Rewind
by Miss Peg
Summary: Five years later, Jane and Maura are navigating their life together. With secrets between them, and an old friend returning, will they survive the turmoil that follows? This is PART THREE of my series: part 1 is 'In a Moment', and part 2 is 'Who Am I To You'
1. Prologue

**Author Notes : Welcome to part THREE of this series. If you haven't read parts one and two, well, many, many things in this one will not make much sense. So look for 'In a Moment' and then 'Who Am I To You?'**

 **If you were hoping for a story full of sunshine, roses and puppy dogs, you are in the wrong place. I tend to like to write flangst - that's a mix of angst and a bit of fluff. Though each story has more control over itself than I'd like to believe. So it doesn't always work out that way.**

 **Here is the start of part three...**

 **Prologue**

"Where's Toby?"

"I didn't bring him."

"Why not?"

"It's a jail, Jane. He's six. I won't let him see you like this. I don't want him to have a memory of you in jail."

Jane tapped her fingers across the table. From thumb to pinky finger and back again. She drummed back and forth several times. She glanced at the closed door, her eyes dancing in their sockets. Thankful for the privacy in an otherwise very public, very open arena. She sighed.

"Come on, Maura. I've not seen him in over two weeks. Doesn't he wonder where I am?" she asked. She slid her hand across the table. Her pinky finger wrapping around Maura's.

She swiftly pulled her hand away and wrapped it back around the baby dozing in her arms. "Of course he does. In case you've forgotten, you've not seen Maggie or I in two weeks either."

"But you're here. He's not."

"I made a decision that was right for my son."

" _Your_ son?"

" _Our_ son."

Jane gritted her teeth. "But you said my."

"Slip of the tongue. I apologise."

She didn't know whether to believe her or not. But she had to hold onto any ounce of hope she could. "What did you tell him?"

Maura shook her head. She didn't want to lie to him, but there was little option. "I told him you've gone to visit Tommy. He wanted to go too, so he could play with TJ and Evan...he misses you."

Brushing a tear from her cheek, Jane cleared her throat. "I miss him too. Will you bring him next time?"

"No."

"This isn't fair Maura."

What wasn't fair was that Maura was there at all. Of all the places she expected to have to visit Jane during their life together, jail was not one of them. What wasn't fair was that she had to bring their three month old daughter with her.

"You got yourself into this mess, Jane."

"You know why I'm here."

"That doesn't make it okay." Maura shifted the baby from one arm to the other, then waited a moment to be sure she'd settled down again. "You made a decision and I don't have to support it."

"I _had_ to."

" _Had_ is debatable. You've hurt me, you've hurt our children." Maura lowered her head. She stared down at the soft features of their daughter. Her small button nose, her eyes tightly closed, her tiny lips twitching in sleep. "Don't even get me started on your mother."

"She knows?"

Maura rolled her eyes. "I was hardly going to lie to her. You're in _jail_. She needed to know."

A sound escaped Jane's lips. A guttural moan that joined the clenching of her fists on the table. She thrust herself backwards. Her feet flat on the floor as she leaned as far back as the chair would allow.

"Don't," Maura said.

"Don't what?" Jane tensed in her seat.

"Act like this doesn't affect anyone else."

The steely gaze of her wife spoke volumes. Jane closed her eyes. The baby stirred once more, her gentle coos filled the air. Jane wanted to look, to see her eyes open, to watch her silent wonder. She lowered her head and, instead, watched her fingers as she picked at her cuticles.

"I wasn't," Jane said. She knew she was. Maura knew she was. But verbal defence was all she had left.

Maura reached out to her arm. Her fingers wrapped around Jane's wrist. "Your mother is upset. She doesn't understand."

Jane finally looked up. "Did you explain?"

"What could I say? I could hardly tell her the truth." Maura let go again. She wanted to feel comfortable with Jane being in jail, but she just couldn't allow herself to do that.

In the distance the jingling of the prison guard's keys travelled through the air. The baby's coos continued to overshadow it. Jane's foot tapped noisily on the concrete floor, her only distraction from everything else going on in life. She could almost hear the whirring of Maura's brain.

"I miss you," she whispered, her voice small, her head bowed.

"I'm sorry," Jane said, standing up. Her eyes trailed across Maura's lowered face, across the baby staring back at her with curiosity. A lump formed in the back of her throat, painful to swallow, and impossible to shift. She turned and walked to the door she'd been allowed in through just a few minutes earlier. She banged on it until it opened again. As she walked out, she glanced back at Maura still sat at the table, still avoiding her gaze. Then she whispered once more, quieter still. "I'm so sorry."

 **Author Notes : Quite a short introduction. It's kind of obvious from what I wrote, but we have jumped forwards about 5 years from the end of the last story. I know this sounds very dramatic and like "what the hell have you done to Jane"?! But I promise this is only the beginning, there is so, so much more to come. Let's face it, this is mostly just the hook. That's why it's short and dramatic. So please stick with it. Trust in the process!**


	2. Chapter 1

**Author Notes : Thank you so much to everyone who has shown an interest in part 3 of my series. It's lovely to see my inbox so full of emails whether you've followed/favourited or commented, thank you all. I think this story is going to be another rollercoaster, but with every difficult moment, I hope there will be plenty of happy moments too. I can't wait to share this journey with you all.**

* * *

 ** _Four months earlier_**

"I've screwed up. I need your help."

Maura held the cellphone against her ear. The words, the voice, slowly processing. She leant against the kitchen counter. The clock on the wall ticked past two am. She chewed the inside of her lip, her mind drifted in all different directions, her voice caught in her throat.

"Where are you?" she asked.

She picked her keys up out of the bowl on the way to the door. She hesitated at the bottom of the stairs. What if Toby woke and wondered where she was? What if he needed her and she'd gone out?

"Please come, I need you."

The desperation in her voice pushed Toby from her mind. Maura hung up and opened the front door quietly, slipping out into the night. She waddled along the path towards her car. Her enlarged stomach made driving a little more challenging. The space behind the wheel had decreased. But until it became impossible, she would not give up her independence.

She sped up and headed towards the I-90. The vulnerability in her voice repeated itself in her mind, over and over. She had to go. She had to make sure she was okay.

The Fish Pier was quiet. She pulled into the parking lot and waited. A handful of cars travelled along the road ahead. Maura ran her fingers across her stomach, shifting uncomfortably at every movement of the baby inside.

The passenger door opened. A head of dark curls followed by the rest of her tall, lithe body took residence in her passenger seat.

"Thank you for coming, Maura," she said.

"What's wrong, Ashley?" Her heart rate increased. The painful sound of Ashley's cry for help still lingered.

"I've been on an assignment," she said. She lowered her head, her hair bunched up around her cheeks covering her face. "I'm not supposed to talk about it."

Maura ran a hand across her arm and on up to her shoulder. She'd called her there for a reason and she wasn't going to give up. Even if it took a while.

"I don't need the details. I just need to know that you're okay."

"I screwed up. There's no one else I can talk to about this."

"What about Jane?" Maura asked. "She used to be a detective. She understands your job."

Ashley shook her head. "Mom treats me like she used to treat Frankie. That's what people keep telling me. She's hard on me. She wouldn't understand."

"What happened?"

Ashley closed her eyes and sat back in the seat. The delay in response only sought to worry Maura further.

"I've been assigned to a case with my partner, Rosetino. Chaz." Ashley shook her head and twisted round in her seat to face Maura better. "We were supposed to be pretending. It's undercover. We had to play partners, real partners. But he's married. He's got a kid. We're not allowed to break cover, in any way. We're not allowed to be together. Those are the rules."

"What are you saying, Ashley?"

"I slept with him."

A small headache grew in Maura's mind. She rubbed her temples. "With all due respect. It's almost three in the morning. Why did you call me out here?"

"It _just_ happened." She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "I don't know. I needed to talk to someone. I needed to see you. Undercover work is hard. It's harder than I thought it'd be. This is my first proper assignment. My first time and I've already screwed up."

"I don't know how I can help you."

"You can't, I guess," Ashley said. She pulled Maura's hand into her own and gave it a squeeze. "I needed someone to talk to. I'm sorry for calling you so late. You don't need this right now."

Maura placed her hand over the top of Ashley's. "You're my daughter in every way that it matters. I'd rather you call me. Or your mother."

"I can't call Jane."

"She misses you when you're not around."

"I've been busy. This case is full on."

"A bit too full on," Maura said.

Ashley laughed. "Yeah. Something like that."

"We're here for you." Maura patted Ashley's hand and dropped her own back down to her bump. "Everyone makes mistakes. It's what you do with them that matters. What do you want to do next?"

"I want the ground to swallow me up," Ashley said. "But I've gotta get back. Chaz is asleep in the apartment we're using as cover. He doesn't know I've gone. Tomorrow we'll be back in on the action. How do I keep up the pretence when it feels so real? I just want to be with him all the time."

Maura's lips curved at the edges, her eyes creased in the corners. "It sounds like you really care about this man."

"He's amazing." Ashley rolled her eyes. "But he's married. I didn't think I'd ever become the other woman."

"Some people don't have the same conscience as you do," Maura said. "You can play the game, but at the end of the day, as much as it may hurt you. He will go back to his wife."

"I know."

"Stay safe out there, Ashley," Maura said, cupping her cheek. "Come home safe."

"I will."

She opened the car door, then paused. "Look, Maura. I hate to do this, but please don't tell Mom about tonight. I don't want her to worry. And I don't want her to know about Chaz."

"You're putting me in a difficult position," Maura said, but nodded. "Okay."

"Thank you."

She closed the door and disappeared off along the main road. Maura sat in the car for a moment. Alone with her thoughts and the foot of her child hitting the inside of her womb. She ran her fingers across the outside of her bump again, whispering gentle words of affirmation to the child.

Back at the house, she climbed into bed beside Jane. She lay on her back, the lack of comfort still evident in the twinge in her back. The bed shifted. Jane turned over and opened her eyes.

"I thought you were never going to come back to bed," she whispered, her voice croaky.

"I needed some fresh air." The words caught in her throat. Half truth, half omission. She worried about Ashley more than she wished she did in that moment. She was an adult, capable of living her own life and making mistakes, but she was also loved by her family.

"I missed you," Jane said, wrapping a hand around Maura's bump and resting her head against her shoulder. Maura wrapped her own body around Jane's as much as feasibly possible and closed her eyes. Lying didn't sit well with her. Whether it had become easier to do or not, she still didn't like doing it. But she couldn't betray Ashley's trust in her either. In the end she pushed her thoughts aside and focused on the sound of Jane breathing in and out beside her.

x

With buttered fingers and jelly on his face, Toby ate his breakfast peacefully. Jane sat beside him, chewing on a half a bagel covered in cream cheese. She held a letter she found in Toby's school bag in front of her, scanning the contents as they finished off their breakfast.

"Hold it," Jane said as Toby climbed down from his seat and moved to walk away. "What do you need to do next?"

He considered her question for a moment, then with his lips curved into a large smile, he spoke. "Go upstairs and play with my toys?"

Jane stared him down. He rolled his eyes and picked up his breakfast plate and cup. He carried them carefully across the room and placed them down beside the dishwasher. Then he pulled on the door and loaded his items into the machine.

"Thank you," Jane said. "Now sit down on the couch."

"I want to play with my toys."

"Not yet," Jane said. He followed her request and jumped onto the couch. "I'll be back in a minute. I'm going to see if Mommy's awake."

She took the stairs two at a time and pushed open the bedroom door. Maura lay under the bed sheets, her eyes open. Jane walked into the room and perched onto the end of the bed.

"Did you get enough sleep?" Jane asked.

"Not really."

"You were up for ages last night."

"I can't settle with the baby moving all night," Maura said.

"I don't mind if you wake me."

Maura smiled. "There's no point both of us losing sleep."

"I suppose not…we've got a problem."

"What problem?" Maura asked, her eyes dancing back and forth.

"Toby's teacher sent a letter home with him on Friday and didn't tell us about it. I found it in the bottom of his bag."

Maura pushed herself up and leant against the bedhead. She placed a pillow behind her back. "What did it say?"

"That he's been taking the other children's things and using them without asking. At playtime last week he stole a ball off one of the kids in his class and played with it on his own. When the kid asked for it back he told him where to go."

"Where to go?"

"The exact phrase the teacher said he used was "get stuffed, you snooze you lose"."

Jane handed the letter over for Maura to see and crawled up the bead to sit beside her. "It's my fault. I took someone's spot at the supermarket parking lot and I said it. He was in the car."

"Jane!"

"I'm sorry. I didn't expect him to behave like that."

"He's a kid, he looks to us for guidance."

"Like you've never said anything you shouldn't in front of him," Jane said. She folded her arms across her chest. "Remember that time last fall when you got angry at the man at the zoo?"

"Toby didn't use that as an excuse to start being rude to his classmates," Maura said.

"He's waiting for us." Jane climbed off the bed and moved around to Maura's side. She reached a hand out to help her up. "I'll be bad cop."

She ran her hands across her stomach. "You're always bad cop."

"That's because you never want to be," Jane said, leading the way out of the bedroom.

Downstairs, Toby was stood on the couch jumping up and down on the cushions. Jane cleared her throat but he continued to jump. She moved closer and a few moments later, Maura joined her.

"Tobias Anthony Rizzoli-Isles," Jane shouted.

"His middle name isn't Anthony," Maura said.

"Well if you'd given him one it would make shouting at him easier."

He'd stopped jumping. But he continued to stand on the couch, watching Jane and Maura.

"Tobias, down," Maura said, her voice level and authoritative. He moved swiftly. He kicked his legs out in front of him until he landed on the cushion and sat there silently. He placed a finger over his lips and folded his arms.

Jane watched in awe. She liked to pretend that she was the bad cop, but they both knew that Maura always ruled the roost. They sat on the coffee table in front of him.

"Tobias, why were you snatching toys from the other children at school?" Maura asked.

"They wouldn't let me play with them," he said.

"Well, did you ask them if you could?" Jane asked. Toby shook his head. "There's your problem kid. If you don't ask, you don't get."

"What Mama is trying to say is that you do not snatch toys off the other children." Maura stared at him sternly. "You ask them nicely. It is then their decision if they say yes or no."

"But what if they say no?" he asked.

"Then you kick them," Jane said. Maura turned and stared at her, her eyes open wide. "Is what I would say if I was a naughty Mama. But you do not do that. Ever."

"If a child says no, then that is their decision and you should find another child to play with," Maura said. "If a child doesn't want to play with you, then it is their loss, not yours. If you behave like you did last week, you will not have any friends."

"Don't scare him, Maura," Jane whispered.

"That's not what I'm doing," Maura replied.

"Some kids are nice," Jane said. "Some aren't. Find the nice kids, and be the nice kid. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Now go upstairs and play while I make your Mommy some breakfast. Then we're taking you to school."

x

"About time!" Korsak said.

Jane reached over and wrapped her arms around his shoulder and gave him a good squeeze, before she took a seat at the bar.

"How you doing, Korsak?" she asked.

"Enough of the Korsak, I'm not a cop anymore. Call me Vince."

He cracked open a bottle of beer and placed it on the bar in front of her. Jane wrapped her hand around it and poured the cold liquid down her throat. She swallowed and placed the bottle back on the bar.

"How's retired life?"

"Busy." Korsak picked up a cloth and gave the bar a wipe. "I've just swapped policing for bar work."

"Bet you won't look back."

"Never."

"I'm glad," Jane said, her smile weak, her voice small. "You and Kiki can enjoy your life together. You deserve it."

Korsak's brow creased. "What are you doing here, Jane?"

She shrugged. "Felt like a drink."

"What are you really doing here, Jane?"

He focused all of his attention on her. She averted her gaze as he looked her in the eye. She loved Korsak like a father, but sometimes he drove her crazy. He knew her very well, too well. She took another swig of beer, diverting her attention in the hope that Korsak would eventually give up. When his eyes continued to focus on her, she finally gave in.

"We had a scan this afternoon. They're monitoring Maura more closely after what happened when Toby was born."

"That's not a good sign. Didn't it go well?"

"Baby's fine. Maura's fine."

 _But Jane's not fine_ , she considered adding. She continued to sip her beer, anything to avoid looking into Korsak's eyes and seeing the concern etched across his features.

"Then why are you here?" he asked.

She shrugged and scooped a pile of peanuts out of the bowl in front of her. She tossed one into her mouth. "Toby's got an aikido class. One of the other moms picks him up from school and takes him and his friend. Ma's picking them up and taking them for pizza. Maura's at home doing some reading for the classes she's doing once the baby arrives. I thought I'd come and see my favourite ex-cop since I'm off Mom duty for the night."

"You saw me last week at my retirement party."

"So?"

"So." Korsak paused. "If you wanna talk, you know where I am."

"Thanks, but I'm fine," she said, forcing her attention onto Korsak. She stared into his eyes, and curled her lips into the largest smile she could muster. He stared back, his brow furrowed. "Wanna join me?"

"Can't, just me tonight since Angela's busy with her grandson," Korsak said.

"Sorry about that."

"Don't be. I love it."

Jane emptied the final mouthful of beer down her throat and handed the bottle back to Korsak.

"Another," she said. "I'll have a whiskey too."

Korsak raised an eyebrow. "Already?"

"I'll get a burger, if that makes you happy?" Korsak hesitated. "Come on Vince, I'm a paying customer. It's been months since I was last here on my own."

"Okay," he said, cracking open another beer and passing it to her.

She sipped it slowly whilst Korsak poured her a whiskey. She took the glass from the bar.

"Cheers," she said, and poured it down her throat.

* * *

 **Author Notes : I'm sorry. I know you were wanting answers. That may take some time. ;)**


	3. Chapter 2

**Author Note** **: Daily updates? Who'd have thought that would happen? I think I've perhaps been in a weather/season/darkness related slump. I hope so, anyway. I've been feeling a lot more motivated and brighter the past few days. I tidied the mess that was my own personal rubbish dump, and completed a few tasks that I'd been putting off. I really hope that I can keep this momentum going and write like the wind until the story is over.**

 **Thanks so much to everyone who has been reading - lots of you have shown an interest and that means a lot. Plenty more drama to come, I'm sure.**

* * *

Curling up on the couch, Maura nursed a mug of steaming hot milk. She sipped it slowly. She picked up a medical journal she'd been reading the evening before and flicked to the middle of the article she had yet to complete. Finishing work ahead of having the baby gave her plenty of time to keep her knowledge fresh before the baby arrived and she wasn't about to waste another sleepless night.

"If you're not a soccer player, your Mama's going to be disappointed," Maura said, pausing as the baby's limb pressed against her from the inside.

A head of dirty blonde hair appeared in front of her. She placed the journal down on the couch and looked up. Toby rubbed his eyes. "Mommy, where's Mama?"

"She's gone out," Maura said, glancing at the clock on the wall. She went out several hours ago and other than a brief message saying she was at the Dirty Robber, Maura hadn't heard from her since. Her messages asking her where she was seemed to have fallen on deaf ears.

Toby crossed one leg behind the other and swayed back and forth. "When will she be back?"

"I don't know." Maura patted the couch beside her. "Why don't you come and sit up here?"

He slipped a finger into his mouth and stared at the floor, still swaying. Maura watched him, her brow furrowed. As her eyes caught the darkened patch of material of his pyjama pants, she smiled.

"It's okay, Toby," Maura said, placing her mug on the table beside the only source of light - the table lamp. She reached out and wrapped her arms around him. Then she slipped her fingers into the bands of his pants and began to pull them down. "Let's get you cleaned up."

Ten minutes later, and a fresh pair of pyjamas, Toby sipped on a glass of milk as he curled up on the couch beside Maura. She placed a hand around his shoulder. He emptied the glass and rested his head against Maura's stomach.

"The baby sounds funny," Toby said, his lips curled up at the edges.

"The baby's very busy moving around," Maura said.

"Why does it move around now? It's bed time."

Maura smiled. "I don't think the baby knows that it's bed time. It's too dark to see when it's day and when it's night."

"In your belly?"

"Yes. In my womb, which is in my abdomen, which sometimes we call the belly."

"How does the baby get out of your ab, ab…belly?" he asked.

As if on queue, the sound of a car pulling up outside the house caught Maura's attention. She sat upright.

"We can talk about that another day," Maura said. "You need to go back upstairs now."

"But I wanna see Mama."

"She will come up and say goodnight. I'll come and change your sheets in a few minutes."

He turned his head towards Maura. "Can I play with my toys?"

"You may," Maura said, running a hand across his head.

The door opened at the same time Toby disappeared upstairs. Jane stood in the doorway, her hair a mess of curls quite out of place. She pushed the door closed behind her and walked through the house. She stopped by the couch, squinting as her eyes became accustomed to the dim light on the table.

"I didn't realise, you were gonna...wait up for me," Jane said, covering her mouth with the back of her hand. She closed her eyes. The last couple of shots were not a good idea.

"I wasn't."

"Oh." Jane moved to the side, then back again, before she reached the couch.

"I woke up. You weren't there." Maura turned in her seat. "I thought you'd be home. I couldn't get to sleep. Where've you been?"

"I dunno," Jane said, stumbling onto the coffee table. She clutched her hands around the edges to steady herself.

"You...don't know?" Maura raised an eyebrow. "I've been sat here wondering if maybe you've ended up under a truck, or been beaten up in a bar brawl, and you're so drunk that you don't even know where you've been?"

Jane shrugged her shoulders.

Maura pursed her lips and stood up. "Toby wet the bed again. I should go and change his sheets so he can go back to sleep."

"I'll do it," Jane said, standing up quickly, only to stumble forwards. She wrapped a hand around her mouth just in time to catch the contents of her stomach. Maura placed a hand on either side of Jane's shoulders to steady her, and shook her head.

"You're in no fit state to do anything," Maura said. She pointed to the couch. "You can sleep there until you've sobered up. I'll let Toby know you won't be coming to say goodnight."

x

Jane slipped into the seat opposite Maura, her eyes trained on her wife as she continued to mix granola and fruit. She ran a hand through her hair. It had matted together when she'd rushed to the toilet in the middle of the night and didn't think to pull back her hair as she emptied the final remnants of her stomach.

"Morning," Jane said in the lightest voice possible. Maura picked up a spoon and transferred her breakfast from her bowl to her mouth. Jane sighed. Maura took the newspaper from the table and opened it in front of her.

Five minutes of silence followed. Jane poured herself a glass of milk and watched Maura eat her breakfast. Eventually Toby came bounding into the room holding a tablet.

"Mama," he shouted, rushing up to her. "Wanna see the game I made?"

"You made a game?" Jane asked. "Sure. Let's see."

He held the tablet out to her and Jane followed his instructions. A little figure on the screen moved along a path, she pressed a button and he jumped, then ducked, then walked backwards, before the game quickly ended.

"You're gonna be a computer genius by the time you're seven," Jane said.

"It's fun, huh?"

"So much fun," she said, showing off her teeth. "Why'd you make a game?"

"Homework."

"You've got homework in Kindergarten? Man, I remember when you used to just play."

He sat down beside her. Maura moved from her seat, still silent, and made Toby some breakfast.

"Did you know they've got them building games, Maura?"

Maura poured Toby some cereal and placed it in front of him. "We had a lot of fun trying to decide what your game would be about last night."

"It was the best!" Toby said, placing the tablet down on the table.

"Eat up, I'm taking you to school this morning." Maura glanced up at Jane, her brow furrowed. She turned her attention back to the newspaper and her mostly empty bowl.

x

The pancakes had browned just enough when Jane tipped them onto a plate. She turned off the pan and poured maple syrup across her breakfast. A couple of hours had passed since Maura left to take Toby to school, and she only just felt like her stomach could cope with something. Anything. She carried her plate to the table and shovelled the pancakes down. When she finished, she left her dirty plate on the table and moved to the couch.

"Can you please wash up after yourself?" Maura asked, entering the room. She scanned the dishes still sitting on the table, and pan resting on the hob.

"Later," Jane muttered, flicking through the on demand box.

Maura closed her eyes and counted to ten before she waddled her way to stand in front of Jane. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes.

"Everything is so much harder when you're eight months pregnant," she said. "I need your support, Jane."

"You say that like I have no idea what you're going through," Jane said, flicking off the TV and staring up at Maura.

"I don't think you do."

"Because I wouldn't know what it's like to be eight months pregnant, would I?" she asked, sarcasm lingering in her voice. "Since it's been twenty-seven years since I last was."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Maura asked, her brow creased.

"Nothing." Jane shrugged.

"It sure means something."

Jane stood up. "It doesn't."

"I need you to be on your game, not disappearing to drinking beer for God knows how long. This baby isn't going to stay in here forever."

"There's not a lot I can do when the baby's inside of you now, is there?" She moved across the room and searched the DVD collection.

"Of course there is," Maura said, her cheeks flush. "Getting Toby to school every morning is your job. You agreed to take that role on when you decided to give up working. Just because I'm home with you both now, doesn't change that. I still need you to pull your weight."

"Pull my weight?" Jane span round, her arms outstretched at her sides. "I've been Toby's sole carer all day every day for the last five years. What part of that isn't pulling my weight?"

"You make it sound like you've been a single mother."

"I might as well have."

Jane lowered her gaze. Maura's heart raced, her eyes wide.

"You did not just say that."

"Err, funny, because I think I just did," she said, digging the hole she knew she should be trying to fill in.

"I might not be the person who gives him his lunch," Maura said, her voice laced with a vulnerability that hit Jane where it hurt. "But I'm still his mother. I give him as much of my time as I can."

Jane considered her response for the briefest second, but Maura's words were jarring with her. "When you're not cutting open dead bodies and helping Frankie find a girlfriend."

"I set him up on _one_ date, and you know how important my job is to me."

"That doesn't mean I want you doing it all day every day for most of the week."

"What did you expect me to do when Susie was murdered? I was on my own for months, trying to grieve and keep up with a heavy workload. Maybe you've forgotten about the pressures of working in law enforcement since you gave it up."

"So, now I don't understand you because we no longer work in the same place? Charming."

Maura shook her head. "Don't put words in my mouth. I did not say that. You gave up being a cop because _you_ didn't want us to have to bring you home in a body bag. Don't take that out on me."

"I wasn't."

Rubbing her cheeks, Maura slowed her breathing right down. She reached a hand out to the couch to steady herself. Then she lowered herself down.

"You've been in a weird mood for months," she whispered. "Will you please just talk to me about it instead of getting so drunk that you can't take care of our child?"

"I needed to blow off some steam with a friend," Jane said.

Maura rubbed her temples. "Vomiting all over the bathroom and yourself is not blowing off some steam."

"Not to you."

"In all the years that I've known you, I've seen you do this maybe a couple of times. Why last night?"

"Why not last night?"

"Jane."

"What do you expect me to say?" She reached her arms out to her sides. "I had a few too many. I vomited. I'm sorry I wasn't able to take Toby to school. I'll pick him up. Happy now?"

"No." Maura lowered her head into her hand. "Not at all."

"Well, I'm done, so you'll have to be."

"Where are you going?"

"Out."

"Don't walk away from an argument, Jane."

"Why not? I walk away from everything else; my job, my responsibility to you and Toby. Why not walk out of an argument too?"

"I never said you were walking away from your responsibilities," Maura said, her voice slower and quieter.

"No, but you implied it and that's bad enough."

"Just go, Jane," she said, running her fingers along the edges of her eyelids, catching the tears she didn't want Jane to see fall. "Before you say something that you'll regret."

Maura closed her eyes. When the door slammed shut, she gave into the tears as they ran over her fingers and down her cheeks. She swiped at her face, fighting the battle against her emotions. An uncomfortable feeling passed through her and she wrapped her hands around the sides of her bump, wincing. She breathed through the pain, until eventually it disappeared.

x

"I'm sorry."

Jane stood in the doorway to the bedroom, a hand on either side of the doorframe. She tilted her head to the side. Maura sat up in bed, already in her pyjamas despite having only just said goodnight to Toby.

"The kid's asleep."

"Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me, Maura," Jane said. "You were right. I should be supporting you as much as I can. You don't need me behaving like a school kid."

"I haven't been getting a lot of sleep," Maura said. "My ankles are swollen. I'm tired all of the time."

Jane threw herself down beside Maura, laughing. "Welcome to the final weeks of pregnancy."

"What you said earlier, I had no right. You probably know more than I do what it's like to be eight months pregnant."

"Barely," Jane said. "I was a hormonal teenager who was all set to give her baby up by month six."

"But you've experienced it. When I hit eight months, Toby was already a couple of weeks old."

Jane rested a hand on Maura's bump and rubbed it slowly. "I was too busy trying to figure out if I could get my body back in shape in time for the next season. I didn't want to give up playing sports. I remember hating it, but that's all."

"That may be so, but I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"I'm the only person you _should_ be able to take it out on. I got you into this mess."

"You do a lot, Jane," Maura said. "You deserve time off, and I'm glad you got me into this mess. We've waited so long for this. After everything."

"Time off isn't behaving like a teenager who's just discovered alcohol, though. I'm sorry I worried you."

"I guess this is foreign land for both of us," Maura said, slipping her hand over Jane's. She slid her fingers between Jane's and pulled their interlinked hands up to her mouth. She pressed Jane's fingers to her lips and rested it against her cheek.

"Completely."

"I love you," Maura said, leaning in close.

"I love you, too, Maura." Jane closed the gap, brushing Maura's lips with her own. "And I love you, baby."

She moved her head down until she rested it against the side of Maura's bump, her arms wrapped around it. She pushed the fabric of Maura's shirt away and peppered her skin with kisses.

"What do you say we get this pregnancy moving along?" Jane asked, returning her attention to Maura. She trailed her lips across her collarbone, and on up to her earlobe.

"I hate to break it to you," Maura began.

"Not another myth?" Jane asked.

Maura nodded. "There's no scientific evidence that supports the theory that sex brings on labour. However, sexual intercourse can trigger the release of oxytocin which can help with contractions."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "So sex won't make the baby come any faster, but when the baby's actually coming, we should go for it?"

"Sexual intercourse once the mother's waters have broken may increase the risk of infection, so it's certainly not a good idea."

"Man, humans are weird."

"Just be grateful I'm not an elephant, or we'd have another fifteen months to go. Plus we'd end up with a baby the size of a large man."

"No thank you," Jane said. "I'd rather a cute, chubby little human."

Maura leant forwards, her face twisted up as she let out a soft moan. Jane sat upright beside her.

"Are you okay? Is it the baby?"

"Just a practice," Maura said, breathing slowly until the pain subsided. "I think she's just getting herself ready."

"You sure it's not the start?"

"No," Maura said, she rubbed the side of her enlarged abdomen. "Not yet. She's got more chance of kicking her way out."

* * *

 **Author Note : I seem to keep turning negative Rizzles incidents into happy ones...this chapter wasn't going to have the final part attached to it, but it was a little short, so you get a bit of happy/together/fun Rizzles. No doubt the shizzles will hit the fan for the Rizzles again eventually.**


	4. Chapter 3

**Author Notes** **: Thanks for the comments, favourites/follows, etc. Please remember that this story is still in its infancy. There's a LOT you don't know yet, a lot that hasn't been revealed. There's a reason for everything that's happening, so any of your concerns or worries or disappointments, just wait. It will all be explained.**

* * *

The dining table was set with their best crockery. Maura stirred the sauce she'd spent the last hour preparing and checked on the fish in the oven. She watched from a distance as Toby entertained Angela, Ashley and Frankie. She placed the lid back on the pan. Time was getting on. She pressed the home button on her cellphone. No messages.

"She should be here soon," Maura said, carrying a glass of wine across to Angela. "She knows you're coming."

"She'll be here when she's here," Angela said, taking a sip. "You know Janie; she wouldn't miss family dinner."

"That's because she doesn't have a choice," Frankie said. Angela stared at him. His lips curved and she smacked him playfully on the arm.

"Mama promised she'd read me a story," Toby said, as though that was all that mattered.

Half an hour passed. Maura checked on the food. Still no message from Jane.

"She'll be here," Angela said.

Maura was losing hope. It had been a week since she'd turned up drunk. A week since their relationship had become somewhat fractured. She'd asked Jane to be there, and Jane said she would be. Yet she wasn't.

"She's probably at the Dirty Robber," Maura said, rubbing her stomach. "Let's eat."

"We don't mind waiting," Frankie said, standing up.

"No, it'll be ruined if we don't eat soon." Maura moved slowly back to the oven.

Angela followed her. "I'll serve. You look like you're about to sleep on your feet."

"Thank you, Angela," Maura said, stepping to one side.

She ran a hand across her bump again, and closed her eyes. The uncomfortable feeling of Braxton Hicks had been bothering her more for the last couple of hours. She took a long, deep breath but the pain barely subsided.

"You okay there?" Angela asked.

"Fine," Maura said, trying to maintain a modicum of calm. "Nothing out of the ordinary."

"Put me down," Toby shouted, kicking his legs back and forth as Ashley carried him on her shoulder.

"I said, it's dinner time!" Ashley said, placing him down beside his seat.

"Are you sure?" Angela asked. "You look like you're in pain."

Maura nodded, cautiously aware of how long it lasted. "They're getting more intense, but nothing I can't handle."

"Frankie, help your Ma serve dinner," Angela said. "Maura needs to sit down and rest."

An hour later, with the food consumed, Frankie moved into action, piling up the plates and carrying them to the dishwasher. Ashley chased Toby around the room, tickling him, as he giggled loudly. Maura sat still. At some point in the last half hour, something had changed. She could feel it. A tightness across her middle stretched round to her back where pain squeezed the breath out of her for a moment, before shifting uncomfortably to her front. She clutched the sides of the chair and closed her eyes. Counting through the moments as the minute stretched on and the pain didn't subside.

"Maura?"

She opened her eyes. Angela sat across the table. She reached a hand out and Maura placed hers on the table in front of her. She attempted to maintain a smile on her face, but after Angela wrapped a hand around Maura's, she gave in. Her face contorted.

"They're not just Braxton Hicks, are they?"

Maura shook her head. "I need to use the restroom."

She stood up. Angela wrapped a hand around her upper arm and moved around the table until she stood beside her. Maura stared up into her eyes. For the first time since she discovered she was pregnant, she was scared. She wanted Jane. She _needed_ Jane, and she wasn't there.

"We'll phone her when we're on our way."

"Thank you."

When Maura exited the bathroom, Angela was stood in the lounge with Ashley by her side holding the bag they'd packed the week before. They were ready. But she didn't think she was. Maura breathed slowly in, then out, then in again, then another wave of pain hit and she reached out to steady herself.

"It's definitely time," Angela said, reaching out to Maura's arm. Ashley stood on her other side and together they walked through the house. "Ashley said it's in your plan to go straight to the hospital, because of what happened last time."

"Yes. Where's Toby?"

"Frankie's staying with him," Ashley said. "I'll phone Mom from the car."

x

The night air fought through Jane's thin jacket, her hair blew across her face. She wrapped her arms around herself, keeping her jacket closed, as she waited. The Mystic River lay dark before her, the reservation behind her provided a second wall of darkness. She glanced up and down the footpath, squinting in the hope of spotting movement.

"Hello Jane."

The voice behind her made her jump. Jane span around. His voice crawled into a crevice in her memory, to a place where he used to matter.

"Dean."

"I think you and I are beyond last names," he said.

"What do you want, Gabriel?" Jane asked, patience was not her friend. "Why am I here?"

"There's plenty of time for that. How are you?"

She gritted her teeth. "I'm supposed to be at a family dinner but instead I'm here. So how about we skip the pleasantries?"

"Five minutes won't hurt. What have I missed?"

"I'm married," she said, folding her arms tightly across her chest. "I have two children. Your go."

"I'm married too," he said. "Funnily enough I also have two children."

"Great." Jane stared into his eyes. A familiarity flooded back. So much had changed since they were together. A lifetime of pain and happiness. "Catchup's over. Why did you want to meet me?"

"I need," he began, but the sound of Jane's phone buzzing against her leg cut through. She retrieved it. Her brow furrowed.

"Sorry, I've got to take this." She pressed the answer button and placed the phone against her ear. "Ashley, what's wrong? Are you sure? Okay. Yes. I said I would."

"Everything alright?" Dean asked as Jane slipped her cellphone back into her pocket.

"I have to," she whispered, pointing down the path. Her heart raced inside her chest, banging against her rib cage like an unexpected prisoner demanding release. The words caught in her throat. "I need."

"I won't take up more of your time," Dean said.

"I," Jane began. Her voice trailed off. She turned away and set off walking. A fog seeped into her brain until the darkness that surrounded her disappeared into the ether. The silence of the empty footpath, the roughness of the river's movement infiltrated the air.

"Or anymore." She could hear Gabriel Dean's voice trailing after her. "Jane, I need to talk to you."

She continued along the footpath, focused on putting one foot in front of the other until his voice grew dimmer and dimmer.

"I guess I'll call you." He paused. "Maybe we can have dinner. I'll bring my wife and you can bring your husband."

Eventually his voice disappeared entirely. Jane's feet moved onwards, separate from conscious thought. Her mind absent to the icy breeze cutting hard against her skin.

x

The bed sheets provided Maura with something to grasp hold of as another contraction took its toll. Where was Jane? She should have been there by now. Maura grunted loudly, using the pain to force out her frustration.

"Where is she?" she shouted.

"I don't know," Angela said, running a hand along Maura's forehead with a damp cloth. "She'll be here soon. She won't want to miss this."

Ashley stood up beside her. "I'll send her a message, hurry her along."

"My contractions are every few minutes, my," Maura muttered, lying back against the pillow. Tears overflowed down her cheeks. She attempted to even out her breathing. "My water's have broken."

"I'll get the midwife," Angela said, dropping the cloth on the bed and rushing out of the room.

Ashley stood up on her other side, her hand outstretched. Maura wrapped her hand around it and squeezed tightly. Within a couple of minutes, another contraction rushed in. She closed her eyes and pictured the perfect birth she'd envisaged. She expected there to be some complications, after what happened with Toby, but she didn't expect to be doing it alone. The only advantage was that she wasn't in theatre.

"Let's see what's going on in here," the midwife said, snapping on a pair of gloves.

Angela moved to Maura's side and took her other hand. The uncomfortable feeling of the contraction was quickly replaced by the midwife's fingers. She squeezed her eyes closed again, ignoring the feeling. She pictured Jane waltzing into the room, her arms full of cuddly teddy bears and bottles of champagne.

"It looks like you're making good progress, Maura." The midwife snapped off the gloves and threw them into a yellow trash bin. "Are contractions still three minutes apart?"

Maura nodded. Then the pain moved around her front again. She squeezed tightly to Ashley and Angela's hands, panting as she breathed through the contraction.

"Two minutes?" the midwife asked.

"Just under," Ashley said, checking her watch.

"Right, Maura. You're speeding through active labour. You're already eight centimetres dilated. It's not going to be long now."

"Where's Jane?" Maura asked, staring into Angela's eyes, desperation in her voice. "Why isn't she here?"

"I'll call her again," she said.

x

Her legs stepped along the sidewalk. Her feet moving slowly, one foot after the other. Her cellphone buzzed against her leg. She moved along a darkened footpath, surrounded by trees and shrubbery. Her knees bent and she sat down on a bench, her feet resting out in front of her. Her heels were on the ground and her toes pointed up towards the dark sky. It was like she was watching her life in a movie, a very boring movie. She stared out at the dark river. The water still moved along, a force not to be reckoned with. The cold breeze stung her face, her hands felt like lumps of pointless weight hanging from her wrists. Her cellphone buzzed again.

"I shouldn't be here."

Time passed slowly, yet it took an age for each small action, or each thought to process. The voice was her own. She knew that, and yet it didn't feel much like she had said anything. Just a distant sound, like birds tweeting metres across parkland. She swallowed a lump that settled in the back of her throat and felt the second buzz of the previous message.

The chill settled itself in her bones. It was too cold to be outside. She knew that to be true and yet she couldn't feel it. She couldn't find the part of her brain that accepted that she should move. Instead she stood up and moved to the edge of the water. The small embankment decorated with trees provided her with some shelter. From what, she could not be sure.

Her cellphone buzzed once more in her pocket.

x

"I need one more push, Maura, one more and the baby's going to be out."

Angela wiped her already damp forehead. Maura lay back against the bed, her whole body exhausted by the act of birthing her child. She panted slowly through the start of another contraction, before squeezing Ashley's hand. She screamed out, sitting forwards and pushing as hard as she could, before she felt the baby move from the space between her legs. She fell back against the bed again, her breath slow and laboured, attempting to regain a steady breathing routine.

"It's a girl!"

A moment later, the baby's cries filled the room and Maura felt an overwhelming sense of happiness. Matched only by the look of sheer joy on both Angela and Ashley's faces. When Maura's eyes reached the closed door, her bubble burst.

"Do you want to see your baby, Mama?" the midwife asked before placing her daughter against her chest. Maura wrapped an arm around her daughter's bare back. The involuntary curve of her lips forced a smile as she stared down at the beautiful little face. A head of dark curls.

"I wish your Mama was here to see your hair," Maura whispered.

Her emotions overwhelmed her again, tears flowed freely down her cheeks and her shoulders shook. She wrapped both arms around her daughter's back.

"Where is she?" she asked, looking from Angela to Ashley and back again.

"I'm sorry," Ashley said. "We tried. I'll call her again."

"No, let me," Maura said.

x

Her clothes were soaked. Her shoes waterlogged. Jane stared at the rain falling heavily around her. Her cellphone buzzed in her pocket. It continued for a while until it stopped. Her head thrummed, beaten by the continued chill that surrounded her, by the damp air. The tingling pain travelled through her chest, sitting heavily against her heart, and on down to her already freezing toes.

"Excuse me, lady?"

Jane turned around quickly. A man stood beside her on the footpath, a pit bull at his side. The dog's mouth opened, his teeth bared, as he fought against the owner's control. The man stepped forwards and reached a hand out towards her.

"Get away from me," she shouted, batting his hand away.

"I was just trying to help, you okay?" he asked.

"Get away from me," she shouted again, putting one foot in front of the other. She sped off along the footpath, not stopping until she was far enough away from the man.

Her heart raced, adrenaline pumping through her body. Her cellphone buzzed again in her pocket. She reached for it, pressed the answer button and placed it against her ear.

"Jane?"

"Maura?"

"Where have you been?"

"I," she began, but her body's low temperature finally registered with her brain and her mouth wouldn't open properly. Her upper teeth smashed against her lower teeth.

"I've been worried."

"I'm, I'm s-sorry," she whispered.

"Please come," Maura said, emotion laced her words. "Your daughter wants to meet you."

A sharp emotive pain coursed through Jane's chest, her lips tugged at the corners, and a lump settled at the back of her throat.

"Okay."

She hung up the phone and lowered her arm. If her fingers weren't frozen around her cellphone, she suspected she would have dropped it. Instead she carried it along the footpath in search of the road.

x

Nice and warm in a onesie and swaddled in a blanket, the baby wriggled in Maura's arms. She stared down at her cute button nose, and ran a hand through her soft, dark curls. She was everything they'd been waiting for, and Jane had missed it.

"You look just like your Mama," Maura said. "She should be the one sitting here, but we wanted you so much that we had to do a very special thing to make sure you could be born."

"Well done, Maura," Angela whispered, kissing her forehead. "After what happened, you deserve it."

"Thank you," Maura said, grasping her hand. "For everything."

"Anything for my daughter."

"I'm not sure Jane deserves anything, right now," Maura said.

Angela shook her head, and gave Maura's hand a squeeze. "Not Jane…we'll leave you to get some rest."

"Jane!"

Ashley's voice cut through the conversation. Maura glanced up at the doorway where Jane stood, her hair limp and dripping, her clothes soaked to the skin. A lump formed in the back of Maura's throat.

"Let's go, Ash," Angela said, leading the way out of the room.

Once the room was empty, Jane stepped forward. She reached a damp finger out to the baby and ran it along her cheek. Her eyes grew wide.

"I'd let you hold her, but I don't want her getting sick," Maura said, glancing down Jane's body as every inch of her was covered in damp material.

Jane stared down at the baby, then up into Maura's disappointed eyes. She returned her gaze to their daughter. To their little girl. To the child who looked so familiar that it made Jane's heart break into two. She reached out her finger again and touched her tiny nose.

"I'm sorry," Jane whispered, turning around and walking back out of the room.

x

In the corridor outside, Jane reached out to the wall, resting her palm against the plasterboard as a wall of emotions hit her square in the chest. She gasped for breath, until eventually, she managed to maintain a steady breathing pattern. She set off down the corridor back towards the exit. Once outside, the fresh air filled her lungs with an extra dose of oxygen.

"What are you doing?"

She turned to find Ashley stood behind her, her brow furrowed.

"I needed some air."

"By the looks of it, you've had enough," Ashley said. "Why aren't you inside with Maura and the baby?"

"I, I don't know," Jane said.

"I have to go to work," Ashley said. "You should go back inside."

"At this time? It's late."

"I'm a detective, you know how it is."

"Yeah, I do."

"It's hard enough that I'm younger than everyone else in my unit. Go back inside, Mom," Ashley said, as a cab pulled up. She opened the door and climbed inside.

Jane stood outside the hospital for a while, steadily growing colder. She turned back to the entranceway. Maura was inside waiting for her. She didn't move.

When another cab pulled up, letting an older man out, she held the door open for him. He disappeared into the entrance of the hospital, whilst Jane didn't move.

"Hey lady," the taxi driver said. "Either get in or close the door."

She took a final glance at the front door and climbed into the taxi cab.


	5. Chapter 4

**Author Notes** **: Thanks for all of the comments - good and less good. Whilst I appreciate receiving any response, if you're not happy with something in the story, it would help me more if you could comment on it constructively. Otherwise, I can't do anything to possible explain things better (aside from telling you everything because that information will take time).**

 **Hopefully this will give a little more insight into the current state of affairs...**

 **I can't promise I'll be posting every day this week because I have to go to work, but we'll see. It's a long weekend Friday-Monday anyway, and I may take Tuesday off also. So hopefully I'll get lots more writing done very soon. I'm feeling really motivated to write at the moment. So much so that despite spending the last few months struggling to get out of bed, this morning I got out straight away to write!**

* * *

By morning, Jane felt like she had a hangover. Her body was battered and broken. Her limbs too tired to move. Her mouth dry. She was lucky she hadn't accumulated something more serious as a result of the cold, wet clothes she'd worn for longer than was probably safe. Emotionally, she'd been dragged through a hedge backwards and thrown out of a plane. The look on Maura's face when she walked into the hospital room was one that would stay with her forever. Missing the birth of their daughter was another thing she'd never forget, even if said daughter wouldn't remember.

"Jane Clementine Rizzoli," her mother shouted down the phone, the message left the night before. "What in God's name are you playing at? Your wife needs you. Your daughter needs you. Why have you left them alone? Are you trying to lose your family because right now I don't know who you are? If you hurt Maura, I don't know if I'll be able to forgive you. You're still my Janie, and I love you, but I will not let you hurt her."

When the voice listed her options, she pressed the delete button.

Despite feeling a little shaky, Jane climbed into the car and set off towards the hospital. She would make things right. She would do anything to fix it, to take back what happened. After a brief visit to the hospital shop, she carried a large bunch of flowers, a packet of Hershey's Kisses, and a giant bunny rabbit toy to Maura's room.

She opened the door as Maura lowered her shirt and carefully placed the baby back into the plastic crib provided by the hospital. Jane stood in the doorway for a moment, silently acknowledging how beautiful Maura looked post-birth. When she turned away from the crib, she stood a little taller, her shoulders moved back and her lips pursed.

"I am so sorry," Jane whispered, her mind flashed back to the night before when those same words were her way of leaving Maura alone again. She dropped the rabbit and chocolates on the floor and carried the flowers forward.

"Thank you," Maura replied, taking the flowers from her. The lack of emotion in her voice cut through Jane's heart like a knife. She deserved it. It was her own fault. But that didn't stop it from hurting.

"How are you feeling?" Jane asked, clasping her hands behind her back.

"What are you doing here?" Maura asked, in response. She placed the flowers on a cabinet beside the bed.

Jane's shoulder's dropped. "I came to make things right."

"Are you going to tell me what happened?"

"I," Jane began to speak but her voice trailed off. How could she explain without sounding crazy? "I love you and I'm so sorry that I wasn't there. Please let me make it right."

Maura climbed back onto the bed in silence.

"Please, Maura."

"I don't know what you expect me to say."

"That you forgive me."

Maura scoffed. "It's unlikely that's going to happen for a long while, Jane."

"That we can try to make things okay, for the kids."

"But it's not okay." Maura rested her hands in her lap. She lowered her gaze and swiftly wiped at the droplets on her cheek.

Jane moved towards the bed. She couldn't bare that she was the reason for Maura's tears. She perched on the end of the bed and reached a hand out to Maura's leg. She flinched under her touch. When Maura's shoulders started to shake, Jane moved closer and wrapped her arms around Maura.

"No," Maura shouted, pushing her away. But Jane stood her ground and held her tightly. She relaxed in her embrace as sobs escaped. "I hate you for what you've done."

"I hate me too," Jane said, wrapping her hands around Maura's cheeks. "Nobody hates me more than I hate myself right now."

"Unlikely."

"I love you, Maura," Jane said, wiping tears as they flowed from Maura's eyelids. She reached up and kissed them away. "You and our family mean everything to me."

"Will you tell me the truth?" Jane tensed up. She dropped her hands down by her sides and Maura stared at her. "Is this because of Amelia?"

A lump settled in the back of Jane's throat. She attempted to clear it. The longer she held onto it the harder it became. The more painful it was. She averted her gaze for a moment, but the second she caught Maura's eyes again, the lump became infinitely more unbearable.

"This is a happy thing," she whispered, forcing it down. "We should be happy."

"But you're not."

"Of course I am. We have a baby girl."

"Answer the question, Jane."

"I can't." She looked at her hands. She clutched the bed sheets so tightly her knuckles lost colour.

"All I want is affirmation."

Closing her eyes, Jane allowed her head to make the briefest nod. Confirming Maura's suspicions forced the lump in her throat to shift and an uncontrollable fountain of tears flowed down her cheeks.

"You're not happy."

"No," she whispered, her voice laced with tears.

Maura's voice was cool, level. "Where were you last night, Jane?"

"I don't know."

"Why do you keep saying that?"

"Because I don't know where I was," she said, blowing a bubble inside of her mouth. "I don't know what happened."

Maura let out an exasperated sighed. She shook her head, then brushed it away. "Would you like to hold Maggie?"

"Please."

Maura climbed out of bed and scooped the baby up out of the crib. She carried her carefully across to the bed before handing her over to Jane. Jane stared down at the pale pink lump wriggling in her embrace. She fought through the tears as she stared at her little face.

"Hi Maggie," she whispered. The child stared back at her, her eyes wide with curiosity. Jane's heart ached with a mixture of emotions. She stood up and placed the baby back in the crib.

"You didn't have to put her down," Maura said, a hint of anger in her voice.

The wall beside the crib was a clinical yellow. Jane stared at a couple of scuff marks in the corner. She had to focus on something to stop the overwhelming emotions that flooded her. It took barely a moment for her to break down, great gasping sobs escaped and she leant forwards.

"Jane," Maura whispered.

She turned around and rushed towards the bed. She climbed on up beside Maura and wrapped her whole body around her. Maura froze in her arms, stuck between her anger and frustration and the love she still felt for her wife. Eventually, she relaxed her arms and allowed herself to cradle Jane as she sobbed against her shoulder.

"You need to start talking to me again," Maura said, running a hand along the back of Jane's head. "I can't help you if you won't talk to me."

Jane wiped the tears from her face, as eventually they subsided a little. "I'm okay. I'm tried, so tired. I, just, I'm okay. We'll be okay. Won't we?"

The weak smile wasn't much, but it was enough.

"I hope so."

x

The hospital became a hive of activity, people walked, or ran, past the open door at various points throughout the day. Jane sat in a chair in the corner of the room, watching Maura as she slept. She wanted to run a hand across her face, brush her lips against Maura's, but given the circumstances, she didn't think either would be entirely appropriate. Maura had made her feelings perfectly clear. Despite giving her some comfort when she'd needed it, Maura had quickly put up a wall.

"You can go," Maura said, responding to the squawks of the baby.

Jane sat up straight. She didn't want to go. She wasn't going to leave her alone again. Not now, not ever. Her family was everything and she'd already made too many mistakes.

"I'm fine here," she said.

The bed sheets spilled over the side of the bed. Maura climbed out of the bed and straightened out the covers. She scooped the grizzly baby up into her arms and carried her back to the bed. Once settled, she manoeuvred her pyjama shirt to one side and guided the baby's mouth to her engorged nipple. She latched on briefly before wriggling in Maura's arms, fighting against her. A moment later, an almighty cry escaped from her lungs and she screamed and screamed until her face grew a dark shade of pink.

"Do you need any help?" Jane asked, standing up.

Maura shook her head and raised a hand towards Jane, as though warding her away. She retreated back to her seat and watched from afar. The tiny baby wriggled and squawked until eventually, after swapping breasts, Maggie latched on and suckled like she wasn't going to be fed again for a week.

"You're amazing," Jane said, overwhelmed by love for her wife. She stood up and moved across the room again, placing her lips down on Maura's before she could protest.

Anger bubbled up like a rising tide threatening to break the harbour wall. Maura placed a hand out and pushed Jane away. Her brow furrowed, her breathing laboured. She didn't want to shout, or be angry, but that was all she felt she could do in that moment.

"Don't you dare think that because I haven't thrown you out you can kiss me like nothing has changed."

"But Maura," Jane began. Maura cut her off.

"No, Jane. You are here for our daughter. Right now I'd rather not look at you, let alone sit in the same room as you. But I am shattered. Unless you've forgotten it's been less than twenty-four hours since I gave birth."

"What are you saying?"

"I want you to go."

"But I need to stay," Jane said.

Maura pinched the bridge of her nose. The baby continued to feed, the uncomfortable tugging of her gums on her nipple. She closed her eyes, then opened them again.

"I know this is hard for you," Maura said, forcing a lack of emotion back into her voice. "It's hard for me too. You're not the only one who struggles with this every single day. Only I'm still here. I couldn't check out. I couldn't walk away. I didn't walk away."

"How many times do I need to say sorry?" Jane asked.

"It's not about apologies," Maura said. "I need time. I need you to leave me alone so that I can deal with how I feel about what you did."

"But," Jane began.

"No," Maura cut in. "You can come back to bring Toby when you pick him up from school. He needs to meet his baby sister. Then I don't want to see you again until tomorrow when you pick me up."

"But Maura," she tried again.

"I said no, Jane."

x

Toby ran out of the school and straight into Jane's arms. She wrapped her hands around his back and span him around. Holding him close brought tears back into her eyes. Jane cleared her throat and wiped at her eyelids. She couldn't cry in front of him.

"Are you ready to meet your baby sister?" Jane asked, placing him down on the floor.

"Does she look like an alien?" Toby asked.

Jane let out a brief chuckle. "Why would she look like an alien? She's a baby."

"Uncle Frankie said babies look like aliens when they're bornded."

Jane knelt down in front of him, resting a hand on either shoulder. "Listen kid, when babies are first born they can look a bit like aliens. You were the biggest alien in the hospital. But they change pretty quick."

"Quickly," Toby said.

"You and your mother," Jane muttered, rolling her eyes. "Babies change pretty quickly. Mags looks more like an old man now."

"An old man?" Toby stared at her, his eyebrows pulled together.

"She looks like a baby," Jane said, standing up and running a hand through his hair.

x

"Knock knock," Jane said as she tapped on the hospital room door.

Maura glanced up, her whole face lit up when she spotted Toby and he ran up to her, climbing onto the bed before wrapping himself around her. Ordinarily Jane would have wrapped her arms around his other side and formed a Toby sandwich, but the look in Maura's eyes as she watched her over Toby's head stopped her in her tracks.

"How is my big boy?" Maura asked, holding him at arms length.

"I got a gold star in class today," he said.

"You didn't tell me that!" Jane said. She maintained an even breath. It wasn't personal. She had to remember that.

"Can I see the baby?" he asked, reaching a hand out to Maura's stomach. "It looks like it popped."

"It does, doesn't it?" Maura smiled and ran a hand over her smaller bump. She climbed off the bed. "The baby's over here."

Toby jumped off the bed and ran the few feet across the room to the crib. He rested both hands on the edge of the plastic and stared inside. Maura placed a hand on his back.

"Look Mama," he said, turning to Jane. She walked over and glanced into the crib. "She doesn't look like an alien anymore like you said."

The look on Maura's face made Jane retreated. "Frankie told him babies look like aliens."

"Would you like to hold her?" Maura asked.

Without discussion, Jane pulled one of the plastic chairs across the room and placed it down beside the crib. Toby sat down. Carefully lifting her out, Maura placed Maggie into Toby's arms.

"She's heavy," Toby said.

"She's six pounds nine ounces," Maura said.

"That's like," Toby stared into space, his eyes moving about in his sockets. "A lot of flour."

Maura laughed. "She's a little heavier than the bags of flour we usually buy."

"Let's get some photos, kid," Jane said, taking out her phone. He sat with a toothy grin as Jane and Maura both took a couple of snaps.

Placing the baby back in the crib, Maura climbed onto the bed. Toby swung his legs back and forth in his seat. They talked for a few minutes about school, and the hospital.

"Would you like pizza for dinner?" Maura asked.

"Do they have pizza in the hospital?" he asked, his eyes wide.

"No," Maura said. "You and Mama can go and get some pizza before you go home."

"But I wanna stay with you, Mommy," he said, his face contorted as his eyes filled with tears. He climbed back up onto the bed and Maura wrapped her arms around him.

"I have to stay here with Maggie," she said, running a hand along the back of his hair. Tears pricked her eyes. She didn't want him to go either. "But I love you so much."

"How much?" he asked, sitting backwards.

Maura reached her arms out as far as they could go. "This much, and so much more."

He smiled a little, then leant back in for another hug. Maura cuddled him tight.

"Mommy's coming home tomorrow," Jane said, stepping forwards. She placed a hand on Toby's back. He turned around and wrapped both arms around her neck as she lifted him from the bed. "We can ring her in the morning, how does that sound?"

"That sounds perfect," Maura said.

"Bye Mommy," he whispered, and rested his head on Jane's shoulder.

"Bye Mommy, bye Maggie," Jane repeated, her eyes fixed on Maura's. "We love you both."

* * *

 **Author Note** **: P.S. I hope you'll stop hating Jane soon. She screwed up, but it's really not as simple as her doing it to be cruel.**


	6. Chapter 5

**Author Notes** **: Thank you so much to everyone for your interest in this story - comments, favs, follows, etc. they're all so lovely to see and I appreciate them a great deal. I hope you're all continuing to enjoy the story - even if Jane is annoying some of you. I hope eventually the explanations will help you see her in a more positive light. Thanks again to you all!**

* * *

Pulling the tape closed across the diaper, Maura buttoned Maggie's onesie around her body and lifted her from the bed. She cradled her in one arm and sat down in the chair beside the bed. A loneliness filled her with a sense of dread. She didn't know how they could get past what happened. All that Maura knew was that she loved Jane, and she didn't want to let it ruin their relationship. Wanting and feeling were two very different things.

"Ready to go home?" Ashley asked, standing in the doorway.

Maura glanced up and smiled. "Our bags are packed; we just have to wait for Jane to come by after she takes Toby to Kindergarten."

"May I?" Ashley asked, reaching her arms out. Maura stood up and placed the baby gently into Ashley's arms.

"How does it feel being a big sister?"

"I'm already a big sister," she said. "But it's amazing. She's so beautiful."

"That's because she looks like Jane," Maura whispered, staring down at her hands. She didn't like to admit it when she was so angry with her, but their daughter looked so much like her mother. Her dark curls had stuck, and she had a tenacity that Maura couldn't mistake as being Jane's. Despite how she felt, it still filled her with so much love she could barely contain it.

"I'm sorry I can't be around much for a while," Ashley said. "If it was any other time. I'm caught up in this case."

"It's okay," Maura said, running a hand along Ashley's upper arm. "Angela's coming to stay with us for a week."

"I bet Mom's thrilled," Ashley said, smirking.

Maura raised an eyebrow. "How are you? Has anything else happened with your partner?"

Ashley averted her gaze. She stared down at her baby sister and wondered if she'd looked similar as a newborn. She perched on the edge of the bed, cradling the baby as she wriggled around.

"It happened again."

"Oh, Ashley." Maura lowered herself into the chair.

"Things got rough. Our cover was nearly blown. We had to do something, and, what we did led to something else, which led to…that."

"It's obviously something that you want," Maura said. "I hope you were at least safe."

"Yes, we're safe," Ashley said. "I don't know that it is what I want. Not really. We got caught up in the moment. It's so intense sometimes and he's the closest thing I have to my real life. I know it's wrong. I'm just so attracted to him."

"Is he cute?"

"Very."

Maura sighed. "Please be careful. I don't want you to get hurt."

"I'm trying."

"Is this a party or can anyone join in?" Jane asked, entering the room carrying a baby carrier. Ashley stood up, still clutching the baby. She leant forwards as Jane kissed her on the cheek, then ran a finger across the baby's forehead.

"You're early," Maura said.

"I arranged for one of the other moms to drop Toby at school. I just took him to their house. I thought you'd want to come home as soon as possible."

"We're waiting on the paperwork," Maura said.

"I should go," Ashley said, holding the baby out to Jane.

She hesitated.

Maggie wriggled, sticking her little tongue out, as Ashley held her out in front of her. Gritting her teeth, Jane placed the carrier on the floor and wrapped her arms around the baby's body.

"Bye Maura, Mom," Ashley said, kissing Maggie on the nose and walking out of the room.

The small weight of the baby in her arms hit Jane harder than she imagined it would. Maggie continued to move, her little fingers clenched around Jane's thumb and she felt like she was going to cry. Jane unwrapped her tiny nails and placed her on the bed.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm putting her in the carrier so we can go," Jane said, lifting it up. She cleared the lump in her throat and focused on arranging the straps. She picked Maggie up again, briefly, before placing her into the carrier.

"I'll check on the paperwork," Maura said.

Jane stepped back from the bed, blocking the way out. "So, you can't even be in the same room as me."

"Don't do this, Jane," Maura said.

"Why not? It's a pretty basic question."

"No." Maura sighed. "No I don't want to be in the same room as you. Please let me past."

x

With the baby safely asleep in the Moses basket, Maura lay down on her bed and closed her eyes. She was too wired to sleep. That morning she'd woken in the hospital surrounded by people who could help her. Now she was at home with the one person she didn't want help from.

"Are you still awake?"

Maura opened her eyes. Jane stood at the foot of the bed with two mugs in her hands. She searched her mind for something to say that wasn't too harsh, but her patience had already worn thin.

"I hope you're not going to drink that in here."

"No," Jane whispered, but the disappointment that spread across her face suggested otherwise. "I brought you some green tea. I'm on my way to tidy up Toby's bedroom."

"He should do it himself."

"He's six, Maura," Jane said.

"He's never too young to learn."

"But he never does it properly."

"I'm tired," Maura said, closing her eyes and rolling onto her side.

Jane placed one of the mugs of tea on the bedside cabinet and walked back towards the door. "I'm sorry for bothering you. I'll leave you to rest."

"Thank you."

x

By lunchtime, Jane had tidied Toby's bedroom, cleaned up the living area and made ratatouille. She served up a couple of portions and placed the rest in a tub to freeze for later. She placed one portion on a tray with cutlery and a small flower she'd picked from the garden and carried it up the stairs.

"I thought you'd like some lunch," Jane said. She pushed open the bedroom door. Maura sat up on the bed, the baby suckling from her left breast.

"I'm busy right now," Maura said.

Jane sighed. "I made you some lunch."

"I was going to come downstairs. I'm bored of lying in bed all day. I was going to make some for myself."

Jane stood a little taller, her shoulders back. "I'll take it back downstairs then. You can heat it up when you're ready."

"No," Maura stopped her in the process of turning back towards the hallway. "It's okay. I'll eat it."

The smile that spread across her face was difficult to hide as she turned back to Maura. She carried the tray across the room and placed it down on the bed.

"Would you like me to take her? I can warm up one of the bottles you expressed at the hospital."

"No," Maura said. "We're okay."

Jane nodded. She lingered at the foot of the bed. Despite her misgivings, she still wanted to be involved. Above all else, she wanted to ease the load for Maura. The baby ate hungrily. Maura stared at Jane for a moment, until she finally turned tail and closed the bedroom door behind her.

In the afternoon, Jane sat on the sofa and watched daytime television. Her daily routine of soap operas was growing tiresome. She longed for something more stimulating. She flicked through the television channels until she settled on an old movie she used to watch when she was a teenager.

"Look Maggie," Maura whispered, carrying the baby through the lounge. "This is the what the rest of the house looks like."

Jane span in her seat and watched the baby's wide eyes taking in her surroundings. Her lips involuntarily curled at the edges. Maura was as stunning now as she'd ever been. She carried Maggie around the room and pointed out everything, right down to the Latin name of the plant they had in the corner of the room. They'd fought for years over the parenting of Toby, how much or how little they should say about the proper names for things, and Jane always took it to be something of a game. Now she longed for a conversation where Maura tried to persuade her that her way was the right one. What she'd give to let Maura win just once more.

"I think your Mama wants a cuddle," Maura said, closing the gap between them. Before she could decide, Maura placed the baby into her arms. "I need some fresh air. I'm going for a walk around the garden."

x

The evening came by quickly. Angela arrived with Toby in tow, and a suitcase full of her belongings. She cooked dinner. Jane helped Toby with a homework assignment, and they played in his room. Whilst Maura fed Maggie and put her down for a sleep, Jane read a bedtime story to Toby and returned to their bedroom in the hope of getting an early night.

"What are you doing?" Maura asked. Jane stopped mid-action, the bed covers partially pulled back.

"Going to bed," she said.

Maura pursed her lips. "Can you find somewhere else to sleep tonight?"

Jane's brow furrowed. "You won't let me sleep in my own bed?"

"I need time," Maura said, turning away as she stripped off her shirt and replaced it with a pyjama top.

Jane watched her move, relished in the brief glance at her wife's body, a body she hadn't been able to touch in longer than she cared to remember. Under any other circumstance, she'd have taken a step forwards and lifted her into the air, tickling her until she submitted and they made love on the floor beside the bed. But too many obstacles stood in their way.

"Where can I sleep?" she asked. "Ma's in the guest house while Ashley's away. We turned the spare room into a nursery."

"That's not my problem," Maura said, throwing a couple of pillows down on the floor and climbing into bed.

x

The couch made for an uncomfortable night. Maura knew that and yet she still couldn't allow Jane back into their bed. It was the place they shared their most intimate of moments. It was where Maura had told Jane that she was carrying their child. It was the only space in the house that belonged to only the two of them. Even the en-suite had been taken over by Toby.

At three in the morning, when Maura fed Maggie, her mind drifted over the last few days. Eventually she would have to make a decision. She couldn't leave Jane hanging for too much longer, it wasn't fair. Forgiveness and sharing a bed did not have to come together. Nor did intimacy. But it felt like allowing Jane to share her bed would open up that can of worms that she wished to keep hidden.

"Shh," Maura whispered, rocking Maggie back and forth as she latched onto her breast. Her mouth moved rapidly, hungrily suckling the milk from her body.

After the next feed, Maura lay awake in bed, unable to get past the thoughts spinning around in her mind. She was exhausted. Her mind was still a mush of emotions that wouldn't loosen their attack on her body. Yet she couldn't switch off to recoup some of her lost energy.

"Are you awake?"

The voice travelled through the wooden door. Maura glanced across at the clock – it had already reached seven. She pushed herself up into a seated position and gave Jane affirmation to her consciousness.

"I brought you some tea," Jane said, carrying a single mug across the room and placing it beside the clock.

"Thank you," Maura said, forcing the briefest of smiles. At some point they would have to do this together. Regardless of how angry she still felt.

"I've just made some breakfast," Jane said. "There's pancake mix in the fridge, Ma's clearing up and said she'd make you some when you're ready for it. I'm going to take Toby to the park before school. Ma's got a shift at the Robber at lunchtime, so I'd make use of her now before she goes."

"Okay."

Without another word, Jane disappeared from the bedroom, leaving her alone. For the first time in the twenty-four hours since she was getting ready to go home, she didn't want to be alone. She longed for the comfort of Jane's embrace. She desired the intimacy she still felt some resentment towards. None of that changed her anger. It was still too soon.

x

After breakfast, Maura carried the Moses basket down into the living area and placed Maggie into it. Then she flicked through the television and lay down. Exhaustion filled her until her eyes wouldn't stay open any longer. The brief moment where she kept forcing herself back to consciousness dissipated into sleep.

When she woke a couple of hours later, the Moses basket was empty. A feeling bubbled up inside of her, and she stared around the empty room. There was nobody there. The house was silent. Maura felt tears prick her eyes, a lump settled at the back of her throat. She tried to force it away but it caught in her throat and forced tears to trail down her cheeks.

"Maggie?" she said aloud, standing up.

The front door opened. Maura stared at Jane, her eyes filled with tears as she spun around, searching the room for the baby she'd left in the basket. Jane stepped towards her, her brow furrowed.

"Where is she?" Maura asked.

"Where's who?" Jane asked.

"Amelia," Maura said, then shook her head. "Maggie."

Jane's shoulders sunk. She reached out and wrapped her arms tightly around Maura's body. She sunk into her embrace. The last few days disappeared into the ether. Maura knew it would matter again later, but for the briefest moment she needed something and Jane was there to provide it. She pushed her face into the crook of Jane's neck and allowed her tears to coat her skin.

"What's going on?" Angela asked, walking into the room with the baby on her shoulder.

"Maggie," Maura shouted, letting go of Jane. She scooped the baby up into her arms and held her close.

"Is everything okay?" Angela asked again.

"Yeah, Ma," Jane said, squeezing her shoulder. "Everything's going to be okay."


	7. Chapter 6

**Author Notes** **: Thanks for all of the comments and favs/follows, as always (I'm running out of ways of saying that, haha) you guys are the greatest. This was a fun chapter to write, in so many ways, I hope you enjoy it just as much.**

* * *

"Gabriel Dean and his wife are coming over for dinner tonight," Jane said. She spooned oatmeal into her mouth and continued reading the sports section of the newspaper like she'd only informed Maura that Toby had an aikido class.

Maura placed her bagel back down on her plate, her mouth agape. "Pardon?"

"I said, Gabriel Dean," Jane repeated, not taking her eyes from the article she was reading.

"I heard what you said," Maura cut her off. "Why?"

"He won't tell me why. Just that he needs to see me," Jane turned over the page, unaware of Maura's gaze fixed upon her, nonchalantly browsing. "I saw him the night that Maggie was born, that's why I didn't make it to dinner."

" _Excuse_ me?" Maura pushed her breakfast to one side and leaned across the table. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I knew you'd be mad," Jane said, lowering the newspaper. She folded it up and placed it down beside her.

"Yes, I'm mad," Maura said, gritting her teeth. "I'm angry that you didn't tell me. He's the reason you missed our daughter being born and you kept it from me."

"No." Jane vehemently shook her head. She wiped her hands on the legs of her pants and sipped her orange juice. "When I got the call that you were in labour, I left. We weren't able to finish our conversation. He had to fly back to Washington. He's in Boston again for a few days with his wife, I agreed to meet with him."

"Left to go where?"

"You're just going to ignore the part where I told you, again, that he's married?" Jane asked. "Happily, as far as I'm aware. They've got two children."

"His marital affairs are none of my business. What is my business is your inability to be honest about the night Maggie was born."

"Please, Maura." Jane pinched the bridge of her nose. The elephant in the house sat between them all of the time. She was tired of having to explain. "We've been over this. I don't know what happened. I can't remember."

"You claim he had nothing to do with you missing Maggie's birth, and yet somehow you've learned all about his personal life."

"We had a five-minute conversation. I wanted to know why he wanted to meet with me. Instead he demanded I tell him about my life. He returned the favour."

Maura slammed her palm down on the table and stood up. "I don't want him here."

"It's just for a couple of hours," Jane said. She picked up her bowl and carried it to the dishwasher.

"I am tired. I leak every day. I don't want company."

"My mother has been living with us for the last three days, how is this different?"

"Angela is here to help. She's family. She's not here for some unknown reason, and she's not your ex-boyfriend."

"So, your problem is that he's my ex-boyfriend?" Jane turned around, her eyebrow raised.

"No." Maura clutched the back of the chair, her knuckles paled. "I do not want anyone visiting until we're settled."

"I'm sorry," Jane said. "He has to go back to Washington again tomorrow. It was either invite him here or join him in a restaurant and I didn't think you'd want to leave Maggie."

"You're right about that. Why do we have to see him at all?"

The last time she saw Agent Gabriel Dean, they'd parted on bad terms. He was one of her least favourite people in the world. Not because he was once in a relationship with Jane, no matter how brief, but because time and time again he did things she didn't agree with. Not to mention the fact he shot her biological father. Even if it was a blessing in disguise.

"I don't know. He's being cagey. If we play nice for an hour, maybe he'll tell me everything I need to know and we won't have to see him again."

"You're cooking," Maura said. Jane nodded. "And you need to sort something out for the children. I will only be a part of this for as long as is necessary. Then I'm done. Do not let this happen again until we, _as a family_ , are ready for visitors."

x

"Hello Gabriel, it's lovely to see you again," Jane said, allowing him to kiss her briefly on the cheek. She turned to his wife and held out a hand. "Hi, I'm Jane."

"Hello, Anita," his wife said, ignoring her hand and pulling Jane into a hug. "Gabriel has told me so much about you."

"Come on in," Jane said. "It's freezing out there. We've got the fire going, we don't use it often since we've got two little ones."

Jane stepped to one side and accepted Anita's coat. She hung it up by the door and followed them into the living room.

"Maura! I didn't think I'd be seeing you." Dean took a step forwards and enveloped Maura into a hug, placing a kiss against her cheek. He then turned to Jane. "Was your husband not able to make it? I wanted to meet him."

"Husband?" Maura glanced at Jane, her eyes wide.

Jane cleared her throat and moved to Maura's side, she slid an arm around her waist and pulled her close. "That's because I don't have a husband."

"I don't understand," Dean said, his brow furrowed. "You said you were married."

"Yeah. To Maura."

"Oh. Well, that's unexpected."

Maura pushed Jane's hand away from her side and held her arm out to the couch. "Please, take a seat. Can I get you both a drink?"

"Wine would be wonderful," Anita said. "White, if you have it."

"Always," Maura said, and retreated to the kitchen. Jane followed. "What are you doing Jane?"

"Please Maura, just for tonight," she said, standing behind her, her hand rested on the countertop encasing Maura between herself and the counter. "Can we pretend that we're okay? Dean's going to leave in a couple of hours, I just want him to know that we're good."

"But we're not," Maura whispered.

"I know, but please can you do this for me?"

The close proximity made Jane's skin tingle. She'd missed Maura. She hadn't been able to get close to her in days. Feeling her body inches from her caused a reaction she hadn't anticipated. She didn't move, desperate to maintain a level of intimacy, if only for a moment longer.

"Why is this so important to you?" Maura asked, placing her elbow out behind her, forcing Jane to take a step back.

"I don't know. Maybe I'm tired of having you snap at every little thing I do, deserved or not. Maybe I just want to keep up appearances so that Dean doesn't ask too many questions."

"Okay." Maura turned around, her attention focused on Jane's. "Just until they leave.

"Not a second more," Jane said, leaning in and brushing Maura's lips with her own. She lingered momentarily. She reached for the glasses as she pulled away and carried them across the room.

Maura watched her move. She ran a finger across her bottom lip. Her eyes trained on Jane's long legs. Legs that up until recently she had forgotten to look at, had forgotten to take pleasure in. Her eyes trailed up Jane's body as she handed the Deans their drinks. When did she stop noticing her wife?

Once the pleasantries were out of the way, Jane served dinner, and they talked, laughed and drank their way through the evening. By the end of the night, Jane was still none the wiser about Dean's visit.

"May I use the little girl's room before we leave?" Anita asked. Maura stood up and motioned towards the bathroom.

"I'll meet you by the car," Dean said, kissing Anita at the corner of her mouth. "Jane, would you please walk me out?"

She followed faithfully, expectantly waiting for the reason for his visit. On the doorstep he just smiled at her, his goofy grin only sought to piss her off. She was done with the friendly charades.

"What is going on, Gabriel?

"I need you to take an undercover assignment."

Jane's brow furrowed. "I'm not a cop anymore."

"That's exactly why I'm asking you. There's a leak at the police department. Someone's feeding a trafficking group intel and it's jeopardising the operation. I need someone who isn't on the inside."

"Why are you involved?"

"There's a potential threat to national security," he said. "The person, whoever it is, is feeding sensitive information to criminals. We have reason to believe it's not just about their own criminal activity but about another trafficking organisation that the FBI has been tracing for years. We've been liaising with the division at BPD, sharing intel, quid pro quo. We have undercover agents on the ground but they're not in Boston. Somehow information is getting through."

"How do you know there's not a leak at your end?"

"We're doing everything we can to establish where this leak is coming from, including working our end. But there's certain information that we're feeding through BPD, false information."

"So you know it's coming from Boston." Dean nodded. Jane shrugged. "Why me?"

"Why not you? You're a great detective."

"Was."

"Was, are. I don't believe you lose the skills. BPD have their own undercover agents out in the field, trying to get intel on the organisation working out of Boston. We believe the leak is here, and we need your help."

"I don't know, Gabriel." Jane wrapped her arms around her shoulders. The night was growing colder. "I got out of the game because I have a young family."

"Think about it, please." He lifted a card from his pocket. "If you decide to go ahead, here's the number of the guy liaising with me from the Boston office. Call him, he'll set you up."

"I'll have to think. Talk it through with Maura."

"Err, no," Dean said. " _Nobody_ can know. We can't have any information getting through to BPD. I know your brother still works there."

"Can I at least tell her you want me to go undercover? No details."

"Fine, do what you have to do," he said, running a hand along her shoulder. "It was so good to see you again."

The door opened. Anita exited the house, she wrapped an arm around Dean's back and they said their goodbyes. Jane slipped back inside.

The warmth of the fire still roaring in the grate reached the ends of her fingers. She moved towards the table and started to clear the dishes. She stopped, lowered the pile of plates back down to the table and paused.

Maura stood beside Jane. She didn't turn, but it didn't matter. Maura glanced down from her lips to her wrist. Her breathing became laboured. She reached a hand out and gripped Jane's wrist, tugging her fingers away from the table. The crease between Jane's eyes didn't escape Maura's notice, as their eyes locked, but she didn't care. She twisted her round, pulled her forwards and tilted her head to one side before placing her lips against Jane's. It took a moment for Jane to react. When she did, the world stopped turning. Maura slid her fingers around Jane's neck, until her little fingers rested behind her ears, hungrily bringing her forwards. The feel of Jane's soft lips, the lingering taste of chocolate mousse, filled up her senses. She _missed_ her. She pushed against Jane, leaning in close. Jane grappled at her waist in an attempt to keep herself upright. The breath Maura had been holding reached its capacity and she stepped backwards, gasping for air.

Jane stared at her, her chest heaving with every heavy breath. "What the hell just happened?"

"I didn't realise how much I missed kissing you," Maura said, her arms fell by her sides as she stared into Jane's curious eyes. She swiped a couple of tears from her cheeks and allowed her lips to curve into a smile.

Silence descended over them. Jane stared back at Maura, gaging her reaction. She stepped forwards, closing the gap. Her eyes still fixed on Maura's as their lips met. Still cautiously watching her as she opened her mouth, slipping her tongue out until Maura's lips parted and she allowed her to deepen the embrace. Jane ran her hands across Maura's back, up and down against the fabric that kept her from her. It was too soon for anything else. She knew that, but it didn't stop her body from reacting to the passion seeping between them.

Maura stepped back again. She ran the back of her hand across her damp lips. "I don't know. I don't...know. Everything's such a mess right now."

"Maybe it is," Jane said, edging closer. She rested a hand against Maura's face and kept her focus. The world melted away. In that moment it was just the two of them. Nothing else mattered. "But if you want to kiss me, can we not just be in this moment for a while, you and me, your lips and mine. Let's sit on the couch and make out like teenagers, and then afterwards, you can go back to hating me."

"I don't hate you." Maura wrapped a hand around Jane's arm and leaned her head against it. "I could never hate you."

Dropping her hand down by her side, Jane interlinked her fingers with Maura's, she led her across the room and sat down. A brief tug and Maura tumbled onto the couch beside her. Their hands moved across each other's bodies, grasping at material as their mouths danced together. They fooled around like teenagers, cautious of going a step too far but pushing the boundaries at every available opportunity. Maura pushed her backwards. Jane lay on the couch with Maura's body pressed against her, a heavy weight that felt more like a feather. Jane wrapped her arms around Maura's back and lapped up the taste of Maura's tongue in her mouth. She felt giddy with playful excitement. They were grown women, married with children, they had never made out without it leading to something more before. When Maura's hand pressed down on Jane's breast she let out a soft moan, the sound disappeared into Maura's mouth.

"I am so hot right now," Jane whispered, panting slowly. She wrapped her legs around Maura's back and held her close, gasping against her ear. The kissing was over and yet neither of them moved, they just lay together, Maura's head resting on her chest.

"If I hadn't just given birth," Maura replied, trailing kisses along Jane's collarbone.

The door opened. Maura sat upright, quickly pulling herself away from Jane. She stared across the room at Angela, stood in the doorway with Toby by her side and the baby in her arms. She reached a hand out to his eyes and covered them.

"Wrestling!" Toby shouted and ran across the room. He went to jump on Jane, when Maura grabbed him by the middle and span him around.

"Bed time!" she shouted back, pushing him in the direction of the stairs.

"Sorry!" Angela mouthed as she prodded Toby up the stairs.

Maura wiped her lips with the back of her hand. Jane sat back up on the sofa and stared at Maura. Questions lingered between them, and yet neither of them spoke. They stood side by side, averting each other's gaze.

"I'm going to make sure Maggie's ready for sleep," Maura said, rushing out of the room.

"I'll clean up then," Jane shouted after her and returned to the table.

Once the house was tidy and Angela had gone back to the guest house, Jane went to check on the kids. She said goodnight to Toby and retreated to the bedroom to get her pyjamas. Maura sat on the bed manually expressing milk.

"I think I got a little too excited," Maura said, wincing. "I forgot to express properly and Angela's already fed Maggie."

"Are you in pain?"

"A little, it's uncomfortable."

Jane smiled weakly. She opened her drawer and pulled out a t-shirt and pair of shorts. Then she turned back around and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" Maura asked.

Jane turned back to Maura, cautiously optimistic. She didn't move. She stood across the room waiting for Maura to speak. When she held out a hand, Jane stepped forwards.

"I don't want to sleep alone," Maura said.

Stripping off, Jane changed into her pyjamas and perched on the edge of the bed. Maura cleaned herself up and threw on a nightgown. Pulling back the covers she slipped into the bed. Jane joined her and they wrapped each other up in their arms.

"Don't think this means I've forgiven you," Maura said, as Jane turned out the light.

She sighed, she didn't expect it would. "I haven't forgive myself."

They closed their eyes, their bodies merged into one as they set off on their journey to the land of nod.

* * *

 **Author Notes** **: Well that escalated quickly...I wasn't quite expecting it to go that way, but I'm glad it did.**


	8. Chapter 7

**Author Notes** **: Thank you to everyone for the comments and following/favouriting. You're all wonderful and I appreciate that you're all reading my story. I'm not sure how much or little writing I will get done over the rest of the Easter weekend, but the weather is supposed to be horrible so I may get lucky. Whether you celebrate Easter or not, I hope you have a great weekend and to those that do - Happy Easter! (Don't eat too many chocolate eggs...if that's not part of your culture, then do you do something different? Let me know, I love to learn about other communities experiences.)**

* * *

At some point in the night, Jane had woken in a cool sweat, her hands shook and she struggled to breath. The intense fog lingered, grasping hold of her consciousness until she walked around the house in a bubble. When Maggie started screaming a couple of hours later, Jane found herself sitting on the closed lid of the toilet downstairs. Her arms hugged her knees, tucked up against her body. It was like she'd woken from a dream, and yet she wasn't in her bed where she expected to find herself. The baby's cries continued, reaching every corner of the house before eventually she heard the bedroom door open and close.

"You're okay," Maura cooed, rocking the tearful baby in her arms as she entered the kitchen. Jane exited the bathroom and joined Maura.

"Do you want me to take her?" she asked, despite a heavy weight sitting on her chest when she asked the question.

"Oh, Jane, you scared me," Maura said, resting a hand on her chest.

"Sorry." She hoped the diverted conversation would remove the weight constricting her lungs. Then she opened her mouth again, and the weight pressed harder. "Can I help?"

Why had she asked again? She took long, deep breaths and yet her lungs would not fill with the necessary amount of air. She rested a hand against the kitchen counter. Maura shifted the baby in her arms.

"It's okay," Maura said. "I haven't expressed enough."

Jane nodded. She closed her eyes and rubbed them a few times, her elbows rested on the countertop. She tried slow, shallow breaths, like a woman in labour, and found some relief from the pain in her chest.

"You can keep me company, unless you'd rather get some more sleep," Maura said.

Jane stood upright and turned. Maura was now sitting on the couch, the streetlight shone off her bare skin as the baby suckled from her breast. A late night silence filled the air, only the baby's feeding could be heard. She strolled across the room and sat down beside Maura, her legs crossed, a pillow tucked into the gap. She clung to it. The more time that passed, the easier each breath became.

Maura turned to Jane. "I didn't have chance to ask, what did Dean want?"

The conversation the night before felt like a dream that had slowly slipped from her memory. She searched her mind for the snippets of sentences Dean had said to her, until she'd pieced it back together again.

"He wants me to help out on an undercover assignment."

Maura slipped off the other side of her shirt and swapped arms, Maggie squawked until her mouth found her nipple and she carried on feeding.

"How do you feel about that?" Maura asked, pulling her shirt back up over her bare breast.

"Getting some practice in while you're off work?" Jane asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It was an honest question, Jane," Maura replied. "I wasn't practicing the skills I use with a client. I'm trying to understand how you feel about Dean's proposal."

"How do you feel about it?" Jane asked.

"That's neither here, nor there," Maura said. "The decision is yours."

"The decision is mine?" Jane squeezed the pillow against her chest. "You were angry that I asked Dean and his wife over for dinner without asking you, but the decision is mine about this?"

Maura cleared her throat. "The situations are entirely separate. Inviting Dean over was further example of your current inability to consider my feelings in the situation. You missed our daughter's birth because you were meeting with him."

"I've already told you, Maura," Jane began, but Maura cut her off.

"You've told me nothing else. You don't remember what happened afterwards, and I don't know how to respond to that. Either you're lying to me or there's something more going on."

"There's nothing going on," Jane said.

"So, you're admitting to lying to me?"

"No. I…I wish I had a better answer for you, but I don't. My point is that I am trying to consider your feelings, that's why I'm asking you."

"Your career meant everything to you," Maura said, smiling down at the baby as she stared up at her parents. She placed the baby on her shoulder and rubbed her back. She returned her gaze to Jane. "I didn't have a problem with you being a cop, so I don't have a problem with you going undercover, provided you will still be here for your family."

"Of course I will," Jane said. "I don't know the full details yet, but if they want me to do this, I need to set sound boundaries."

They sat in silence, the baby's wriggles and noises quieted down until Maura held her in her arms, fast asleep. Jane watched from her safe distance. She committed the baby's face to memory, something which, despite her being in the world for a few days, she had yet to do. A lump crept up the back of her throat and she attempted to clear it.

"I'm going to take her up to bed," Maura said, carrying the baby back through the house. Jane sat on the couch, staring into the darkness, waiting just long enough for Maura to have returned the baby to her Moses basket, before she joined her.

x

Picking up her keys, Maura hovered in the doorway. She glanced back at the baby, asleep in her Moses basket, and Jane sat on the couch watching sports. She moved towards the door then walked back again, returning to check on the baby.

"You can leave," Jane said, flicking through the sports channels.

"I don't want to leave her," Maura said, resting a hand on Maggie's stomach.

"It's just for a couple hours," Jane said. "You deserve to get a massage."

Being deserving and actually doing it were very different things. She wasn't sure it was the right decision to leave Maggie when she was only a few days old. Yet the thought of having the niggles in her back pushed out by her wonderful masseuse was too much of an opportunity to pass up.

"I could rearrange," Maura said. "Maybe I can find a masseuse who will come to me."

"Then you'll spend the whole massage worrying about Maggie," Jane said. "Go before she wakes up. She won't even know you've gone."

"Okay," Maura said, but she still wasn't entirely convinced. "Don't play the TV too loud."

"I won't," Jane said, resting her feet on the coffee table and lowering the volume further.

Maura resisted the urge to ask her to remove her feet, and quickly ran out of the door. The moment the door closed behind her, she felt a huge weight slip from her shoulders. She hadn't even realised how tense she'd been caring for her daughter.

The ninety-minute massage sent her into a calm state, her body felt infinitely more relaxed and her muscles ached less. She made a note of the things the masseuse said about maintaining her posture during breast feeding and booked in for another session the following week. The drive back to the house was something she both dreaded and relished – returning to her family was all she really wanted to do, but she knew being back there would also rebuild the tension in her shoulders. She loved them, but caring for two children was tiring and she worried about them more than she expected since Maggie had arrived. Then there was Jane. She tried to move on from what happened, they couldn't change it, after all. But it lingered in the background of every moment together.

When she unlocked the front door, Maggie squawked loudly from the Moses basket. The television continued to play a baseball game. Maura entered the house expecting to find Jane rushing into the room to see to the baby as her cries became more intense, instead she found her still seated on the couch.

"Jane," she shouted, dropping her bag on the floor and rushing to pick up Maggie.

She glanced at Jane, her eyes fixed on the television. She rolled her eyes and carried Maggie towards the other side of the room where she sat down and proceeded to feed her. Once she'd settled again, she placed her back into the basket and turned off the television.

"What is going on?" Maura asked, standing in front of the screen. When Jane barely moved, her eyes fixed on the screen, Maura frowned. "Jane?"

She moved forwards and perched on the edge of the coffee table. She placed a hand on Jane's knee and she finally acknowledged her presence. She smiled and Maura attempted to return the favour.

"You're back," Jane said.

Maura stared at her, her hand still resting on her knee. "What happened?"

"What do you mean?" Jane asked.

"You were completely zoned out," Maura said. "Maggie was crying."

"Oh, sorry," Jane said. "I got a bit caught up in the game."

Maura narrowed her eyes. Jane's explanation would have explained it all had she not turned the television off a few moments earlier. "Has this happened before?"

"No, I've not had to look after her on my own before today."

"You were out of it," Maura said again. "Jane, what's going on?"

A calmness in Jane's voice unsettled Maura further. "Nothing, I'm fine."

"I don't think you are." Maura moved to sit beside her. "Have you zoned out before?"

"No, Maura." The tone of Jane's voice changed. A harshness filled her mouth. "I said I'm fine."

"Let me be the judge of that." Maura reached for Jane's wrist and placed a couple of fingers over her pulse point. It was a little fast. "Has anything else happened?"

"No." Jane tugged her hand away. "I said drop it, Maura. I'm fine. Leave me alone."

She was taken aback by Jane's reaction. Maura cleared her throat. The tension she'd pushed away during her massage was slowly creeping back in. "I, I was just trying to help."

"I don't need your help," Jane snapped, standing up. "I'm fine."

"So you keep telling me," Maura said.

"I'm going for a walk."

Maura didn't move from the couch. She watched Jane stalk across the room in her sweatpants and an old BPD t-shirt.

"But, Jane," she said, attempting once more to have a conversation with her about what had happened. Her heart sank when the front door slammed shut behind her.

x

She didn't know why she felt so defensive, she barely remembered anything about the last hour. One minute she was watching the game, and Maggie started crying, the next Maura was sat in front of her with her hand on her knee. If she'd just been honest, maybe Maura could have helped her. She just didn't know how to explain it to her without sounding like she'd lost a few of her marbles. Jane stalked along the sidewalk, going faster and faster until her legs began to run. She sped along by the road, the wind gushed against her face, her t-shirt barely protected her from the elements. She ran until her legs could move no more, until her lungs ached with every difficult breath.

x

"Jane, when you get this message, please call me," Maura said, holding her cell phone against her ear. She looked up at the sound of the door opening. "I think you're home, so, never mind."

Placing her phone on the kitchen counter, Maura ran her hands through her hair and turned in her seat. When she saw Angela staring back at her, her face contorted and her eyelids overflowed. She turned back around and wiped at her eyes. She cleared her throat.

"What's wrong?" Angela asked, a look of sheer horror spread across her features. "What's happened?"

"It's fine," Maura said, catching teardrops on her fingertips as they kept flowing.

"Your mouth says that." Angela walked around the room until she stood in front of Maura. "But your face says something different."

"Hormones," Maura whispered. She placed her hand across her face and covered her eyes. As her shoulders started to shake, Maura felt some comfort in Angela's hand on her back. She turned in her seat and allowed her mother-in-law to envelop her. Whilst hormones were not the cause of her upset, the lack of sleep and bundle of hormones made it all feel so much worse.

Five minutes later, Maura sat on the couch with a mug of green tea. Angela cradled the baby on her lap. She jiggled her about as Maggie squawked and wriggled.

"I don't think I had time to tell you how beautiful you look, Maura," Angela said. "You're glowing. I think post-birth really suits you."

"I don't," Maura began, then restarted. "Thank you."

She cupped Maura's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "You can talk to me, even if it's about my daughter. I know she screwed up, and I know she's sorry, but that doesn't stop it being something. I just hope you won't let it come between you."

"We're not," Maura said, sipping her tea. "I'm trying not to. We're working on it. I, just, I'm worried about her."

"What has she done this time?"

"No, nothing." Maura placed her mug on the coffee table. "I'm not sure how well she's coping right now."

"Sweetie, who copes when they've just had a baby? I think I spent the first month with Jane like I was walking through a cloud. With Tommy I thought I'd never find my way out. After everything that's happened, it's okay for it to be difficult."

"It's more than that," Maura said. "I think it's more than that. I don't know. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong."

"Have you tried talking to her?"

"We got into an argument and she walked out. I don't know where she went or when she's coming home. _If_ she'll come home."

"She'll come home." Angela placed the baby in the Mosses basket beside her and took both of Maura's hands. "You couldn't keep her away from her family. She loves you too much."

"I'm…I'm scared that this, whatever this is, will tear us apart."

"Listen," Angela said. "I'll take Mags. You go upstairs, draw yourself a nice hot bath and put on some music. Relax. Let me look after the baby. I can go and pick Toby up from school I'll bring them home, make sure they're good and then I'll cook dinner. If Jane's home in time great, if she's not, then we'll have dinner, just the two of us. How does that sound?"

"That sounds wonderful, thank you, Angela."

"Don't worry," she said, rubbing Maura's upper arm. "I'm here to support you. No more what ifs, and try not to let my daughter make it harder for you."

* * *

 **Author Notes** **: Thanks for reading - hoping the next chapter will be a little lighter. I keep trying to bring some happiness into this, but the story is writing itself in many ways. Please do tell me what you'll be up to this weekend - I love to learn about other cultures and communities. I will be eating too much chocolate, because I've spent March not eating it!**


	9. Chapter 8

**Author Notes** **: Thanks for everything - as always. I hope you're enjoying the Easter weekend, whether you 'celebrate' or not. I thought you could all use a lighter chapter and I've finally been able to deliver. I hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

Toby lay on his stomach on the long, thick grass, his elbows dug into the earth. He made soft whispery sounds as Jane approached. She got down on her stomach and mirrored his position. It probably wasn't the right way to return home after what happened, but all she needed in that moment was to see her son smile.

"Whatcha doing?" she asked.

He looked up, his eyes fixed on hers as his lips tugged at the corners. He showed off his teeth and Jane smiled in return. He ran a finger through the grass.

"Talking to the bugs."

"Oh really?" Jane asked, looking into the space between each piece of grass. "What are the bugs saying?"

"I don't know yet, they talk really quiet and I can't hear them when you talk to me."

Jane pushed down the desire to laugh and nodded her head. She lowered her voice. "I'm sorry."

He growled briefly until she stopped talking and together they listened. Toby continued to whisper into the grass, his voice barely audible in the quiet afternoon sun. The ground was cold and Jane wished she'd brought a jacket. Going back inside to get one was not an option, so she sucked it up and listened to Toby's soft words.

"Come see me bugs, don't worry, I won't hurt you. Mama won't hurt you too, she's big but she's really nice. Except when I don't go to sleep when I'm told to. Then she gets grumpy. Mommy isn't here to say hello 'cause she has to look after Maggie, that's my baby sister. She cries a lot and I don't think Mama likes it when she cries, but I think she's okay. Mommy says she'll get big one day and we can play together then. She's too little now."

Her brow creased. Jane clenched her jaw. She couldn't blame Toby for his observations. He didn't understand the world the way she had come to. But he was more observant than she'd ever given him credit for.

"Mama's sorry for being extra grumpy," Jane said, once Toby stopped talking. "She wants to meet you too, bugs."

Toby smiled and lowered his ear to the ground. Jane copied him, and even though it felt like a piece of grass was going to make her eardrum itch for a week, she stayed still and listened.

"I think I hear them," Toby said, lifting his face back to Jane's. "I think they said it's nice to meet us. It's nice to meet you too, bugs."

After searching the grass again, no bugs surfaced and Toby sat up and crossed his legs. Jane followed and repeated his actions. She watched him as he watched her and they silently fell into a staring contest.

"I think they're shy, so they want to stay underground. Maybe they will want to come and see us next time."

"Maybe," Jane said, resting her elbows on her knees.

"Maybe," Toby said, copying her.

"Wanna play baseball?" Jane asked. Toby said nothing. "How about we get ice cream?"

Once again, Toby merely stared back at her until eventually Jane blinked and she threw her arms in the air in mock frustration. She wrapped her hands around Toby's waist and pulled him to his feet.

"What do you say, wanna toss a ball?"

"Yes, please," he said, running towards the shed where they kept their equipment.

She gripped the ball in her hand and tossed it up into the air, catching it from all different angles. Toby watched, his eyes wide. He slipped the baseball mitt over his hand and held it up for Jane to see.

"Are you ready?" Jane asked, he nodded. She reached her arm forwards and Toby reacted, but Jane still held the ball in her hand. He giggled and got ready again. She tossed the ball across the garden and he reached for it. The ball landed on his mitt, but his grip wasn't fast enough and it tumbled onto the floor. "Toss it back, let's try again."

He threw the ball into the air and it landed a foot in front of Jane. She was all set to praise his catch when Maura caught her eye. She stood on the paved area at the far end of the garden, her hands on her hips. Jane lowered her head and reached down for the ball.

"Throw it Mama," Toby shouted.

"Go ahead," Maura said, walking across the garden. Jane followed their request and tossed the ball back across to Toby, who caught it in his mitt. "Well done!"

Jane ran forwards and picked Toby up again, before spinning him around. Maura stepped up beside her and reached for him when she placed him on the ground.

"You're getting really good," Maura said.

"You saw, Mommy?" Toby asked.

"I did, before you know it you'll be good enough for Little League." Maura picked the ball up from the floor where it landed after Jane picked up Toby and handed it to him. "Why don't you practice catching whilst I talk with Mama?"

"No, Mommy," Jane said, her tone light before the strain became evident. "Please, can we just have some fun?"

"Okay," Maura said, she turned to Toby. "How about I try throwing you the ball?"

Toby glanced at Jane, his eyebrows creased together. Jane mirrored his expression and Maura sighed.

"I am not that bad."

"Err, yes, you are," Jane said.

"I'm not that bad, am I Toby?" she tried again. Toby kicked at the grass. "I still want a go."

"Give the ball to Mommy," Jane said.

He handed the ball over and Jane positioned herself behind Toby, ready to catch the ball as it would inevitably go out of play. Toby moved his feet until his position was right. Jane gave a slight nod to Maura. She tossed the ball into the air and Jane watched its path. She scooped Toby up and carried him towards the ball's downward fall. He reached his hand out and caught the ball mid-air.

"Throw it again, Mommy," Toby said as his feet landed back on the ground. "I wanna fly like a birdie."

Jane retrieved the ball and carried it over to Maura. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Maura took the ball and placed her feet shoulder width apart. She wiggled her butt behind her and tossed the ball into her other hand. Toby and Jane started giggling as Maura pulled her arm back in caricature motion, once again the ball flew out of play. Jane picked Toby up and carried him towards the ball until he caught it once more in his mitt.

"Yay!" Jane shouted, and ran across the garden with him still in her arms. He held his arms out at his sides, the ball and mitt fell to the ground and Jane carried him around.

"I'm flying," he screamed.

When they reached Maura, Jane slowed and Toby wrapped his arms around her neck. Maura wrapped her own around his middle and Jane reached around the both of them. Maybe everything would be okay, if they could carry on like that, maybe Jane could find a way past it and they could be a family again.

x

A cold draft moved through the air, chilling Maura's face as she lay in the dark. Maggie cried beside her. She ran her hands across her chilled arms and climbed out from the warmth of her bed sheets into the cold room. The bed beside her was empty. She cradled the baby and carried her back into the warmth of her bed where she proceeded to feed her. Once she'd calmed and gone back to sleep, another wave of cold reached Maura. She walked to the window but it was closed, then she proceeded to check the rest of the windows on the second floor.

"Jane?"

She sneaked down the stairs in search of her wife; her absence being the only explanation she could find for the draft. She flicked the switch on a lamp beside the couch. The back door was ajar. She grabbed a jacket and slipped it over her shoulders.

"Jane, where are you?" she whispered as she walked out into the night.

The moon shone high in the sky, not quite full, but full enough to light up the entire street. She stepped across the concrete walkway and into the garden. An overwhelming sense of worry filled her.

Jane lay on the grass, staring up at the night's sky.

"What are you doing, Jane?" she asked, worry etched across her features. She placed one foot on the grass, then another, until she stood over Jane. "It's freezing. Why are you out here?"

"I couldn't sleep," Jane said. "Isn't it beautiful?"

"It's cold."

"Can't really see the stars tonight," Jane said. "But the moon is like a massive light bulb."

"There's another couple of days before its full."

Maura got down on her knees and lay beside her. She stared up at the bright sky and tried to see what Jane was seeing.

"Are you okay?" Maura asked.

"Yeah," Jane said, her eyes fixed above.

"It's cold. We should really go back inside before you get sick."

"I'm fine, Maura."

"You've said that a lot today."

"Technically, I said it a lot yesterday."

"I'm worried."

"Don't be."

"I know you, Jane," Maura said, running a hand across the grass and placing it over Jane's. She turned her hand and gripped Maura's between them. "I know when something isn't quite right."

"You also know that I deal with things on my own."

"I wish you wouldn't."

"Why change a habit of a lifetime?" Jane asked. "I'm fine. Let's just leave it at that."

"Saying that doesn't make me worry any less."

"I need you to step back," Jane said, twisting round onto her side and using her hand as a pillow. "I love that you're worried, but I need you to stop doing this. Stop mothering me. I have one, I don't need another. I need a wife."

"I thought that's what I was being."

"You are, but I need you to stop hovering."

"Okay." Maura turned onto her side, their hands still interlinked between them. "Will we ever get through this?"

"Why wouldn't we?"

"Because I'm mad at you, and you won't talk to me, and we have a new baby who needs us."

"You're doing amazing," Jane said, lifting their hands up. She pressed her lips to the back of Maura's hand.

"Is it because of Amelia?" Maura asked.

Jane dropped their hands to her side and rolled onto her back. "I thought we were going to drop it."

"We are, we will."

"I'm fine. Please, Maura."

"Okay." She rolled onto her back and gave in. "Okay."

x

The glass topped desk, leather chairs and state of the art computers were the first thing Jane registered when she entered the room. The five years that had passed since she left Boston Police Department wasn't much. Still knowing people who worked there gave her all the information she needed to deduce that the FBI had more spent on their workspace in the last five years than BPD had in decades.

"Detective Rizzoli, I'm Agent Stephan Pierce."

He held a hand out towards her and she took it. His firm grip and steely glare matched with the FBI personas she'd come across on several occasions.

"It's just plain old Jane Rizzoli now, I guess," Jane said. "I quit the force a few years back."

"Agent Dean filled me in," Pierce said.

He motioned to a seat opposite and sat down in his own. Jane took it, though she stayed firmly on the edge. She didn't want to get too comfortable in their fancy office. She had a job to do and she intended to do it, then go back to her otherwise boring life.

"What's the plan?" she asked, folding her hands onto her lap.

"We'll get you in in the next few days. We need you to do a physical, so we know what to expect in terms of supporting you. Depending on the results we may get you a personal trainer. We also need you to do a gun skill test."

"I've been keeping up with my skills," Jane said. "I keep a gun at home."

"Then you'll have no problems."

"Dean didn't tell me much about the case."

"We're currently doing surveillance on two undercover detectives," he said, picking up a pen. He flipped through his case file and chewed on the end of the plastic. "They're working out of Boston PD's organised crime division. Our own Agents have been working on a similar case, high profile traffickers who have links to potential terrorists. We found a link between our suspects and the case the BPD detectives are working on."

"But you think one of them's a crook?"

"That's right." He turned the pen over in his hand. "I'll be square with you, Rizzoli. We've done some background checks on the detectives. There's a reason we requested you."

"I thought it was because of Dean?"

"Nah," he said. "It's been a long time since he's done any work round here, but we knew he'd done some work with you. So we put out some feelers, checked to see if he knew anyone, and he suggested you."

"Why me?"

"One of the detectives, we have reason to believe that she's your daughter."

"Ashley?" Jane sat back in the chair, her eyes fixed on Agent Pierce. "What do she have to do with any of this?"

"That's a good question, Rizzoli," he said. "Up til now we've hedged our bets on her partner working alone."

"Her partner _is_ working alone," Jane said. She gripped the arms of the chair, her jaw ached as she ground her teeth together.

"Like I said, that's what we thought. New information says that may not be the case."

"What are you talking about? Ashley is a good detective."

"No doubt, but your daughter's personal relationship with her partner suggest the lines are blurred."

Jane opened her mouth to protest when he slipped a couple of photos towards her. She averted her eyes as Ashley's near naked body was laid out for the world to see in one photo. Her lips were tangled up with an older man's. She didn't recognise him.

"This must be some kind of mistake," Jane said. "Ashley's not your leak."

"Maybe," Pierce said. "But while she has a personal relationship with him, we cannot rule anything out."

"So, I'm here cause of Ashley?"

He tilted his head to one side, and turned up his lips. "Your relationship with her doesn't hurt. What better undercover detective to go in and find out the truth than one of our main suspects mother's?"

"Is that even legal?"

He shrugged. "We're talking national security here, Rizzoli. Your daughter is in a relationship with someone who is potentially passing dangerous information between us, the guys we're watching, the guys BPD are watching and BPD officers. This has led to several foiled attempts to catch these guys. It also led to the death of one of our most decorated agents."

"I'm sorry."

"Thank you," he said. "You being her mother will help with your cover."

"You want me to just…be her mother?"

"Exactly." He pushed a form across to her, pointing to the line at the bottom and handed her a pen. "So, what do you say? Will you help us out?"


	10. Chapter 9

**Author Notes** **: Thanks everyone for your continued support in writing this story. Some of the comments have been so lovely, though I appreciate them all. I hope you've all had a pleasant weekend and are ready to get back to work/school/whatever else. I have one more day off before I go back to work so hopefully I can get another chapter up tomorrow, though no promises.**

* * *

Seven days of gruelling hard work pushed Jane to her very limits. She had remained active both by parenting Toby and because she liked to keep fit and healthy. The lack of physical activity at work pushed her into a semi-regular gym routine. But that still didn't quite prepare her for the difficult week of personal training the FBI put her under. She relished the challenge and despite the few reasons why her physical abilities were more limited, not being eighteen anymore being one of them, she still went at it with as much effort.

"You're on fire, Rizzoli," Pierce said from the side lines.

Jane gave him a smile as she slammed her fist against the punch bag. Over and over, one-two, one-two, she kept pummelling the bag until her heart raced and she could barely breath. She ripped off a glove and tossed it on the floor. She supped on her water bottle before pouring a little over her head.

"Careful," Pierce said, licking his lips. "You're gonna make the guys drools."

She rolled her eyes and punched him on the shoulder. "You can start by cleaning the drool off your chin. Then you can tell the other guys that I'll stick a knee in their balls if they look at me like that."

Pierce grinned. "That's what I like to see. The other kind of fire."

"I mean it," Jane said. "I ain't no piece of meat. I can run with the big boys and I'm not afraid of a fight."

"I didn't think you would be." Pierce placed a hand between her shoulders and guided her towards a couple of chairs. "Dean talked very highly of you. He said you two used to hook up."

"Something like that," Jane said, swallowing a mouthful of water.

"I think it passed him by that you're married to a woman."

"I didn't exactly send save the date cards to my ex-boyfriends," Jane said. She sat down, her elbows perched on her knees. She slowed her breathing down. "Are we gonna talk personal life or are you gonna tell me what you're doing here? I haven't seen you work out since I arrived."

"The perks of sitting behind a desk," Pierce said, patting his stomach as he perched on the chair beside her. "We're ready to put you in."

"When?"

"Tomorrow. You ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be. Still not too happy that we're not telling Ashley about this."

"We don't know she can be trusted."

"I told you," Jane gritted her teeth.

Pierce shrugged. "We're not you, Rizzoli. She checks out, but we can't be too careful."

"So, I'm supposed to pretend I'm just there to see her, because that won't make her more suspicious."

"Stick with the plan. If your kid is as good as her superiors say she is, she'll understand what's happening without you needing to tell her the full story. When you get in, send the message we talked about and play the doting mother."

x

Maggie stared up at Maura from the mat, her eyes wide with curiosity. Maura leant down and moved a sprig of rosemary under her nose. Her eyes squinted then her face lit up. She did it again, her lips curved at the edges as Maggie reacted positively.

"Do you like that?" Maura asked, running a hand across her stomach. She placed the rosemary back into a plastic container and pulled out another item. She moved it across Maggie's nose. "How about vanilla?"

"My little one hated those. Took him a couple of months to like anything other than Mommy's boobies."

A woman beside her clutched her toddler's hands and helped him walk a few steps. Maura scooped Maggie into her arms and turned to face them.

"I try to fill the house with lots of smells," Maura said. "Rosemary has always been my favourite."

"Oopsie daisy," the woman said as her son dropped to his knees. "She's beautiful."

"Thank you," Maura said. "Your son is very handsome."

"I wish I could take credit for that," she said.

Maura smiled and placed Maggie back onto one of the mats in front of her. "Does he look like his dad?"

"No," she said. "I don't think. Will's adopted."

"Oh, well, congratulations." Maura clapped her hands together and watched as Maggie's eyes followed the sound. "I can't take any credit either. I carried her but my wife and I used her egg, and a donor."

"You're gay?"

"Err," Maura hesitated. "I've never really labelled myself, but I am in a homosexual relationship."

"Join the club." The woman held her hand out to Maura. "I'm Chrissy, it's so lovely to meet another family with two moms."

Maura glanced around the room at the women and their babies. She'd said hello to a couple of them when she arrived but they hadn't gotten far into their lives. She smiled at Chrissy and shook her hand.

"Maura. Likewise."

"Is she your first?"

"No, I have a son, he's five and a step-daughter, who's twenty-seven."

"That's quite an age gap," Chrissy said, wrapping her hands around Will's stomach and lifting him into her lap. "You said I…does your son pre-date your marriage?"

"No, _yes_ ," Maura smiled. "It's complicated. Jane's his mother too. He's _our_ son. But we weren't together when we was born. His dad lives in China so he rarely sees him."

"I see." She took Will's hands and clapped them together. "Can you clap?"

The little boy kept moving his hands together even after Chrissy took her own hands away and Maura clapped along with him.

"You do not look old enough to have a grown up daughter."

"I don't feel it, either. My wife was very young when Ashley was born." Maura paused. "Do you have any more?"

"Two step-children," Chrissy said. "They're eleven and fourteen. I'm married to their mom, but their other mother died when they were toddlers. I've known them for most of their lives."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Chrissy said. "It was a long time ago. We're a family."

A loud drum sounded across the room. Maura picked Maggie back up and turned towards the woman banging it. Chrissy twisted in her spot.

"Ladies, babies," the woman said. "Thank you all for coming. Don't forget that we have a mother's only lunch next Tuesday, so find a sitter and come chat over coffee and bagels. Otherwise, we'll see you the same time next week."

She banged the drum a couple more times, then the women and children got up and started to pack away the equipment they'd been using. Maura tucked Maggie into the crook of her arm and picked up the boxes.

"I'll get them," Chrissy said, taking them from her.

"Thank you," she said, lifting Maggie onto her shoulder.

"It's been lovely talking to you," Chrissy said. "It was so great to meet you."

"And you," Maura said. "I'll see you two next week?"

"Definitely."

"Bye Will," Maura said, waving her hand at him. He stared back then lifted his hand in front of him.

x

"I am exhausted," Jane said, collapsing onto the couch. She turned to Maura and reached for her hand, interlinking their fingers. "I missed you."

"I think Toby misses you too," Maura said. "He refused to go to bed because you weren't home. But when I went to check on him he was well away."

"Between the training the FBI is making me do and keeping up with that kid, I'm glad I don't have to be a full time cop anymore."

"I miss you," Maura said. "We've been home together for the last couple of months. I can't remember the last time we spent so much time in the same place."

"I thought you still hated me," Jane said, with a half smile.

"I can love you and be mad at you at the same time."

Jane lifted Maura's hand up against her chest and smiled at her. She leaned in and brushed her lips against Maura's. "I don't deserve you."

"There's leftover bolognese," Maura said.

Jane dropped Maura's hand, a smirk spread across her face, she stared up at Maura jovially. "I definitely don't deserve you. I won't say no to you feeding me."

" _I'm_ heating it up then?" Maura asked.

"Please," she said.

She untangled herself from Jane's grip and walked across to the kitchen. "I don't mind."

"How has your day been?" Jane asked, following Maura across the kitchen. She opened the fridge and sliced up pieces of cheese. "You had the parent and baby group?"

"It was good," Maura said, pouring water into the pan and heating up some spaghetti. "Everyone seems lovely. I wish you could have come. Some of the mothers were very…cliquey."

"Cliquey?" Jane raised an eyebrow. "Are they in high school?"

"It felt like they'd known each other a lot longer. Some of the children are nearly two."

Jane bagged up the rest of the cheese and placed the knife in the sink. "Was anyone nice to you or will I have to come down there and steal their lunch money?"

"I met a woman called Chrissy, she's married to a woman too."

"Lesbians," Jane said, her voice high pitched with a hint of sing song.

" _She was lovely_ , Jane."

"I'm sure she was. But you know what happened with the last lesbian couple we met."

"That was nothing to do with them being lesbians."

"No?" Jane asked. "The butch one propositioned me in the bathroom at the bar. They wanted us to go home and swap partners."

"Could have happened if they were a straight couple," Maura said, turning the bolognese on to heat up. "Jennifer and Micky are great; you've always liked _them_."

"Yeah, that's because they're not as gay as some lesbians are."

Maura raised an eyebrow. She stirred the bolognese. "You're on the verge of offending every lesbian woman in the world."

"There are no lesbian women in this room except me, Maura," she said, nibbling on a slice of cheese. "You don't see me cutting my hair and wearing plaid."

"I will admit that the last time we went to a lesbian bar there was a lot of plaid and short hair, but that doesn't mean everyone fits into the stereotype."

"How long is whatshernames hair?"

"Chrissy?" Jane nodded. "Shoulder length."

"Oh."

Maura filled the bowl with spaghetti and sauce then placed it in front of Jane. She sprinkled the cheese on top and started eating it.

"Thank you, Maura. You make bolognese better than my mother, but don't tell her that."

"Jane?"

"Yes."

"If someone asked you if I was gay, what would you say?"

"I'd tell them to mind their goddamn business," she said, wiping sauce from the edge of her mouth.

"Why?"

She shrugged. "You're not gay."

"Then what am I?"

The crease of Jane's brow deepened. "Why does it matter what you are?"

"I don't believe it does, but Chrissy thought I was gay and I realised I've never really put a label on it."

Jane reached an arm out and Maura stepped into it. She pulled her into a side hug, her other hand still wrapped around her fork. Maura wrapped her arms around her.

"You've never needed a label. You're _Maura_. You're a sexual being who loves to increase her immunoglobulin A and isn't afraid to fall in love with someone because of who they are not what's in their panties."

"You're the only woman I've ever been with," Maura said.

"And _you're_ the only woman _I've_ ever been with," Jane said, loosening her grip on Maura so that she could have another bite of spaghetti. "This is _so_ good."

Maura took a step back. "Yet you identify as a lesbian."

"That's because I tried to deny what I felt all the way back in high school. You just love people."

"Not as much as I love you," she said, pushing the spaghetti away.

"I go undercover tomorrow."

Jane reached out for her fork but Maura pushed it out of reach. She closed the gap again and ran her tongue across Jane's bottom lip, her fingers danced circles across the back of Jane's neck. She captured Jane's mouth with her own, her tongue moulding against Jane's.

"I'm hungry," Jane said, stepping back.

She reached out for the bowl but Maura pressed a hand on her chest. "Me too."

"Did you hear me say I go undercover tomorrow?"

"More reason to enjoy ourselves tonight."

She raised an eyebrow, her eyes fixed on Maura's. "It's still too soon. You need to wait for the doctor's appointment."

"That doesn't mean we can't have a little fun," Maura said, pressing her lips to Jane's earlobe. She nibbled gently on her skin and blew against her cheek. She opened her mouth and whispered softly. "I want you for dessert."

Jane chewed on her bottom lip. "I don't deserve this, you said it yourself."

"Sometimes you remind me why I love you as much as I do, and I am so hot right now I don't care what you did. I just need you."

Jane slipped her hand into Maura's and tugged her towards the couch. They sat down, their lips pressed together, their hands moved across every inch of uncovered skin.

"Let's just," Maura said, her breathing laboured as she lifted Jane's shirt upwards until she raised her arms and Maura removed it entirely.

She trailed her lips across her shoulder blades, down between her bra covered breasts and licked and nibbled at her skin. Jane pushed against her. Maura pushed back. Jane lay down on the couch as Maura trailed her lips down to her stomach. Her mouth lingered around the belly button. Maura reached down and unzipped Jane's slacks, dragging them down her legs until Jane could kick them away. She sat up and discarded her dress, running her bare legs across Jane's naked body.

"This isn't fair on you," Jane whispered, wrapping her hands around Maura's face.

Her mouth opened and closed against Maura's chin as fingers reached into her panties. She slipped her hands down by her sides, fighting to push the fabric from her body. Maura trailed her soft lips along her stomach and down further. Jane wrapped her fingers around Maura's hair, pulling her closer as she thrust herself up to meet her.

* * *

 **Author Notes : Well...I hope you liked it...I wasn't entirely expecting it to go that way, but what can you do? Stories tend to write themselves after a while.**


	11. Chapter 10

**Author Notes** **: Thanks for the comments, etc. Whilst I write for myself and enjoy the stories regardless of whether anyone else is reading them, it's always lovely to know what you think. I probably won't be updating tomorrow because I have a family meal to go to, but should be able to get another chapter up before the end of the work. Now that the long weekend's out of the way it's back to the daily grind. I kind of wish I got public transport to work again, driving makes it harder to write on the go. (Impossible, really.)**

* * *

The window slammed shut. Jane sped across the room and locked it. The baby screamed in the corner and Toby ran into the room. He wrapped his arms tightly around Jane's middle and she ran a hand across the back of his head. Maura scooped the baby into her arms and rocked her back and forth. She was going to miss her. It was only a couple of nights, and then she'd be able to come home again. But her heart ached with the idea of Jane not being there.

"It's the worst night to be going undercover," Jane said. She sat down on the bed and Toby climbed onto her lap.

Maura sat beside her. She wrapped an arm around Jane's and rested her head against her shoulder. She cradled the baby in her other arm. The challenges they'd faced over the last few years made the moment all the more significant. She was _lucky_. She had a beautiful family who she loved dearly, and despite Jane's need for the occasional adrenaline hit, their lives had never really been better.

"Time for bed," Jane said, pulling Toby onto her back and carrying him out of the bedroom.

Maura placed Maggie back into the Moses basket. She rested a hand on her chest and watched it rise and fall, waiting for Jane to return. Her hands wrapped around Maura's shoulders and she turned into her embrace. She pressed her lips to Jane's and pulled in for a passionate embrace.

"Don't get hurt," she said, into the kiss.

"I can change my mind," Jane said, trailing the back of her fingers across Maura's cheek. "I don't have to go."

"Yes, you do," Maura said. She rested her forehead against Jane's, their breath falling into the same space. "You need this, you want this."

"I'm going to miss you." Jane cupped Maura's cheeks and trailed her lips across her face, until they moulded with Maura's. Her soft lips captured hers for the briefest moment. "What I said last night, I mean it. I don't deserve you."

"Let me be the judge of that."

Jane slipped her hands around Maura's buttocks, and lifted her up into the air. She carried her across to the bed and lay her down, peppering her collarbone with gentle kisses. She rolled onto her back, leaving Maura breathless beside her.

"When I get home, when it's all over, things are going to change."

"How so?" Maura asked.

She leaned over Maura. "I want something to keep me busy. I've loved being home with Toby, but I'm not sure I want to do another five years of it."

"What do you want to do?" Maura asked.

"I was thinking of going back to school," Jane said. "But they refused me a loan on account of the fact I have no income."

"You don't need a loan," Maura said. "We have the money."

"No," Jane said, sitting up. "I can't ask you for money."

Maura lifted herself up, her hands out behind her. "It's _our_ money, Jane."

"Money that _you_ earned."

"Why is this suddenly a problem for you? I've been our sole earner for the last five years."

"I don't know," Jane said. "Before I was looking after Toby, I was contributing in other ways. Now…maybe it's because they refused to give _me_ money to go to college."

"Did you tell them about my finances?"

"No, it's _my_ loan."

"If it's what you want to do, I can release some money I have tied up in investments."

" _No_."

"We don't have to talk about this now," Maura said.

She picked up Jane's hand and linked her fingers through Jane's. Jane tightened her grip around Maura's and lowered their hands to the bed. Maura didn't want their last few moments together to be laced with negativity. So much of their lives had been caught up in that way for some time and she just wanted it to be over. They deserved to finally be happy, truly happy, without everything else having an impact.

"What am I going to do when I wake up in the night?" Maura asked, leaning in close.

She loved to kiss Jane, her lips fit against hers like they were made to go together. She tilted her head to the side and brushed Jane's mouth with her lips, desperate to feel her close again.

"You've got the number I've been assigned," Jane said, breaking the kiss only to speak.

Maura nibbled on Jane's bottom lip. "Rule number one, don't say anything about anything. Rule number two, don't mention any place. Rule number three, try not to tell your wife how much you want to sleep with her when she's across town."

"Something like that," Jane said, running a hand through Maura's hair. She filled the space with her mouth, her lips danced across Maura's neck and she lay back down. Jane followed, her knee pressed firmly between her legs. After a few moments, Jane sat up. "I should go."

"It's just two nights," Maura said, sitting up. Jane pulled her face in close and placed a brief, lingering kiss on her lips. Maura's mouth moved forwards, involuntarily following as Jane pulled away again. "Two nights and you'll be able to come home."

"Two nights," Jane said, cupping Maura's cheek. "I love you."

"I love you too," Maura said. Jane picked up her bag and exited the room. Maura threw herself back onto the bed, her fingers trailed across her bottom lip, following the path Jane's mouth took a few moments before.

x

"Surprise!" Jane wrapped her arms around Ashley's shoulders, ignoring the stunned expression on her face. She rested her mouth against her ear and whispered. "Play along."

She dropped the small holdall she'd brought with her on the floor by the door and moved past Ashley into the apartment. She glanced into the bathroom on her way along the small entrance corridor, until it opened out into an open plan living area. An older man, older than Jane had realised, sat on the couch with his bare feet resting on the table.

"Who's this baby?" she asked, turning to Ashley.

"Mom, this is Chaz Rosetino, my friend and roommate. Chaz this is my mom."

"Nice to meet you," he said, lowering his feet and standing up. He reached a hand out across the coffee table and Jane moved to shake it.

"Nice to meet you, too," Jane said. "Gina Capello."

He looked to Ashley, his eyes wide. "You didn't tell me your mom was coming."

"That's because, I didn't know…" Ashley's voice trailed off, she glanced at Jane for some sign of approval. She smiled her affirmation that she had said the right thing.

"You know me," Jane said, throwing herself down on the couch beside Chaz. "Act first think later; I don't plan I just go go go."

"Always been the same," Ashley said, forging a smile.

"I was sick of Philadelphia, they're the same these big cities, all smoke and mirrors. Thought I'd come try Boston for a while, if you don't mind having me."

"Not at all, Mom," Ashley said, her face still lit up with the phony expression.

Chaz cleared his throat and headed towards the door to the bedrooms. He signalled for Ashley to follow. Jane lowered the volume on the television and focused on the conversation unfolding in the other room.

"What the fuck, Ash?" he said, pushing the door until it sat barely an inch open.

"I didn't know she'd come," Ashley replied.

"She shouldn't be here at all. Why did you give her the address? What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing is wrong with me," Ashley said, her voice shaking every so slightly. Jane clenched her fist, and resisted the urge to want to go in there and punch him on the nose. "She likes to know I'm doing okay, so I told her where I'd be. She rarely comes to see me and she usually calls when she's on her way. She never surprises me."

"You need to get rid of her."

"I can't," she said. "She's my mother. She probably split up with her latest boyfriend. She'll stay for a couple days then move on. That's what she usually does."

Jane rolled her eyes, her lips curved at the edges. The adlib from Ashley was top notch and she couldn't be prouder. She sat back against the couch and sent a brief message confirming her arrival to Pierce. Their voices were raised just enough for her to still hear them.

"We can trust her, Chaz."

"You better hope we can, or I'll have to report this to BPD. Your career could be on the line."

"Don't do that, please," she said, her voice high pitched. "She's ashamed of me being a cop. I need you to let me handle her."

"Don't screw this up," Chaz said. His voice grew louder as the door opened again.

Jane turned the volume back up until it was extra loud. She moved a finger round by her ear. "I think I'm going a bit deaf in one ear."

"I'm going to bed," he said. "Got an early start in the morning. We have spare sheets, you'll have to stay on the couch."

She turned off the television. Ashley re-entered the room and Jane pulled her into another hug. "My baby girl, I missed you. Why don't you ever visit anymore?"

"I've been busy, Mom, my job takes up a lot of my time."

They sat down side by side. Chaz retrieved some sheets from the other room and poured himself a glass of water. Then he disappeared into one of the bedrooms and closed the door behind him.

"Wanna go for a walk?" Ashley asked.

"It's pretty bad out," Jane said.

"We could just go downstairs and stand in the doorway. I figured you'd probably want a smoke by now."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "Oh, sure, I've been gagging for one all night."

She followed Ashley out into the hallway and down the three flights of stairs to the back entrance. She braced herself for the conversation that was about to begin. When Ashley continued on down past the first floor and pushed open the door to the basement storage units. Jane followed her right up until they stopped at the far end. The room was dimly lit, and a little spooky.

"What is going on? I didn't tell you what I was working on, I didn't tell you where I was. How did you know where to find me, and more importantly, why?"

Jane cleared her throat and placed a hand on Ashley's shoulder. "Look, I can't tell you anything. I'm sworn to secrecy."

"Bullshit."

"Language," Jane said, though she knew how ridiculous it sounded. "I'm not allowed."

"Are you undercover?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I can't answer that." Jane sighed. "You're just going to have to trust that I know what I'm doing. You need to play along. I'm going to stay for two nights, and then I'll book myself into a motel on the other side of town."

"If you can't tell me then maybe my boss can," Ashley said, pulling her cell phone out of her pocket.

Jane snatched the phone out of her hand. "Don't."

"Give me a good reason why not."

"Because I'm on an assignment with the FBI, and if you go running to BPD you'll put both our necks on the line. You need to trust me." She handed Ashley her phone and walked back towards the door. "This conversation's over. We need to go back into the apartment and go to bed."

"But Mom," Ashley tried again. Jane cut her off.

"Don't but Mom me," Jane said, turning to face her. "Or I'll ask you what the hell you think you're doing screwing around with your partner."

Ashley stopped in the doorway. "You know? Did Maura tell you?"

"Maura knew?" Jane asked. Ashley shrugged. "The FBI know a lot of things you don't."

They returned to the apartment, and as Jane suggested, they both went to bed. She hadn't realised how tired she really was until her head hit the pillow. But before she could drift off her mind travelled back to Maura and her home. She missed their expensive mattress. She missed Toby. Her phone buzzed on the coffee table.

'Miss you.'

Her lips curved until her smile reached her eyes. She sent a brief message back.

'Miss you too.'

'Wen u comin home?'

Jane laughed. 'Not sure, my kid needs me.'

'Sorry I screwed up. Ur mine. I wont 4get agen.'

The continued text speak was completely unexpected, but it fit perfectly with the charade she was supposed to be playing. The fact it came from Maura only made it more fun.

'U better not. I'll come bak to Phillie soon.'

'Phillies not the same wo u.'

'Gonna sleep now. Hope u hav wet dreams 2nite, sexy.'

'Shuks, now I cant go 2 sleep wo makin me feel better.'

Jane raised an eyebrow, her mind drifted to her home, to her bed, to Maura with her hand in her underwear. Whether she really was doing it or not, the very through brought a smile to Jane's face.

'Down boy.'

She closed her eyes and chewed on her bottom lip. Maybe it wouldn't be so difficult being away from Maura after all. Maybe she could get through the next few days knowing that she could go home and show her wife how much she meant to her.

'Tomor?' Maura messaged.

Jane wrote out a final message and hit sent. She placed her phone back on the table and closed her eyes. Her lips were still curved at the edges as she drifted off to sleep.

'Mayb. Nite x'


	12. Chapter 11

**Author Notes** **: Thanks to everyone who has read, etc. the last chapter. Sorry this one has taken a couple of days to get up. I was out Wednesday, then Thursday I was exhausted, then Friday I was out again and yesterday I was really busy. This is the problem with having a life, haha. I'd love to be able to just sit at home and write all day, every day.**

 **Warning: there are multiple mentions of vomit, sorry!**

* * *

"How long's it been going on?" Jane asked, falling into step beside Ashley.

Ashley turned to her, her eyebrows creased in the middle. "I thought you weren't going to ask."

"How can I not?"

"It's nothing."

Jane wrapped an arm around Ashley's shoulder and pulled her close as they walked. She glanced briefly behind her, at Rosetino, who smiled back.

She lowered her voice further. "Do you know that he's married?"

"Of course I know," Ashley said.

"Before or after?"

"I don't want to talk about this with you."

"Is it over?" Jane loosened her grip and returned to walking beside her. "Tell me it's over."

"It's over."

"Good."

Rosetino paced forwards, pushing his way between Ashley and Jane. He wrapped an arm around each of their shoulders. She squirmed under his touch. The scent of stale cigarette smoke lingered in the air. The thought of his hands all over her daughter made Jane more protective than she ever thought possible.

"Where are we going?" Jane asked. "I'm starving."

"Gotta make a pit stop," Rosetino said.

He dropped his arms and stepped in front of them, marching onwards until they turned a corner and entered a small industrial unit. Jane skimmed across the facilities, taking in everything she could see. A car sat outside a small, brick building. She took her phone from her pocket and absently started messaging Maura.

"What do you think you're doing?" Rosetino asked. He snatched her phone away.

"Give it back," Jane said, snarling. "I was sending a message to my man."

"Yeah?" He raised his eyebrows and glared at her. He searched through the messages on her phone, then tossed it back to her. "Keep your dirty messages to yourself."

She nodded and sent a brief message, containing the license plate, to Pierce, then promptly deleted it. Then she sent another message to Maura.

'Thinkin of u today babe, hope u had a gud night with ur hand.'

Rosetino disappeared into the building. Jane slipped her phone back into her pocket and folded her arms across her chest. She watched Ashley as she kept her focus on everything around her, her eyes danced around like seagulls carefully watching for someone to open up a picnic on a beach.

"Don't let him ruin your career," Jane said. "He's not worth it."

Ashley rolled her eyes. "I know what I'm doing."

"Do you?" Ashley turned away. "Just be careful, you can't always trust people."

After the vibration in Jane's pocket, she retrieved her phone and checked the message she received. Whilst reading it, she kept on eye firmly on Rosetino who had exited the building. He slipped a thick envelope into his back pocket and shook the hand of a man that Jane could only assume was the owner of the car. She smiled at the message.

'Get bk ere, not same wo u.'

"I said keep your dirty fucking messages to yourself," Rosetino said, throwing an arm around Ashley's shoulder.

"Your boyfriend's a fucking asshole," Jane said.

"Your mother's a dirty whore," he replied.

"Chaz," Ashley said, unravelling his arm from her shoulder. "Please don't say that about my mom."

"It's the truth, ain't it?" he asked, glancing at Jane.

She smirked. "I am a dirty whore, but I treat my man with respect. You better treat my kid that way or I'll grate your balls onto my Ma's famous spaghetti."

After breakfast, Jane returned to the apartment while Ashley and Rosetino were busy. She took the time alone to search the apartment for any clues she could find to Rosetino's involvement in the case.

"Hi, Pierce," she said, answering her cell phone. She balanced it between her ear and shoulder as she searched through a drawer. "I can't find anything, the apartment's pretty empty. Did you check the license plate?"

"Nothing new," he said. "The car's registered to Albert Frank. He's already known to the undercover team at the FBI. Don't forget to check inside the cistern."

"Always the last place I look," Jane said. She closed the drawer and walked into the bathroom. She put her phone on loud speaker and balanced it on the closed toilet as she lifted the cistern lid. She glanced into the water – nothing. She replaced the lid and ran a hand around the base. "I think I've got something."

"What is it?"

"Hold your horses," she said, pulling a passport out from the hiding spot. She opened it up. "I think you might want to check out a William Maurice Polk. Either he looks suspiciously like Rosetino or he's dead and being used as fake identification."

"Nice going, Rizzoli."

"I'll keep looking, I'll call you if I find anything."

She taped the passport back under the cistern and ran a hand around the edge of the bath panel. To no avail. She continued her search in the kitchen, but found nothing more.

x

Being a medical examiner for most of her career, Maura had built up a tolerance for unusual and strong scents long ago. The few years since she left her position in favour of forensic psychiatry did nothing to bring her strength to its knees. She ran a hand across Toby's back and held the bowl under his face. His cheeks were stained with tears and vomit, his little hands clutched the bowl like his life depended on it. Once more he spilled his guts into it. Maura placed the bowl on the floor and wiped at his face with a damp cloth.

"You're doing so well," Maura said, lifting him into her arms and cradling him like a baby. He pushed his face against her shoulder, his shoulders shook as he sobbed.

"My tummy hurts."

"I know," Maura said, running a hand across the side of his head. "Try to get some sleep."

"I want Mama," he said, his mouth wet with tears and the cloth Maura wiped once more across his face. She lay him down on the bed beside her and held him close.

"I'll try and call her," Maura said. "But she's really busy with work. She'll be home tomorrow."

He coughed and spluttered. "I want her now."

"I know," Maura said, brushing his tears away. She picked up her cellphone and sat up in the bed. Toby crawled onto her lap and clung to her pyjamas - the third change of clothes she'd made since he started throwing up. There was no response, so she sent a quick message and waited.

Her lapse in attention came at the wrong moment as vomit covered her top, and most of what Toby was wearing. His cries worsened, his face bright red with pale strips of tears attempting to dry on his skin.

"You're okay," Maura whispered, lifting him off the bed and carrying him into the bathroom.

She stood him in the bath and pulled the shower head down. She turned on the water and ran it over him, then she stripped him down and did it once more. She sat him down and replaced the shower head. Then she stripped her own top and retrieved a nightgown from her drawers. She slipped it over her head and placed a pair of shorts on Toby.

"Let's get you to bed," she said. He wrapped his arms around her neck and his legs around her waist as she carried him into her bedroom. She lowered him onto the floor. "Let me get the dirty sheets off."

"No!" he screamed, clinging to her neck. She attempt to unravel his hands but to no avail.

"Okay."

Maura scooped him up again and placed him on the other end of the bed. She turned a sodden pillow over and rested it down with the clean side showing, her arms tucked around her son.

A few minutes later and his breathing evened out until he slipped into sleep. Maura stayed beside him, stroking his hair back from his face. He whimpered as he dozed, the tears still flowed down his cheeks.

"Shh," she whispered.

Her cellphone buzzed against the bedside table. Maura untangled herself from Toby's sleep filled body and carried it out into the hallway. She rested the phone against her ear.

"Jane, thank you for calling me back."

"What's wrong?" Jane asked. "You sound exhausted."

"Toby's been vomiting all afternoon. Between him and Maggie all I've done is create laundry. I just hope she doesn't catch whatever bug he's got."

"The poor little guy," Jane said. "Do you know what's wrong?"

"It's probably a bug. There's nothing to suggest otherwise. He really wants you."

"I'm sorry," Jane said, a note of regret in her voice. "I can't leave now."

"I know, I understand." Maura leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor. Her mouth opened involuntarily. She covered it as she yawned. "It's so good to hear your voice."

"You too." Jane paused, a door opened and closed. She stayed silent for a moment. Maura listened, waited, too exhausted to ask her what was going on. "Sorry, nearly got caught."

"You should go."

"I don't want to," Jane said. "But I'll see you tomorrow."

"I love you," Maura said, barely hearing Jane's response as she dropped her hand to the floor.

She crawled across the carpet and through the bedroom door, too tired to stand up. She pulled herself up onto the bed and lay down beside Toby. His eyes were still closed and his face still pink and stained with tears. She counted her blessings and closed her eyes. Just as she drifted off the monitor sprang to life and Maura opened her eyes again. She lifted herself out of bed and went into the nursery to attend to the baby. She could sleep tomorrow.

x

Later that night, Jane lay on the couch, the bed sheets up around her shoulders as she stared out into the darkness. Her phone call with Maura left her wanting to be home. She hated seeing Toby sick, and the thought of Maura dealing with it alone wrenched at her heartstrings. She closed her eyes in the hope the darkness would help her eventually drift off. A door opened across the apartment. She froze. It could be Ashley, but she didn't want to risk moving in case it was Rosetino. When another door opened and closed, Jane gave up the breath she'd been holding. She could hear voices coming from one of the bedrooms.

"She needs to go," Rosetino said.

"She's my mom," Ashley said. "She won't be here for long."

"Frank's suspicious. He doesn't like seeing people he doesn't know. Do you know how long it took to build his trust? It was hard enough bringing you in. We don't need another complication. I placated the guy but if he sees her around there again, he's gonna be looking for someone's ass to beat. I can't protect you if she screws this up for us."

"She's about as useless as a cat and a tin opener." Ashley paused. Jane covered her mouth as laughter threatened to escape. "She won't screw up. I'll find her a motel or something."

"You'd better do."

Silence followed and Jane closed her eyes again. She thought about Maura, hopefully tucked up in bed with Toby. She imagined herself climbing in beside them both and wrapping her arms around her family. The thought tugged at the corners of her mouth. It was quickly replaced by an incessant groan coming from the bedroom. She pulled the pillow tightly around her ears. The last thing she wanted to hear – more so given the situation – was her daughter being pleasured by a man who was not suitable for her. It was made even worse by the knowledge she had about him. It took every ounce of her strength not to barge in there and drag Ashley out. What she wouldn't give to be able to punch him in the face.

A short while later, a guttural sound filled the apartment and it was all over with. A couple of minutes later the bedroom door opened and closed, followed by Ashley's. Jane turned over on the couch, her eyes fixed on the wooden door. All she wanted to do was protect her daughter but she knew the only way she could do that was by continuing with her job.

x

The next morning Maura fell into Jane's arms the second she arrived home. She was exhausted. She'd barely slept the night before. Tears trailed down her cheeks, thankful for Jane's presence. She clung to Jane like Toby had clung to her for most of the night.

"How's Toby?" Jane asked. She ran a hand across Maura's hair and kissed the side of her head. "Hey, it's okay."

She pawed at her cheeks. "He's been asleep for a while."

"Poor little guy."

"I think he's probably got most of it up," Maura said, still tangled up in Jane's arms. "I'm hoping its just twenty-four hours."

"I've missed you." Jane brushed her lips against Maura's. "You should get some sleep. I'll look after Toby."

"Maggie's been down for a while, she'll be up soon." Maura stepped back.

An overwhelming wave of sickness shrouded her and she covered her mouth. She sprinted towards the bathroom where she emptied the contents of her stomach. Jane followed and stood in the doorway. Maura wiped her face, pushing her sodden hair from her cheeks.

"I don't think it was Maggie you needed to worry about," Jane said, pulling her hair back and rubbing her shoulders. Maura sat back on her knees and Jane wrapped her arms around her, forming a chair. Maura closed her eyes and rested herself against Jane. "I don't want to leave you alone like this, but I can't risk getting sick."

"You're leaving?" Maura asked, opening her eyes again.

Jane ran a hand across her forehead. "Not yet, but I'm going to call Ma, see if she can come and help. I'll get her to pick up some formula on the way."

"No formula," Maura said, she groaned, her stomach ached and she felt like she was about to be sick again.

"Just in case you can't express," Jane said, rubbing her back as she bent over the toilet bowl again. "You need to get well, don't worry about a thing. Ma's got an immune system made of steel, the amount of times she nursed all three of us, and Pop, without catching it too."

"That you know of."

Maura clung to the toilet bowl as Jane untangled herself. She longed for her touch again, until her stomach contracted and she was too distracted to notice her absence.

x

Jane closed the bedroom door, leaving Maura tucked up in a nice clean bed with a bowl and a bottle of water. She sneaked back to Toby's bedroom where he continued to sleep in a fresh pair of shorts. She kissed him on the cheek and closed his door too. She piled up the dirty laundry and put on a load. She hoped her mother would arrive soon. She had to get back to work.

The baby monitor sprang to life and Jane stood in the kitchen, frozen on the spot. She stared down at the countertop, her eyes fixed on the pattern. She gasped for breath, her chest ached with every shallow breath.

"Ma's here," Angela shouted as she entered the house. Jane turned around, her voice a distant sound that barely penetrated the bubble surrounding her. "First things first I'll get Maggie, you put the groceries away."

The hand on her shoulder pulled her out. Jane rubbed her eyes. She thought she'd moved past the fog. The last few days were fine. Angela disappeared upstairs and she could hear her talking to Maggie. Jane followed her mother's instructions and emptied the bags she'd carried in. Then she took a bottle of expressed milk from the refrigerator and warmed it up.

"I think Maggie's hungry," Angela said, carrying her down to the kitchen. Once the microwave beeped, Jane checked the milk and handed it over.

"I have to go," she said.

Angela slipped the nib of the bottle into Maggie's mouth, and she began to feed. "I thought you didn't need to leave til two."

"Got a call," Jane said, picking up her cellphone from the counter.

"Alright," Angela said. "I'll see you later. Don't worry, I'll take good care of them."

"I don't doubt it," Jane said, kissing Angela on the cheek before rushing out the door.


	13. Chapter 12

**Author Notes** **: Thank you to everyone who commented on the last chapter - there were some really useful/constructive comments. I hope I have gone some of the way to explain things.**

 **To the person who asked who Maggie's father is - she doesn't have one. Biologically speaking someone donated some sperm. But that's biology. Her parents are Jane and Maura. Her siblings are Ashley and Toby. They are her family.**

 **I nearly didn't get this chapter up tonight. I've been really tired and a little busy with various other things - but because I'm away at the weekend and probably unlikely to update both Saturday and Sunday (I get home Sunday afternoon but I'll probably be tired). But apparently I pushed through it all, even if it is a little shorter than all of the others. I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

Maura perched on the end of Toby's bed reading a bedtime story, part way through she stopped. His eyes were closed as he slept soundly in front of her. She placed the book on the table and flicked off the lamp. She retreated from the darkened room, closed the door and crept across the hallway to the bedroom.

"Finally," Jane said, wrapping her arms around Maura's back and pulling her in close. Maura reached out with her mouth, capturing Jane's lips and forcing her tongue through the gap.

"I estimate we have about four hours before Maggie wakes," Maura said, sitting down on the bed and unbuttoning her shirt.

She was no less exhausted than the week after giving birth, the only difference now was that Jane wasn't there all day to support her. She didn't mind. Had Jane not given up her job a few years ago, she would have had to return to work shortly after the birth anyway. Besides, she'd watched her slowly being driven crazy by the lack of meaningful activity in her every day. Looking after Toby had its own challenges, but she enjoyed the breaks of being able to go to work and think about something else for a short time each day.

"I'd forgotten how tiring it was working," Jane said. "I've been in that crappy motel for over a week. They're talking about getting me an apartment."

"Will you have to stay there all night?" Maura raised an eyebrow. "I like that you creep into bed late and disappear first thing."

"Depends where it's based," Jane said, smirking. She crawled onto the bed behind Maura and lowered her lips to her neck. "I can negotiate."

She looped her fingers around Maura's blouse and pulled it away from her. Maura sank into Jane's fingers as they pressed and prodded her shoulders. She wasn't an expert, but her fingers were like gold dust after a tiring day feeding the baby. When her cold hands travelled around to her breasts, Maura covered them and pressed down against her sore nipples. The gentle movement eased the ache and she rested her head back.

"Stop," Maura said, feeling a fullness. "I should express."

"Not now," Jane said, cupping her face and lowering her head to meet her lips.

Maura pulled away. "It won't take long."

She slipped off her bra and pulled a t-shirt over her head. She could hear Jane following her down into the kitchen. She retrieved the pump and sat down on the couch. Once she'd finished, she placed the bottle in the refrigerator and returned to her spot.

"Want some wine?" Jane asked, as she popped the lid off a bottle of beer. Maura nodded. She handed her a glass and sat down beside her. "I've got a busy couple of days."

"Will you be home?" Maura asked, flicking through the television channels.

"I'll try; it depends on what happens."

Maura placed the remote on the coffee table and sipped on her wine. "Will you be safe?"

"No reason not to be."

"I know, but I worry," Maura said.

Jane leaned her head against Maura's shoulder and slid a hand across her thigh. "I promise you I'll be coming home safe."

The buzzing cell phone pulled them both out of the moment. Maura stood up, Jane's hand dropped to the couch where she'd vacated her spot. She retrieved her phone from the kitchen counter and pressed the call button.

"Hello," she paused, listening to the voice on the other end of the phone. "Slow down. She'll be there as soon as she can."

Jane turned in her seat, Maura hung up the phone and placed it in her bag. She marched across the room, her eyes creased with concern.

"That was Ashley."

"Why is she calling you?" Jane asked, sitting taller.

"She tried you but you didn't pick up." Running her hands across her pockets, Jane glanced towards the staircase. "Something's wrong and you need to go."

"What happened?" Jane asked.

"I was about to ask you the same," Maura said. "Why didn't you tell me your case is involved with Ashley's?"

"It's classified information, Maur," Jane said, standing up. "I wasn't allowed. Did she say what was wrong?"

"No, just that it involved Chaz." Jane's shoulders moved backwards, her eyes narrowed and she stood up taller. Maura kept her eyes fixed on Jane's. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Something's bothering you."

"How long have you known about Ashley and Chaz?"

"Oh."

"Yes, oh. I know that you know. The only thing I don't know is why you didn't tell me."

"She told me just before Maggie was born. She called in the middle of the night and she needed to talk to someone. I wanted to tell you but she was adamant that you couldn't know." Maura rested a hand against the back of the sofa. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah," Jane said, rolling her eyes. She marched towards the staircase.

Maura stood in the lounge and waited. When Jane came down again, she walked straight out the front door without saying a word. Maura sighed. She knew her mistake the moment she made it, and she knew that Jane wouldn't be happy about it when she found out. She just didn't anticipate how bad it would make _her_ feel when she finally did.

x

The Fish Pier parking lot was empty except for the one lonely figure sat on the curb at the far end. Jane pulled up across several parking spaces and shut off the engine. She waited a moment, expecting Ashley to get into the car. She didn't.

"What's going on?" Jane asked, marching a couple of yards across the lot towards Ashley. When she turned, her face was coated in a dark, purple bruise. The skin puffed up directly below her eyes, and she squinted on the one side. "Oh my God."

"I'm fine," Ashley said, brushing her hair over her face.

"You don't look fine," Jane said, lowering herself down beside Ashley. "Why didn't you ask for Maura to come? She could have helped you?"

"I was going to," Ashley said. "Then I remembered what you said."

"Which bit?"

"That I can't trust Chaz."

A chill travelled down Jane's spine. She didn't know if it was the cold night air or the very thought of what her daughter was telling her. "Did he do this?"

"No," Ashley said, shaking her head. An uncomfortable weight shifted from Jane's chest almost as quickly as it had landed. "We went to meet another person he knows. Chaz screwed up. The guy remembered him from when he used to work in Springfield as a rookie. He had to backtrack, try and play the fool, that he'd fallen off the track or something. He tried to punch Chaz and I stupidly got in the way."

"This is not your fault," Jane said, reaching out and cupping Ashley's hand between hers. "What he did was reckless and stupid. He should not have allowed you to be in that position."

"What was he supposed to do?"

"He is the superior officer. He is supposed to protect you. This is your first case."

"It's my fault for getting in the way."

"Why did you?" Jane asked, closing her eyes as she listened for the answer she didn't want to receive.

"I _love_ him."

"No," Jane whispered, shaking her head. She rested her elbows on her knees and continued to shake her head, still clinging to Ashley's hand with one of her own.

"I'm sorry," Ashley said.

"You need to end it, Ash. You need to stop this before it ruins you."

"You keep saying that, and I know I shouldn't be doing it, but I do. I love him. Once this case is over, we're gonna be together."

"Is that what he told you?"

"He's leaving his wife. He promised that he would do it the moment we're home."

Jane took in a deep breath and slowly let it go. She held on tightly to Ashley's hand and lifted it up against her chest. "Please don't do this. I can't tell you what is happening, but he is not the man you think he is."

Ashley shook her head and stood up. She folded her arms across her chest. "I knew you'd be like this."

"I'm trying to protect you," Jane said, standing beside her. "You need to listen to me. If you don't end it with Chaz, you risk going to jail for something I hope to God you're not involved in."

"Then why did they send you?"

"What?"

"Why did they send you? There's hundreds of cops out there who could have done the job. Why you? You've not worked for five years. You're my mother. Why would they send you?"

"I don't know. Maybe they think I can talk some sense into you before you ruin your life."

Ashley's brow creased and she stood frozen to the spot. "They know?"

"They know _everything_ ," Jane said. "You think your undercover operation is only going through BPD? Think again. The Feds know what you two are doing. They know that you like to have sleepovers. The only difference between them and me is that it doesn't make them feel sick to their stomach knowing that you could jeopardise your whole life."

"You keep saying it'll ruin my career. You keep telling me I can't trust him. But if we do our jobs and get the arrest then why does it matter if I'm sleeping with him?"

"Because he's never going to let that happen, Ashley. He's not going to let you win this. The sooner this is over with, the better. The only way that is going to happen is if you trust me, and don't get too close."

"I'm already too close."

"No, you're not. As long as you're following the law, you'll be fine."

"Of course I'm following the law." Her eyes opened wider. "That's what you mean? Chaz _isn't_?"

"I can't confirm that."

"Like hell you can't."

"Do what needs doing to keep him onside, but you use this." Jane pointed to the puffed, purple skin around her eye. "You use it to keep him at arms length until I can find everything I need to sort this out one way or another. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I'm going to take you to the hospital," Jane said.

"No, I have to get back," Ashley replied, turning away.

Jane reached out and gripped her arm. She tried to pull it away but Jane held on tightly. "I won't let his actions cause you to have some sort of secondary bleeding to the brain when I can stop that from ever happening."

"Secondary bleeding to the brain?" Ashley stared at Jane, her eyebrow raised and a smirk spread across her face. She winced as it reached her eyes.

"I know," Jane said, smiling back. "I sound like Maura, don't I?"

She wrapped an arm around Ashley's shoulder and guided her towards the car. She was going to protect her daughter even if it was the last thing she did.

x

"Hey, Frank," Jane said, marching up to the small building in the industrial unit. She stopped a metre from Albert Frank and looked him up and down. The crease between his eyebrows grew as he looked at her in return.

"Do I know you, sweetheart?"

She stepped a little closer and tugged at his collar, smoothing out the material. "No, but I know you. I met your boy Goose over in Roxbury. He said you're a good person to speak to if I wanna get some girls."

"Girls?" Frank shrugged his shoulders. "Dunno what you're talking about."

Jane ran a finger across his cheek and leant in close. She felt sick to the stomach thinking about what she was asking, but she knew it was merely a means to an end. For Ashley. For the girls she would be saving by finishing the job.

"Sure you do, Frankie. I have some high end clients coming in from Russia, they expect the very best."

"Russia?"

"Russia," she repeated. "Can you help a Roxbury girl out?"

He stepped back and shrugged his shoulders again. The creased returned between his eyebrows. "I've seen you somewhere before."

"I was here a couple of days ago with Chaz and the girl."

"Ah," Frank held up a finger. "Now you two must be sisters, or I'm getting too old for this game."

Jane pursed her lips and smiled. "The less I say about my age the better."

"Why'd you talk to Goose? What about Chaz?"

"That punk?" Jane asked, shaking her head. "He's my kid's boyfriend, I don't trust him anymore than you do. You seen that bruise on her face? Rumour says he gave it to her."

Albert Frank wrapped an arm around Jane's shoulder and guided her towards the door. She followed, cautiously optimistic.

"So, tell me about these Russians. Are they the kind of people who can hook me up or is this going to be a one-way transaction?"

"'s far as I know they're looking for someone to trade with, but they wanna have a taste of the pie before they buy it. If you get what I'm saying."

"We might be able to do some business," he said, holding his hand out. "I can't call you sweetheart forever, though."

"You can call me Gi," she said, showing off her toothy grin as she gripped his hand.


	14. Chapter 13

**Author Notes** **: So I didn't expect to be writing another chapter so soon, partly because I was supposed to be going to a meeting tonight, but I cancelled just for you guys. I hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

The alleyway led into darkness. Jane walked slowly along the tarmac, her eyes searching the shadows for any sign of something untoward. She needed to ensure she had an exit should anything go wrong. In the distance the darkness opened up again. A car parked a few yards along. When Jane approached, the car's headlights lit up shrouding them in a dull light. Albert Frank leaned against the car, his hand wrapped around the waist of a woman who looked like she wanted to be somewhere else. Behind him, Rosetino was with Ashley; his hands on her hips, and his mouth pressed against her neck. Jane nodded to the man in the suit she'd brought along with her, he nodded back. They were ready.

"Thought you weren't gonna come," Frank said, pushing the woman away. He stalked forward and slipped an arm around Jane's waist. She allowed his fingers to rest on her lower back. "You know Chaz and Ash. I want you to meet my girl, Ivanka."

She stepped forward. Her long legs meant she stood almost as tall as Jane, her hair was pulled back into a tight bun. She carried the weight of a lifetime on her shoulders but there was something in her eyes that made her look far younger than Jane expected she'd tell her she was.

"This is Mikhail Okulov," Jane said. "He's my friend from Russia. Mikhail, perhaps you'd like to take Ivanka for a walk."

He moved towards her, his wide shoulders and tall frame made him appear bigger. He towered over the young woman.

"No," Frank said, stepping between them. He motioned to Rosetino who still had his lips surgically attached to Ashley's neck. "Get the girl from the car before I shoot someone in the fucking face."

Rosetino pulled himself away. He opened the back door of the car and a young girl stepped out. A lump settled in the back of Jane's throat. She couldn't have been much older than fourteen.

"What is she doing here?" Rosetino shouted, his eyes landed on Jane. He marched up to them, with Ashley's hand wrapped around his upper arm.

"Just leave it, Chaz."

"No, I will not," he said. "What are you doing here Gina?"

"Back down, kid. She's here to see me," Frank said, pointing his finger into Rosetino's clavicle. He forced him back. "Now where were we?"

"She's all yours, Mikhail," Jane said, motioning towards the girl.

He disappeared into the darkness, barely glancing at the teenager as he staggered past. The desperation in her voice hit Jane where it hurt and she almost backed down. She found comfort in the knowledge that tonight she would not be taken advantage of. It would only be a matter of time before Mikhail brought her back in the exact same state she was currently in.

"Entertain yourselves," Frank said, opening the car door and sitting down. Ivanka walked a few yards away from the car in the direction of Mikhail and the young girl, her arms folded across her chest.

"What are you doing, Gina?" Rosetino asked. He wrapped a hand roughly around Jane's arm and dragged her away from the headlights. She kicked him in the shin. He stumbled back screaming in pain. "What the fuck?"

"Touch me again and I'll get Frank to shoot you. The only reason I haven't already is because of Ashley."

He grimaced and rubbed his leg. Jane stepped forward, her leg raised again and he stepped back. She could see the hatred in his eyes and it spurred her on.

"What's wrong, Chaz? Is somebody upset that I know what Frank wants and you don't?"

"Why is your mom even involved in this, Ashley?" he asked, holding his hands up at both sides.

She shrugged. "I don't know what to say. I couldn't tell you the truth."

"I knew you were a dirty whore."

The alleyway filled with flashing blue lights. A siren sounded continuously. Rosetino glanced at Ashley, who glanced at Jane, who glanced at Albert Frank.

"I thought you said we were clear," Frank shouted.

"I'm sorry," Rosetino said. "I didn't know they were coming."

"You fucking asshole, you're a liability."

He started the engine and drove forwards. Jane jumped to one side as Ashley and Rosetino did the same. She turned and searched the darkness for Mikhail and the young girl, but to no avail. She sprinted in the opposite direction.

"Get out of here," she shouted, pushing Ashley down the alleyway away from the police cars.

Feet pounded the pavement behind them but she didn't stop running. She focused all of her attention on getting Ashley out of there.

x

The children were in bed when the doorbell rang. Maura placed her glass of wine down on the coffee table beside the medical journal she'd been reading and opened the door. Chrissy stood on the doorstep, her eyes puffy and her tanned skin a shade of red around the eyes. She stepped to one side and Chrissy took her cue, stepping over the threshold.

"Are you okay?" Maura asked, holding her arms out. She stepped into them, and Maura pulled her arms tightly around her.

She guided her into the house and sat her down on the couch. Maura poured her a glass of wine and handed it over. She took her seat beside her and sipped on her own glass. They sat in silence for a moment. Chrissy downed her glass and reached for the bottle Maura had left on the coffee table.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Lexi-Anne," Chrissy said, lowering her face into her hand. "We've never argued like that before."

"If you'd like to tell me what you were arguing about," Maura began.

Chrissy continued to speak. "I hate her job. She's a firefighter and every night her life is at risk. Every night I'm petrified that she won't come home. But she won't listen to me."

Maura placed a hand on her upper arm and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I don't know what it's like being with a firefighter, but I know what it's like being with a detective. I've watched Jane be injured time and time again."

"How did you cope with it?"

"I stopped worrying," Maura said. "That sounds simplistic. I suppose I became desensitised. I stopped seeing the job, I stopped seeing the danger. Besides, my own career carried its own element of risk."

"I thought you were a medical examiner?" Chrissy asked.

Maura smiled. "I was. Unfortunately, there is more to my past than a career in the medical examiner's officer, and not all of it has been easy."

"I don't know what to do," Chrissy said. "I love her. She's my world. But I don't want to watch Tory and Faith lose another mother to that career. What about Will? He's just a baby. Tory doesn't remember his other mom, I don't want that for Will."

"Have you told Lexi how you feel?"

"I tried, but she just tells me that she'll be fine. It's like she's lost all sense of danger."

She poured herself another glass of wine. Maura took the bottle and topped up her glass before placing it further away. It was too easy to lose yourself in a glass. "Is she home now?"

Chrissy nodded. "Tory and Faith were doing homework, but I know they could hear us. I don't want to live like this anymore."

"What other options are there?" Maura asked.

"I don't know," Chrissy said, running her hands across her face. "I don't want a divorce."

"Yet that's the first thing you mentioned."

"No." Chrissy placed her glass on the table. "No, I don't want to split up. I just don't know how much longer I can handle her working this job."

"You might not want to hear this," Maura said. "But I don't think there's a lot you can do about it. It sounds like Lexi-Anne's career means a lot to her. Besides, if I recall, you told me that you couldn't survive on your part time salary."

"No, we can't."

The baby monitor sprang to life. Maura paused and listened, when there was no sign of Maggie stopping, she stood up. She placed a hand on Chrissy's shoulder as she walked towards towards the kitchen. She retrieved a bottle from the fridge and heated it up.

"I'll be back."

She went upstairs and scooped Maggie out of her crib. She sat down in the rocking chair in the corner of her room and placed the bottle in Maggie's mouth. The baby latched on, suckling rapidly, her mouth moving against her nib. Her small hand reached out and pressed touched the side. Maura rocked back and forth, back and forth, until Maggie's mouth dropped from the bottle and she drifted back off to sleep. Lifting her onto her shoulder, Maura rubbed her back. She burped loudly, then started to cry again. Maura stood up and jiggled her about, continuing to rub her back until she quietened down again. Once Maggie was back sleeping in her crib, Maura returned to the lounge.

The bottle of wine on the table sat empty, both glasses had been finished off. Maura walked back to the couch where Chrissy lay down, her head on a pillow, and her eyes closed. She tilted her head to one side and sighed. Maura wished she could wave a magic wand and make things okay. She cherished her new friendship, but she would rather Chrissy be at home with her family than crying on her sofa. If she was honest, she missed Jane. She only left for work that morning, and wouldn't be back until at least the next day. The absence was certainly making her heart ache. She longed for a simpler time when Jane had given up her career, but then she was quickly reminded of the difficult few years they'd faced.

She switched off the light and went back upstairs. What she wanted to do was call Jane, but she knew it wasn't possible. She was at a vital place in her case and any disruption was one too many. Maura stripped off and climbed into bed. It was still early but she felt an exhaustion right down to her bones. She lay in the dark, staring up at the lights that shone through the top of the curtains. Her mind danced from one thought to another, caught up in an endless cycle of negativity. She forced her thoughts onto her children, but even that was laced with memories she didn't want to carry. The heavy burden sat on her chest as she attempted to drift off, but to no avail.

It was going to be a long night.

x

They didn't stop running til they were a few blocks away, running through an empty industrial unit. The sirens and lights had vanished. Jane could feel her chest ache and the stitch in her side brought her to a standstill. She rested a hand against a brick wall and regained her breath.

"What is going on?" Ashley asked, gasping for breath.

"I told you, I'm going to sort it out," Jane said.

"You didn't tell me we'd have to run from the cops," Ashley said.

Jane stood upright and wrapped an arm around Ashley. She pushed her away and folded her arms across her chest. "Come on, kid."

"No."

"We're fine, the cops aren't after us." She folded her own arms across her chest. "You know the game, we've just gotta play it."

"Why?"

"Why?" Jane repeated. "I am doing my job."

"Remind me what that is again."

"I can't."

"Then we're done here," Ashley said, turning around and walking off through the darkness.

Jane jogged towards her until she fell into step beside her. "Why do you trust him?"

She ignored the question and continued walking back towards the street. A moment later, she stopped in front of Jane. She pawed at her cheek, still various shades of colour. "I can't help it. If I could choose, I wouldn't choose him. I wouldn't choose my partner. I wouldn't choose _a married man_."

"You deserve better," Jane said, reaching a hand out and gripping Ashley's, she squeezed back. Jane lowered her hand and took her cell phone from her pocket, the vibration silently alerting her to a call. "What's happening?"

When she put her phone away, Ashley looked to Jane. "Was that about the cops showing up?"

"They arrested Ivanka and they took the young girl into custody."

"Mikhail," Ashley said. "He wasn't really there to be with her, was he?"

"No," Jane said. "He was always going to bring her back, or take her somewhere safe, depending on how it unfolded."

"If they've arrested Ivanka then Frank's gonna be pissed. She was his house mother. Without her he's got no one to look after the girls."

"Let's hope between us we can get the scumbag in jail before he finds someone to fill her place." Jane wrapped an arm around Ashley's shoulder and this time she didn't resist. They set off walking back to the apartment. "You did good tonight, kid. Maybe this is the breakthrough they need to put that scumbag inside for good."

At the apartment, Ashley unlocked the door and they walked inside. Rosetino stood up from his spot on the couch. His eyebrows were pulled tightly together, his fists clenched by his side. He looked like he wanted to rip Jane's head off and all she could do was cough to hide the smirk.

"What the fuck were you doing there?" he asked, his voice so loud that Ashley retreated at Jane's side. She placed a hand on her daughter's back, hoping it would provide enough comfort.

"I told you," Jane said, forcing herself to remain perfectly calm. "I had business to do with Frank."

He folded his arms across his chest. His temple pulsed. "What is it you do exactly?"

Jane stepped forward, closing the gap between them. "That's none of your business. What do _you_ do?"

"That's none of _your_ business."

"Let's go, Ashley," Jane said. "Grab a bag, you can stay at the motel tonight."

"No," he shouted, wrapping a hand around Ashley's arm. He lowered his mouth to her ear. "This isn't how it's supposed to go down, you're ruining everything."

The white of his knuckle made Jane see red. She stepped forward, lunging herself towards him as she sent her balled up fist into his jaw. He stumbled backwards, his grip loosened on Ashley's arm.

"I'm staying," Ashley said, her eyes fixed on Jane's. She hoped to God that the look in her eyes said what she thought it did, because she didn't think she could handle it if Ashley chose to stay with him. She stepped back towards the door, cautious, still watching Ashley's face for some sign that she was more afraid than planning his downfall. What she saw was a detective ready to do her job. "I'll be fine, Mom."

"Goodnight, kid," she said, kissing her cheek.

Rosetino sat down on the couch, nursing his bloody nose. He glared at her, his dagger eyes sending messages she didn't want to decode. She allowed her lips to curve at the edges as she waved goodbye and exited the apartment. He was going to regret the day he met her daughter, one way or another.

* * *

 **Author Notes** **: So, what did you think? Also, is anyone interested in some story from Ashley's point of view? I purposefully didn't do it because she's obviously a non-Rizzoli and Isles character, but if you're happy to have some I may do a chapter - or shove a few scenes in there. I'd quite like to do a whole chapter just about Ashley's undercover work/relationship with Chaz, but I don't know how popular that would be? Let me know your thoughts!**


	15. Chapter 14

**Author Notes** **: thanks everyone for your awesomeness. Just a quick message as I'm supposed to be showered and ready for work and I'm not! Oops. Due to a mix of feedback on Ashley scenes, I've mixed a little Ashley with Jane and Maura, so I hope it's small enough to be okay for those who didn't want it, and long enough for those who did.**

* * *

"This was a mistake," Jane said, dropping into a chair across from Pierce's desk. "You put me at risk and you put my daughter at risk."

"Hold on a minute, Rizzoli." He stood up, moved around his desk and perched on the corner of it.

"No, Pierce. You screwed up." Jane clasped her hands together in her lap.

"Let's backtrack," he said. "Why are you here? I told you not to come in, we could have met elsewhere."

She ignored his admonishment. "You're denying that you've made mistakes."

"Jane."

"It's Rizzoli, to you." The line she was crossing was a risk she was willing to take. The last couple days had been a mess. "You should know better than most that a conflict of interest is never a good idea."

"Except when it is."

"It never is. I should have thought this through. I should have known, but I've been out of the game and I forgot to trust my instincts."

"Exactly, Rizzoli." He folded his arms and stood up, his superiority emanated from his posture. "You're out of the game. You don't understand the climate we're in."

"I'd forgotten to trust my instincts. I'm not so far out of it that I don't still understand how this works." She stood up. Her eyes fixed on his. Like for like. Height for height. "I'm done."

"You're done?" His eyebrows creased, the briefest flash of shock passed across his face.

"Finished," she said. "I'm out. I'm not playing this stupid, dangerous game anymore."

"Hold on a second." He held his hand up to stop her. "You signed a contract."

"So sue me," Jane said, stepping out from the space between Pierce and the desk and heading for the door.

"Rizzoli."

"No," she shouted, turning tail. She held her finger up as anger bubbled above the surface. "Being there is putting my kid at risk."

His resolve remained, his tone stayed low. He was playing the game and unlike Jane, he was keeping his emotions in check. "Getting out will put her in even more danger. What we did, arresting Frank's girl, it angered him. Word on the ground is he's looking for blood."

She shook her head. "Not mine, or my daughters."

"It happened when you were meeting him," he said. "If you vanish it's going to look suspicious. If you look suspicious, he's going to look to who introduced you."

"Ashley wasn't involved."

"Except that she was." His lips curved, the subtlest of facial cues that Jane nearly missed. He was playing with her anger, tugging at her instincts as a mother, and yet she couldn't stop herself from falling for it. "Look, Rizzoli. If you really want to walk away, fine. But think about this. Frank is furious. As a result, Ashley is working with someone who is going to be equally furious. She's going to be at risk of any consequence this has for him. She's prime position to be in danger."

"Not long ago you thought she wasn't involved," Jane said, resting her hands on the back of the chair.

"We've never really thought her involved. You wouldn't be here now if she was. But we can never be too cautious."

She stood upright again, as tall as she could make herself. "Being part of Frank's game was never part of the deal. I was supposed to bring Rosetino out of his cushy little position."

"Things change. We've already discussed this, Rizzoli. You had to make a deal with Frank so that his connection with Rosetino could be revealed. Now that Rosetino's spooked, it might be enough that he makes a mistake, trips himself up."

"I want you to get Ashley out of there."

"We can't do that, Rizzoli, not without tipping off BPD that we're involved in this."

Jane scoffed. "Whatever happened to agency cooperation?"

"That's bullshit," he said. "We cooperate with BPD and we risk losing Rosetino to his buddies in the department. We can't rule out any involvement from other officers."

"What happens next?"

"Take a few days, let the heat cool down, and then you can go back in there and try and make amends with Rosetino."

x

Takeaway containers lay abandoned on the table, a six pack of beer, empty, discarded on the floor. Ashley kicked the cardboard wrap to one side and perched on the edge of the couch. Chaz hadn't moved in several days.

"Maybe we could go for a walk."

Silence.

"Or for a few drinks?"

He didn't respond.

Eventually, Ashley reached down, resting her hand on his upper arm. She wanted to hate him for the situation she was in, but she couldn't push away just how deeply her feelings ran. He shrugged her off.

"Don't do this." She tried again. "I'm sorry. I never meant for any of this. I screwed up. I know. Just give me another chance."

He stood up, her hand fell from his arm. Without a word he marched towards the doorway and slammed the apartment door behind him. Ashley closed her eyes and slumped into his vacated seat. She pulled her cellphone out of her pocket and opened up the two messages she'd received.

'Ash, baby, call me," Jane had written. After she hadn't replied, she sent another one. 'Ashley, I'm sorry. We need to talk.'

She closed her phone again. Her actions were forcing her into 'disappointment' as a daughter, as a police detective, and she wasn't accepting of that. Not yet. She reached across the table and began clearing the rubbish. After filling a garbage bag, she wandered into Rosetino's bedroom. She scanned the room - it was mostly empty, excepting an unmade bed that she'd slept in too many times, a pile of dirty laundry on the floor, and chest of drawers. She took a step across the room, slowly making her way towards the drawers. She reached down and pulled open the bottom one; empty. Every single drawer was empty. When she opened the top one, it was filled with clothes. She ran a hand under the material, carefully searching for anything that might be hidden there. Nothing. She turned, and glanced back around the room. Running a hand under the mattress, again she found nothing.

A desire to find something spurred her on. If he was as guilty as Jane said he was, there would be evidence. She opened the closet in the space between the bedrooms. She stared into the mirror on the inside of the door. Her eye had changed colour several times over the last week and now it had a slight yellow tinge. She ran a finger across the discoloured skin and returned to her search. A black carry-all was shoved behind an empty box. She unzipped it, the weight signalling something was inside. Slipping her sweater sleeve over her hand, she pulled out a gun. It didn't match the service weapons they'd be assigned. A second and third one were hidden inside, along with piles of fifty dollar notes. Flicking through them, she estimated there to be a few thousand dollars. Her legs felt heavy. Ashley pulled out a pile of photographs and the air slipped from her lungs; children. Hundreds of photos of children - girls - in various states of undress, terror in their eyes. At the back of the pile was a photograph of Rosetino, his arms around two teenage girls, barely old enough to understand. Yet they had eyes that knew too much, faces covered in terror. She pushed everything back inside the bag and shoved it back into position.

Stepping back into the living space, Ashley rested her hands on her knees and perched on the edge of the coffee table. The last few months together flooded her mind. His hands and lips dancing across her skin, his words, used at all the right moments, pulling her into his web of lies. She didn't know what to believe anymore. She pressed her hand to her chest and gasped for air.

Ten minutes later the apartment door opened again. Rosetino walked across the room, his feet dragged across the floor, his shoulders slouched. She stood up, her eyes fixed on his dark brown eyes.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, feeling everything she'd known before crumble around her. Tears pricked her eyes and she wiped at her cheeks.

His face softened. He slipped his arms around her shoulders and she fell into his embrace. She felt sick. Everything he was involved in, every lie he'd told, every moment he'd put her career at risk. The love still running through her at the feel of his fingers on her skin, and the comfort of his embrace, left her torn.

"I could report you for this," he whispered, his voice barely audible outside of their little bubble.

"I know," she replied, pushing her face into the crook of his neck. She had to play the game if she was going to survive. "I deserve that."

"I don't know what I'd do without you," he said, placing a hand on the other side of her face and pushing his lips against her nose. She lifted her face upwards, meeting his mouth, forging together their bodies. He ran his hands up and down her back, his fingers trailing beneath the fabric of her t-shirt.

Consciously, Ashley's mind told her not to do it. But if she shut off her brain for the briefest of seconds, and allowed her heart to lead the way, she couldn't stop. Lips against lips, fingers against skin. He fumbled with the button on her pants, peppering kisses along her neck. Eventually she would find a way to bring him down, and work through the betrayal, until then, she had to keep playing the game.

x

The cool water splashed down against her skin. The baby cried out from the other room. Being the first person up, Jane knew she should see to Maggie, but she couldn't move. Her heart was already racing from the memories running through her mind. She placed a hand on the tiles, closed her eyes and felt the gentle chill of the water. She gasped for breath, opened her eyes again and stared up into the stream of the shower. The water filled her eyes, stinging her face, irritating the edges of her eyelids. The baby didn't stop. She called out for her parents, begging one of them to see to her. She wrapped her arms around her shoulders and leant against the tiled wall.

Her mind flooded itself, memories spilled over the wall she'd built and she couldn't stop them. She pushed and pushed at them, but they just kept on coming. Eventually her mind drew a blank. Everything vanished, and she just stared at the glass door. Droplets trailed down the smooth surface, racing ten to the dozen.

Voices in the distance merged with the volume of water beating down against the wall. The baby stopped crying. Voices again. Eventually the bathroom door opened and closed. A loud bang. Jane jumped upright. Maura stared at her from the other side of the glass. Her eyes fixed on Jane, who tried to look back, but she struggled to find a focus. She rubbed her eyes and forged a smile.

"Morning," she said, turning off the shower and opening the door. She wrapped a towel around her body and scooped Maura into her arms, ignoring the crease between her eyebrows. She pepper kisses along Maura's cheek, neck, and down her collarbone.

"Not now, Jane," Maura said, cupping her cheek. She placed her lips on Jane's. "Toby needs to go to school."

"I'm on it," Jane said, trailing a hand down the back of Maura's nightgown, her fingers slipped beneath the fabric. She cupped Maura's butt and gave it a gentle squeeze, before turning tail and rushing out into the bedroom.

x

"What's cookin' good lookin'?" Jane asked, placing a hand on Maura's hip.

Maura rested a hand over Jane's, and turned into her. "We have crab stuffed filet mignon with a whiskey peppercorn sauce, served with Greek spinach and quinoa salad."

"Quinoa salad? Again?"

"It's Ashley's favourite," Maura said.

She fixed her attention on Jane and watched for the predicted change in facial expression. When her eyebrows pulled together and she closed her eyes momentarily, Maura knew something wasn't right. The last couple of weeks, since she came home for a few days, something had shifted. Neither of them would talk to her, which meant it had to be about the case. Diligently, Maura ran her fingers across Jane's cheekbone.

"Don't look at me like that. Please. I've invited Ashley over for dinner because I haven't seen her in a while."

"I don't think it's a good idea," Jane said.

"I don't suppose you'll explain why?"

"You know that I can't."

The front door opened and Ashley entered the room. Maura turned off the hob and wrapped her arms around her step-daughter. "It's great to see you."

"I'm looking forward to some proper food," Ashley said, her eyes moved to Jane, then back across the room behind Maura.

"Ashley!"

Toby screamed out as he ran into the room, lunging himself into her arms. She caught him, wrapped her arms around his back and span him around the room. Then she lowered him to the floor and kissed his cheek.

"Don't do that," Ashley said, as he wiped her kisses away. She pulled him back into her arms and blew raspberries on his face.

"Ew!" he shouted, rubbing his skin again. "Girl cooties."

"I'll give you girl cooties," Ashley said. He ran off across the room and she chased him, not stopping until she'd scooped him back up and ran her fingers across his belly, tickling him until he begged for her not to.

"Enough with the hijinks, Toby," Maura said. "It's time for bed."

"Can Ashley read me a bedtime story?"

"Not tonight," Ashley said. "Mama and I need to talk."

"Aww, that sucks," he said, throwing his arms in the air.

"Tobias!" Maura placed a hand on his back and guided him towards the staircase.

"Sucks isn't a bad word, Mommy."

"It's not a word I want you to use. You know better words than that."

"Mama says it all the time."

"I don't care if Mama uses it all the time, you mustn't."

Silence fell between Ashley and Jane. They stood at a distance, their eyes down at the floor. The tension was palpable. For the first time, Jane didn't really know what to say. Other than brief messages exchanged, she hadn't seen Ashley in two weeks. After a second meeting with Pierce, and a lack of known backlash from Frank, they decided a longer break might be beneficial.

"I found a bag," Ashley said.

Jane looked up, her eyes narrowed. "A bag?"

"Chaz has a stash: guns, money...photographs."

"Photographs?" Jane bridged the gap between them. "What kind of photographs?"

"Of girls. Young girls."

Letting out a breath Jane stared into Ashley's eyes, searching for some sign of emotion, but her face was blank. She closed her eyes momentarily. The blank expression didn't settle her concerns, if anything, it escalated them.

"I need back in there," Jane said. "I need to see the bag."

"Chaz has a meeting tomorrow," Ashley said. "He won't tell me what it's about, he doesn't want me to come. You can come then."

"Okay."

The stood in silence for a moment.

"Mom."

Ashley's voice cracked, a hint of emotion so profound that it sunk into the pit of Jane's concerns. She stepped forward, closing the gap, as she wrapped her arms around Ashley's back. Without words, Ashley pushed her face against Jane's shoulder. They didn't speak, but when Ashley stepped back again, Jane's shirt was soaked through at the shoulder and Ashley pawed at her cheeks.

"I'm going to use the restroom," she whispered, marching out of the room.

Maura stood in the doorway. The moment Ashley left she entered the room and wrapped her arms around Jane from behind. She only caught the tail end of the conversation, but it was enough to know that Ashley wasn't okay, and as a reaction, neither was Jane.

"Let's eat," Jane said, unraveling herself from Maura, and pouring a glass of wine.


	16. Chapter 15

**Author Notes** **: Well this was a fun chapter to write, and there was me thinking I wouldn't have time tonight...I hope you enjoy it! Comments most welcome.**

* * *

Jane waited in an alleyway across the street until she watched Rosetino leave the apartment. A moment later, Ashley confirmed his departure and Jane joined her.

"Where's the bag?" Jane asked.

"Over here," Ashley said, opening the closet and pulling down the hold-all.

Unzipping the bag, Jane slipped on a glove and emptied its contents. The gun and money bothered her less than the photographs. She flicked through a couple of them. Seeing how young the girls were, knowing her other daughter was just a couple months old, made her fearful for her future. She'd seen the dangers of the world and she didn't like it one bit.

"These aren't legal service weapons," Jane said, turning the guns over in her hands. "The serial's worn off. These are black market."

"Is this enough to prove he's guilty?"

"It's enough to prove he's not doing his job." Jane searched the bag. "There's only two, I thought you said there were three."

The sound of a cylinder turning and a bullet entering the chamber made Jane freeze.

"Hand me the bag."

The voice sent a chill down Jane's spine. She turned cautiously, her hand wrapped around the edge of the opening. She tossed the bag across the room to where Rosetino stood. His hand outstretched, wrapped around the missing gun.

"What are you doing, Chaz?" Ashley shouted, standing up too quickly. Jane wrapped her arms around her waist and pulled her back down to the floor.

"Don't."

"Listen to your mother, Ashley."

"What are you doing, Chaz?" she asked again, holding her hands up in the air and carefully standing up. "Please don't do anything you're going to regret."

"Funny that," he said, motioning to the bag. "Maybe I should call this in. Show BPD how corrupt you are."

"I'm sorry," she said. "I haven't told anyone else. I won't. Your secret's safe with me."

"You maybe, but I don't trust her for a second." He pointed the gun directly at Jane's head. "What are you? CIA? FBI?"

"I'm just Ashley's mom."

"Bullshit." He pushed the gun closer to her head. She could feel the barrel pushed up against her skull. "Get up."

Jane lifted her hands to either side of her head and stumbled to her feet. She glanced at Ashley, whose eyes bugged, then back into Rosetino's face.

"You don't wanna hurt us," she said.

"No, I don't." He motioned toward the door. "Get moving. One of you tries to escape, I shoot the other."

She edged toward the apartment door, closely followed by Ashley. Rosetino threw everything back into the hold-all and tossed it over his shoulder. They travelled through the building and down to the street.

"Now I know I can't trust either of you, you're gonna come with me to my meeting. I'm not leaving you alone for a second."

Fifteen minutes later, Rosetino turned down a side street and out onto the forecourt of an industrial lot. Jane scanned the vicinity. To her left was a man in a dark SUV. The moonlight glistened against the gun in his hands. On the right a dark coloured sedan sat empty, a man leaned against the bonnet, a gun in his hands.

"I'm here for Frank," Rosetino said.

Whistling a brief tune, the man in the SUV climbed out and opened the back door. Jane gripped Ashley's hand. Frank stood up, his eyes danced across the people in front of him.

"What are they doing here?"

"Collateral damage," Rosetino said. "Caught them snooping through my shit. What do you want me to do with them?"

"Not my problem," Frank said. "You got information?"

Rosetino nodded. "Police department are gonna raid the houses at the warehouse on sixth tomorrow night at eight. You might wanna move the girls unless you wanna be prime suspect."

"You're a good man," Frank said, patting Rosetino's cheek and handing over an envelope. "Now you've sorted my girls out, sort your own."

"I thought we had a deal," Jane shouted. "I got contacts."

"Changed my mind," he said, then motioned to Rosetino. "I don't want them coming here again unless I explicitly ask them to."

"Don't worry about it, I'll sort them out."

"We don't need sorting out," Jane said.

Rosetino lifted his hand and slapped her hard across the cheek. "Shut your face."

"What a charming man," Jane said, glaring at Ashley as she cupped her stinging cheek. How Ashley could see anything in Chaz Rosetino, Jane didn't know. The man revolted her and he only sought to persuade her of that. She felt the onset of a bruise forming across her cheekbone.

"I gotta go." Frank turned towards his car. "Sort your shit out."

A siren in the distance made Frank stop dead. After discussing the meeting with Ashley the previous night, Jane had already set the ball in motion to ensure the FBI were ready to show up. Blue lights flashed from side streets.

"You little fuck," Frank shouted, marching back towards Rosetino. "What did you do?"

"Nothing, I swear," Rosetino shouted.

"You liar." Frank lifted a gun from his belt and raised it against Rosetino's chest.

Lunging forward, Ashley grabbed the bag that Rosetino had abandoned on the floor. She picked up a gun and handed the other to Jane.

"Drop it," Ashley said, cocking the trigger. "I don't want to use this."

"Now, now," Frank said. "Put the gun away dear, you don't want to harm yourself."

The gun in Jane's hand felt unfamiliar. It wasn't her usual model of choice but should she need to use it, it would do. She quickly cocked the trigger and raised it up beside Ashley. If they were going to attempt to catch Albert Frank, they might as well get all hands on deck.

"Do you want me to pull the fucking trigger?" he asked.

Before Jane could respond, Rosetino reached to his own gun, released the safety and pressed down on the trigger. A bullet flew across the air. For a moment time seemed to slow down. Jane felt a familiar instinct kick in as Albert Frank stumbled backwards, blood seeping from a wound on his chest.

Turning round, Rosetino aimed his weapon at Jane, fire burned in his eyes. She could see the movement of his hand against the trigger. She took the split second decision to press down on the trigger of her own gun. As it sounded out, the blue lights flashed around her. Sirens blared out across the forecourt. The bullet landed in Rosetino's stomach at the same time a bullet from his own gun hurtled towards Jane.

"Mom!" Ashley shouted, throwing herself against Jane's body.

They tumbled to the ground. Jane reached a hand up to her forehead, as it collided with the cold, dark ground. Her vision blurred in and out of focus. Lowering her arm down by her side, blood soaked her shirt.

"Ash?" she shouted, turning over. She reached out and felt someone lay on the ground beside her. "Ashley, talk to me."

A foot landed on her wrist. In the dazed confusion, a pair of hands lifted her to her feet. Jane fought against them as a set of handcuffs wrapped around her wrists.

"We're arresting you for possession of an unlawful firearm, and attempted murder. You have the right to remain silent. You do not have to say anything, but anything you do say may and can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to speak to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you before questioning. If you decide to answer questions without an attorney present, you have the right to refrain from answering further questions until an attorney is appointed. Do you understand your rights?"

"No," she shouted, staring around at the blood bath around her. The two men with guns had vanished, along with their cars.

"I said do you understand your rights?"

"Yes, I understand."

All she could see was blood and people lay on the ground. She tried to focus her eyes but they wouldn't work. She must have hit her head harder than she thought. She stared down at her shirt, the material soaked with blood. She fought against the lump settled in the back of her throat. She didn't know what had happened. All she really knew was that she had emptied a gun into Rosetino. Was the blood his? Was it Ashley's?

"Where's Ashley?"

The possibility that Ashley wasn't okay flooded her mind. Her chest ached from the lack of oxygen reaching her lungs. They pushed her into the backseat of a police car. Jane rested her head against the headrest, her eyes fixed on a notice attached to the back of the seat. She could see words, but her eyes wouldn't focus enough to read them.

She stayed silent. She had very little to say anyway. They obviously weren't going to answer her questions. Somewhere between sending the FBI to Rosetino's meeting and going to collect the evidence he had left in the apartment, something had gone wrong. What felt like a few moments later, the police car slowed to a stop and they opened the back door, a great gust of air seeped in through her nose and she gasped loudly.

"What happened?" she asked, trying to remember the moment they set off from the crime scene.

"Move," one of the officers said, pushing her towards the entrance of the Boston Police Department.

x

The call came in shortly after Maura put the baby down for a couple of hours. She was still feeding periodically and without Jane there to help with Toby, she was exhausted. Maggie had cried for most of the day, and despite her best efforts to calm Toby down, he had hyperactivity that would make a clown look tame.

"Ms Isles?"

"Doctor Isles," she said. "Yes."

"This is Officer Pillsbury from the Boston Police Department."

Her knees weakened at the sound of his voice. She clutched the kitchen counter beside her and lowered herself onto a stool. The threat of tears stung her eyes. Without any further words, Maura knew the tone in his voice. She knew that something had happened.

"Is Jane okay?" she asked.

"There's been an incident," he replied. "They're requesting that you come down to the station straight away."

"Please," Maura whispered. "Just tell me if Jane's okay. Is she alive?"

He paused. "I can confirm Jane Rizzoli is alive."

"Thank you," she said, quickly hanging up the phone and dialling Angela's number.

In the decade or so they spent working together, Maura very rarely felt a level of fear that she felt in those moment before the officer confirmed that Jane was okay. After inviting Angela over to babysit, Maura sat on the couch and tried to regain her composure. Whatever it was, she suspected she needed a little more energy than she currently had access to.

x

The room was so familiar to Jane. After working in homicide for years, she knew every inch of the interview room – from the one-way mirror to the hole in the corner where Korsak had once become so mad that he kicked a hole in the plasterboard. Budget cuts that year meant it had never been fixed.

She stared at the markings on the table, carved out by suspects and victims before her. Jane ran her fingers across the holes in the wooden table. The last few hours were a jumbled mess of confusion. A doctor had checked her over and her vision had already returned to normal. She felt fine, physically. Emotionally, she felt drained. Nobody would answer her questions and for the first time in her career, she was treated like a criminal.

"When will somebody come out here and talk to me?" she asked, glaring into the room on the other side of the mirror. She may not have been able to see through it, but she knew that someone was there. Maybe it was even Frankie. "You can't keep me shut up in here forever."

x

Twenty minutes passed by after Maura entered the police department. Given her history with the facility, she had expected better treatment, but the rookies didn't know her and the older officers had selectively forgotten who she was. She ran her hands through her hair. Nobody would tell her a thing. She considered phoning Korsak and begging him to utilise his connections to get some information. In the end she just sat and waited until somebody allowed her entrance to the room where Jane was being kept.

"Thank God," Maura said, wrapping her arms tightly around Jane's back. She pulled her into her embrace. They stood in silence, arm in arm, for a few moments. Then she stood back and held her at a distance. Jane's clothes were soaked in blood. "I thought something terrible had happened to you. Who's is this?"

"I don't know," Jane whispered, shaking her head. "I don't know."

"They won't tell me anything."

"I need to know if Ashley is okay." Jane clung to Maura's hands, her fingers pressed deep against her skin.

"She was there?" Jane pawed at her cheeks. Maura cupped Jane's face and brushed away her tears. "What is it?"

"I think she got shot," Jane said, her voice breaking up.

The lump that had settled in the back of Maura's throat threatened to send tears streaming down her face. She cleared her throat and stood a little taller. One of them needed to remain strong. "I'll find out."

"What's going to happen to me, Maur?"

"I've got a lawyer coming in from Connecticut. He's the friend of a friend who owes me a favour."

"I think I shot Chaz."

"I'm sorry, Jane," Maura said, kissing her tears away. "I really don't know anything. They won't tell me."

x

The interview room door opened and Agent Gabriel Dean walked in. Jane stood up and marched across the room the second she clapped eyes on him. Without a thought for the consequences, she lifted her fists up and banged them against his chest.

"What the hell did you get me into?"

"I'm sorry it's taken me so long to come and see you, Jane," he said, his voice solemn. He tossed a packaged sandwich and a bottle of water onto the table.

"I need to know if Ashley's okay."

"There'll be time to talk about Ashley later," he said. "I came to bring you something to eat. I promise you, we'll sort this out."

She slumped down into the plastic chair and ripped open the sandwich packet. Before she started eating, she didn't realise just how hungry she'd become. She chewed the bread and swallowed each mouthful until every piece had been consumed. She pushed the empty packet to one side.

"Gabriel," she said, finding her assertiveness in the influx of energy. "What's going to happen?"

He lowered his gaze. "You emptied an illegal weapon into a serving police detective."

"Under your orders."

"I did not order you to shoot the guy."

"I did nothing wrong," Jane said. "He was going to shoot _me_."

"Unfortunately for you, right now there's nobody who can corroborate your story."

"It's not a story. It's fact. Speak to Chaz, speak to Ashley."

"Jane," Dean said, reaching a hand out and wrapping it around Jane's balled up fist. "I can't do that right now."

Her fingers shook against the table. Jane pressed her hands down against the wood, forcing them to remain steady. "They are okay, aren't they?"

Dean sat back against his chair. "The only thing we need to talk about is how you're going to survive in jail."


	17. Chapter 16

**Author Notes** **: Thanks for all of the comments, etc. I'm sorry I was a little cruel at the end of the last chapter, but I couldn't help it. Cliffhangers are too tempting, sometimes. Hopefully this one will answer some of your most burning questions (except one, that *will* be answered eventually, I promise).**

* * *

"He wants you to do what?"

The baby woke from her slumber. Her mouth opened and she started to cry. Maura rocked her slowly in her arms, her eyes fixed on Jane's. They were sat in an interview room at the Boston Police Department, once again. Despite everything that had happened in the last few weeks, she didn't anticipate she'd spend so much time there again. Maura glanced over Jane's shoulder to the mirrored window where she hoped none of her former colleagues would be watching them.

"Dean wants me to go undercover in the jail," Jane repeated. "They arrested a woman recently. Now that Albert Frank is seriously ill in the hospital, they want me to turn her. We need her on our side so that if that son of a bitch wakes up, we can get him."

"And if he dies?"

"Then we can blow his operation out of the water and stop it continuing after his death."

Maura closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. The last twelve hours had been hard and she didn't appreciate it getting harder still. Maggie's lips opened and closed a couple of times before she finally settled down. Maura smiled down at the baby until she found a happy place in her mind.

"How long for?" Maura lifted her gaze.

"They don't know."

"What about the people who you helped put inside?"

"I'll be on remand. It'll never get to the point where I'm in high security. Anyone who's been inside long enough to know me won't be in the wing where I'll be."

She sat back in her seat and lifted the baby onto her shoulder, biding her time before she needed to speak again. She pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes.

"I don't want you to go." Jane stared down at her fingers resting on the table. A lump settled in the back of Maura's throat. "You've already agreed to it?"

"I couldn't not," Jane said, leaning forward. "What happened last night, the adrenaline rush, Maur. I've not felt like that in such a long time. I've _missed_ my job so much."

She sighed. "I didn't ask you to give it up."

"I know. I chose to do that and maybe I'm seeing how much of a mistake that was."

"You want to go back to work?" Maura asked.

Jane shrugged. "I don't know. The reason why I gave it up still stands. I don't want to risk you and the kids losing me. I don't want to miss them growing up."

"But you're willing to go to jail to solve a crime?"

"It's not like that, Maura. I want to finish what I started."

"You did." Maura pursed her lips. "Chaz Rosetino is going to be arrested and charged as soon as he's out of the hospital. _If_ he makes it out."

"He was just a pawn in a much, much bigger game," Jane said, placing her palms down on the table.

"Why you?" Maura asked. "There are other detectives who could do this. What about Ashley?"

"What about her?" Jane gripped one of Maura's hands. "She could have died last night, Maura. But she didn't. She's lucky she escaped with barely a graze. She's a good cop but she screwed up. She's not ready to go undercover, let alone in a jail."

"And you are? You've been out of the force for five years. What makes you think you can do this?"

A flash of emotion spread across Jane's face. Maura's heart sank. The words had tumbled from her lips before she'd really thought about what she was implying.

Jane's tone cooled. "What makes you think I _can't_?"

"The way you've been acting lately."

"The way I've been acting? What do you mean?"

"I've seen you, I've watched you. You're not the woman I fell in love with six years ago."

"Of course not, Maura." Jane pulled her hands back and placed them neatly on her lap. "Neither are you. Too much has happened. We've both changed. But I still love you. Are you saying you don't love me back?"

"I'm saying I'm worried about you. I love you so much that I can't even." Maura paused. "There are things I've seen that I want to talk about. But if I talk about them it makes them real, and if they're real then I have to worry about you more than I can handle right now."

"You don't have to worry about me at all."

"How can I not?" She sighed. "You are my world. You are everything to me, Jane. You and our family are everything."

"It's just gonna be for a few weeks."

"A few weeks too many," she said, the lump in her throat started to ache. Maggie started to grizzle against her shoulder. She was exhausted. What with the baby and Toby, and spending half the night at the hospital with Ashley, Maura didn't know how much more she could take. "Maggie is barely a couple months old. I have been doing this alone and I need your support."

"I'm _here_ , I've been here."

" _No_. You haven't."

"I," Jane opened her mouth but words disappeared. Maura could see the confusion in her eyes, the realisation. She wanted to expand on her concerns, but she knew doing so would open up a can of worms that neither of them could handle in that moment.

"Do what you want," she said, standing up and walking towards the door. She placed a hand on the handle and turned briefly. "Let me know when you get out."

x

Maura stood at the back of the hospital room. Chaz Rosetino lay in a bed, hooked up to a couple machines. He opened and closed his dry mouth, his fingers wrapped tightly around Ashley's hand.

"Don't," she said, pulling her hand away.

"Come on, Ash," he said, reaching out across the gap.

"You could have ruined my career."

"That was never gonna happen."

She shook her head. "You don't need to lie anymore, Chaz. I know everything. I know that you are the reason Albert Frank wasn't arrested sooner. You ruined your own operation."

"Who you been talking to?" he asked, pushing himself up a little higher.

Maura stepped forward, her instinct to help pushed her into action. After taking a step towards them, she stopped. She was there for moral support. That was all.

"FBI."

"I knew it," he said, wincing as he shook his head. "She's one of them, ain't she? Your mom?"

"No. She's not a Fed." She folded her arms across her chest. Maura could see a glint in her eye as she spoke. "She was one of the greatest cops this city has ever seen."

"Rizzoli," he whispered, the dots connecting together. "She's Jane Rizzoli?

"The one and only."

He tugged at her fingers, pulling them into his hands. "Babe, I always knew you were good. I never realised you were a legacy."

She smiled, pride in her voice. "I wish I was half as good as she was."

Rosetino's mouth curved at one side. "I heard she's now a washed up piece of shit, and from the looks of her, I'd say that's pretty accurate."

Ashley stared down at his fingers on her skin. Brushing tears from her cheek, she cleared her throat. "I thought I loved you. I thought _you_ loved me."

"Ashley."

"You know, for a moment, I thought I might be pregnant. I thought maybe now you'd finally leave your wife and we could be happy together."

Maura's ears pricked up. She tried to keep her mind busy, to stop herself from listening to what suddenly felt like a private conversation, but she couldn't help it. She moved toward the door. Ashley didn't need her support anymore.

Rosetino's face broke up as laughter escaped his mouth. Maura stopped and turned. He rested a hand on his chest as he winced. "You're deluded kid. That was never gonna happen."

"I," Ashley tried to speak. The words caught in her throat.

Lunging forward, she grabbed the front of Rosetino's hospital gown and lifted him towards her. She glared at him, her pupils fixed on his until she saw fear in his eyes where before all she'd ever seen was bravado.

"You are a worthless piece of scum and I hate you. You ruined everything. My mom might go to jail because of you. I can't believe I ever saw something in you. You're nothing but a lying, cheating, pervert."

Maura wrapped her hand around Ashley's shaking shoulders and pulled her away. Her fingers loosened on his hospital gown, her arms fell to her sides. She turned into Maura's embrace, her eyes filled with tears.

The machine's blared out loudly. Maura pulled Ashley back to the other side of the room as it filled with doctors and nurses. Rosetino lay, unconscious, on the bed. His heart rate had dropped suddenly. Ashley clung to Maura as the team worked desperately to save him.

"I'm sorry," Ashley shouted, her cheeks reddened and her eyes overflowed. Maura pulled her in tighter. "Don't die, please don't die."

Fifteen minutes later, the team stepped back. Rosetino lay lifeless on the hospital bed. A doctor flicked off the machine.

"Time of death, four thirty pm."

Ashley's knees bent and Maura caught her, guiding her slowly to the ground as she sobbed against her shoulder.

x

The building was noisy. Jane hadn't spent a great deal of time in jails as a cop, on account of the fact she was usually the one sending people there. Even after Maura started working as a forensic psychotherapist in jails, she still opted to avoid the places. She'd forgotten how much noise echoed off metal and concrete. The soft furnishings of her home were sorely missed.

"Six am you get up. You get thirty minutes to eat breakfast, then you go to your work assignment."

Jane listened carefully to the prison guard's instructions, following her down the corridor with a pair of orange overalls in her hands and a toothbrush. She took in her surroundings, carefully analysing the possible locations that could be deemed more dangerous than others.

"After lunch you return to your job or you get time off to work out or visit the library. At three you can go outside for an hour or return to your cell. Dinner's at five. If you're religious there's a service in the evening, if you're on counselling, your sessions will be in the evening. Everyone returns to their cells at eight. Lights out at eleven. Next day, it starts all over again. There's no work on Sunday and extra time for religious service. Any questions?"

"When do," Jane began, but the prison guard cut her off.

"No, great, this one's yours," she said, holding up her chubby fingers toward an open doorway. "You're sharing with Paulie."

x

Running her hand across Ashley's cheek, Maura wrapped her arms around her. She picked up a pillow and placed it under her shoulder. She moved her hand across Ashley's upper arm.

"Shh," she said, brushing tears from Ashley's cheeks. "Try to get some rest."

She continued to whimper, her face red and blotchy and her eyes puffed up and watery. Maura lowered her head and rested it down against Ashley's cheek.

"You're okay," she said, wiping again at her eyes.

A few moments later, her shaking shoulders stopped, her breathing evened out and Maura untangled herself. She sat up and watched her sleeping. She sighed. It broke her heart to watch her fall apart. In the last five years she'd really gotten to know how kind hearted and funny she could be. It had taken a couple of years for her to really come into her own in her career and Maura had been so blessed to be there every step of the way.

She tiptoed out of her bedroom and down the hallway to the nursery. Maggie slept peaceful in her crib. Maura closed the door behind her and went downstairs.

"Mommy, when's Mama coming home?" Toby asked from his seat at the table.

"Not tonight," Maura said, sitting beside him and running a hand through her hair. She felt her eyelids close momentarily. "Maybe we should call Nana and ask her to come over."

"Nana's already here," Toby said, pointing across the room.

Maura turned in her seat. She laughed as she saw Angela stood in the kitchen busy chopping vegetables. The laughter turned quickly and Maura felt her shoulders shake as tears flowed down her cheeks.

Toby stared at her, his eyes wide. "Mommy?"

"It's okay, Toby," Angela said. "Why don't you go upstairs and choose a book for bedtime?"

"But it's dinner time," he said.

"You won't have to do it later."

He pouted, but ran off upstairs anyway. Angela slipped into his seat and place a hand over Maura's. "You look like you've been dragged through a bush backwards."

"I feel like I've not slept for weeks," she said, wiping her cheeks and resting her head in her hands. "I don't even know what day it is."

"You need to go to bed."

"No, I'm fine," Maura said. "I just need a good night's sleep."

"Then go," Angela said. "I'll get Toby to bed."

Maura started laughing again. Nothing was funny, if anything, it was anything but funny. "Ashley's asleep in my bed."

"Stay in the guest house. I'll stay here tonight, in case any of the kids need me."

"No, I couldn't," Maura said. "I can't put that on you."

"Why not?" Angela shrugged. "If my daughter hadn't messed everything up then she'd be here supporting you."

"Maybe just for a little while," Maura said, standing up. She slouched off towards the back door. Her arms felt heavy, her legs like lead columns. The second her head hit the pillow, darkness surrounded her, quickly replaced by visions of Jane running through the halls of the jail.

A couple hours later, Maura woke covered in a layer of sweat and tears still covering her cheeks. She wandered into the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face. She breathed in slowly, then exhaled again.

The moon shone high in the sky. The stars were covered by cloud. Maura stood on the driveway, watching the world go by as she stared up at the sky. Everything felt like a heavy weight sitting on her shoulders.

After a moment of fresh air, she stripped off her clothes and climbed back under the bed sheets in the guest house. She didn't anticipate getting much more sleep, but at least she could try. By morning it wouldn't be any easier; Ashley would still be bereaved. Jane would still be in jail. The children would still be vying for her attention. Come hell or high water, she needed to be okay.


	18. Chapter 17

**Author Notes** **: Not the greatest response last chapter, but thank you all the same to those who have responded in some way. I know it's not an easy going story, and that's just the way it is. It's not something I can change, we're too far in. I can promise you that there will be some light, eventually, but there will also be the darkest moment when I finally reveal some things that up until now have only been hinted at. I hope you'll continue on this journey. Thank you for sticking around this long!**

 **We've also come full circle, this is where we reach the prologue (so apologies for a slight amount of repetition)!**

* * *

Hard droplets of rain rammed sideways against the windows. Maura sipped her glass of wine and watched the weather batter the outside of the bar. She didn't feel much like talking, and Chrissy didn't push it. They sat staring at the world outside, silently drinking wine and enjoying each other's company.

Eventually, Maura became tired of the inside of her mind. "My wife is in jail."

"What?" Chrissy sat up straight and reached across the table, her hand resting on Maura's wrist. "What happened? I thought she was a detective?"

"It's complicated. To add insult to injury, my step-daughter also ended up with a gunshot wound. Her partner was involved. He's now dead, and now Jane's been sitting at the county jail for the last two weeks awaiting trial for shooting him." Maura stared down at the table. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Would you rather get blind drunk and dance until our feet hurt?"

Maura's smile came and went. "I don't think I have the energy."

"How are you doing?" Chrissy asked, still clutching her wrist. She leaned forward.

Pursing her lips together, Maura fought against the lump in her throat. She swallowed a mouthful of wine. If only she could blot out her problems so easily.

"I'm fine."

Chrissy raised an eyebrow. "Fine…of course you are, sweetie. You gave birth less than three months ago, you step-daughter's hurt and your wife is in jail. Forgive me for not believing a word."

Breathing out quickly, Maura's lungs fought against her rib cage. Seeing through her façade was the one thing Maura didn't need. Her cheeks reddened, her eyes stung and she didn't think she could hold on any longer.

"I just want to go to sleep and not have to wake up."

"Maura," Chrissy reached her other hand out and wrapped them both around her fingers. "Maybe you need to talk to somebody. If you're that low."

" _No_." Maura shook her head. "That didn't come out how it sounded. I'm not suicidal. I'm just exhausted. Every day I wake up and I have to deal with something; the children, Jane, my employer wanting me to come back to work."

"I thought you'd taken six months' unpaid leave?"

"I have. They've replaced me twice. I got a call this morning asking me if there's any way I can come back sooner. The person taking over my cases is incompetent to say the least." She finished her wine and stared into the glass longingly. "I don't know what to do anymore. Even when my mother-in-law looks after the children and the house, I still can't get any rest. I lie there and I think of nothing, but I can't fall asleep."

"A few glasses of that'll do it." Chrissy motioned to the empty wine glass and held it up to the waiter.

"It's taken us so long to get to this place," Maura said. "After the hardest few years, I thought we'd never be happy again. Then I got pregnant and it was the greatest feeling in the world."

"Now you have your beautiful daughter."

Maura ran her fingers across the glass, twirling it round in her fingers until the waiter replace it with a fresh one. "Thank you. I don't think Jane has spent any time with her."

"Maggie? Why not?"

"I tried to ignore it. I thought that if we got on with living our lives, eventually she'd have to take care of her. Then she started working again and I don't remember the last time she even touched the baby. Every morning she'll kiss Toby on the cheek, rub his head, or roughhouse with him. She doesn't even look at Maggie."

"Have you spoken to her about it?"

"I can't," Maura said, pressing her fingertips against the edges of her eyelids. Against her best efforts, tears welled up in her eyes. "I think I know why, but I'm too scared to have that conversation. If I push her too hard, maybe she'll break. I don't know if I can cope if she breaks."

"You're too hard on yourself, Maura. Look at you, you're surrounded by chaos and somehow in the middle of it all you're surviving, you're getting on with your life."

"But it's tearing me apart."

"Come here." Chrissy stood up and moved around the table, enveloping Maura in her arms. She sunk into her embrace, her shoulders shook as she pushed her wet face against Chrissy's shoulder.

x

Creeping into Toby's bedroom, Maura ran a hand across his forehead and placed her lips against his skin. She knelt beside him and rested her head on his pillow, running her fingers across his face. After a long, tiring, and alcohol fuelled night, she was feeling a little worse for wear. Despite knowing full well the impact of alcohol on an already low mood, she allowed herself to be pulled into her fourth and fifth drink. The fuzz that had replaced most of her brain's usual function left her feeling melancholy.

"Mommy?" Toby opened his eyes and stared into her hazel orbs.

She forged a smile and cupped his cheek. "Hey, Tobes."

"You say don't call me Tobes."

"Yes, I do," she said, touching his nose with her lips. "I'm sorry."

"Why do you smell funny?"

She scooped him up into her arms and lifted him up onto her lap, sliding under the covers beside him. "I had a drink that smells funny."

"Is it morning?"

"Not yet." She wrapped her arms tightly around his chest. "I wanted a cuddle with my little boy."

"I'm sleepy."

"Go back to sleep," she said, running her hand across the top of his head.

"I miss Mama, why did she have to go away?"

"I don't know," Maura said, slipping further down the bed until she lay with her toes out the end of the bed sheets. "Go back to sleep, you have school tomorrow."

"I don't wanna go to school if Mama can't take me."

"How about if Ash takes you instead?"

"But she hurt her arm."

"I know, but she can still take you to school. She's not working for a while, and she wants to spend some time with you."

"Can we go to the park?"

"Only if you go back to sleep," Maura said, cradling him in her arms as she closed her eyes. She felt his breathing even out and heard the gentle sounds he made as he slept. It felt like a relaxation recording, the perfect level of contentment in order to send her to sleep. She focused her attention on Toby's breathing until her own evened out and she finally drifted off.

x

The routine of jail appealed to Jane more than she anticipated. In between set meal times, working in the laundry room, and trying to get close to Ivanka, she had very little time to actually sit down and think. In the time they spent in the yard, she worked out. Every other day she joined in a game of basketball.

By eight in the evening she lay in bed, unable to sleep. Somewhere between the doors closing and the morning, she couldn't remember much. She had a vague recollection of her cellmate talking to her, but she didn't respond. Every morning she was exhausted, and yet she pushed through it to follow the same routine.

"Capello!" a prison guard shouted. Every day someone was shouting something.

Jane ran the iron across a crisp white sheet, fully focused on the task at hand. They shouted again. It was only when a hand touched her shoulder that she realised they were talking to her.

"Capello, visitor."

"Me?"

"You're the only Capello in here," he shouted, motioning towards the exit.

She placed the iron back into its holder and followed him out of the laundry room. All eyes were on her. Most detainees weren't pulled away from their job for a visitor. She wondered if there'd be any repercussions later. In the two weeks she'd been there, she'd already witnessed two attacks and an attempted stabbing.

"In here," he said, nodding at the door to a side room.

Every week on a couple of days, the girls were shipped off at various points to the visitor's area. Jane had gone along for the walk one afternoon. They were on the opposite side of the prison.

"Why is it here?" she asked. He shrugged his shoulders and pressed down on the door handle.

She stepped through the doorway. When her eyes landed on Maura, she felt every emotion she'd pushed to one side flood her mind. She swallowed the lump that formed at the back of her throat. Showing any sign of weakness in jail was dangerous. It hadn't taken long to learn that. She slipped into the seat opposite Maura and the door closed behind them.

"Where's Toby?" she asked, her eyebrows pulled together. Seeing Maura and the baby made her realise just how much she missed her son. Knowing he wasn't there broke her heart.

"I didn't bring him."

"Why not?"

"It's a jail, Jane. He's six. I won't let him see you like this. I don't want him to have a memory of you in jail."

Jane tapped her fingers across the table. From thumb to pinky finger and back again. She drummed back and forth several times. She glanced at the closed door, her eyes dancing in their sockets. Thankful for the privacy in an otherwise very public, very open arena. She sighed.

"Come on, Maura. I've not seen him in over two weeks. Doesn't he wonder where I am?" she asked. She slid her hand across the table. Her pinky finger wrapping around Maura's.

She swiftly pulled her hand away and wrapped it back around the baby dozing in her arms. "Of course he does. In case you've forgotten, you've not seen Maggie or I in two weeks either."

"But you're here. He's not."

"I made a decision that was right for my son."

" _Your_ son?"

" _Our_ son."

Jane gritted her teeth. "But you said my."

"Slip of the tongue. I apologise."

She didn't know whether to believe her or not. But she had to hold onto any ounce of hope she could. "What did you tell him?"

Maura shook her head. She didn't want to lie to him, but there was little option. "I told him you've gone to visit Tommy. He wanted to go too, so he could play with TJ and Evan...he misses you."

Brushing a tear from her cheek, Jane cleared her throat. "I miss him too. Will you bring him next time?"

"No."

"This isn't fair Maura."

What wasn't fair was that Maura was there at all. Of all the places she expected to have to visit Jane during their life together, jail was not one of them. What wasn't fair was that she had to bring their three month old daughter with her.

"You got yourself into this mess, Jane."

"You know why I'm here."

"That doesn't make it okay." Maura shifted the baby from one arm to the other, then waited a moment to be sure she'd settled down again. "You made a decision and I don't have to support it."

"I _had_ to."

" _Had_ is debatable. You've hurt me, you've hurt our children." Maura lowered her head. She stared down at the soft features of their daughter. Her small button nose, her eyes tightly closed, her tiny lips twitching in sleep. "Don't even get me started on your mother."

"She knows?"

Maura rolled her eyes. "I was hardly going to lie to her. You're in _jail_. She needed to know."

A sound escaped Jane's lips. A guttural moan that joined the clenching of her fists on the table. She thrust herself backwards. Her feet flat on the floor as she leaned as far back as the chair would allow.

"Don't," Maura said.

"Don't what?" Jane tensed in her seat.

"Act like this doesn't affect anyone else."

The steely gaze of her wife spoke volumes. Jane closed her eyes. The baby stirred once more, her gentle coos filled the air. Jane wanted to look, to see her eyes open, to watch her silent wonder. She lowered her head and, instead, watched her fingers as she picked at her cuticles.

"I wasn't," Jane said. She knew she was. Maura knew she was. But verbal defence was all she had left.

Maura reached out to her arm. Her fingers wrapped around Jane's wrist. "Your mother is upset. She doesn't understand."

Jane finally looked up. "Did you explain?"

"What could I say? I could hardly tell her the truth." Maura let go again. She wanted to feel comfortable with Jane being in jail, but she just couldn't allow herself to do that.

In the distance the jingling of the prison guard's keys travelled through the air. The baby's coos continued to overshadow it. Jane's foot tapped noisily on the concrete floor, her only distraction from everything else going on in life. She could almost hear the whirring of Maura's brain.

"I miss you," she whispered, her voice small, her head bowed.

"I'm sorry," Jane said, standing up. Her eyes trailed across Maura's lowered face, across the baby staring back at her with curiosity. A lump formed in the back of her throat, painful to swallow, and impossible to shift. She turned and walked to the door she'd been allowed in through just a few minutes earlier. She banged on it until it opened again. As she walked out, she glanced back at Maura still sat at the table, still avoiding her gaze. Then she whispered once more, quieter still. "I'm so sorry."

x

Maura maintained her attention on Maggie. In the hardest moments, the children pulled her through. She heard Jane's sneakers on the tiled floor as the door closed behind her. She finally looked up. In Jane's wake was nothing. An empty space in a darkened room. Tears trailed down her cheeks and she regretted much of the conversation. Inside her heart was breaking at the thought of Jane being there, alone, fighting to protect vulnerable girls, but she couldn't avoid the anger bubbling up inside of her.

"I'd like to go now," she said, walking across the room and banging on the door.

A few minutes later, a prison guard guided her out of the jail. She handed back the visitors badge she'd been given and returned to her car. With Maggie secured in her car seat, Maura banged her palms against the steering wheel. Tears crept down her cheeks, merging with the pale stains of already fallen tears. She didn't know how she was going to get through the next few weeks.


	19. Chapter 18

**Author Notes : I don't have time to do this, so it's a very quick hi, here's another chapter, I'm about to be late for a volunteer job. Enjoy.**

* * *

The laundry room smelled of soap and machinery. The job didn't bother Jane as much as the smell did. She was a physical person, had been used to doing laundry almost every day for the last five years, and she wasn't afraid of a bit of hard work. Some of the younger girls groaned at their tasks, including Ivanka.

"It's not that bad," Jane said, helping her load a machine. She didn't reply. She'd barely said a word to Jane since she reintroduced herself. That didn't stop her from trying. "If you hate it that much, there are other options."

"No more talking," she said, in a thick Russian accent. She snatched a sheet from Jane and pushing it into the machine.

"You hate it here." She could see it in her eyes. Knowing the situation Ivanka was in before, she knew she'd been faced with locked doors. The fear behind her mask was more real than anyone else's. She was almost as innocent as the girls she looked after in the house. "You want freedom, you can have freedom."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're not a criminal," Jane said. "You don't belong here."

"Who says?"

"I know the system, Ivanka." She folded her arms across her chest. "I know people like Albert Frank. He'll let you drown."

"Drown? There is no water, I do not drown."

"He'll tell the cops it was all you, he'll never own his part in what he's done. You will stay in jail."

"Then I stay in jail."

"There are other options."

She paused, a sheet still in her arms. "You told me I go to jail."

"You either take a plea bargain, or you go to jail for a long time."

"Nobody offer me plea bargain."

"They will."

"How do you know?"

A woman screamed. The prison guard shoved her into the room. Everyone looked over, the incident was the highlight of the week and nobody was going to miss out. Jane watched the other women with smiles on their faces.

"You should be working," the guard said.

"I need to see the nurse," she replied, doubled over in pain. Jane froze. Her eyes travelled over the woman's enlarged stomach as she stumbled against the open door.

"Nurse is busy, come back after you've finished working," he said.

"You cannot treat her that way," Ivanka said, rushing toward her.

"Stay out of this," the prison guard shouted, reaching a hand out to stop her.

"No," she said, stepping between the guard and the woman. "She is young girl. She is pregnant. You cannot treat her that way."

Voices raised around Jane. A mist shrouded her until it all faded away. She felt someone shove her shoulder as other women joined Ivanka in the middle of the room. It all happened outside of herself, somewhere in the periphery. Knowing it was there, yet being unable to respond, filled her with regret. Tools were put down. Tasks abandoned. Jane stood on the sidelines staring at the white sheet hanging out of the washing machine. There was nothing particularly interesting about the bleached fabric, but in the middle of drama, it felt like a safe space. In the same feeling, Jane thought her heart was going to break free from her chest. The women chanted, the prison guard retreated, and everybody cheered.

"Stop work," Ivanka said, tugging the sheet out of the machine. Jane came to. Everyone had moved from where they were a few moments before.

"What?"

"No more work," Ivanka said, throwing the sheet across the floor. "We strike."

Jane shook her head. "We can't strike. We're in jail."

"We strike," Ivanka repeated, a smile spread across her face.

x

Maura tossed building blocks into a box and placed it in the corner of the room. She scooped up cars and trucks, dolls and scaled down furniture. Toby put pictures in a pile and tidied away the crayons.

"Good boy," Maura said, standing up. She took her laptop off the coffee table and placed it on the dining table. "Now that's done, it's time for your weekly chat with your dad."

"Do I have to?" he asked, slouching onto the dining chair.

"Yes, you do."

"But I don't ever see him."

"Never." Maura said. A tiny voice, that sounded like Jane, entered the back of her mind, telling her that she was too exhausted and it didn't really matter. She couldn't listen to it. "I never see him."

"See!"

"Sure you do, he's on the computer." Maura entered her password and waited for the program to load.

"No, I mean for real."

"You've seen him for real." She sat down beside him. Maybe that one could pass.

"Not all the time. He doesn't live here with you and Mama and Maggie and Ashley and me."

"No," Maura said, running a hand through his hair. "He doesn't."

"Why not?"

"He has a really important job in China."

"Where's China?"

"It's all the way across the other side of the world." She entered her username and password and logged into the program. "You'll have to find it on your globe at bed time."

"Is it a long way away?"

"A very long way away."

"Can we go?" he asked, sitting upright.

Maura raised an eyebrow. "Would you like to visit your dad?"

"I don't know. What's in China?"

"Well." She clicked on Jack's name and waited for his profile to load. "There's a really long wall that's amazing. They eat Chinese food like noodles and they speak Chinese."

"Like what I learned in school?"

"Yes, when you did the Chinese day you learned how to say hello and goodbye in Chinese."

"Is it fun in China?"

"We could make it fun," Maura said. "We could go to museums, and look at all the old buildings."

"When can we go?"

"It wouldn't be for a while, Maggie's too little to fly all that way. Maybe next summer."

"Why can't we go without her?"

Maura smiled. "Families don't go away without each other."

He folded his arms across his chest. "But Mama went to Uncle Tommy's without us."

"That's because it's interstate." She placed a hand on his back to steady her shaking fingers. "It's different. She'd never go to another country without us."

"But when we went to France, daddy didn't come with us."

"No," Maura said, pressing the call button. "That's because daddy has to spend time with his other children in China. We spend time without him, and he spends time without us."

"That's not fair."

"There are some things in life that aren't, Tobias," Maura said. "Now say hello to Daddy."

x

Angela Rizzoli sat at a table in the middle of the room, staring absently around at the grey-white walls. Standing in the doorway, Jane felt her emotions reach the surface. She'd underestimated her relationship with her mother. When Maura said she was angry, she expected she wouldn't hear from her until her release. Given what happened after Ashley was born, she'd expected a similar level of disappointment. Seeing her again made Jane want to fall into her arms and cry.

"I thought we'd be in one of the big rooms full of people with muscles covered in tattoos, like at the place Tommy stayed," she said, looking at Jane. "Or like that prison show with the lesbians."

"They nearly didn't let me out to see you, there was an incident earlier," Jane said, sitting down opposite her. She rubbed her arm where a guard gripped her too tightly before sending her back to her cell. The after effects of the moment lingered. "I got special treatment."

"I don't know why."

"Ma," she whispered. Her eyes stung. She could feel the tears lingering, threatening to fall.

"Don't you Ma me, Janie," Angela said, cutting her off. "You're in jail. Out of all of the stupid things you've done in your life, this one takes the biscuit."

"It's not what it looks like."

"No?" Angela leaned forward. "You didn't shoot a man who is now dead?"

"Ma, I promise you, I'm going to be out of here soon."

"Well, you shouldn't be. He lost his life, it's only right that you face the consequences. Just like Tommy did. I never thought I'd see two of my children in here. Especially not you."

She wanted to tell her everything. Holding it back filled her head with the words Angela used whenever a murder was reported in the news. Savage. Barbaric. Inhuman. The tears threatening to fall lingered on the surface. She hated the way she was looking at her, with a level of disappointment she'd never seen before. Being pregnant as a teenager and giving the baby away had gone better.

"Ma, I need to see Toby. Maura won't bring him."

"I agree with her," she said. "She couldn't decide and I told her not to."

The air left her lungs at great speed. Jane gasped. She placed her hands over her stomach and grasped at the material of her prison assigned uniform. She couldn't breathe. She missed her son, and everyone keeping him from her made it feel infinitely worse. Her mother had been her last hope. If she couldn't - or wouldn't - talk Maura round, there was no hope.

"Why would you do that?" she whispered, struggling to regain breath.

"Jail is no place for children."

She rubbed at her cheek, at a couple of tears that strolled down her face. "I miss him."

"You should have thought about that before you went trigger happy. I never did like you carrying a gun."

Banging her fists on the table, Jane stood up. "Do you really think I shot him for no reason?"

"Well, no," Angela said, taken aback by Jane's outburst.

"I had a reason, Ma," she said, her voice smaller. She sat back down. Her chest ached.

Angela placed her hand on the table in front of her, inches from Jane's. "I'm sure you did, but you took a life."

She glanced down at the table. Her voice cold and toneless. "I took a dozen lives working as a detective."

"That's different."

She stared at their fingers, at the space between them. Their constant back and forth slipped into a long silence.

Angela's fingers moved over Jane's. "I still love you, Janie. You're my daughter. I will always love you. But right now I'm upset at what you've done."

"You don't understand," she whispered, not lifting her gaze.

"I understand just fine."

"You don't." Jane reclaimed her hand and slipped it back under the table. "I'll be home in a few weeks."

"If you're lucky."

She brushed her knuckles across the side of her face. The day's events were catching up with her. Her hair trailed across her cheeks, providing some comfort from the humiliation of sitting across from her warring mother. Even if she could tell her the truth, there was a small part of her that felt she deserved to be there.

Angela's voice softened. More tears slipped down Jane's cheeks. "How did you get yourself in this mess, Jane?"

"I'm sorry," she said, lowering her gaze further. Beneath the mess of hair and tears, Jane's voice came out weak and useless. "You should go."

"Why are you being this way?"

Silence. Jane focused on her breathing.

"You chose a bad time," Angela said. "Maura's exhausted. She's trying to keep everything together but she's reaching breaking point. She's dealing with a three month old, and Toby. Now because of you she's got Ashley to look after and you to worry about."

It broke her heart knowing what she was putting Maura through. Being so busy, she'd been almost oblivious to it. Putting her relationship at risk was the last thing Jane wanted to do. Being honest about that didn't come easily, however. "She doesn't need to worry about me."

"Doesn't mean she won't. We all do. I love you. You're my baby girl. I just don't know what to do with you right now."

"You don't need to do anything," Jane said, standing up. Her hair covered her face. "I have to go."

"Jane," Angela said, reaching out to her arm, but Jane shrugged her off and headed for the door. "Bye, Jane. I love you."

x

"And they all lived happily ever after."

Maura closed the children's book and placed it on the bedside table. She ran a hand over Toby's forehead and pressed her lips to his skin. He mumbled briefly. Maura froze, and waited for him to settle back down, before sneaking out of the bedroom.

In the hallway, Maggie fussed in her room. Maura rubbed her eyes. She didn't know if age was causing a deterioration to her eyesight or if she was just tired, but she made a mental note to book in for an appointment at the optometrist.

"Hey there baby," she whispered, lifting Maggie out of the crib and rocking her back and forth across the room. She span around, then lowered herself into the chair by the window. Checking Maggie's diaper - clean - Maura pushed her dress aside and helped Maggie to latch on.

A few moments later, she opened her eyes. "Sixty for thousand," she mumbled.

Maggie slept against her breast, her mouth still wrapped around her nipple. A flash of panic filled her. What if she'd dropped her? She returned her to the crib. She was safer there. Maura covered a yawn. It was barely seven. Maura returned to the kitchen. She poured herself a fresh mug of coffee and hoped the caffeine would do its job.

Half an hour later, she stared at the television, somewhere between fully conscious and half asleep. Ideally she would sleep for hours, but she had some reading to do in preparation for her return to work. She still had a few months to go, but things were changing all the time and she needed to keep her skills up.

"Evening," Ashley said, dropping onto the sofa beside Maura.

She forged a smile. After a long day of picking up after the children, Maura doubted she had anything left to give. She ran a hand across Ashley's shoulder, pushing her hair back. "How are you feeling?"

"Better, thank you."

"I'm sorry I couldn't come to the funeral with you today," she said, reaching for her hand. "I wanted to support you."

"It's fine." Ashley tucked her feet under her. "I shouldn't have gone. His wife and children were there."

"Did she know who you were?"

"No. I do think." She sighed. "They seemed so young, his kids. Now they have no father."

She pushed a strand of Ashley's hair back behind her ear. "That's not your fault."

"No," she whispered. "I just wish things had turned out differently."

"He was going to jail, Ash," Maura said. "You know that, don't you? Even if he hadn't died, their lives would have still been turned upside down."

"Sometimes I wonder," she said. "What would have happened if he left them."

"The other day when you said you thought you were pregnant."

"It was just for a moment." She pushed a couple of tears across her skin. "I didn't want to be, I didn't want to have a child in that situation."

"Sometimes the world works out in the very best way."

"Doesn't feel like it."

"No, it doesn't."

"After what happened with Amelia, now Mom's in jail and Chaz is dead. Does it ever get better?"

Maura cupped Ashley's cheek and squeezed her other arm, "Sometimes you've got to go through the darkness to find the light."

"And Mom? Do you think she'll find her way out?"

"I don't know," Maura said, running her thumb across Ashley's cheek. "I think there's more going on than we realise."

Scooting closer, Ashley rested her head against Maura's shoulder. "I love you, Mom."

"Mom?" Maura asked, raising an eyebrow.

Pulling away briefly, Ashley smiled. "You're my Mom, aren't you?"

"I just never thought you'd call me that."

"I don't know why I still call you Maura."

"I love you too," Maura said, wrapping her arms around her and pulling her in close.

x

In the darkness of the jail cell, Jane stared at the ceiling. Every imperfection, every mark, was imprinted in her mind. The longer she lay, silently waiting for the night to pass by, the harder it became to breath. Her lungs wouldn't fill. Her heart raced. Droplets of sweat coated her skin.

In the distance a baby started crying.

"Who's that?" Jane asked.

"Who's what?" her cell mate asked.

"The baby," she said.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

She gasped. Short, sharp breaths slipped out. Her chest ached. "Nothing, sorry."

Staring into the darkness, the baby continued to cry. The darkness moved closer, fall down until Jane felt a sharp pain in her heart. She cried out, but nothing came out of her open mouth. She clutched her chest. Teardrops trailed down the sides of her face, soaking her pillow.

Toby and Maggie flashed through her mind, followed by Ashley, her mother, brothers, and finally Maura. Her beautiful face, her voice, her fingers on her skin.

She closed her eyes. The pain seared through her. Fear crash landed in her tightening chest. This was it. The moment she was going to die, and she was all alone in a jail cell. She squeezed her eyes tightly, begging for it to be less painful. Begging for it all to be over.


	20. Chapter 19

**Author Notes** **: Thank you all for the comments, it sounds like you're just about ready to find out what is going on. Unfortunately this chapter doesn't quite give you the answers that you're looking for - but I promise you the next one will. We're almost there.**

* * *

The corridor was dark and silent. Jane placed one foot in front of the other, each footstep echoed off the concrete walls. She hadn't been outside in days. The jail had become her prison in more ways than one. Her eyelids felt heavy. She couldn't remember the last time she'd slept. When a baby started crying, she froze.

"What you doing, Gina?" Ivanka asked, standing in front of her.

Jane looked up. Her eyes trailed over her face. Focusing on her skin, yet on nothing at all. "Nothing."

"I think I make decision," Ivanka said. "They offer me plea bargain yesterday."

"Great," Jane said.

She stepped aside and walked onward. A prison guard waited for her at the end of the corridor.

"This way," she said, unlocking a door and escorting her through.

x

Dark shadows circled Jane's bloodshot eyes. Her shoulders drooped. Her eyes danced around the room, landing briefly on Maura before moving on again. Her hair hung loose around her face, greasy and uncared for. Her neck was covered in scratches. She slouched into the seat opposite Maura, and drummed her fingers across the table.

"Jane," Maura whispered, resting a hand on her wrist. She didn't expect her to look so…different.

Her fingers stopped moving. Her eyes lifted to Maura's, but it didn't feel much like she was looking at her. She gripped her wrist tighter. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," Jane said, sniffing. She wiped at her nose and slid her hands under the table.

"What's happened?"

Something wasn't right. Despite her attempts to converse, Jane wouldn't even look at her. She shifted in her seat, her hands wrapped around the edges of her chair. The constant movement of her pupils in their sockets unnerved Maura the most.

"I've missed you," Maura said, stretching across the table to touch her arm. Jane flinched under her touch. "Jane."

"Where's Toby?" she asked, looking to the door behind her.

"He's at home with Ashley and Maggie."

"Why isn't he here?"

"You know why."

She rested her elbows on the table and leaned forward. "Why are you keeping him from me?"

"I'm not," Maura said. "I don't want him to see you in here. I don't want him to see you like this."

"I'm fine," she said, staring into Maura's eyes then glancing behind her.

"I don't think you are."

"I need to see him," Jane shouted, placing her palms down on the table. She stood up, her teeth clenched, her temple pulsed. "Get me my son."

Maura retreated into her seat. Jane's outburst was unexpected. The fierceness in her eyes scared her.

"Jane, talk to me, what's going on?" she asked, maintaining a modicum of calm.

"You need to get my son," Jane shouted, her voice growing louder as she kicked her chair from behind her. "Why are you keeping him from me?"

"Jane," she tried again, her voice slow and relaxed. Maura stood up and moved around the table. A lump formed in her throat. She'd never seen Jane like that before. She reached out to her, attempted to pull her into her arms. "It's okay."

"Get me my fucking son," she screamed, pushing Maura away.

She stepped back, rested a hand on the table to steady herself. Jane's attention landed on the floor, her chest heaved. A couple of tears trailed down Maura's cheeks. She rubbed them across her face. Jane banged on the door and the guard opened it.

"Jane," Maura whispered, desperate to help her. But she didn't even look back.

When the door closed behind her, Maura picked up the chair Jane had pushed over and sunk onto it. She placed a hand on her chest. Jane wasn't okay, and she didn't know how to help her. She wanted to take her home, and tuck her up in bed, and call a doctor. But she couldn't do that. The door opened again. A guard stood in the doorway, waiting for her to leave.

"Gina needs help," she said.

"She's fine," the man said.

"She's not." Maura tried again. "I think she's seriously ill."

"We'll get the nurse to see her," he said, brushing off her concern like a crumb on his shoulder.

His blasé attitude didn't fill her with much hope. Before she could fight to get Jane some help, he ushered her through the door towards the exit.

"When will the nurse see Gina?" Maura asked.

"As soon as she can," he said, pushing her through to the exit. She turned to argue back, but he'd already closed the door leaving her alone. With a heavy heart filled with regret, and helplessness, she left.

x

Pacing back and forth across the cell, Jane's chest rose and fell rapidly. She clenched her fist. The fog wouldn't lift. Maura wouldn't let her see her son. Everything was a complete mess. The jail cell felt like a cage, the walls moved inward. She clutched the frame of the bunk and let out an almighty scream.

"Capello, let's go."

Jane turned to the prison guard stood in the doorway. Alan. He was the one who treated Lisa like she was scum on the bottom of his shoe and not a pregnant woman in a difficult place. He was her least favourite person.

"Come on," he said, wrapping a hand around her upper arm.

"No," she said, pushing him away. "I need to see my son."

"You have a visitor."

"Toby?"

"Not today."

He placed a hand on her back. The feel of his fingers against her made her flinch, she twirled around and smacked her fist into his jaw.

"Get off me."

He stumbled back. Dazed. She fought for breath. Her chest ached. When he wrapped his hand around her wrist, she resisted. Pulling both hands behind her back, he held them there. Maybe if she stopped, maybe if she gave in, she could see Toby again. They started walking.

"Wait here," he said, opening the door to the room she'd vacated earlier.

She sat down. Her knuckles hurt, the skin had shifted and a bruise was already forming. She flinched as she touched the broken skin. She pressed down on it, the pain spread through her hand. Closing her eyes, she allowed the pain to increase.

"How are you doing?"

Looking over her shoulder, Gabriel Dean stood in the open doorway. Her hands fell to her sides. She scowled. "Where's my son?"

"Maura seems to think there's something wrong," Dean said, entering the room. He closed the door. He moved across to her side and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm fine," she said. "I just want to see my son."

"Always fine," he said, staring into her eyes. "You've not changed."

"Unless you can let me see my son, I don't care."

"I came because I was in the city and Maura's worried. I also came to tell you that you'll be out of here in a couple days. I was going to wait until everything had been finalised, but since you look like shit I thought it might help."

She reached out to his arm. Digging her nails into his suit jacket. "Then can I see Toby?"

"You can do whatever you like." He lifted her hand away. Analysing her knuckles, he looked into her eyes. "First you're going to get that seen to."

x

Maura checked her cellphone for what must have been the sixtieth time. When she got home from the jail, she checked her messages, despite no indication that anybody had called her. When Toby came home from school she turned her cellphone off and back on again, in case there was a problem. She checked it a few times while making dinner. She checked it whilst Toby had a bath, and again when she put him to bed. She checked it when Ashley disappeared off to the guest house for the night. She didn't stop checking it when Chrissy turned up with a bottle of wine, and long after she'd finished most of it herself.

"How are you really feeling?" Chrissy asked.

"I'll be fine," Maura said.

"That's not what I asked." She rested a hand on Maura's arm. "You've barely had a glass."

"I feel like I need a vacation, not wine."

"I feel like you're avoiding the question," Chrissy said, topping up her glass.

Maura finished the dregs and filled her glass up halfway. She didn't much feel like drinking. The company was enough to take her mind off Jane for a moment. She checked her phone again. After phoning Gabriel Dean, he assured her he would sort it out. She expected a response. Having not explicitly stating that she required one, she assumed he must have thought otherwise.

"I feel like if I talk about what is happening right now, I won't be able to look after my children," she said, putting the glass down.

"Has Jane got a date for her trial yet?"

"No." She pursed her lips. The 'trial' was the least of her concern. It would never reach that point.

She replayed the earlier conversation with Jane in her mind. Maybe she was mistaken. Maybe Jane was just angry that she refused to bring Toby with her. But she knew her psychology. She had retrained in forensic psychiatry because she had an interest in the psychological impact on prisoners. She knew enough to know that Jane's behaviour was concerning. Even more so considering the niggles she'd had when Jane was home.

"It must be so hard," Chrissy said. "I'm so sorry you're going through this."

"There's nothing I can do right now," Maura said, checking her cellphone again. "I just have to wait."

x

A light flashed above Jane's head. The guard had dropped her in the doorway and disappeared. After closing the door, Jane found herself stood in a clinical room surrounded by the flashing light and a blaring siren. Jane stared up at the orange light fitting. It was the first time she'd heard the alert. but she knew all too well what it meant; lockdown. She reached back to the door.

Locked.

"Hello?" she shouted, hoping that the nurse was hiding out in an office somewhere.

A loud scream filled the air, overshadowing the equally noisy siren. Jane froze. Her eyebrows creased together. She walked past a partition wall to the other side. Lay on the examination bed was the pregnant prisoner, her legs up on either side of the bed, her face contorted as she cried.

Through the fog, Jane could see the look of horror in her eyes. She stepped closer and wrapped a hand around the prisoner's. "It's gonna be fine, Lisa."

"Where's the nurse?"

"I don't know," Jane said, wincing as Lisa's hand gripped tightly around hers.

"Sorry," she whispered. "My waters broke a couple hours ago. She said she'd be right back but she didn't come back."

Jane's eyes landed on Lisa's enlarged stomach. The pain of Lisa gripping her hand kept her in the room. The smallest of mercy as she felt herself drifting. She swallowed a lump in her throat. When Lisa's grip loosened, Jane tried to return to her spot on the other side of the wall.

"Don't go," Lisa said, her knuckles white against the edges of the bed frame.

"How long between contractions?"

She could hear someone speaking, but she didn't recognise the voice. She turned, but there was nobody else there.

"A few minutes."

"Do you feel like pushing?" Again.

Lisa nodded. Her fingers tightened around the bed and she scrunched her eyes up in pain. Jane's hands shook at her sides. She stepped back, gripping the material of her clothing.

"Don't go," Lisa screamed into her contraction. "I think I can feel the head."

Looking down at the gown she was wearing, Jane lifted the edge. "There's a head."

A few minutes later, Jane stood at a distance, staring at the head as it moved further out of the birth canal. She swallowed a lump in her throat. Her chest ached, her whole body felt like it was going to collapse the longer she stood there. She moved forward. A baby stared crying in the distance. She froze and turned. Her eyes danced around the room. She looked back down between Lisa's legs but the baby was still immersed.

"I can't," Jane said, staring at Lisa. The panicked look in her eyes filled Jane with regret, and guilt. She shook her head and stepped back. Lisa held onto her arm. She couldn't do it. She fought for freedom.

"There's nobody else," Lisa said.

Jane rested her hands on the bottom of the bed. She stared down at the space under the gown. What felt like a moment later, a screaming baby wriggled in her arms. Tears strolled involuntarily down her cheeks. She cradled the baby, staring down at his wrinkled face. He cried. The sound echoed around the room. He looked so perfect. The noise increased. Jane reached over and placed the child into his mother's arms. He reclaimed her shaking hands and cupped them around her ears. The noise barely subsided.

She stumbled backwards, onto the floor. Her knees gave way and she fell against the wall. Every breath felt like a pile of bricks crushing her lungs. Her hands were soaked in blood and bodily fluids.

"What happened?" she asked, looking from hand to hand. She rubbed them against the legs of her overalls but they wouldn't get clean. She pressed them back and forth across the now stained legs of her uniform. Over and over and over.

x

"I wish I was as strong as you," Chrissy said, placing her wine glass down on the coffee table.

"I don't feel very strong," Maura said.

Leaning forward, Chrissy rested a hand on Maura's knee. "You're the strongest person I know."

"I thought that was your wife."

"No," Chrissy said. "She's weak. She's a lying, weak...she's so weak."

Maura raised an eyebrow. "Is there something you want to talk about?"

"There's no point. She lied. She cheated. She left me."

"Oh." Maura placed her hand on her upper arm. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," Chrissy said, swaying back and forth. "I hate what she's done, but I love her. I still love her."

"I don't think it's easy to turn off feelings, by any stretch of the imagination."

"Why wasn't she stronger?"

"I don't know," Maura said, squeezing her shoulder. "You can get through this."

"I don't know what I'd do without your friendship, Maura."

Maura sighed. "Everything is up in the air at the moment, but I'm here for you."

"Thank you."

Chrissy wrapped her arms around Maura and pulled her into a tight embrace. The comfort brought tears to Maura's eyes. She was far from strong. She felt weaker than she'd ever felt before. She wiped at her face. She needed to check her phone. She needed to pull herself together before Maggie woke up.

"You are so important to me," Chrissy said, pulling back. She reached out to Maura's cheek and stroked her fingers along it. She moved forward. "So important."

Lips landed on Maura's. She froze. Her eyes darted down to the face pressed against her own. She pushed against Chrissy's shoulder, forcing her backward.

"No."

"I'm sorry," Chrissy said, running her fingertips along her mouth. "I thought."

"That is never going to happen," Maura cut her off. She stood up. "Your marriage may be in crisis, but I love my wife. It's been difficult recently but we've got through worse and we will get through this. Please leave."

"Don't make me go." Chrissy shook her head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean, it was a mistake."

"I don't have the energy to deal with this right now," Maura said, pinching the bridge of her nose.

Her cellphone buzzed on the table. Maura snatched it up and stared down at the unfamiliar number on the screen. She answered it, her eyes warily watching Chrissy as she gathered up her jacket.

"Pardon?" Maura asked, holding her phone to her ear. "I'll be right there."

She dropped her phone onto the table. She made a list in her mind; ask Ashley to babysit, find my jacket, get my purse, don't forget to send Chrissy home. She ran through the items over and over. She turned around, trying to decide what to do first.

"What's wrong?"

"I, I have to go." She picked up her purse from the floor and placed her cellphone into it.

"What's happened?"

"I don't know." Tears pricked the corners of Maura's eyes. Her chest heaved with every heavy breath. "Jane's been taken to hospital."


	21. Chapter 20: flashback

**Author Notes** **: This is what you've all been waiting for. You finally get to find out what happened to Jane. Thank you so much for your patience, the fact you're still reading this is pretty awesome. I hope this has been worth it. But please, please read the warning before you proceed. Also, please review!**

 **Warning** **: This chapter contains a traumatic death. I appreciate that difficult subjects can be hard for some to read about, and this chapter will probably be more difficult than most. If it's too hard, you can always wait for the next one, where I will summarise what has happened within it.**

* * *

 **~ Five Years Ago**

"I have a rotation this morning, I'll be back after lunch," Maura said. She placed a hand on Jane's shoulder and leaned in. Moving her hand down her front, Maura trailed her fingers across Jane's enlarged stomach. "Be good for Mama. Don't let her work too hard on the nursery until I get home."

"If you didn't have to go to work we could work on it now," Jane said, sticking out her lower lip.

Maura pressed her lips to the corner of her mouth. "I'm sorry. I won't be long. I mean it, you're twenty-eight weeks pregnant, Jane, now isn't the time for you to be doing this alone."

"I'm pregnant, I'm not an invalid."

Maura raised an eyebrow. "Ashley said she'd pick Toby up, so we can work on it all afternoon."

Munching on her last slice of toast, Jane watched Maura leave. She hated spending the day alone. Since becoming pregnant, she'd lost more and more of her independence. While she knew she could still take Toby to preschool, Ashley and her mother had insisted on taking on some of the workload.

Once Maura had gone, Jane sighed. She rolled her hands around her front. "I wish Mommy didn't have to leave. Just a couple more months until we get to meet you and then she'll stay home for a little while."

She washed up the breakfast dishes and went upstairs. Funny how everybody wanted to take Toby to school but nobody offered to help with the breakfast dishes. Jane pouted. The nursery was a mess, as it had been for months. Two cans of paint sat, unopened, on the floor. The old carpet was rolled up in a corner awaiting removal. A set of ladders leaned against the wall.

"Maybe we should have hired somebody, like Mommy suggested."

A fist, or foot, collided with the inside of her womb. Jane placed a hand over the location of the baby's movement. She took a deep breath, soaking up the feeling of her daughter inside of her. Everything was falling into place just how it was supposed to. They were a family, and their newest recruit was preparing nicely.

"We should set up," Jane said, opening the ladders and pushing them toward a wall. She pulled out a painting tray and roller. It wouldn't take long; it just took making some time. Jane checked her watch, barely half an hour had passed since Maura left. "I don't know what Maura's so worried about, it's only a bit of paint."

She picked up a screwdriver, and after a little maneuvering, placed the paint can on one of the rungs of the ladder. She prized open the lid and tipped it into the tray.

"Don't tell Mommy, we'll pretend Uncle Frankie came over to help."

Running the roller through the paint, she spread it across the wall. A warm, springtime, green coated the previously white walls, brightening up the room in an instant. Jane pushed the roller over more white space. Dipping it back into the tray, she continued on up as far as she could reach. She stepped up onto the bottom rung of the ladder and reached up further, then another, and another, until she perched beside the paint pot.

"Easy as pie," Jane said, absentmindedly talking to the baby. "I hope Mommy brings home some pie for lunch. She knows it's my favourite right now. Or _your favourite_."

She stepped down the ladder and pushed it across to the other side of the wall. She continued painting, climbing the ladder once more to finish off a complete section of the wall. Feeling an element of pride, Jane admired her handy work. Contrary to popular belief, she was not incapable of continuing to fix up the nursery, and she planned to inform Maura of that later.

She placed her foot on the lower rung of the ladder. She clung to the frame, placed another foot down. When she lowered her foot it caught the edge of the paint can, causing it to slip off the step and tumbled to the floor. Paint covered the ladders. Jane groaned.

"I am such a klutz," she shouted.

She moved quickly down to the next rung. As her foot made contact with the paint covered step, she felt it slide out from under her. She slipped backward, her hands reached out to the frame. She caught the metal of the ladders, but her feet didn't make it. The moment between dropping and landing spread out for what felt like an eternity. Regret shrouded her decisions from that morning onward. The ladder provided no stability, but she didn't let go. She landing painfully on her ankle. It twisted out from under her, cracking loudly. A pain shot through her foot. She couldn't withstand her own weight. Jane stumbled backward, still gripping the ladder. When she fell back, the ladder moved with her.

The floor collided with her back. A pain shot through Jane's lower back. She screamed. The ladder toppled over, landing on top of her with an almighty crash.

Every gasp for air sent her into a spin. Her lower back ached, a sharp pain spread through her pelvis. Tears filled her eyes. She wrapped her hands around her stomach. The ladder rested uncomfortably against her leg, held at an angle only by the edge of her baby bump.

She closed her eyes. This wasn't happening. Maura would be home soon. Jane hadn't been a stupid, idiotic, 'I can do everything' person. She hadn't endangered her baby's life. She was simply lay in bed, a natural niggle in her back from the act of growing a child.

When she opened her eyes again, tears clouded her sight. She hadn't moved. The ladder still rested against her stomach. She was still lay on the floor, pain spasms making any small movement unbearable.

In the commotion, she didn't notice the wet stain forming around her maternity pants. When the warm liquid soaking into the material became apparent, she felt an unfamiliar pain spread through her abdomen.

x

It had been a fantastic day right up until the drive home. Retraining as a forensic psychiatrist was a challenge that Maura was almost certainly willing to take. She'd been around enough criminals, or the victims of criminals, to know that it was a field she could make great strides in. The timing was not exactly perfect, given that they were about to have a baby, but she was happy. After everything they'd been through with Toby's birth, and the after effects, her whole life was finally falling into place.

When she unlocked the front door, she was not surprised to find Jane nowhere in sight. She'd promised to be home after lunch and it was almost three in the afternoon. Multiple delays on the roads had set her back over an hour.

"Jane?" she shouted, taking the stairs up to the first floor.

She anticipated Jane would have already started the nursery without her. It wasn't in her nature to wait. They'd put it off long enough. The upper floor of the house was quiet. She checked their bedroom first, just in case, then pushed open the door to the nursery.

"Jane!" she screamed, placing a hand over her mouth. In all of her visions of Jane painting the nursery without her, lying on the floor with the ladders on top of her was not one of them. She rushed forward, kneeling on the floor. She pushed the ladder away from her. "Jane, are you okay?"

The dazed look in her eyes worried her. Jane stared at her with a desperation she'd never seen before. Her silence was alarming. She ran her fingers across her body, searching for signs of injury.

"Ahh." Jane leaned forward, lifting her head up off the floor. She clutched her abdomen. Maura continued her examination, she pressed again gently, and Jane double over.

"Where does it hurt?"

"If I move, it goes through me."

"I think you've damaged your pelvis," she said, running her hand across Jane's face. She leaned closer, peppering her with kisses, before placing her folded up jacket under her head. "It's going to be okay. We'll get you an ambulance. Everything's going to be fine. How long have you been lying here?"

"Since this morning," Jane whispered, her voice low and toneless.

Maura pulled away to dial 911. Jane grasped for her wrist. She wrapped her hand tightly around Maura's skin, too tightly. Staring into Jane's eyes, she could see pain. It hurt to ignore her, but she needed to get help.

Hanging up the phone a few moments later, she cupped Jane's cheeks. "They're going to be a little while. There's been a pile up on the freeway. It was a nightmare getting home, I'm so sorry I'm late."

Now that help was on its way – if a little slowly – she could refocus her attention on Jane. Leaning down to examine the baby, Jane's hand tightened around her wrist. Her face twisted up, and she let out a great gasp, followed by a number of slow pants.

"What just happened?" Maura asked, pressing gently around the edge of her stomach. A blank expression stared back at her. Maura stroked her hand down Jane's cheek. She needed answers, she needed an ambulance, she needed someone to airlift them out of there. "Jane, what is it?"

A flash of horror spread across her face. "I've been having contractions."

"It's fine," Maura said, forging a smile. She reexamined the baby bump. "These things happen. As long as your waters haven't broken, everything will be fine. How often?"

She could hear the waver in her voice. Despite knowing otherwise, she hoped that Jane couldn't hear it too. Without an ambulance, their baby was at risk of being born too early and Maura didn't have the resources to deal with that. If they were in the hospital they could whisk her off to the NICU, they could pump Jane with steroids to assist the baby's lungs. Right now, on the floor of the nursery, there was nothing Maura could do but monitor Jane and wait.

"Every, few," Jane gritted her teeth.

The obvious signs of another contraction came and went. Maura closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. She shook her head. They had time. They had to have time. She ignored everything she knew about labour.

"Everything's going to be okay," Maura said, wiping tears and sweat from Jane's forehead. The more she said it, the more she hoped it would be true.

Jane tried to speak, but tears caught up in her throat. After repeating herself a couple of times, Maura could hear the words that sent a chill down her spine. "My waters broke when I fell."

"I'm going to get some towels and hot water, I'll be back as soon as I can," she said, standing up and rushing out of the room. When she returned, she knelt down beside Jane and wiped at her sweat covered forehead. "You and our beautiful daughter are going to be just fine."

"Don't leave," Jane whispered, clutching her dress.

Tears clouded Maura's eyes but she maintained eye contact. "I promise I won't go anywhere. The ambulance is on its way."

"The accident," Jane said.

"I know," Maura replied. "I know, but they're coming."

She redialed 911 on her cell phone and updated the handler on Jane's situation. She took the moment to brush tears from her cheeks. She needed to be strong. She was the only one who knew what to do.

"They're coming," Maura repeated, placing her cell phone on the floor.

"Maura?"

She blew a bubble of spit, Maura's name came out in the middle of it, lost in a moment of ugly tears. But they weren't ugly to Maura. She wiped at Jane's face with the cloth, fighting her own body's desire to break down. She needed to be strong.

"The baby stopped moving a couple hours ago."

Words caught in the back of Maura's throat. She froze. Her fingers wrapped tightly around Jane's hand loosened. She sat a little taller, stoicism spread quickly across her face, but inside her heart was breaking.

Before she could ask anymore questions, Jane screamed. Her hand wrapped tighter around the edge of Maura's dress, her other hand placed over the front of her stomach. Maura closed her eyes as she felt the familiarity of a woman in the second stage of active labour. She took a moment to compose herself. But when she opened her eyes and Jane stared back, she felt herself crumble inside.

"Okay," Maura said, maintaining a modicum of calm. She crawled around to Jane's legs and reached for the elasticated waistband. "I'm going to have a look and see what's going on."

Pulling the pants carefully away, Maura cringed as Jane winced in pain. She hated hurting her. She cleared her throat and slipped the fabric down her legs. Once she'd discarded them, she carefully pulled Jane's legs apart.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, as Jane whimpered with every movement. "I can see the head."

"What?" Jane's eyes opened wide.

Deep down Maura knew that Jane knew what was happening, but the look in her eyes made her wonder just how much she fully understood. She clasped a hand around Jane's and stared into her eyes, holding her attention.

"We're going to do this together. When you feel the next contraction, you're going to need to push."

A minute later, Jane's face twisted up and she gripped Maura's hand tightly. With an almighty groan, the baby moved toward the exit of the birth canal. Maura reached out her hands, cupping them around the top of the baby's head.

Falling back against the floor, Jane whimpered; slow, sharp gasps laced with tears. Maura held the baby's head in one hand and reached out for Jane with her other.

"I can't do this." She squeezed back. "Do you think she's okay?"

Maura swallowed a lump as it formed in the back of her throat. She gripped Jane's fingers and averted her gaze. She honestly didn't have an answer to that question. A few moments later, with another push, the baby moved further out. It took another couple of contractions for the baby to squirm her way completely out.

"Is she okay?" Jane asked, glancing over to where Maura had turned her back.

She held the baby in her arms, her tiny face so perfectly formed. She cut the cord. She ran her fingers across her mouth and lowered her ear to her face. She couldn't feel any breaths. The baby didn't even move. After a quick assessment, she squeezed the baby's nose and breathed deeply into her lungs. Then pressed down against her chest. She felt the crush of her rib cage as it moved under her touch. The longer she worked, the more she knew the result. After a few minutes, her shoulders dropped and her eyes fell to the floor.

"Maura?"

She fought against the tears that threatened to fall. Everything inside of her was breaking and she couldn't find a way to stop it. When she turned back to Jane, their daughter in her arms, her resolve rebuilt. She forged a sympathetic smile and lowered the child into her arms.

"I'm so, so sorry."

Jane's chest shook with each great gasping sob, her hands wrapped tightly around their daughter's body. Maura sat beside her, watching her fall apart, yet unable to do anything but be there. She wiped at her cheeks.

"It's my fault," Jane whispered, still cradling the baby.

"No."

Leaning down beside Jane, Maura wrapped an arm around them both. She pushed her face against the crook of Jane's neck and lay there with them until the ambulance arrived.

* * *

 **Author Notes : If you've made it this far, you deserve something fluffier (perhaps even smuttier?) - check out the one shot 'Uniform' (rated M for sexual content) because it's 5000+ words that are the complete opposite of this.**


	22. Chapter 21

**Author Notes** **: Thank you so much to all of you. I was really quite excited about sharing the last chapter with you, but given the mixture of comments on previous chapters, I was nervous too. Thank you for all understanding Jane's actions and for the lovely comments. You all make this worth it. I'm not sure how many more chapters there will be, but I'm hoping for some fluffier moments in the coming chapters...**

* * *

The sounds of her shoes clacking across the tiled floor reverberated around her. The gentle hubbub of medical professionals conversing filled the silences. Maura didn't stop until she'd reached the nurse's station. The hospital smell provoked such mixed emotions; Toby's birth and her subsequent stay in the hospital, Maggie's birth and Jane's absence, the day of Amelia's death. She could still remember the ambulance ride clearly. Jane wouldn't let go of the baby. She had a hairline fracture in her pelvis from the fall, she'd given birth naturally to their daughter despite the pain of her injury, and together they faced a future where their tiny daughter would not grow. She closed her eyes momentarily. The threat of tears consumed her.

This was her fault.

"I'm here to see Jane Rizzoli, she was brought in from the county jail."

The nurse's eyes narrowed. Maura could see the judgement wash over her. She followed her down the corridor, heel taps followed the squeak of sneakers. On the other side of the door, Jane sat in the bed, her eyes fixed on the far wall.

"Hey there," she said, taking tentative steps toward her. She reached out to Jane's shoulder and trailed her hand up and down her arm. Jane didn't move. She didn't even look at her. Maura lowered herself onto the plastic chair provided for visitors. She cupped Jane's hand neatly into her own and stroked her fingers back and forth over her knuckles. "I spoke to somebody from the jail, they said you really helped one of the prisoners out. You did so well making sure her baby came into this world safely."

Nothing.

Maura brushed tears from her eyelids. This wasn't supposed to be their future. They'd been through so much already. It wasn't fair. She stood up. Scooting onto the hospital bed beside Jane, she kicked her shoes off onto the floor and placed them on the bed.

"Everything's going to be okay now," she whispered, wrapping her arms around Jane's shoulders. She rested her head against her arm and clung to her wife. "We'll get you moved to a specialist mental health facility and we'll deal with this together, as a family."

When the Attending came round, Maura climbed off the bed and they moved out into the corridor.

"I'm Doctor Joplin, I'll be looking after Jane while she's in here."

"Doctor Maura Isles," she she, holding her hand out.

"Jane appears to have suffered a breakdown," he said, shaking her hand. "She was admitted in her current state. We've assessed her pupil reaction and there's no sign of physical issues. But we've been unable to reach her emotionally."

"So, you don't have a diagnosis?" she asked.

"Without a full picture of her history, and given the fact that your wife won't speak to us, it's difficult to determine what has happened. But she is in good hands."

Maura rubbed her temple. A dull ache settled down beneath her skull. She desperately needed something more than he was currently giving her. She already had her own ideas about what Jane was going through. Until she had an official diagnosis, she was not willing to wait around.

"Five, five years ago my wife was seven months pregnant when she fell off a ladder. She suffered a blow to the abdomen and after a traumatic birth, our daughter died. Three months ago I gave birth to another child, but Jane's behaviour was somewhat abnormal in the weeks running up to that. From speaking to a prison guard at the county jail, where my wife was temporarily incarcerated, she was left alone with a prisoner in active labour. Due to lockdown she was forced to assist the woman in giving birth."

He frowned and made a note on his computer tablet. "You're thinking post traumatic stress?"

"There have also been instances where she has zoned out of reality, though I do not know to which degree. Jane is a very private person. It is without a doubt that she will have been suffering alone. When I last saw her she exhibited signs of delusion."

"Thank you, Doctor Isles," he said, making notes. "We will continue to monitor Jane over the next twenty four hours. You're welcome to stay with her for as long as you need."

"Thank you," Maura said.

She returned to the room. Jane turned as she closed the door behind her, her eyes fixed on Maura's. She swallowed. Tears threatened to fall again. Maura stepped toward the bed. There was a look of panic in her eyes. All she wanted to do was pull her into her arms and tell her how much she loved her.

"Where's Amelia?"

Maura stepped back. She lowered her gaze. The fact that Jane had finally come out of her latest episode enough to talk was a huge step in the right direction. But her question only worried Maura further.

"Oh Jane," she whispered, closing the gap between them. She scooped her hand up and held it against her chest. "She died, five years ago."

"No," Jane said, shaking her head. "I heard her crying."

"That was Lisa's baby. She's doing really well because of you."

"No." Jane clenched her fist around the bedsheets. Her eyes fixed on Maura's, narrowing with every second that passed. "No, it was Amelia."

"I'm sorry, Jane." She lowered her gaze. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I wish I'd realised what was going on sooner. I didn't realise you were this bad."

Jane rolled her eyes. "I'm fine, I just need to see Amelia."

"I'm sorry, she's not here. She died."

"No. She didn't."

"Jane, please."

"She didn't die." Jane sat upright, reclaiming her hand from Maura. She wrapped her fingers around the edges of the bed, and pushed against the frame. "She's alive. I heard her. Where is she?"

Maura rested a hand on Jane's shoulder. "It's okay."

"No, it's not." She raised her voice. Her fists turned white as she gripped the bed tighter. "I need to see my baby."

Maura pressed the button for assistance and stepped back. Jane's eyes darted around the room, her arms flung against the frame of the bed and the mattress below her. A fit of rage consumed her and all Maura could do was watch. When the tears streamed down Jane's cheeks, Maura left the room.

A woman in scrubs approached her. "Is everything okay?"

"She's talking," Maura whispered. "But she's delusional."

"I'll get Doctor Joplin."

From the corridor, Maura could still hear the sound of Jane screaming and banging against the bed. She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. She knew she should have been in there, doing everything she could to calm Jane down, but her heart was breaking. People rushed past her. She pawed at her cheeks, brushing the tears from her eyes.

"Maura?"

She looked up as Angela rushed down the corridor. Her mother-in-law wrapped her arms tightly around her shoulders and Maura sunk into her embrace. She shook with great gasping sobs. The feel of Angela's hand on the back of her head calmed her.

"Doctor Isles?"

Doctor Joplin stood in front of her, his arms rested at his sides. Maura wiped at her cheeks and searched his face for any cues that could give away what he was about to tell her.

"This is Jane's mother, Angela," she said, filling the silence.

"I wish we could meet under better circumstances," he said, shaking her hand.

"What's happening, Doctor?" she asked.

"From what Maura has told us, and Jane's current state, I'm going to make a tentative diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder with psychosis."

"What does that mean?"

Angela's fingers tightened around Maura's arm. She placed her hand over Angela's fingers. It was a blessing to understand exactly what Doctor Joplin was saying, she couldn't begin to imagine what it was like for Angela.

"The death of her daughter may have caused this."

"Amelia?"

"It's the likely cause," Maura replied.

"But that was five years ago, she was fine. She was okay until..." Angela trailed off.

"Until Maggie," Maura said.

Doctor Joplin cleared his throat. "We've sedated her for the time being, while we look at treatment options. We'll continue to monitor her over the next few hours."

"When will she get better?" Angela asked, looking from the doctor to Maura. "She's going to get better, right?"

Maura lowered her gaze. Doctor Joplin stepped in, "With a condition such as post traumatic stress disorder, it can be especially difficult to determine when, or if, recovery will occur. We remain hopeful, but just don't know how well Jane will respond to treatments."

"What treatments?" Angela asked, turning back to Maura. She wiped at a couple of tears trailing down her nose. "Is she going to be okay?"

"It's going to be a long road ahead," Maura said. "But we'll be here to support her. Every step of the way."

x

A new fog clouded Jane's brain. She lay in the hospital bed, her eyes fixed on the closed door. She could hear Maura's voice, but she couldn't reach her. It felt like she'd jumped off a bridge again, except this time she came out barely lucid and unable to comprehend the basics. Deep down she knew she was in a hospital, but trying to put that into words seemed impossible.

"Jane."

The door opened a moment before Jane realised what was happening. She lifted her head, then lowered it again. She felt like the trunk of a tree, difficult to move, but possible to roll over.

"Ma," she whispered, the voice was tiny and useless. She didn't know if Angela even heard her speak, until her face softened, the worry etched across it barely shifted.

She leaned over and scooped Jane up into her arms. "My baby."

Something clicked in her mind. She flinched. She lay back against the pillows and stared into her mother's sorrow filled eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean," she muttered. She stood up and moved across the room. Jane could see her slide her palms across her face. She knew that meant tears, but connecting that thought into sympathy seemed impossible. She turned back, a smile plastered across her face. "We're going to get you some help."

"Maura," Jane said. The door was still closed and Maura wasn't in the room. She knew she'd been there, she'd seen her, she'd heard her. She just couldn't reach her.

"She'll be back soon."

Reaching out her hand, Jane grasped it. She turned it over in her fingers. The familiarity of her mother's skin pushed through the confusion. She breathed in the scent of her hand cream, as familiar to her as her own hands. Angela perched on the edge of the bed.

"Why didn't you talk to me, Janie?"

She stared into her eyes. She could see the comfort, the warmth, the love. Droplets trailed down her cheeks, an unexpected show of emotion. She watched her mother wipe them away. Held onto her wrist until her fingers cupped Jane's cheek and she could feel...something.

"Maura's making some calls. We'll find you the best facility."

"I want to go home," she whispered.

"Not yet," Angela replied, brushing her hair back from her face.

Jane closed her eyes. Her mother's hand kept moving back and forth over her head, over her cheeks. She relaxed against her touch. Her earliest memories flooded her mind; of spaghetti in the garden of her childhood home, of Frankie hitting her with a stick when she wouldn't let him play with her baseball, of her mother's arms wrapped around her as she cried.

x

The children were asleep when Maura returned home. She didn't want to leave Jane's bedside, but after a dose of sleeping tablets, Jane went to sleep. Angela agreed to stick around, and phone her if there were any problems. Maura placed her jacket on the hook by the door and walked into the living room. A lamp barely illuminated the room. She slouched onto the couch beneath it and stared at her hands in her lap. She hadn't had time to think in a few hours, somewhere in the midst of distraction, Maura had forgotten to express. She pushed her palms across her engorged breasts, until milk soaked her dress. Tears welled up in her eyes. She didn't have the energy to deal with her body's need for release. With the added stress, she'd supplemented Maggie's feeds with formula for a couple of weeks. Expressing was the least of her worries, aside from the uncomfortable feeling and embarrassment caused by the wet circles on her outfit.

"Mom?"

Across the room, Ashley rubbed at her eyes. Beside her, Toby clung to her hand, his face puffy and red. On catching sight of Maura, he flung across the room and curled up in her lap. Sniffing back tears, Maura pulled in close. The smell of ammonia coupled with a dampness seeping into the skirt of her dress caused her a moments hesitation. But it had been a long day. Maura closed her eyes. She breathed in the scent of her son's skin; strawberry shampoo mixed with an accident in the night.

"He peed the bed," Ashley said, sitting down beside them.

"We'll get cleaned up," Maura said, kissing Toby's face. He snuggled against her. "Did Ashley talk to you about what's been going on?"

"I didn't know what to say," she said.

Maura cupped Toby's cheeks. "I need you to be a really big boy, do you think you can do that for me?"

"Yes." He nodded his head against her hands.

"Everything is going to be okay. Mama is in the hospital. She's not feeling very good at the moment."

"Did she catch a bug from Uncle Tommy?"

"No," Maura said. "It's not that kind of sick. You remember when we talked about your sister, Amelia?"

"She doesn't live with us because she died."

"That's right." Maura smiled. "When Amelia died it made Mommy and Mama really, really sad. You were only small so you probably don't remember. You spent a lot of time with Ashley and Nonna. When Maggie was born it made Mama think about Amelia and it made her sad again."

"Did it make you sad again too?"

"It did." She pressed her lips to his forehead. "I'm okay. But Mama got so sad that she had to go to the hospital."

"When will she come home?"

"It won't be for a little while." Maura tucked the strands of Toby's hair back behind his ears. She made a mental note to book him in for a hair appointment. "She's going to go to a special hospital soon where they'll make sure she's feeling better."

"Can I see her?"

"Not tomorrow." Maura said. "But when she's settled in the special hospital we'll make a trip over there."

"Can Maggie come?"

Maura closed her eyes. She didn't have an answer, hadn't even asked herself the same question. She'd been too concerned about Jane that she forgot to question whether she'd ever be well enough to be a mother to their daughter. She pressed her fingertips to her eyelids. In an attempt to stem the tears, Maura didn't notice Toby's hands wrap tightly around her arm. He stood up and kissed her head.

"Don't be sad, Mommy. Mama will be home soon."

She encircled her arms around his waist and lifted him back onto her lap. The damp patches on his pyjamas pants had already soaked through to her dress. She didn't care. She clung to her son, the brightest bulb in the middle of the darkest winter.

"Ash?"

Maura peered across to Ashley. She sat on the chair beside them. A crease had formed between her eyebrows, her eyes glistened under the dull light.

"Come here," Maura said, holding her arm out to her. She stood up and closed the gap, curling up on the other side of Toby. Maura tightened her arms around them both. "If we work really hard to look after each other, we'll be okay. I promise."


	23. Chapter 22

**Author Notes** **: Hoping to get this story finished soon, though it'll take a few more chapters.**

* * *

"Doctor Barker will be along soon to speak to you about your medication. I've arranged for a full therapeutic treatment plan. You'll have a session with a therapist every other afternoon, alternating with group therapy, and art therapy every morning."

Maura pushed a pillow into the space behind Jane's back and patted it. She trailed her hand across Jane's shoulder.

"You want me to paint?" Jane asked, rolling her eyes as she leaned back in her seat.

Maura smiled and cupped her cheek. "Nice to see you've not lost your sarcasm."

Trying to sleep at some point in the last twelve hours didn't work. She was exhausted, but between Toby crawling into her bed in the middle of the night, Maggie's feeds, and her own brain's inability to shut off, she was suffering.

"I feel great," Jane said, though her smile barely reached the corners of her mouth. "Pop me full of pills and I'm back to normal."

Normal she was not. She'd had a break down. Every time she spoke, Jane sounded tired. Her eyes were dark circles. According to reports from the nurses at the hospital, when Maura picked her up for transfer to the mental health facility, Jane hadn't slept. She crouched down in front of the chair and grasped at her fingers.

"You have a long journey, but this facility comes highly recommended."

"Highly recommended by who?"

"By Doctor Stephenson who I work alongside."

"Not any patients then." She retracted her hands and stuffed them underneath her legs. "I don't want to paint."

"Art therapy doesn't have to be paint. You could make a sculpture, or holiday cards." Maura stood up and picked her purse up from the floor. "I'll let you settle in, I'll see you later today."

Fingers grasped at her wrist, wrapping round her skin like a brand new hair tie. Maura stopped. She braced herself before looking into Jane's eyes. All she could see was darkness. She'd looked into so many people's eyes over the last few years, into the souls of people with harrowing stories and broken lives. Every pair of eyes was imprinted in her brain like a collage of suffering. She'd become desensitised to it. It was normal.

"Don't go."

It would never be normal in Jane. She rested one hand over Jane's wrist, and with her other, interlinked their fingers. She squeezed against her palm.

"I'm not going anywhere," she said, kneeling on the floor.

The tiled floor hurt her knees, the longevity of sitting in the same position. Jane's fingers never loosened around her wrist, or her hand. She clung to her like a frightened kitten after being pulled from the top of a tree. After a while, she rested her head against her lap and felt Jane's hands move around the back of her head. Tears trailed down her cheeks. She pushed them away from her fingertips. Jane needed her support. Falling apart was not an option. She untangled herself from Jane and stood up.

"I really must go," she said, turning her back on Jane and running her fingers along the edges of her eyelids.

"You can cry," Jane said.

She lowered her head. She could cry, but she didn't want to. She didn't want Jane to have to deal with her emotions. She was strong enough to deal with them on her own. Except that when Jane spoke, her voice didn't carry its usual sound. It was flat and toneless. Long ago she'd learned the patterns of her voice, could note when she was being sarcastic, or aloof, or playful. She'd forged a place in her memory for the voice of the woman she loved more than anything. She wiped her sleeve over her eyes.

"I'm ill," Jane said. "I'm a fucking mess. Whatever they gave me, I'm not even sure if this is all some kind of crazy dream. My head is a big ball of cotton candy. But if it's making you cry, don't pretend it's not."

She turned back to Jane. "Somebody needs to be strong."

"Nobody needs to be anything." Jane reached her hand out across the space. Maura stepped forward, accepting her hand. She leaned over and wrapped her arms tightly around Jane's body. "Sit down."

"I need," Maura began, but Jane cut her off.

"Sit."

She lowered herself onto Jane's lap, her arms tangled around her neck. She pushed her face against Jane's. They'd been so disconnected for months, so broken apart, that Maura had doubted if they could ever get back to where they were before. She smelled exactly the same; she felt identical in her arms. Jane's fingertips touched her cheeks. Maura closed her eyes as tears overflowed down her face, and allowed her lips to guide the way towards Jane's. Her mouth hadn't changed. Pulling out of the embrace, Maura placed her forehead against Jane's and allowed their noses to touch.

"I love you so much, please get better."

"I've got the best reason," Jane said. "I'm a bit of a zombie right now. It sucks. I wanna be me again."

"You will," Maura said, cupping her cheeks. She brushed her lips once more across Jane's. "If you do what the doctors want, you'll be home before you know it."

"When can I see the kids?"

"Ashley said she'd bring Toby in later."

"Good."

She trailed her hand down Jane's face. "Maybe you should try to get some sleep."

"Will you stay?"

"Okay."

Helping Jane up, Maura lifted the bedsheets and guided her under them. She crawled in beside her, squashing herself into the tiny space of the single bed. She wrapped her arms around Jane's waist, grasping for her fingers as she held them against Jane's stomach. She closed her eyes, allowed her mind to focus only on Jane's breathing, until she fell asleep.

x

The door banged open making Jane jump. When Toby jumped into her arms, she wrapped her arms tightly around his back and gave him a long squeeze. She pushed her face into the side of his head and breathed in the fruity children's shampoo Jane insisted on buying him. The familiarity of his body in her arms, and his fruity scent, brought tears to her eyes. She breathed in, in an attempt to push the feeling aside, but her eyes overflowed and tears coursed their way down her face.

"It's okay to be sad," Toby said, leaning back. He pressed his small fingers to Jane cheek and touched her tears.

She smiled and cupped his face. "You are a great kid."

"When can we play baseball?"

"I have to stay here for a while," Jane said, placing a hand at the small of his back. He rested his legs down over her knee.

"Why?"

"So that I can get better."

"But who's gonna play baseball with me?"

"Going to," Maura said, from a seat in the corner.

Toby rolled his eyes and Jane smirked. "Maybe Ashley can play with you, or Mommy."

He lifted his hand up to his mouth and leaned forward. "You know Mommy's not very good, and Ashy's sad too."

"She is?" Jane looked to Maura. "Where's Ash?"

"She's in the car."

"Oh."

Spending the whole day at the mental health facility, Jane realised how much she valued her previous sanity. The freedom to walk outside, to do what she wanted, or even go to the bathroom, without Maura, or a nurse, insisting on following her. She knew why it was the way it was and she didn't fight it, too much, but she was already bored. Knowing she was going to see her children was something she'd looked forward to.

"Would you like me to see if she'll come in?"

"No," Jane said. Then berated herself internally. She gripped the fabric of her pants. Why hadn't she been honest?

Maura stared at her. She knew she was trying to care for her, and she valued her presence, but she also wished that Maura would stop treating her like a doll that might break.

"I'll go get her," Maura said, standing up. "I'll find a nurse to sit with you for a few minutes."

She nodded her affirmation. Despite everything, Maura still knew what she needed.

"Mommy said I can't have a new baseball glove," Toby said. Jane turned her attention back to her son.

Pushing through the mist in her mind, she forged a smile, and created tone to her voice that felt like hard work. "Did she tell you why?"

"Because she doesn't know anything about it so I have to wait for you to get home."

"Do you think she makes a point?"

"But I want one now!"

She placed her hands under his armpits and lifted him up and back onto the floor. Then she scooted off the end of the chair and sat down on the floor beside him. Toby curled back up on her lap.

"You know we've talked about not getting what you want sometimes."

"Lots of children don't get what they want ever."

"Exactly."

"But," he began.

Jane cut him off. "No ifs and buts. You're a lucky kid. You get heaps of cool stuff all the time. If your sneakers get a hole in them, Mommy orders a new pair. If you don't like your food at a restaurant, we get you something else. Most kids have to wait, or eat something they hate."

He sighed. "Mommy said you might sound different, but you sound the same."

"Mommy's right," Jane said, letting her guard down. "I didn't want to upset you, so I tried to sound better."

"I want you to be Mama again."

"I am Mama," she said, kissing his head and running a hand through his hair. "They gave me some medicine that might make me seem a bit different for a while, but I promise you, I'm still your Mama."

x

Ashley sat in the driver's seat playing games on her cellphone. Maura walked round to the passenger seat and opened the door. She sat down.

"Jane wants to see you."

"Can't," Ashley said, returning to a game on her phone.

She reached out and took Ashley's phone, cupping it in her hands on her lap.

"Hey, I was playing," Ashley began.

Maura cut her off. "Why won't you come inside and see your mom?"

"I didn't feel like it."

Maura sighed. "You can say that until you're blue in the face, or you can talk to me."

"There's nothing to say."

"Except the reason why sitting out here playing games is more important right now than seeing Jane."

Ashley tapped at the steering wheel. She stared out across the parking lot. Maura waited, watching Ashley as she continued to ignore the question.

"She's okay, Ash." Maura placed her hand on her arm, and gave it a squeeze. "She's got a long way to go, but I think she's going to be okay."

"You don't know that," she whispered, her words catching in her throat. "Nobody knows that."

"No," Maura said. "But she has every reason to get better."

Tears rolled down Ashley's cheeks. Her fingers grew pale against the wheel. "So did my mom."

Maura closed her eyes and squeezed her arm tighter. "I should have realised."

"There's nothing to realise," she said, running the back of her palm across her cheek.

"Your mom chose to end her life prematurely, after everything you and your brother did to take care of her, it wasn't enough. But Jane isn't the same."

"But she is," Ashley said, choking back the tears. "When we met I told her she was like her, I told her that I was scared that she would end up in the same place. That I could end up in the same place. She said she was different, that she had people around her. But she lied. The people didn't matter. She still fell apart."

Maura cupped her hands and brought them up close. "Jane couldn't help this. A horrible, horrible thing happened to us. Nobody could have predicted what would happen. We all went to therapy after Amelia, I guess Jane didn't get what she needed. That doesn't mean that you're going to end up like her. Maybe she's more prone to poor mental health, but that doesn't mean you are. You're only one part Jane. After your mom died, you fought to survive and won. After Chaz died, you grieved the way any healthy person grieves. This is hard. I know. It's difficult to see her like that, but if we do this together, she has a good chance."

"I don't know," she whispered, covering her face with her hand. "I don't know if I can do this today."

"Then we'll do it tomorrow, and if we can't do it tomorrow, we'll do it the next day."

x

"What do you call a fake noodle?" Toby asked.

"I don't know," Jane said. "What do you call a fake noodle?"

"An impasta!"

Toby doubled over, his mouth open, as he laughed uncontrollably. The corners of Jane's lips curved at the edges.

"Did your Nonna teach you that?" He nodded. "Nonna has the best pasta jokes."

"It's time to go, Toby," Maura said, from the doorway.

"I'll leave you to say goodbye," the nurse said, slipping from the room.

Jane looked up, a creased formed between her eyebrows. "No, I don't want you to go. Where's Ashley?"

"She's not coming in today," Maura said. She walked across the room and perched on the edge of the bed. "She's struggling."

"I need to see her," Jane said, though her voice barely held its conviction. She slammed a fist down on the seat of the chair. "I need to see her."

"Jane," Maura said. "I know you're upset. But this is hard on all of us. She's not ready."

The fuddle in her mind fought against her. Jane stood up and stared at Maura. She could feel herself getting angry, could feel herself losing control, but she was powerless to stop it.

"You're doing it again," she said, wrapping her arms around Toby's chest. "Why won't you let me see my other kids? You're not taking Toby. I won't let you."

Maura's lips curled up into a gentle smile, she stepped forward, tentatively. "Please, Jane. Look at Toby, you're scaring him."

"I'm not scaring him, you're scaring him. You're trying to take him away."

A couple of tears trailed down his cheeks. Maura reached to him, but Jane stepped back. "It's okay Toby."

"He's fine," Jane said.

"Jane, please, just take a breath for a moment. It's going to take some time before your medication works, and even then they need to get your medication right. Today was a good day. I know you don't want to hurt Toby, but he's upset. Please just let him come to me."

She loosened her grip and Toby ran into Maura's arms. Jane crumbled back down to the floor. She rested her head against the side of the chair and stared at the floor. There was comfort in the simple white tiles, in the repetition of squares across the room.

x

Maura lifted Toby onto the bed and wiped his tears. "It's okay. Mama's just upset that you have to go home."

He nodded his head and Maura cupped his cheeks. She replaced her hands with her lips.

"You sit here for a moment, I need to speak to Mama."

She walked around the bed and knelt down on the floor beside Jane. She reached out to her hand, tentatively.

"Jane, I have to take Toby to Ashley now. But I'm going to get someone to come and see you, then I'll be right back here with you."

"I don't wanna," Jane muttered. "I don't know, I don't wanna."

Maura cupped her hand. "The medication should start working soon. But it's only the first day. We're going to do this. We're going to make sure you get the help you need."


	24. Chapter 23

**Author Note : Thanks to everyone for reading and responding to the last chapter. I keep thinking this story is going to reach a happier point, but Jane's still quite broken and it's taking a little longer than I anticipated to put her back together again. That's not to say this chapter isn't happy, in some ways. It's just got a balance.**

 **Warning : There is mention of suicide, and to an extent it could be interpreted as a mention of self harm. But I don't think it's *too* severely written. I've softened the mention of it as much as I possibly can, and I've made it brief. I'm very aware of how suicide is portrayed in the media and will always attempt to write it in a way that's less likely to trigger.**

* * *

The clinic always smelled clean. Sickly clean, like someone had scrubbed every surface with bleach a scrubbing brush until it shone. Every sound reverberated off every flat surface. Every footstep filled every silence, and every thought was infiltrated by a nosey nurse that visited every couple of hours. Jane could handle seeing Maura. She looked forward to it. She counted down the hours, the minutes, the seconds, until her scheduled arrival each day. When her mother visited every other day, she sunk into her embrace like a child desperate for comfort only their mother could provide. She didn't mind Frankie visiting occasionally. When Vince Korsak walked through the door, unexpectedly, unannounced, Jane walked to the window and refused to turn around.

"Not gonna give me a hug?"

She watched a bird hop from one tree branch to another. Its ability to balance on something so small astounded her.

"I'll just sit here a while then," Korsak said, pulling up a plastic chair and sitting beside the bed.

Jane ignored him. He wasn't there. He couldn't be there. Jane wasn't so broken that even Korsak needed to pay a visit. She didn't believe that. Couldn't believe it. He could visit her at home any time he liked. _But not there._ Not in the one place where she felt the worst.

"You should go home." She kept her eye on the bird.

"Not going anywhere," he said. Their friendship had long passed that of work colleagues; they hadn't worked together in years. She forgot how persistent he could be.

She sighed. So what if he wouldn't leave. She didn't need to entertain him. She wasn't there to keep people company or appease their worries.

The medication eased the fog that still settled on occasion in her mind. It calmed her nerves. It fought back against the paranoia that threatened to consume her. She could see clearly again. She saw everything she had done, excepting the moments she couldn't remember. She longed for a remote control. A way to reverse the damage, to repair the fracture in her relationships.

Ashley still hadn't been to see her.

"Can I do anything?"

She turned her back to the bird. Korsak looked beyond her towards the grounds. She stared at his face; older than she remembered. Or maybe it had been a long time since she'd really looked at him. It was impossible to recall the last time. The creases around his eyes were more pronounced. The bags heavier. His hair had shifted from a little salt and lots of pepper to mostly salt. He finally caught her eye.

"You're in the right place."

"Didn't say I wasn't." She kicked at the floor with her slippers. She longed for sneakers and a footpath to pound. They didn't let her out on her own.

"Your eyes have always given you away, Jane."

"Then stop looking at them."

"You're a cop."

"Haven't been for years," she said.

"You'll always be a cop. It's in your blood. But you picked up bad habits. You picked up the shame my generation put on you for falling apart. You've got nothing to be ashamed of."

"What is this? Some kind of intervention?" She folded her arms across her chest. "Maura reminds me every day to take my meds. I take my meds. I go to therapy. I paint stupid fucking sunflowers out in the garden with the people who don't know what day it is."

"Do you feel better?"

She stared at him again. Nobody ever asked that. They ask "how are you feeling?" a million times a day. They ask if she's tired. They want to know if she's swallowed her medication. Nobody ever asked if it was doing anything worthwhile.

"I guess."

"Then you keep doing it til you're back to your old self."

She sighed. "Docs don't think that's gonna happen. It'll always be here. Probably gonna have to take these pills until the day I die."

"If that's what you gotta do to survive, then that's what you'll do."

She fought the lump in her throat. Kicked at the ground again. Kept kicking it until she couldn't stop the tears falling down her cheeks. "I hate it. I hate it. I hate it."

The arms wrapped around her before she noticed what he was doing. Korsak pulled her in tight. He smelled of cigar smoke and stale beer. A smell she'd always associate with him. The reminder of the last time he'd held her. She lost her daughter and he held her like she was his. She lifted her arms up around his back and clung to him. He was the last person she wanted to see, until he came.

"I don't know how to survive this," she said, brushing the tears away as they fell.

"You're doing it, Jane." He cupped her cheek, brushed her tears away for her.

"Some days I want to break out of here and run under a bus," she said. She looked into his eyes, to check his reaction. When his face barely changed, she continued. "I don't want to die. I don't wanna leave my family."

He cupped both of her cheeks. Pressed his lips to her forehead. "You're strong. You can get through. I believe you can get through."

She wrapped her arms around his back again. Pushing her face into the front of his shirt, she let the tears flow freely. She'd needed this. She didn't realise how much until it was there in front of her. She clung to him, desperate for his love, for his admiration, for his belief that she was something greater than she had ever believed herself to be.

x

"I want to come home."

Maura replaced one of Jane's pillows and stood upright. She pressed her lips together and turned to look at Jane. "It's only been a couple of weeks."

"A couple of weeks of sitting around in this awful room staring at the same four walls," Jane said. "I am on the verge of tearing my hair out."

"It's not that bad."

"You don't have to stay here. How do you know?"

She did know. She'd done it when Toby was born. They made her sit in the same room for too many days, with very little to keep her company. But she didn't bring that up. She just smiled and sat down beside Jane.

"You want to come home," she said, reaching out to her hand.

"I wanna sleep in my own bed," Jane said. "I wanna have a choice between all six pairs of my jeans. I want to take Toby to school, and hear about Ashley's day at work, and _kiss our daughter_ goodnight."

In the days Jane had been in the hospital, she hadn't once mentioned Maggie to her. It threw her. She let go of Jane's hand. Their daughter was four months old. She ate less regularly. She had learned to roll over onto her front. She responded to everything around her. She even babbled to the point of nearly saying full words, even if she didn't really understand them. She had her own personality that Maura was learning each and every day.

She was a blessing. A blessing that Jane had missed out on.

She sighed. "I don't know if you're ready for that."

"I'm not being held here against my will," Jane said. "You said it yourself, this is voluntary. Well, I choose to leave."

"Jane," she said, rubbing at her temple.

Her voice broke up, hitting Maura right in the gut. "Don't you want me to come home?"

"Of course I do. I just want to be sure that you're ready." She grasped at Jane's hand again, leaning closer. She wanted nothing more than to sleep in the same bed as her wife. But she was also being realistic. She couldn't afford Jane to have a set back, and she couldn't afford for the children to witness that, either. "Being home is very different to being in here. _Maggie_ is at home."

"I want to see her."

She breathed in and out slowly. "I'd have to discuss it with Doctor Barker."

"Fuck Doctor Nosey Parker."

"Jane!"

"Don't say my name like that." She scowled and raised her voice. "I'm not a child. There are no children in this room. I can curse if I want to."

Maura lifted her hands up and lowered them again. "I'm sorry. I know this is hard for you. I'm trying to do what's best."

"Then you'll help me to do what I want to do."

"I'll speak to Doctor Barker and if he agrees we can bring Maggie in to see you. Depending on how it goes, we can discuss other options."

"Thank you."

x

"In our last session you told me about the day you were admitted to hospital after Amelia's death. How about we pick up from there?"

Jane closed her eyes and breathed deeply. She knew it was the right thing to do; to talk. But it still felt alien, like she was somehow betraying her concept of life if she shared her innermost thoughts. She tried to think about her children, about the end result.

"I woke up in the morning and I felt like I had a hangover."

"Had you been drinking the night before?"

"Just a couple beers. They helped me sleep. I didn't sleep, unless I had something to drink." He nodded. "I lay there with my hands on my stomach. Not much time had passed. I still looked like I'd, like I'd had a baby."

"Your stomach was still enlarged?"

"Yeah." She instinctively ran her fingers across her abdomen. Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. She fought against them, but they were too strong. "I half expected to feel her. To feel her moving. Then I remembered all over again."

"It sounds like that happened a lot in those first few days, remembering."

"It wasn't real." She shook her head and wiped the tears from her cheeks. "It didn't feel real. I wasn't pregnant enough for her to be gone."

"But she was." The doctor clasped his hands in his lap and leaned back. "What happened afterwards?"

She nodded. "There was nobody in the house. I guess Maura took Toby out. We didn't talk much. I wouldn't let her. She went to see a therapist. She took Toby to see a therapist. I refused to go. I didn't want to talk. Especially not so soon. I didn't know _how_ to talk about it."

He crossed one leg over the other. "You seem to be doing okay now, what's changed?"

"I dunno."

"How did you spend the day?"

"I took a shower. I stood under the water and watched it trickle down the glass. I don't know how long I was there for." She closed her eyes. The visual image of that day still formed clearly in her mind. "It was like there were no thoughts in my head. Nobody mattered. Nothing mattered. So I just picked up a razor blade and…and I started cutting."

She pushed back the sleeves of her shirt and held her arms out. She retraced the lines of a couple of scars across her skin.

"Did you want to die?"

She stared into his eyes. "Yes."

"Do you want to die now?"

She sat up a little straighter. "Yes."

"Jane," he said, leaning forward. "Do you understand that if you tell me that, we'll have to monitor you more closely?"

"I want this to be over. I want the pain that I feel every time I wake up to go away," she said. She pushed fresh tears aside. " _But I want to survive._ _I want to live_. I want to see my children grow up. I want to play baseball with my son, and watch my daughter get married, and start a new life with my youngest child. I want this to be over, but I won't make it happen, because I want to live more than I want to die."

"You sound very sure of your decision."

"That's because I am." She leaned forward, her elbows resting on her thighs. "When I cut myself, my wife came home. She climbed into the shower with me. I was sat on the floor. She stopped the bleeding. She bandaged me up, She fought so hard for me to get through those days. Without her, I don't know what I would have done."

"I understand you had some therapy after that incident."

She sat back again. "Yeah."

"What can you tell me about that?"

"It was shit."

"Shit in what way?"

"The woman was useless." She shook her head. "She didn't let me answer any of her questions and she tried telling me to _visual a life where I could feel better_. That's bullshit. There is no life where I can feel better. There never was and there never will be. I _lost_ my child. I went through pain that no parent should ever have to go through. I talked a little. She pushed a lot. Maura thought everything was fine."

"But it wasn't."

"I didn't know that. She didn't know that. I did what I always do. I pushed it to one side and got on with my life."

"Do you see how that may have contributed to your recent episode?"

"Yeah. I do."

x

Maura laid a blanket out on the grass and opened up the basket she'd brought with her. She emptied the contents, organising it out across the blanket until their feast was laid out before her. She stood back and admired her handiwork.

"Looks amazing, Maur," Jane said, walking across the lawn.

Maura turned and scooped Jane up into her arms. She peppered kissed along her cheek. Then captured Jane's lips, bringing her closer with every movement. Jane's tongue tangled up with Maura's, like a lost sheep thankful to find its mother. She felt hunger. Desperation to feel Jane close again.

She stepped back. She brushed a strand of Jane's hair behind her ear. "I've missed you."

They sat down on the blanket. The shone down upon them. Jane opened up a tub of carrot sticks. "I saw you yesterday."

"It's not the same," Maura said, covering Jane's hand with her palm. "You're right. That room you're in is enough to make you depressed. But you're not home. You're not in the bed when I wake up and I hate that."

"Don't cry," Jane said, running her palm across Maura's face. She wrapped an arm around her shoulder and kissed her head. "I'm here."

"I know." She sniffed and sat upright. Their fingers remained interlinked between them. "Last night Toby said something really funny at dinner. Ashley was out with a friend. Angela had gone home. I had nobody to tell. Nobody to laugh about it with."

"Tell me."

"Later," she said, placing a hand behind Jane's head and moving closer. "I want to kiss you longer."

A few minute later, Maura pulled away again. She ran a finger across her lips. She felt like a giddy school girl. She couldn't remember the last time they'd just made out, properly, without anything else getting in their way. She clung to Jane's fingers with one hand, whilst opening a tub of sandwiches with the other.

"When you come home, we're going to do this more often."

"Eat sandwiches surrounded by ants?" Jane asked, smacking her hand down on the blanket.

"Spend time together. You and I. You and our family."

Jane cleared her throat. "Can I see Maggie?"

"Doctor Barker said I can bring her in tomorrow. If you're sure you feel ready."

She nodded. "Maura?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for never leaving me." She squeezed her hand a little tighter. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"There was no other choice. I love you and I want to see you get better."

Jane wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her up against her. "I love you too. So much more every single day."


	25. Chapter 24

**Author Notes** **: Thank you everyone for your comments, I really appreciate your all still being here on this rollercoaster journey. I keep thinking we're getting closer to the end and then it feels like it's a long way off, again. I'm really not sure when this one will end, but I anticipate it won't be much longer. A few more chapters. For anyone waiting for my other stories, I'm trying to get this one finished asap so I can focus on the others. Though I will no doubt update Lullaby this week. On to the next one...**

* * *

"How do you feel about seeing your daughter?"

Jane picked at her cuticles. She could feel the therapist's eyes on her. He did that when he wanted an answer and she had opted out. She didn't know if she had an answer to his question. She felt...something. She just didn't know what, or how to put the feeling into words.

"Okay." He paused for dramatic effect, or that's what Jane suspected he did it for, anyway. She'd had enough sessions with him to pick up his cues, to know when he was playing her to get something more. Some days she played ball, others she watched with mild curiosity. "What can you tell me about your daughter?"

She closed her eyes. She tried to visualise Maggie. Instead she saw Amelia; her tiny - too tiny - face that never lit up. She swallowed a lump in her throat.

"Nothing."

"Nothing at all?"

She shook her head.

"What memories do you have that may be attached to her, in some way?"

She breathed in, then out slowly. Reliving moments made her heart ache. She wasn't ready for more of it. "The first time I zoned out for a long time was the night she was born."

"Zoned out?"

"One minute I was somewhere and the next minute I was somewhere else, only it wasn't the next minute, it was hours later, and Maura had to give birth without me."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Guilty." She ran her finger across the edge of her eyelid, capturing tears before they could fall. "Relieved."

"I understand why you would feel guilty. You love your wife. Everything you've talked about suggests she loves you just as much. You're a team. But why relieved?"

"Every single visit to the hospital I felt like my chest had shrunk and my lungs had grown. The classes, the appointments, the scans: I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't tell Maura."

"Why not?"

"I agreed to us trying to have another child."

"Did you want another child?"

Crossing one leg over the other, Jane turned toward the door. She twisted herself as far round as she could get and stared across the room. "No."

"No?"

"I wanted Maura to have another child. She started asking a year before we went ahead. I said it was too soon. We waited. She asked again six months later. I put it off again. Eventually I said yes."

"Why did you say yes?"

"I wanted to make Maura happy. She's a mother. She's so natural at being a mother. She spent a couple years recovering after she lost her speech when Toby was born. Then we lost Amelia. I wanted her to have a dream baby."

The therapist narrowed his eyes. "From everything you've told me, you don't want another child, but you love your wife so much that you said you would have one, for her. Despite the fact it was virtually impossible to be in the hospital without feeling anxiety."

"I _didn't_ want another child."

"Has that changed?"

"I don't know." She picked at her cuticles again. "She's here. She exists; whether I want her or not. I didn't carry her, but she's my biological daughter. I owe it to her to try."

"You didn't want another child, but you agreed to it for your wife. You don't know if you want your daughter, but you owe it to her to try to be her mother. You've talked a lot in our sessions about doing things for other people. What about yourself? What does Jane need?"

"I don't need anything."

"Evidently, you do." He paused, his eyes still fixed on Jane. "We don't fully understand mental health in the same way we understand, say, a broken leg. But it looks to me like you've done a lot of considering others, and somewhere along the way your brain decided that wasn't the right thing for you."

She sat upright. "You're saying I caused this?"

"No. That's not what I'm saying. Your brain is a precious commodity. You've formed this picture of your life. You're the hero. It's maybe why you chose a career in law enforcement. You could save people. You saved lives. You made the people you loved happy. But at what expense? When your brain told you you didn't want something, you fought against it. The brain can only withstand a certain level of incongruence. Maybe you said yes one too many times."

Jane scowled. "Still sounds like you're saying I made this happen."

"Subconsciously, maybe." He leaned forward. "We can't control what fits and doesn't fit with our concept of the world. When our actions fight what we need, they can cause damage. Not because we've made it happen, but because we're powerless to stop it."

"So, what do I do?"

"That's a question only you can answer." He checked his watch. "Your daughter will be here in a couple of hours. What can you do to make the meeting run smoothly?"

"I don't know."

"Last week you told me what it felt like to hold your son for the first time, how happy it made you feel, how proud you were of his existence. Perhaps there's some peace to be found in the one child you don't have any guilt towards."

x

Although she had the whole house to herself, barring the children, Maura still hid in the laundry room. She sat on the floor against the back wall, watching the spin of the front load washer. It was already a quarter to one and she would have to leave soon if she wanted to make it to the clinic with Maggie. Instead she pushed tear after tear from her cheeks.

"Mommy!" Toby shouted. His voice grew closer until the door banged opened.

Maura straightened up. Busted. She made a mental note to find a new hiding spot. She lowered her head in an attempt to disguise the tears.

"Are you crying again?"

She lifted her head, nodded, and forged a smile. "I'm okay."

He walked over and sat down opposite her. "That's what I say when I don't want you to know that I'm sad."

"I know," she said, leaning forward and cupping his cheek. "But you don't need to worry about me, Toby. It's my job to worry about you, not the other way around."

"Are you crying because of Mama?" he asked, scooting forward until their knees touched.

"I'm crying because I want your Mama to be okay, which she will be, but until then I will cry a little."

"That's okay," he said, reaching out with his arms. Maura leaned forward and scooped him up into her arms, lifting him onto her lap. "I will too."

"You're such a good boy," Maura said, kissing his head. "I love you. You know that, don't you?"

"You love me," he said, sitting back a little. "Mama loves me. Ashley loves me. Nonna loves me. Everyone loves me."

"They do," she said. "You're our special little boy."

He pressed his lips together and stared up into her eyes. "Mommy?"

"Yes, Toby?"

"You don't have to tell me you're okay to make me feel better."

She ran her fingers through his hair. "Okay."

"Mommy, can I come to the hospital to see Mama?"

"I'm sorry, Toby," she said. "Today it's Maggie's turn. She gets an extra special visit because Mama hasn't seen her in a while."

"Can I go tomorrow?"

"Of course."

x

The baby sunk into Jane's arms the second Maura lowered her into them. When she didn't move from their side, Jane nodded and Maura stepped back. She stared down at her daughter. She was as much a stranger now as she was the day she was born. Jane ran her fingers across the top of her head. She'd lost the hair she vaguely remembered her having shortly after being born. It was shorter now, thinner, and as soft as a kitten.

"Hi," she whispered.

She was at a loss for words; at a loss for knowing what to do next. She could feel Maura still watching them, and didn't anticipate that would change until Maggie was safely back in her own arms.

She looked up to her wife. "I don't know what it's supposed to feel like."

"What what is supposed to feel like?"

"I, I don't know." She scrunched up her nose. "Being a mother."

"You do fine with Toby."

"Toby's different."

"How?" Maura asked.

"He just is," she said. She glanced back down to Maggie. Her eyes were open, watching her; deep grey-blue eyes. Jane didn't recognise them. "I know who Toby is."

"You'll know Maggie, one day."

She ran a finger across her chubby cheek. Her skin felt like silk. The baby wriggled a little, screaming out various different nonsensical sounds. The volume made her jump, pushed adrenaline rushing through her body. She took in a long, deep breath, then let it out again.

"It's okay," Maura said, dragging her chair closer. She reached a hand out and cupped the top of Maggie's head. "Why don't you calm down a little bit for your Mama?"

"It's fine, Maura," Jane said. The words tasted bitter on her tongue. She'd used them one too many times. They'd lost their meaning, and both of them knew it. "Maybe you should take her home."

"It's only been five minutes." She gripped Jane's fingers and held them there, still cupping Maggie's head. "You can do this, Jane. Look at you, you're holding her. You're here, you're doing this. _You've got this_."

"But I don't know who she is." She lowered her eyes to Maggie's toes. "I don't know if I want to."

Maura's fingers slipped from Jane's. She sunk back against the plastic chair. Jane kept her head down but lifted her eyes, conscious of the words she'd just thrown out there; haphazardously, with little care or attention for how they may make Maura feel.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm trying to be honest. I want everything to be okay so bad, but I don't know how to fix this feeling in the pit of my stomach."

The glazed expression on Maura's face slipped away. "Maybe I should take Maggie."

"Okay." She frowned. "You didn't correct me."

"No."

She lifted her arms across to Maura. The baby lay in them, her eyes fixed on Jane's, her fingers wrapped tightly around her thumb. Somehow in the last few minutes, despite Jane's reservations, Maggie had found her mother.

"Wait," she said, tucking her back against the crook of her arm. She settled there against her chest. "Maura."

"Yes?" she asked, though her voice broke up.

"I don't know how to do this, and I'm scared that if I can't love Maggie the way I should, then we won't be able to get through this."

Maura leaned her head back. She closed her eyes and stared up at the ceiling. Jane watched her squeeze her eyes tightly shut. She wanted desperately to pull her into her arms. The baby in her arms was the only thing stopping her.

"That scares me too," Maura said, lowering her head and wiping at the end of her nose. She reached her hand out to Maggie's face and trailed a finger across her features. "She is part of you. Every time I look at her I see you in her face. I promise you that I will do everything within my power to make sure that you come back to her."

A silence washed over them until they sat comfortably together. Jane turned her attention back to the baby. Her fingers wrapped around the end of her hair. She smiled down at her. Maggie lifted her head up and stared across at Maura. She kicked her legs out in front of her.

"She likes to sit," Maura said.

Jane shifted the baby in her arms, resting her arm around her back until she was sat up. She turned her and wrapped her hands instinctively around her chest.

"How does that feel?"

"It's not a miracle fix," Jane whispered.

"I didn't expect it to be."

"Ashley's still not come to see me," she said.

"She went back to work today." Maura reached out and Maggie gripped her finger, tugging it towards her mouth. "She'll come round. She's dealing with a lot."

"She hasn't even been in once."

"I think she wants to, she's just scared."

"Will you tell her I want to see her?"

"She knows, but I'll tell her again."

Jane pressed her lips to Maggie's head. She closed her eyes, and breathed in the distinct baby smell that still lingered on her skin. She breathed into the wave of sadness that consumed her.

"I'd forgotten what babies smelled like."

"It's intoxicating," Maura said. Her lips curved at the corners.

"Did Amelia ever smell like this?"

Maura pressed her lips together. "I don't know."

"Do you think Maggie would be here if Amelia hadn't died?"

Maura's chest rose. Her lips formed a circle as she let out a long, slow breath. "I don't, I, I like to believe that she would be."

"I'm sorry," Jane said. She lifted the baby off her lap and thrust her into Maura's arms. She stood and walked over to the window. She stared out at the afternoon sun, shining down on the grounds of the clinic.

"Jane," Maura's voice followed her to the window. She turned, conscious of the baby, but she wasn't in her arms. She glanced across the room where Maggie sat in her car seat, kicking her legs out in front of her.

Maura rested her hand on her shoulder. Jane covered it with her own. "I've never experienced a normal birth."

"No. Even Toby's birth was difficult."

"I don't know what it's like to have a child that you want so desperately, and then see them be born, and hold them, and love them from that moment they come out. I don't know how to love her. I want to. But every child I've loved, it's been complicated. I don't know how to fight that."

"What you're feeling is perfectly normal," Maura said, slipping her hand around Jane's back. "They make it seem like you're going to love your child just because you've given birth to them. That's not true. I didn't know who Maggie was the day she was born. I don't know a lot about her now. Yes, I love her. But did I love her the first time I saw her? I don't know that I did. I knew that I felt a connection; I knew I wanted to protect her. But the earth-shattering, only-a-mother-can-feel-it love? I don't know if that exists at the very beginning."

"But I should feel _something_ , shouldn't I?"

"You're taking a lot of medication," Maura said. "It can impair how you feel. It's going to take time."

"I want to get past this."

"I know you do. How did it feel holding her?"

Jane took a deep breath and delved deep inside of herself. She searched for the feeling she felt when Maura placed Maggie into her arms. "It felt like the world was a little bit easier. I don't know how to explain it. I've been ill for so long. I think you don't always realise how ill you are until you start to get better."

"Do you feel like you're starting to get better?"

"I don't know." She shrugged. "But I feel like she's the light I've been looking for. She's a reason to do this. I know I have you and Toby and Ashley. I know you're a reason. You all know my history. You all know my pain. Maggie doesn't know anything yet, she's this little blank canvas and I think she's why I need to get better."

"Jane." Maura stepped closer. She cupped her cheeks, glanced down at her lips, then stared up into her eyes.

"Yeah?"

"That sounds like love to me."

* * *

 **Author Note : This one hurt my heart to write. It could have been worse. I nearly had Jane tell Maura that she didn't want Maggie. But I decided against it. It was feeling too sad, too hopeless. I had to find some hope from somewhere. Thanks for reading.**


	26. Chapter 25

**Author Notes : Thank you all for being so awesome. I'm really thankful that you read my writing. I'm feeling extra thankful today. There are some amazing people in this world. Be yourself. Live your dreams. Don't let anyone try to put out your light.**

 **Onwards with some more story...**

* * *

"Stop dancing, sit down, and eat your cereal."

The tone of her words shocked her more than the volume. Toby stopped moving. Maura's pulse quickened. The look of sheer horror on her son's face filled her with guilt. He slipped into his seat at the table and spooned some cereal into his mouth. She watched him. Tears rolled down his cheeks. Her heart ached.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, sitting down beside him. She ran a hand across his head. "I didn't mean to shout."

He moved his head to one side, forcing her hand away. He silently ate his breakfast.

"Toby." She choked back tears. "Did you hear what I said? I'm sorry. Mommy didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm not listening to you today," he said, lowering his face towards his bowl.

She swallowed the lump settling in the back of her throat and stoop up. Ordinarily she might have attempted to fix her mistake. But she could feel the adrenaline still coursing through her veins. She could feel the balance between happy and sad shifting in the wrong direction. She needed a time out.

In the sanctuary of her bedroom, Maura grabbed her cell phone from the night stand and dialled Angela's number.

x

"Thank you for fitting me in, Doctor Neuman."

"I had a last minute cancellation." She motioned for Maura to sit. "We've not seen you for a few years, Maura. What made you want to see me today?"

She sat back in the chair, glanced around the room briefly before she began. "I shouted at my son this morning. I've never shouted at him like that before."

"What made you shout at him?"

"I don't know. He was being silly, he was dancing, having fun. He wasn't eating his breakfast."

"And...?"

She stared up at the wall behind Doctor Neuman. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes. Her shoulders sunk back. A gasp escaped her lips. "And I overreacted. I'm scared all of the time. I don't know what's going to happen. My step-daughter lost someone she loved recently and she's not coping. My baby girl doesn't understand what's happening but I keep crying in front of her and I know it's not good. I know it's something that will affect her, I can't help it. And my wife, my wife is broken and I don't know how to fix her. She's lost, and she's scared, and I don't know how to get her back. I don't know how to make her better. She's trying but it's slow, and it's painful and if I sit still for too long all I can think about is her sitting in the clinic, falling apart. _I'm_ falling apart, but nobody is picking me up. When we married it was us against the world. It was me supporting her and her supporting me, and she's not holding up her end of the deal. It's not her fault, she can't, she's hurting too much. But I need her. I need her so much and she's not here. I don't know if she'll ever come home. If the person I married will ever come back, or if this is all we have left. What if she's never going to be capable of supporting me again? What if she can't look after our daughter because it hurts her too much? I don't think she even wanted her in the first place and I don't know how I feel about any of it. I need help. I need a break. But I can't take one, and now I'm shouting at my son when he's done nothing wrong."

Her shoulders hunched forwards. Stream after stream of tears coursed down her cheeks, mixing and merging on their downward path. She swiped at her chin, caught the droplets before they could fall further, until they just kept coming, and she couldn't catch them quickly enough.

Doctor Neuman sat forward. She reached a hand out to Maura's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "It sounds like you really needed to come in today, did that help?"

She sniffed and sat upright again. "Everyone in my life knows what's happening. I've tried writing about my feelings, like you told me to do after Amelia, but it wasn't working. I need to talk. I need to share. I need you."

"I'm here," she said. "Now let's take a couple steps back. Your wife's in a clinic."

"She's suffering from PTSD with psychosis, after Amelia's death."

"How do you feel about that?"

The crease between her eyebrows grew deeper. "I feel...I feel like I've let my whole family down. I should have known that she didn't deal with it. I should have known that she was breaking apart. I should have spotted the signs."

"You blame yourself."

"Who else is there to blame? I'm supposed to love her, and be there for her, and I _failed_."

"Did Jane ask for your help?"

"No."

"Was it clear that there was something wrong?"

"Not entirely. She's a very private person. She hides things away, boxes them up never to deal with them."

"It sounds to me like maybe Jane didn't want you to see how much she was falling apart."

"She wouldn't. She never does."

"You can't just turn off the guilt," Doctor Nueman said. "But Maura, do you see what you're doing?"

"But I'm her _wife_. I'm supposed to know. She shouldn't have to tell me. I'm a psychiatrist. I should know when someone is suffering from a mental health issue."

"As a fellow trained professional, let me tell you, diagnosing yourself or someone you love is the hardest thing to do."

"If she'd just told me," Maura said, running her hands across her cheeks. "Why didn't she talk to me? Why didn't she try to make me see that she wasn't okay? Why did she let me watch her fall apart when I could have helped her? Why did she let this happen?"

"That's a lot of questions you have," said Doctor Neuman. "How does it make you feel when you think about them?"

She clenched her fists around the edges of her skirt. "Angry. I'm so angry."

"What are you angry at?"

"Jane." Her shoulders shook. Maura leaned forward. "I'm angry at Jane for falling apart. I know it's selfish. It doesn't make sense. She can't help it. She couldn't stop it from happening. By the time it got serious enough, it was probably already too late. But I'm angry at her. She's fallen apart and left me to pick up all of the pieces. I've had to raise our daughter on my own for the last four months. She doesn't know how to be a mother to her and I hate her for that. I hate that she's put us in this position. It's not her fault, and I know I shouldn't feel angry, but I do."

"You said that Jane doesn't know how to be a mother to your daughter?"

"She said she wanted us to have a baby." Maura shook her head. "No. She said it was okay if I wanted us to have another baby. She never said she wanted one, too. She never said anything."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Sad. I brought Maggie into this world when Jane wasn't ready. My beautiful daughter is here because of me. She's here because I selfishly wanted a child, when Jane wasn't ready. But she gave in and let me have what I want, because that's what Jane does. Now I'm angry at Jane for rejecting her, when it's my fault."

"It sounds like you hold a lot of anger inside of you at the moment." She nodded. "You also hold a lot of blame. On yourself, on Jane. What about Maggie?"

"What about her?"

"How do you feel about your daughter?"

"I love her." She tucked her hands together on her lap and looked up. "She's this shining little ball of light. When I get up in the night and I can't sleep, she's smiles back at me. She laughs, and she kicks her tiny toes, and she makes every single day a little easier."

"It sounds like she's brought you some comfort."

"Losing Amelia was the hardest thing I have ever faced. Maggie will never replace her, she'll never help to paper over that big hole in our lives. But she makes the hole feel smaller. I just wish Jane could see it. Really, truly see it."

x

Ashley wiped her hands on her jeans and hesitated. Jane watched her from across the garden. She could see the conflict on her face. She stood up, anxious to see her daughter, but cautiously aware of her feelings. All she thought about was feelings – her own, other people's.

"Hi," Ashley said, slipping her hands into the pockets of her jeans and staring at her feet.

"It's good to see you, Ash," Jane said, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. She was tense. Ashley sunk into them, her whole body quickly dissolved. She clung to Jane.

"Mom," she whispered, pulling out of their embrace. "Are you okay?"

"I am."

"Are you really?" She stepped back and swiped at her cheek. "Are you really okay or are you just saying that to make me feel better?"

Jane slouched into the plastic chair on the grass. She motioned for Ashley to sit down in one beside her. "Every day is a struggle, but I'm not just saying it. I'm doing okay."

"I don't know if I believe you," she said. She sat down beside her, her eyes drifted to the grass beneath them.

Jane leaned forward in her chair and reached for Ashley's hands. She pulled them toward her, gripping them as though her life depended on it.

"Look at me." Ashley shook her head. Jane tugged a little harder on her hands. "Ashley, please look at me."

She lifted her gaze. Her eyes landed on Jane's.

"I'm okay. I'm fighting. I'm doing this for you, and your brother and sister. I'm trying to get better and I need you to trust that I am."

She shook her head and reclaimed her fingers. "That's what my mom said before she killed herself."

"No." Jane grasped at her hands again. "No. I'm not her. I'm not going to do that to you. I'd rather fight every day for the rest of my life than know I've hurt my family. You mean more to me than that."

"But it doesn't always help."

"What doesn't?"

"Having people to fight for. Sometimes it makes it worse."

"I don't know what more I can say to make you believe me." Jane sighed. "Is this why you haven't been to see me?"

"It's too much like my mom," she said. "She was in a clinic, she was getting help. But when she left she decided to end it."

Jane wrapped a hand around Ashley's shoulder and pulled her against her. She kissed the side of her head and held her close. "I promise you, kid. We've been through too much. I won't put us through more. I'd never forgive myself. I'd rather lose everyone I love than know I took myself away from you. We haven't had long enough. _You and me._ We have too much time to make up for, too much pain to recover from."

Silence fell between them. Jane wrapped her other arm around Ashley, holding her tightly in her arms. She kissed her head again. She'd lost out on too many years of holding her eldest child, she wasn't going to lose out on any more.

Jane leaned back in her seat, letting Ashley do the same. They sat side by side, staring out across the garden. "I'm sorry for what happened."

"I don't blame you for shooting him," Ashley said. She ran her sleeve across the edge of her face. "If it was me, I'd have done the same."

"I'm still sorry. I know you loved him."

"I hated loving him."

"But you still did." Jane sighed. "I caused you pain and I can't forgive myself for that."

"You've changed," Ashley said.

"It's being in here," she said, laughing. "They make me talk all the time. I need to be honest, it's the only way I'll get through this."

"How was your visit with Maggie?"

"Difficult." Jane kicked at the ground with her heel. "When you were born I wanted you so much but I knew I had to give you away. When Maggie was born it was the opposite. I'm trying."

"Mom said she's bringing her again tomorrow."

"Mom?" Jane raised an eyebrow.

"I started calling Maura Mom, is that okay?"

"Of course it's okay. Might get a little confusing, but it's fine."

"I don't know what else to call her."

"You can always call me Ma."

"Ma?"

"It's what I call my mom."

"I know."

"Toby calls me Mama, one day it'll probably be Ma."

"Okay, Ma." Ashley smiled. She pulled Jane back into her arms. "I love you, Ma."

"I love you too, kid."

x

"Toby, can you come and sit here for a moment?" Maura asked, patting the couch beside her. He placed his toy train on the floor and stood up. He jumped up onto the couch beside her. "How was your day?"

"It was okay." He stared at the floor.

"I'm really, really sorry about what happened this morning." He stayed silent. "I love you so much. You know how you wanted me to tell you if I'm sad?"

"Yes."

"Mommy's feeling really sad at the moment."

"Because of Mama again?"

"Yes." She ran her hand across the top of his head, brushing his hair back. "That's not an excuse. I shouldn't have shouted at you the way I did. It was wrong of me."

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Toby?"

"I feel sad too." He looked up into her eyes. "I miss Mama. It's different when she's not here. Everybody's sad. She hasn't read a story to me for a really long time."

"I'm sorry," Maura said. "I don't want you to feel like everything's different. I'm trying really hard to make it happy for you."

"You don't have to try too hard."

"I know." She brushed a strand of hair back over his ear. "I think Mama's going to come home soon. She's doing really well."

"I don't like it when you shout."

"I don't like it either."

"Can we go and see Mama now?"

Maura kissed his cheek. "We can, and then afterwards we can go to the ice cream parlour and you can have two scoops."

"Two?" he asked, his face lit up.

"Yes, a special treat for being such a great boy." She trailed her hand across his shoulder and down beside her. "You are growing up to be an amazing person. I am so proud of you."

She pressed her lips against his cheek and peppered kisses across his face.

"Ew, girl cooties," he said, though his smile lit up his whole face. He wiped at his cheek. Maura leaned forward and kissed him again, until all she could hear was the sound of his laughter.


	27. Chapter 26

**Author Notes** **: Thank you all, as per usual. You make writing more fun, and I'm glad you're still enjoying it. I am trying to get this story finished before I go away on Monday since we're so close to the end - I've got two trips back to back, it's going to be a busy time.**

* * *

The afternoon sun peered round the edge of the clouds, making the grass look greener and the flowers brighter. Jane held onto Maggie's stomach, holding her steady as she reached forward for the food she couldn't yet eat. Maura broke off a piece of bread and handed it over. She scrunched it up in her fist and tossed it down on the blanket.

"Is she always so interested in everything?" Jane asked, letting go as Maggie wriggled around on her the blanket.

"Every day."

"I should know that."

Maura rested her hand down on the blanket in front of Maggie. She reached out and gripped her finger. Maura looked up. "Do you remember when Toby was born?"

"How could I forget," she said. Her face cracked a smile. For the briefest moment, everything melted away. It was like it was six years ago, and the baby in front of her wasn't Maggie, but Toby. "Seeing you with him, I knew that I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life."

"You were the person who knew Toby best, I think you still do."

"We both know him."

"I know," she said. "But you're closer. I don't mind that he's closer to you. He loves you and that makes me so happy. The point I'm trying to make is that for a while, I struggled to connect with him. In the darkest moments, I thought I might never know him."

"It's really hard to see any different right now."

"I know." Maura leaned over Maggie and gripped Jane's hand. "But I promise you, it will get better."

"Mommy, Mama," Toby shouted, running across the garden with Ashley on his tail. "I found an American bullfrog."

"I hope you left the bullfrog alone," Maura said, raising an eyebrow.

Toby held out his hands and opened them, the frog moved across his fingers. "He's only a baby."

"Toby!" She stood up and placed a hand on her hip. "What have I told you about taking animals out of their natural habitat?"

"Don't do it."

"Exactly." She turned to Ashley. "Why did you let him bring it here?"

"He was excited." She shrugged. "We'll take it back in a minute, he wanted to show you. No harm done."

"Let me see, kid," Jane said, scooping the baby up and resting her over her arm as she walked across the grass.

"See," Maura said, resting her mouth beside Jane's ear. "You're a natural at this."

"What an awesome toad," Jane said, glancing at Maura with a smirk.

"It's an American bullfrog," Toby said, holding it out. "A frog isn't the same as a toad. Isn't that right, Mommy?"

"That's exactly right, Toby."

"Can I bring him home?"

Watching her family together filled Jane with a feeling she hadn't felt for a really long time. The last time they'd all been together was before Maggie was born, and even that wasn't perfect. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes. She pushed aside the desire to cry, but held onto the elation.

"What did I just say?"

"Can we buy one from the pet store?"

In the midst of the conversation, Maggie wriggled in Jane's arms. She shifted her a little on her arm, but she continued to move. She switched arms.

"Frogs are supposed to live in the wild."

"Can we get a dog instead?"

When the crying started, Jane panicked. Maggie wriggled and screamed, her face bright red and her cheeks coated in tears quicker than Jane could respond. She held her for a moment, lifting her out in front of her, staring at the sobbing child in her hands. Her chest ached. It hurt to breath.

"Now isn't a good time to be getting a pet," Maura said, glancing at Jane. "It's time to take the frog back to its home and get washed up for lunch."

Jane lowered the baby onto the grass and turned around. She felt her legs begin to move, the desire to flee filled her up until she started walking away. "I'm sorry. I can't do this."

"Jane, wait!"

Maura shouted after her, but she was already across the garden. Her feet pounded the earth. She ran faster and faster until she reached the sanctuary of her room.

x

"You're not doing this alone anymore, Jane. You didn't need to run."

"I can't do it," she said.

Maura perched on the bed beside Jane. "You can."

"I feel like I'm on fire." She glanced up to Maura. "My chest aches. My throat aches. Everything aches."

"You didn't have to put her down like that," Maura said, covering Jane's hand. "You could have handed her to me. We could have worked through this together."

"What if I don't want to do this together?" Jane asked, staring into her eyes. "What if I don't want to do any of it?"

The relaxed tone of Jane's voice made the situation ten times worse. Jane's words hit Maura right in the heart. She tried to refocus, to remind herself that Jane was ill, but red flashed before her eyes.

"No!" She stood up. "No. You will not back away from this. I won't let you."

"You won't let me?" Jane frowned. "I'm a grown ass woman, Maura. I can do what the hell I like."

"You can do what the hell you like," Maura said. "But this doesn't just affect you. You can't keep thinking that this isn't important to all of us."

"I don't think that." Jane stepped off the bed. She reached out to Maura. "I know it's important. But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep falling apart all of the time. Especially not in front of the kids."

Everything Jane said made perfect sense. Maura knew as well as anybody that Jane's health needed to be dealt with, and needed to not affect their children. But she could see the bigger picture. She could see the future clearly, or she could, until Jane's words filled her with the most painful dread.

She attempted to force calm into her voice. "You're going to have your setbacks. You're not going to get better overnight."

"It's been weeks. It's taking too long. It's too hard."

"There's no time frame on mental health, Jane. You need to stop running from it and face it head on. Your daughter needs you to do this."

"No, she doesn't." Jane ran her fingers through her hair. "She doesn't need me. She has you, and Ma, and Ashley. She doesn't need me to be a screw up. She deserves more than that and I won't do it anymore. I won't put her through this."

"You won't put her through this?" Maura scoffed. She gritted her teeth. "Walking away is putting her through this. Where does that leave us? Where does that leave our family if you refuse to see our daughter?"

"I don't know, Maura. I don't know where it leaves us. Maybe it'll be better for everyone if I'm not around."

Maura stepped back. Tears filled her eyes. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't stand there in front of Jane while she said things like that. But she couldn't leave. She couldn't walk away.

"So," Maura whispered, her voice laced with tears. "You'd rather leave us with insurmountable grief, after everything, than deal with this?"

"No." Jane stepped toward her, her hand outstretched. "No, that's not what I mean."

"What do you mean?" Maura lifted her arms up and backed away.

"I don't want to die, Maura. I don't want to do that to any of you. But maybe it'd be better if I'm not part of our family anymore. At least for a while. You saw Toby, you saw how happy he is. He doesn't need me screwing up the rest of his childhood."

"He's happy because he's with you."

"It's too hard," Jane shouted, clenching her fists. She turned around. "I try so hard every day just to get out of bed. I try to be honest, and open, and change so that I can do better for our family. I just keep screwing up. There's no point in trying anymore. It's better for you, it's better for the kids, if I deal with this on my own."

It hurt too much to listen to Jane, every single thing she said just piled up, and Maura couldn't breathe. She couldn't cope anymore. She shook her head, tears floating through her words. "But you're not on your own."

"I want to be." Jane thrust her hands out in front of her. Her temple pulsed. "I'm sick and tired of people fussing around me. You come here every single day and I have to perform, I have to be this better person, because if I'm not you look like you're about to break. I can't be responsible for you falling apart."

Maura pursed her lips. Her heart raced. She knew she should stop speaking. Walking away would probably be the best option. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that to be true, yet she continued. Rage burning in the pit of her stomach.

"Maybe if you'd talked to me in the first place, instead of being a bullet proof wall, maybe you wouldn't have to feel like that in the first place."

"How could I talk to you, Maura? You're always so fucking busy. If you're not looking after the children, you're at work. If you're not at work, you have five minutes between the next thing you have to do to talk, and you spend all of that time talking about your job."

Maura's shoulders sunk. "I didn't realise my being busy was a problem."

"Well, it is."

"Somebody needs to provide for our family," she said.

She'd tied so many of her assets up in charitable endowment funds and investments. For their children; so that they would never have to worry about paying for college or buying a house. What was left at the end of it was her income.

"It comes back to this again, doesn't it?"

"It comes back to what?"

"You've never liked that I didn't work. You've been keeping me like a child."

"That is not what I think, Jane." She pressed her lips together. "I was more than happy for you to stay at home and look after Toby. You needed to find yourself. I have not once complained about that. All I'm saying is that somebody needed to do something to ensure we could maintain our lifestyle."

"Nobody asked you to!" Jane folded her arms across her chest. "I could live in a cardboard box in a field and I wouldn't care, because I'd have my family."

"Why are you bringing this up now?" Maura asked. "Are you trying to divert the conversation away from you? You can't do that anymore, Jane. If we're going to have any chance of getting through this, you can't hide away."

"I'm not hiding away. I'm giving you a better chance at being happy."

"So, this is supposed to be a selfless decision?"

"It's the right thing to do."

"No. It isn't." She clenched her fists. "You're infuriating."

"I'm infuriating?"

"Yes, you make me so angry. You say you can't keep doing this, well maybe I can't keep doing this either. I am trying to be here for you, I am doing everything I can to support you while you get through this. When you came here, the first day, you said you could support me too. But you can't. You're not. I need support, Jane. I need someone to keep me afloat and you're failing. For better or worse, that's what we promised. That's what I promised. I can't keep being angry at you. It's illogical. It's selfish. But I hate that you are doing this to me."

"Doing this to you?" Jane scoffed. "I'm sorry if my PTSD because of our daughter dying is such an inconvenience for you, if I'm such a failure."

"I didn't mean it like that." Her heart ached. Her throat hurt from holding back the tears. She let go, and the tears started flowing. "I'm angry all of the time and I can't just turn it off. I've tried to ignore it, I've tried to pretend it's not there. It's not fair on you, and it's not fair on the children, but I can't help it. I don't want you to give up on us, but you are, so I'm angry and I'm hurt and I can't talk about this anymore."

Maura breathed heavy breaths, and fought the tears, as she headed for the doorway.

"Now you're going to walk away?"

She turned back, briefly. "I'm going to walk away before either of us say anything more that we may regret."

"Fine. Fuck off then."

The door slammed shut behind her.

x

Maura's heels clacked against the brick patio. She tried her best to push aside the tears that threatened to fall. Her throat ached. She marched across the garden, her eyes fixed on her family laughing and joking under the afternoon sun.

"I have to leave," she whispered, glancing around the garden. She couldn't look them in the eye, she didn't want to see the concern in her children's eyes.

"Is everything okay?" Ashley asked.

"I need to go," she said again, clearing her throat. Her eyes blurred. She walked to the blanket and scooped the baby up from the floor. She kissed the top of Toby's head.

"Bye, Mommy."

Ashley reached out to her arm, wrapping her fingers around her wrist. "Mom, what's wrong?"

"I just really need to leave," she said, cradling the baby, holding her head up against her mouth. She closed her eyes, a tear strolled down her cheek. "Get an Uber, I'll give you the money later."

"Okay," Ashley said, loosening her grip. Maura reclaimed her hand and wrapped it around Maggie's back. "We'll see you at home."

The tears increased on the walk to the car. She buckled Maggie into her seat and climbed into the front. She closed her eyes, swiped at the tears until she'd cleared her vision. Maggie started crying. Everything felt so much greater the more time that passed. The argument hurt. Jane's words hurt. Maura's own words hurt. Everything hurt. Maura switched on the ignition and drove them out of the clinic grounds.

"It's okay Maggie," Maura said, her words lost in the tears that continued to flow. "Mommy's here. We'll be home soon."

She turned onto the main street and filtered into the traffic. She changed lanes, her eyes fixed on her mirrors, on the road in front. Maggie's cries increased. Her child was upset and there was nothing she could do in that moment. She glanced into her rear-view mirror, the baby's face was red and blotchy. Her heart ached.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, slowing the car as the stop light turned red. She reached a hand behind her, touched the side of Maggie's shoe. "You're okay."

The light changed to green. The car in front set off. Maura pressed down on the gas. Her eyes glazed over with tears, the blur made it difficult to see. Maura pressed down harder on the gas as she attempted to clear her eyes of tears. She tried to control herself but the tears wouldn't stop. She needed to find a safe place to stop; the road was too busy. Her emotions made it all the harder. She breathed in, the car moved forward faster than she anticipated. But the road ahead wasn't clear. She saw the car, through misty eyes, suddenly stopped in front of her; too late. She pushed down on the break. A loud bang followed. The baby cried louder as they smashed into the back of the other vehicle. The car ground to a halt.


	28. Chapter 27

**Author Notes : Every time I think I'm getting close to the end, the further away it seems to get. This chapter didn't quite go how I planned it to, but hopefully it's enjoyable all the same. Thanks for all of the comments, etc. I know Maura and Jane are frustrating a lot of you, I'm hoping to (eventually) work that out.**

* * *

When Angela rushed into the emergency room, she found Maura sitting on an examination table having her head attended to by a doctor. She ran a hand over Maura's shoulder and stared at the young man patching up a small cut to her head.

"Are you a real doctor?" she asked. "You look about twelve."

"I'm an intern," he said, placing butterfly closures across the wound. "I can assure you, I know what I'm doing."

"Not well enough, where's a proper doctor?"

"I'm fine, Angela," Maura said.

He smiled. "She's been assessed by an attending, it's a minor laceration."

"What the hell happened?"

"Just a small bump," Maura said.

"Small? You're in the emergency room having your head put back together. It doesn't look small to me."

"Really, it was," Maura said. "I rear-ended another car after the driver stalled. I banged my head on the door. The damage is minimal."

"Where's Maggie? Is she hurt?"

"She's fine. A nurse took her to the day care after they checked her over. It's been very busy; I had to wait a while."

"I thought you were spending the afternoon at the clinic with Jane."

Maura pressed her lips together. "Maggie and I came home early."

"I know. Ashley called me. She couldn't get an Uber, there's some big event taking all the cabs. She said you were crying. What happened?"

"I'm fine," Maura said. She didn't really want to go over what happened, living through it once was enough. "I'm sorry they couldn't get home. Thank you for being there for them."

"You know I'll do anything for my grandbabies." She held onto Maura's hand. "And for you. I'm here for you Maura. Anytime you need me."

"I know, thank you."

"Patched up and ready to go," the doctor said. "Do you have any questions?"

Maura hopped down off the bed. "I just want to get my daughter and go home."

"Sign here." He held out a tablet and stylus. Maura wrote her name and handed it back. "Thank you. Stay safe, Ms Isles."

She picked up her jacket and carried it towards the corridor. Angela followed close behind. Standing by the elevator, they waited for the doors to open. The easy silence gave Maura enough space to collect her thoughts. After the crash, she composed herself. The sudden shock pulled her out of her previous state.

The elevator doors opened. They stepped inside. Maura took her cell phone from her jacket pocket and switched on the front facing camera. She held it up, staring at herself as she checked over her injury.

"Are you going to tell me what happened with Jane or am I going to have to drag it out of you?"

She'd almost forgotten that Angela was even there. Maura pressed the button on her phone and returned it to her pocket. She sighed. She would have to talk about the situation eventually.

"I don't know," she said, her voice sounding more fragile than she'd heard in a long time.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that I don't know if we'll get through this."

"But you want to get through this." Maura stared up, away from Angela. "You want to sort this out, right, Maura?"

"I want Jane to want to sort this out," she said. "The accident, it was my fault. I shouldn't have been driving after getting into an argument with Jane. I certainly shouldn't have driven with Maggie in the car."

"No, you shouldn't. You didn't answer my question."

"I don't know what I want anymore," Maura said. "I love her, still. Regardless of everything that's happened. She's the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with."

"Then what's the problem?"

"Jane's the problem. Getting into the accident has reminded me why I'm doing this. Why I do anything. I want us to be happy, I want us to be a family. But if Jane doesn't want that...then I don't see any point in fighting her over it anymore. Life is too fragile. We've lost too many things, been through so much. I don't know how much more I can handle. So if Jane wants out, maybe I just need to let her go, before there's nothing left of myself to keep going."

The elevator doors opened and they walked out into the corridor. Maura walked ahead, but Angela pulled her back. She turned to face her. She finally looked into Angela's eyes, really saw the concern etched across her features. Maura's heart skipped back a couple hours to the moment before the crash. To moment before she put her intense emotions to one side to deal with the horror of the accident. The intensity flooded her mind. She closed her eyes. She felt exposed.

"I thought you were really strong," Angela said, her fingers danced across Maura's arm. "You are strong. Nobody's invincible, we all need somebody to help us."

Maura breathed in, slowly, deeply, the emotions flooded back. The adrenaline needed to deal with the situation, the block she put up while at the hospital, slipped away. She hunched over, tears flowed thick and fast covering her skin with red and white blotch marks as they made their way down her face.

"Oh Maura," Angela said, pulling her into her arms, holding her tightly.

"I need help." She choked back the tears, her words melded with great gasping sobs. "I need a break. I can't try any harder to stay together. Not when my life is falling apart."

x

"Maura's right. I'm a failure." Jane leaned back in her chair and stared at the therapist. "I failed at being a wife. I failed at being a mother. I failed at being a cop. I give in too soon. I give up the things I love because it gets hard."

"I thought you quit your job because you didn't want to risk your life anymore?"

"That's right. But I could have done something else. I could have done something better. I didn't. I failed. Then I tried to blame Maura for feelings I have myself. She's not the one who wished I'd done more with the last few years, I am."

The doctor clasped his hands together in front of him. "Jane, do you see where you are now compared to a few weeks ago?"

"Yeah."

"I would not describe that as a failure. Every day is a challenge that you're fighting. Hard. Most people who come here struggle. That's the reality of dealing with mental health issues. What I've seen from you, you're jumping into this head first like you know that you don't need to worry if the water's too shallow."

"But yesterday," she tried, but he cut her off.

"Yesterday was a difficult day. You will have them. They won't stop just because you're taking medication and getting help. You will have amazing days, you will have horrible days, and you will have days that are both good and bad. You've come this far, now you need to decide if you're going to push through to the end or give up because you couldn't handle one visit with your daughter."

One visit with her daughter.

One day.

One moment.

The therapist made sense. She couldn't see it before, but it made sense now. That one moment was small compared to the hour or so before it happened. She'd been enjoying herself, she enjoyed the time she spent with her family. She was doing well. Until that one moment. Unfortunately, none of that changed the pain she caused.

"I'm hurting Maura."

"Is she not allowed to hurt?"

She slouched. "I don't want to be the reason she's hurting."

"Why do you think she said what she said?"

"Because she was angry?"

"Why do you think she's angry?"

"Because…I didn't get help."

"Why do you think that makes her so angry?"

Over the years, Maura had not been angry that often. Jane could count on one hand the number of times she'd seen her so mad. She tried to refocus her brain, to think about Maura, instead of thinking against her.

"I…I didn't talk to her. I didn't lean on her."

"You're trying to do that now, right?" She nodded. She was trying really hard to be better at accepting help. The therapist placed his hands on his knees. "You're trying to show her that you can trust her to hold you up when you've fallen down."

"But she hates me."

"Does she?"

"No." Jane looked down at his hands on his knees. "Probably not. She's just angry."

"Why is she angry?"

She shrugged. "I don't know."

"You just said that it's because you didn't lean on her. Is that the only reason?"

"I let her down."

"In what way?"

"We're supposed to be a team. She supports me and…" Jane stopped talking. Regret travelled up her spine like a chill in the air. She sat upright, her eyes fixed on the doctor's. "I'm supposed to support her."

"Have you been supporting her?"

"No. But I haven't been able to do that. That's not my fault."

"No. It's not. Why do you think it makes Maura so angry?"

"I don't know." She gritted her teeth. The amount of questions she couldn't answer frustrated her.

"Let me rephrase. If the situation was reversed, how do you think you would feel if you were Maura? If she was in the hospital, sick, in need of your support, and you were at home having to keep everything ticking over. How would you feel?"

"Alone. When she was in the hospital after having Toby, we weren't together, but I still felt alone. I felt like the whole world didn't understand. I couldn't talk to them. I couldn't get help, because the only person I wanted to help me was her." She leaned her elbow on her knee and ran her hand through her tangled mess of hair. "Everything I've done recently has just made it worse. I wasn't there when she gave birth to Maggie. I wasn't there when she was newborn. When Maura was in hospital it wasn't her fault. I could have been there and I wasn't. I walked away. I took a stupid job that didn't matter to me because I wanted to feel like I could achieve something again, and it took me away from her. I dropped out of our relationship because I couldn't cope, and now she hates me for it."

"Hate?"

"She loves me. I know she does. But she hates me too."

He crossed one leg over the other and stared at Jane, waiting a moment for her to sit back in her seat. He clasped his hands together, again. "What would you like to do now? To address the situation."

"I need to be there for her. I need to show her that I'm trying, I need to show her that no matter what, I want to be with her. It doesn't matter how much it hurts fighting to connect with Maggie, none of that should change our relationship."

"So, what would you like to do?"

"I want to see her."

"When is she here next?"

"No." Jane shook her head. "I don't want it to be a normal visit. I don't want us to be sat in my room, or in the garden. I want to go out. I want us to spend some time together."

"I think that can be arranged."

Her mouth curved at the edges, reaching right up to her eyes. Jane's cheeks ached. "Thank you."

x

Carrying the baby's bottle in one hand and a pair of Toby's pyjama pants in the other, Maura walked up the staircase. She scooped the baby up from her crib and carried her into Toby's room.

"What are you doing?"

He turned around and grinned, before twirling around completely. One of Maura's dresses wrapped around his body.

"I'm a princess," he said.

She breathed in slowly, attempted to calm herself. "Can we please be a princess tomorrow when Nonna's looking after you? You're supposed to be getting ready for bed."

"Okay Mommy," he said, climbing out of the dress.

Maura handed him his pyjama pants. She sat down on his bed and proceeded to feed Maggie.

"Can we read the story about the boy who wants to be a princess?" Toby asked, climbing up onto the bed beside her.

Fighting back tears, Maura felt relieved when the doorbell rang. She ran her hand across Toby's head and kissed him. "I'll be back in a minute, you choose a story."

Settling the baby in her arms, she held the bottle in place while she walked back down the stairs.

"That must be Nonna, she's going to look after you tonight while Mommy goes to a hotel." Maggie suckled the bottle, her hands wrapped tightly around the edge of it. "I know, that's really good, isn't it?"

She opened the door. Maura took a step back. Jane stood on the other side, dressed in a suit with a loose necktie, carrying a small bunch of freshly picked flowers. She stared into her eyes, confusion washed over her.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"What happened to your head?"

Maura lifted her hand up to the cut. "We got into a small accident, I'm fine. Maggie's fine. It looks worse than it is. What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to take you on a date," Jane said. "If you'll accept."

Elation mixed with emotional exhaustion, and Maura wasn't sure how much she could take. She pursed her lips and looked down at the floor. Jane moved from one foot to the other.

"These are for you." Jane pushed the flowers toward Maura, her cheeks flushed. "Please come out with me. I'm not here to argue, I'm here to talk. I love you, and I want to make it right."

She took the flowers from Jane and held them up to her nose. "They smell lovely. Thank you."

"What do you say? Would you go to dinner with me?"

Maura stood up a little taller. She shifted Maggie's weight from one arm to the other, lifting her bottle up a little. She didn't know what she wanted. But she needed a break.

"Okay." She paused. "What about the children? Ashley's at work. Your mother said she'd come over but she's late."

"That's because she was picking me up."

"Hi, Maura," Angela said, popping out from the other side of the doorframe. "Babysitter reporting for duty. Now go to your hotel, you've got a dinner reservation in an hour."

x

Jane and Maura sat across from each other, a bottle of wine open between them, and plates of food half empty. The silence was palpable. Jane stabbed a green bean and chewed it off the end of her fork. She glanced up at Maura, who ate slowly, silently. She invited her out. It was her job to speak, to make the first move, to prove to Maura that she was ready. But the words caught in her throat. She picked up Maura's glass of wine and downed it.

"Should you be drinking that?"

"Probably not," she said. "Dutch courage."

"I see." Maura pursed her lips and picked up her napkin, which she placed on top of her plate.

"Was the accident because of me?" Jane asked.

"No." She put her knife and fork next to each other. "It happened after our argument but it was entirely my fault. I wasn't fit to drive and I shouldn't have endangered our daughter."

"I'm sure you didn't mean for it to happen" Jane said, reaching her hand across the table towards Maura's.

She pulled her hand back. "You invited me out and you've barely said a word."

"I know. I'm trying."

"I don't mean to sound petulant, or rude, but I was really hoping for a quiet night alone."

"I'm sorry." Jane sighed and tossed her napkin on the table. "Maybe I shouldn't have invited you out tonight. I'm sorry, I'll leave you to enjoy your time alone."

She stood up. Maura's eyes followed her. Jane forged an apologetic smile and walked out of the restaurant. She could only do so much to fight, eventually Maura would have to meet her in the middle. She took some bills from her jacket pocket and handed them to a waiter on the way out of the room.

In the hotel lobby, she stood in the doorway, contemplating leaving entirely. Doubtful that she was making the right decision. She was rash, her decision to take Maura out came from her. She didn't ask if it was a good time for Maura, just assumed that it would be okay.

"You didn't leave."

Jane turned. Maura stared at her, her eyes glistened under the lobby lights. She stared back. The bags under Maura's eyes carried the weight of their relationship, a weight that she hadn't thought to carry for too long. She stepped forward, cautiously. Desperation spread through her.

"There's too much to say, I don't know where to begin," Jane said, lifting her hand to Maura's cheek. "I need to explain, I need to listen more, I need to be there for you and pull myself together. I need to show you that you mean everything to me."

"I have a room," Maura said, covering Jane's hand with her own. "Maybe it would be best if we had some privacy?"

They took the elevator up to Maura's room. Silence fell between them, holding them apart as they walked down the corridor and Maura unlocked the door to her room. Inside, Jane stood with her hands in her pockets, unsure of what to do next. She'd been alone with Maura on so many occasions, but not so alone. There was always a nurse waiting to come and see her, or her mother's impending arrival.

"I don't know where to begin," Jane said again.

"Are you willing to fight for our family?"

"Like I've never fought before."

The gap between them closed. Maura's fingers wrapped around Jane's face, pulling her closer until her lips trailed across Jane's. She reacted, her mouth merged against Maura's, her tongue dancing back and forth between their mouths. She enveloped her, squeezing her tightly up in her embrace.

"We need to talk," Jane said, stepped back briefly, still holding Maura in her arms.

Maura shook her head, tears escaped her eyes. "I don't want to talk. I want to feel you close. I want to remember why we're doing this."

"You want to have sex?" Jane brushed the tears from Maura's cheek.

"I don't know what's going to happen next," she whispered, biting back tears. "When we start talking, I don't know if we're going to end up arguing again or if we'll work through everything. I don't have the energy to fight right now. I just want to feel close to you. I've missed this, I've missed you, and I need to feel happy, even if it's the last time."

Jane brushed Maura's hair back behind her ear and leaned close. She pressed her lips to her cheek. "I don't want this to be the last time."

Scooping her up into her arms, Jane trailed her lips along Maura's collarbone, her fingers danced across her skin. She captured her lips, pulling her closer, tugging at the back of her dress. She placed her down on the bed, her mouth took over, her fingers skirted the edges of her clothes. She unbuttoned her pants and pushed them away, tossed her shirt and bra across the room. She scooted up the bed, tugging Maura's dress from her arms as she pulled her back against her body. She couldn't speak. Words got lost in kisses, thought got lost in the reaction of her body to Maura's touch.

* * *

 **Author Notes : I never intended for Maura to be seriously hurt, sorry if I scared any of you there for a moment. It was just one of those things that had to happen to push her in the right direction. Onwards and upwards from here! They also weren't supposed to have sex, but what can you do when they insist they want to have sex *before* talking?!**


	29. Chapter 28

**Author Notes** **: Thanks for the comments, etc. I've noticed a few times my story doesn't always show as updated in the list, which is annoying. I hope nobody is missing chapters because of it. The last chapter I posted on May 11 and it was still saying May 10. Here's more...**

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Maura drew circles across Jane's arm, her heart burst with love, and hope, and expectation for something more than before. Settled in the middle of it was a sense of foreboding, of worry. The inevitable conversation was moments away. She trailed her fingertips across Jane's elbow. It could wait. It could all wait. For just one more moment. They could hide away in the hotel room, pretend that the world around them didn't exist, and live the perfect life. For one more minute.

"I have to be back at the clinic for eleven," Jane said, pressing her lips to Maura's shoulder. "We should talk."

One more second.

Pressing her lips together, Maura rolled away from Jane. She needed to think. She needed to reform the words in her brain that came and went frequently before she'd allowed herself to get caught up in the moment.

"We can't avoid it forever."

"I know." She turned back into Jane's arms, her eyes fixed on brown. "I don't know if I'm ready for it all to fall apart again."

Jane leaned down, moving her lips across Maura's shoulder blade, her chin, and on up to her mouth. "It doesn't have to fall apart."

"Don't," Maura whispered. She wrapped her fingers around Jane's face, tugging her closer. She pulled her bottom lip into her mouth. "Don't make me want you if this is the last time."

"It's not," Jane said, lifting herself up and over the top of Maura. One hand, one knee, on either side of her body. She stared down, her hair tickled Maura's bare skin.

She shook her head and placed a hand on Jane's shoulder, pushing her back. Jane rolled over and lay down beside her. Maura stared up at the ceiling, at the dusty light fitting in the centre of the room, at a couple of small cracks in the plaster. Nothing was perfect.

Jane cleared her throat. "What do we do now?"

"We…talk." She sighed. She didn't want to push Jane away. She didn't want to feel like everything was about to be destroyed. She clung to passion, and love, and a hope that maybe it would all work out. "A lot. We consider each other in everything we say and do."

Jane scooted closer, her lips inches from Maura's ear. "I promise to do that."

Maura rolled onto her side, closing the inches between them. She interlinked her fingers with Jane's, pulling her knuckles up to the edge of her mouth. "And we have a lot of sex."

"That's your prescription, Doctor Isles?" Jane asked, raising her eyebrows and chewing her bottom lip.

"Yes," she stared into her eyes. The fear of what was to come slowly melted way. Lost in the connection she felt. They still hadn't said much. It could still go wrong. But she held onto that moment. "What greater physical connection is there? I feel closest to you when we're helping each other fulfil our most basic desires. When we're completely vulnerable to each other, physically and emotionally."

"I used to think that." Jane brushed her hand up and down Maura's arm, her skin tingled under her touch. "God Maura, I used to think that. Going to therapy, seeing what it's like to give yourself up emotionally. I'd give sex up for the rest of my life if it meant we could have that deeper connection."

"We already do, Jane. We're already connected in so many ways; Ashley, Toby, Maggie…Amelia. If what happened to Amelia can't tear us apart, if this can't tear us apart, nothing can."

"You know I didn't mean the things I said."

"Didn't you?"

"When I feel like I'm going backwards, I feel like I won't get better. I don't want to put that on you and the kids," Jane said. "I love them too much. I love and respect you more than that. I had a bad day."

"You're likely to have many more, can you guarantee you won't try to give up again?"

Jane pushed her face against Maura's neck and closed her eyes. "I can't promise that. All I can do is try to do better."

She wrapped herself up in Jane's arms. "Do you really want to do this alone?"

"Never."

"I know you're scared that you'll hurt the children. It wasn't fair of me to push against that. As long as we surround them with love, and try to shield them from the worst of your days, then I don't think you have anything to worry about."

"I think it'll get easier to see when I need time away," Jane said.

"I'll do everything I can to make sure you get that," Maura said. "Even if I have to drop everything."

"I'm sorry I called you out on being busy."

Maura rolled onto her back. Jane shuffled up beside her, her arm draped across Maura's stomach. "You were right. I jumped head first into a new career at a time when neither of us needed that. I blamed you for running away, for not facing your problems. But that's exactly what I did. I ran to my career, and I hid in my residency and in late shifts, when I should have been at home."

"Nobody can blame you for that," Jane said.

" _I blame me_." Maura slid her hand down Jane's back. "When Amelia died, and you weren't coping, I sent you to therapy because I didn't feel able to cope with it on my own. But mostly, I'd worked through some of my grief and I didn't want to deal with any more."

"It was a shitty time for everyone."

Maura closed her eyes. Tears gathered behind her eyelids. "It was a horrible time and I made it worse for you. When I should have checked in and made sure you were getting better, I pretended that you were fine. I wanted you to be fine, and in my head I let myself believe it until I thought it was true."

"You can't blame yourself for any of this, Maur."

"But I do." She turned over, away from Jane. The tears forced their way through the gap between her closed eyes. She let them trail down her nose, sideways across her face. "All this time I've been angry at you for falling apart, when really I've been angry at myself for letting you. For not stopping it."

"Stop this," Jane said, sitting up and leaning over her. "Stop blaming yourself for something that I'm just as to blame for. We've both made mistakes. We both ignored things we shouldn't."

The words sunk in long before the feelings that followed. For the first time since Amelia's death, Maura felt like Jane was really there beside her.

"We lost our daughter, Maura. We lost out tiny baby before she was even born. We were both there in that room when she died."

Maura turned back to Jane. "You had to go through the trauma of giving birth to her, knowing that she was unlikely to be alive."

"But you delivered her." Jane cupped her cheeks. "You tried to save her, even though you knew it was already too late. It was horrible for both of us. Just because I didn't deal with it and let it all build up into this, it doesn't mean that what happened was any less traumatic for you."

"I thought I put it to bed. After therapy, I reached a place where I felt better, and I thought that was it."

"It's never gonna be it," Jane said, kissing the tears away. "How can we ever get over it?"

"We can't." Maura twisted herself completely around and wrapped her arms around Jane's body, holding her close. She pushed her face into the side of her neck and let the tears coat her skin.

"We just have to keep fighting, together."

Maura pulled back, her face awash with tears and red blotches. She wiped her cheeks and sat up, untangling herself from Jane. All of her hope and expectation for a positive outcome slipped away. She picked up the bed sheet and wrapped it tightly around her shoulders.

"What's wrong?" Jane sat up beside her.

"We've said and we've done all the right things tonight," she said. "But we still need to talk about Maggie."

"What about her?"

"I went back to my therapist because I knew I was falling apart. I had to do something. When we talked, I realised something that I didn't know before."

"Just spit it out, Maur."

"You didn't want her. You didn't want us to have a baby." She suspected it, but when Jane lowered her head, she felt herself gasp. "I didn't want that to be true."

" _I'm sorry_."

"You have nothing to be sorry about," she whispered, her voice painfully quiet. She tried to swallow but the lump in her throat wouldn't budge. She slipped her legs over the edge of the bed and leaned forward. "It's _my_ fault. If it wasn't for me, pushing you to have another child, we wouldn't have a daughter you don't want. If it wasn't for me, Maggie wouldn't be here, and you wouldn't have to feel like you don't want her."

"Don't say that."

"It's true."

"No." Jane kneeled up behind her. She wrapped an arm around Maura's chest and rested her face against the side of her head. "It _was_ true. It's not your fault that I didn't want another baby. I couldn't handle the thought of what would happen if we lost her, like we lost Amelia."

Maura clung to Jane's arm. "I was scared every single day that something was going to happen."

"It didn't. We have a beautiful baby and you are the reason why she's here. I'm proud of you, Maura, for everything you do to keep our family going. I'm _trying_ to cope with how I feel about Maggie. She's here and I don't wish she wasn't, not anymore. It's gonna take time."

"I wish you didn't have to go back to the clinic," Maura said, kissing her arm. She moved her lips along her skin, twisting round to continue the trail up to her mouth. "I want you to stay here with me."

"Me too," Jane said, holding her chin. She leaned in and embraced her. "It won't be long. I won't let it go on for much longer. I'm coming home to you soon, I promise."

x

"You look like the cat that got the cream," the therapist said. "I take it last night went well."

"I had sex with my wife," Jane said, sitting down.

He raised an eyebrow. "I hope you found time to talk, also."

"Of course." She crossed one leg over the other, then moved it back again. "I can't stop thinking about her. I feel like I did when we got together for the first time."

"What does that feel like?"

She smiled. "It feels amazing. I love her, so much. I am so fucking attracted to her right now. I just want to rip her clothes off and make love to her everywhere."

"But you can't," he said.

"No." She sighed. "I want to go home. I want to be with my wife. I'm _ready_ to be with my wife."

"It sounds like you had a fantastic time, and I don't want to dissuade you from feeling the elation of a good day," he said.

"But?" She frowned. "There's a but coming along?"

"Yes. But, you spent an amazing day with your _wife_. Not your whole family. It was only a couple days ago that you were struggling with the connection between you and your daughter. If it was just your wife at home, I would recommend your leaving the clinic. You're right, you're ready to leave here in all of the ways we measure everyone. But I don't think you're ready to be at home with your daughter. I can't sign off on that aspect of your file."

The ground hit her with a bump. Jane slouched back in her chair, the air completely knocked out of her. The last few days had been such a rollercoaster, coming out of a dark spell and into the light gave her energy she hadn't felt in such a long time. It felt cruel to be reminded of the fragility of her state.

"I know you're saying that because I need to hear it, but you fucking suck."

"I'm sorry." He sat up straight. "But I'm glad you can see why I did say it. We've talked about having bad days, and we touched upon good days. I think this is the first time you've experienced such a positive moment."

"I feel like a teenager who's had sex for the first time and now all they want to do is have sex…but their parents won't let them out of the house."

"I know this is disappointing."

"I know," she said, sighing. "I know it's the right thing to do. It's not like anybody's forcing me to stay here. I can leave any time I want to."

"Are you considering discharging yourself?"

"No." She shook her head. "I know I need to listen to you. I don't wanna screw anything else up. Maura and I have just reconnected, and it was amazing. We're also in a really fragile place right now. I don't wanna rock the boat, I don't want to put more stress on her than I have to."

"Today is a good day," he said. "The way you're talking, I really do believe you have reached a tipping point. We just need to find a solution to ensure that you can finally leave the clinic without feeling like it's too difficult to be at home with your family. But we need to take that transition slowly. When you are ready to be at home, that's not to say you will be able to go back to how you were before."

"I know. _Everything's_ changed. Even my relationship with my other kids."

"How do you think those relationships have changed?"

"I don't know yet," she said. "I shot and killed the man Ashley loved. She said she doesn't blame me, I know it was the only option. But how can that not change things for us? I've not been there. I've missed things. Tomorrow I'm going to miss my son trying out for the local Little League."

"Do you think that matters to him? That you won't be there?"

"It matters to _me_. Baseball is my thing. When he was small Maura said I can teach him all about it, and that's what we've done. Over the last few years, it's one of the activities we do together."

"When Toby is an adult, what do you think he'll remember about his childhood?"

"I dunno," she shrugged.

"Do you think he'll remember all of the times you've played baseball together? How you taught him to throw a ball?"

"Probably."

"Do you think he'll remember who stood and watched as he tried out for a team?"

"I guess he might not."

He leaned forward. "The things we do are so much more important than the things we don't do. If you show him how much he means to you, and you make up for all of the things you can't do, then you've tried your best to give him his best start in life."

"Using that same logic," Jane said. "I guess Maggie probably won't remember that I wasn't around at the start. If I make up for it now, that's what matters."

"When you're struggling with her, try to hold on to that."


	30. Chapter 29

**Author Note** **: Thank you all for your wonderfulness. Here's some more. There's not much left and I *hope* to finish it before Monday when I disappear off the face of the earth for two whole weeks...well...not literally. I'll probably be around a little, try to write, etc. but I'll be in a hostel in London for a few days, then spending a lot of time with family. I'll do everything I can to keep updating a little, but can't promise anything. Which is why I want to get this story finished, so that I can focus on the others. I'm also working on another story that I want to fine tune and perfect before I post any of it.**

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Toby pushed his hand into his baseball mitt and pummelled it with his balled up fist. He marched down the corridor of the clinic, Maura's palm rested against his back. At the door to Jane's room, he stopped and stared up at Maura.

"Mommy, do I look good?"

She smiled and ran a hand across his shoulder. "You look very dapper."

"What's dapper?"

"It means elegant."

He frowned and looked down at his baseball outfit. "Baseball isn't dapper."

"No," she said. "You look like a professional."

His smile returned and he pushed on the door, disappearing through the small gap before Maura opened it fully and stepped inside.

"Toby!" Jane stood up from her seat across the room and scooped him into her arms. "What are you guys doing here? You're supposed to be at try outs."

"We came to see you, silly," Toby said, closing his eyes and squeezing his hands tightly around her waist.

Jane brushed her fingers through his hair and crouched down beside him. "I know but you should be on your way, it's important."

"You're more important," he said, stepping backward.

Maura watched from the sidelines, quietly contemplating her family. Everything Jane had ever done for Toby had led to this moment. He had become the person he was today because of Jane. He loved baseball, and wanted to play in a team, because of Jane. She didn't notice how long she'd been staring until Jane stared back, expecting an answer.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"I asked what time the try out is at, because I don't want our future star to be late."

"It's at eleven."

"Best get going if you want to get there in time to warm up, kid," Jane said, kissing Toby's cheek. "Good luck."

"How about you say that in the car?"

Jane's eyes bugged, her mouth dropped open. "What do you mean in the car?"

"I know how important this is to you," Maura said, stepping forward and running her fingers across Jane's head. "It's important to Toby, too. So, we asked the clinic if you could come along."

She stood up. Maura's fingers slipped away. "They said yes?"

"They said yes," Maura said, wrapping her arms around Jane's back and capturing her lips.

"Ew, gross," Toby said.

Jane stepped back and wrapped an arm around Toby's front, pulling him against her. She tucked a hand around his eyes and leaned back in to Maura.

"Let's go," Toby shouted, wriggling out of Jane's arms. "We don't want to be late."

"No siree," Jane said, gripping Maura's fingers and following Toby out of the room.

x

"Go Toby!" Jane shouted, clapping her hands together as she watched him running back and forth across the field. "Faster, faster. You got it kid."

A few minutes later, he ran back across the field, his cheeks bright pink and gasping for breath. Jane handed him a plastic bottle and he gulped down water.

"Am I doing good, Mama?"

"You're doing amazing, kid," Jane said, ruffling his hair. She took the bottle from his hands and squirted it across his face. "That better?"

"I'm happy you came," he said, wrapping his arms around her waist before running off across the field.

"Don't forget your mitt." Jane handed him the glove before he ran off again, joining the other children surrounding the coaches.

"He's a little firecracker," Angela said, clapping her hands and shouting across the field. "Go Toby!"

"Was Jane like that when it came to baseball?" Maura asked.

"Worse," Angela said. "She wouldn't let any of us watch her at try outs, not when she was little. She made us look the other way while she did her thing. I'm glad you grew out of that, baby. My favourite Saturdays were watching you play."

Jane walked backward, away from Angela's outstretched hands. Bashing into a table behind her, she succumbed to her mother's insistence at kissing her cheek. She brushed the damp skin like a child.

"Not in public, Ma."

"She used to do that too."

x

Maura's heart ached. Toby pushed his face into the side of Jane's neck, tears flowing down his cheeks. She hated seeing him so upset. She wanted to hold him tightly, but as with any baseball disappointment past and present, the only person he wanted was Jane.

"It was your first try out," she said, brushing his tears from his cheeks. "You did your very best and that's all we want. For you to try real hard. I know you're sad. But you're only six, Toby. They let you try out because you're seven next month. Next time we can train harder and we can practice more."

"You said you'd help me practice."

"I know. I know we were going to train together for this one. I'm sorry." Jane cupped his cheeks. "Mommy and Nonna are gonna take you home and get you a big bowl of ice cream, how does that sound?"

"No, you!"

"I can't, kid, you know I have to go back to the clinic."

"Why do you have to live there?" he asked, his shoulders shook, his words caught up in tears. "Why don't you live at home?"

Jane lowered her head. Maura knelt beside them and reached for Jane's hand. "We've talked about this, Toby. Mama's getting better but you have to be really patient for a little while longer."

"It's _not fair_."

"I know, I know it's not." Maura wrapped a hand around Jane's shoulder, and tugged Toby closer, squeezing him against her other side. "This is what we have to remember when we're feeling sad."

"I don't want to go back as much as you don't want me to," Jane said, reaching out to Toby. He tugged his hand away.

"Mama misses you as much as you miss her," Maura said. "I promise you that really soon you'll be able to spend some time together. Just the two of you. Then you can practice as much baseball as you want."

He glanced up, his eyes landed on Jane's. "Can we go to a game?"

"What do you say, Mama?" Maura turned to Jane. "Will you and Toby go to a game?"

"You betcha." Jane stood up. "Have we got time for ice cream before I have to go?"

"I think we can make time."

x

The bowl was bigger than Toby's face, and filled with an array of ice cream flavours, sauces, and toppings. Jane pushed her spoon into one scoop and licked it clean. She closed her eyes and opened her mouth.

"What's wrong, Mama?"

"Brain freeze," she said, laughing. "Don't eat too quickly."

"It's yummy."

"I know. But we have a lot to eat and if you eat it quickly you'll get full sooner, or you'll get brain freeze."

"Chocolate is my favourite," he said, digging into a chocolate scoop. He switched across to a green scoop. "No, mint chocolate is my favourite."

"What about strawberry?" Jane asked, holding her spoon out toward him. He opened his mouth and closed it around her spoon. "Good?"

"Strawberry is my favourite."

"You'll hate them all if you eat all that," Maura said, raising an eyebrow. "Why did I say this was a good idea?"

"Because you love us," Jane said.

"That's right, Mommy, because you love us."

She slipped into the booth beside Jane. Pushing the bowl towards Toby, Jane let him tuck into it alone. She wrapped an arm around Maura's waist and pulled her close. Another great day. Things were finally starting to look up.

"Hey, they put chocolate animals inside the ice cream," Toby shouted, holding out a chocolate shape on his spoon. "Looks like a cat."

"Meow!"

Toby giggled and dropped the chocolate cat back into the bowl. "Eat more, Mama."

Jane picked up her spoon and dipped it into the mint chocolate flavour. She lifted it back across the table toward Maura. "Mommy loves mint chocolate."

"I do," Maura said, opening her mouth and pulling her closed lips away. "That's really good mint chocolate."

"I like mint chocolate best," Toby said, finishing off the scoop. "Where's Nonna?"

"She's in the bathroom. When she comes back it's time to go."

"But I haven't finished my ice cream."

"We'll see if they can transfer it to a cup so you can take it home."

"I don't wanna."

"It's home time, Toby," Jane said.

"No!" He threw the spoon down on the table and it clattered across the wood and onto the seat beside Jane.

She stared at him. Her mouth open wide. She turned to Maura, words escaped her.

"Tobias," Maura said, jumping in. "You _do not_ throw things across the room."

"I wanna go with Mama."

"You can't."

"But I wanna."

Maura sat forward, her eyes fixed on Toby's. "If you don't stop this right now you'll be going to bed the moment you get home."

"No I won't."

" _Yes_ , you will."

" _No. I. Won't._ "

Jane leaned forward across the table and gripped Toby's hand. He tried to pull it back, but Jane wrapped a second hand around it.

"Stop this."

He sat back in his seat, his bottom lip protruded and his hand still outstretched.

"You will not talk to Mommy like that, do you hear me? You will show her some respect. You're disappointed about try outs, and you're sad that I can't come home. I get that. It's okay to feel like that. I want to come home too. But it doesn't matter how upset or angry you are. You don't shout at your Mommy like that. Okay?"

A couple of tears strolled down his cheeks, his arms folded across his chest. "Okay."

x

"He's so sad," Jane said, slouching in her seat. "I know he's young, but why couldn't they just pick him?"

"I know." Maura signalled left and turned the car. "But you know more than most that even children's leagues are competitive."

"He's so good. He deserves a chance."

"Is he really good?" Maura asked. "Or are you doing the soccer mom thing where you think your child is the best because he's your child?"

"No, I'm serious. He's good. For his age, he's a good player."

"There'll always be the next try out. You said it yourself, they only let him try out for the team because he's nearly seven. Next time he'll be a little older, and he'll do better."

"Where are we going?" Jane twisted round in her seat. "I thought the clinic was the other way,"

Maura focused on the road ahead. She coughed to disguise the smile creeping across her face. "We're going the right way."

"No, Maura," Jane said. "We were supposed to turn already."

"We're going a different way."

"I hate that he's so upset about me being at the clinic," Jane said. "I thought he was okay."

"He was."

"What changed?"

"I don't know." Maura signalled and turned again. "I suppose seeing you outside of the clinic, for a change, maybe reminded him what he's been missing. Then being upset about try outs."

"Will you give him an extra squeeze from me when you get home?"

"Of course," said Maura. "You did really well with him today. When he was upset, I thought I'd have to deal with it."

"It felt normal. _I_ felt normal, for a change." Jane glanced out of the window, her eyebrows pulled together. "Why are we going a different way? Does this road even go to the clinic?"

"I wanted to spend some more time with you."

" _Oh_." Jane raised an eyebrow. "I like the sound of that. Are we pulling over somewhere?"

Maura turned her head, then glanced back at the road. "I am not going to have sex with you in the car."

"Come on, Maura," she said. "It's not like we get any privacy anymore. I feel like I've not had sex in years."

"It's been three days."

"Like I said, years."

Maura pressed her lips together, a smirk threatening to take over. "Not in the car."

She refocused her attention on the road, indicated and turned right.

"Jane!"

"What?"

"Take your hand off my leg."

She slid her hand further up the edge of her thigh. Maura pressed them together trapping Jane's hand.

"That's not fair."

Despite the prison, Jane still moved her hand higher.

"Get your hand off my leg before I crash the car," she said, reaching down and tugging her hand away. "The last thing we need is for both cars to be out of action."

"Spoilsport." Jane frowned. "Now we're really not going to the clinic. Why are we in Beacon Hill? The clinic's miles away."

Maura stayed silent. She turned into another street, then took a right. "Can you get the buzzer from the door?"

"What buzzer?" Jane asked, looking down at the door.

"There's a buzzer in the door compartment," Maura said. Jane held up a plastic box with a button on it. "That's it. Press it."

"Why? Is it some funky sex thing?"

"You're insatiable."

"I don't know what that is, but if it means I want you, then yes, I am."

Maura signalled right. Jane stared at her, her eyebrows creased together. She pressed the button and a gate slid open. Maura pressed down on the gas and drove through the gate.

"This definitely isn't the clinic," Jane said. "And it's not a hotel."

Pulling the car into a parking space, Maura shut off the engine. "We're at your apartment."

"I don't have an apartment." Jane scrunched up her nose. "Maura, why do I have an apartment?"

She retrieved the key from her purse and placed it into Jane's hand. The look of confusion made her laugh. She didn't like to deceive her, nor did she like to ruin a surprise.

"I bought it. Well, in the process of. An old friend was selling so we came to an arrangement so that we could have it immediately while the paperwork goes through."

Jane choked back her words. "I thought we were good. Why do I need an apartment? Are you kicking me out?"

"I'm not kicking you out."

"Unless we're all moving? But why would we move into an apartment? I was joking about the cardboard box. I like Brookline. I want a garden to play baseball with Toby."

Maura's lips curved at the edges right on up to her eyes. "Don't look so worried. We're perfect. This is where you're going to stay for a while."

"From when?"

"From today."

"I'm not going back to the clinic?"

"No, you're not. Except for visits to your therapist, which they've agreed you can do as an outpatient."

Jane frowned again. "But why an apartment? They said I shouldn't leave."

"I spoke to your doctors and they said you shouldn't go home to where the children are. So I suggested an alternative arrangement that means you can get out of the clinic and not live with the children."

"So, I'm staying here on my own?"

"On your own, but I'll come and stay as much as I can. I'll balance my time between you and the children."

"Wait, you bought a whole apartment just so I could have somewhere to stay while I can't come home?"

"I considered a rental but figured we might as well invest the money into something long term. When you move back I thought we could offer it to Ashley. Her moving to the house was only ever a short term arrangement and she's been there for five years. I know she'd like her own space. If she'd rather find somewhere herself we can always rent it out."

"You are a genius, Maura." Jean leaned across and pressed her lips to Maura's.

"Yes, I am."

"No, I mean..." Jane paused. "Never mind. I love you."


	31. Chapter 30

**Author Notes : I keep trying to get to the end of this story, and something keeps jumping in the way. This was not supposed to be this chapter. The next chapter was supposed to be this chapter, but this one decided to force its way in before the end. Which means I may not finish before my trip to London. However, I do have a 2 hour train journey during which I may be able to write, sooo...hopefully it won't affect things too much.**

* * *

Jane rested a hand on Maggie's chest and felt the slow and gentle movement of every breath. She watched her tiny lips press together and open briefly, subtle movements that only happened when she slept. She looked across to Maura, lay beside her, watching her every movement.

"Today I feel like I can do this," she said, glancing back down to Maggie. "Thanks for bringing her over."

"You look as relaxed as Maggie, and considering she's been up half the night, that says a lot."

"I think I feel a little bit of it."

"A bit of what?"

"Love." Jane leaned down, resting her head beside Maggie. She looked back at Maura. "I feel like she's finally part of me. I don't know which part, but there's something there that wasn't there last time I saw her."

Maura smiled. She reached across Maggie and pushed Jane's hair back from the side of her face. Jane turned her cheek against the palm of her hand and held it close.

"Toby wanted to come with us. I told him you'd take him to the park after school tomorrow, if you have time."

"I've always got time for him," Jane said. "Maybe we could all go."

"Do you feel ready to spend time with them both together?"

Jane shrugged. Fear and excitement mixed together described it more accurately. "I've been out of the clinic for two weeks. I feel stronger every day. I have to try eventually."

"I have a therapy session at three, we could go after."

"Or I could take Maggie and Toby on my own."

The words left Jane's mouth before she processed her suggestion. The idea didn't entirely frighten her. She watched Maura, cautious of the difference between the words that may come out of her mouth and her true feelings on the matter. She didn't look nearly as worried as Jane expected.

"There's a small park a few blocks from my therapist's office. An hour would be a good start."

"You're agreeing to that?"

"Did you think I wouldn't?"

"I didn't think I'd suggest it."

"But you did."

"I did."

"It's your decision."

"Yeah. Okay. I'll try."

"Maybe next time you could spend some time with Maggie at home," Maura said. "You could bathe her and put her to bed."

Jane sat upright. She averted her gaze. Her mind drifted away from the room. A heavy weight settled on her chest. She tried to maintain steady pace of breath but it was too difficult. She stared into Maura's eyes, forcing her mind back into the room, desperate for her to understand without having to tell her.

"Maybe not," Maura said. She gripped Jane's hand. "What happened? Where did you go?"

"That room."

"Which room?"

"Maggie's room." Jane sighed. "I don't think I could go inside."

Maura frowned, squeezed tighter round Jane's fingers. "When was the last time you did?"

She shook her head. She talked about that day with her therapist repeatedly. They discussed what happened, how she felt, and what feelings it brought up in the present day. Consciously, Jane didn't remember her avoidance of the room, but deep down she that was exactly what she'd done.

"I don't remember." She pressed her fingertips to her eyelids, forced tears from her skin. "I don't think I want to go back to that house at all."

" _Oh_."

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry about," Maura said. "I just wasn't expecting you to say that."

"I didn't think it'd be a problem. When I was in the clinic it was the only place I wanted to be. Now I'm here I realised I only wanted to come home because it was the only option I had. I feel safe here. I feel stronger."

"Maybe we've had enough Maggie time," Maura said, scooping her into her arms and carrying her out of the bedroom.

"Maura," Jane said, chasing after her. "You don't have to go."

"I know." She placed the baby into her car seat on the couch and buckled her in. "I need some time to think."

"What about?"

"I don't know what to do if you can't live in our home." Maura picked the car seat up in one hand and her purse in the other. "I don't know how I feel about it right now."

Jane grasped her fingers. "We'll find a way."

x

"You look like you're nervous."

Maura placed her hands on her knees to stop them jiggling. "I'm sorry. Jane is at the park with the children."

"It sounds like there's been some progress," said Doctor Neuman.

"She's doing better than I thought she would being out of the clinic," Maura said. "Seeing how far she's come in a short space of time with Maggie made me happier than I thought possible."

Doctor Neuman narrowed her eyes. "I sense everything isn't as simple as it sounds."

"No." She sighed. "Jane doesn't think she can come home, to our home. She feels safe in the apartment. At home there's Maggie's bedroom. _Amelia's_ bedroom."

"The place where you suffered your greatest loss."

"A selfish part of me wants to make her come home," Maura said. "I want us to be a family, to feel like a family. The apartment was a way to give Jane some freedom without traumatising her further. Only, now it's become such a crutch that I doubt my original intention."

"What makes you doubt your decision to buy the apartment?"

"If I didn't buy the apartment then Jane wouldn't have any other option."

"If Jane didn't have another option, what do you think would have happened?"

"She would have come home." She didn't want to think beyond that. It was the safe answer and the only one that mattered. Until her brain carried on moving. "She would have suffered a massive setback and probably ended up back at the clinic."

Doctor Neuman folded her hands on top of her knee. "How does it make you feel to consider that option?"

"Sad." She breathed in deeply and let it out quickly. "I'm angry."

"At Jane?"

" _No_. Not at Jane." The anger she had felt towards her wife had disappeared at some point and Maura had been glad for that. "This isn't her fault, she's only just realised the effect the thought of returning home has. I'm angry at the situation."

"What about it makes you feel that way?"

"I," she paused. There were other houses. There were plenty of other houses. She knew that logically they could move and start anew somewhere else. It wouldn't be difficult. They had the financial capacity to make that change. She just didn't want to. "We built a life together in that house. _Everything_ is attached to it."

"What is attached to it that matters to you most?"

"It's the first place we spent time together outside of work. It was the place we connected. _All_ of Toby's firsts are in that house; I'll always remember his first steps and the first time he threw a baseball. Ashley turned up on our doorstep there, though we met her briefly before then. The _happiest_ moments of my life were spent with Jane, in _our home_."

"It sounds like it's become a special place for you." Doctor Neuman paused. "A house that holds a lifetime."

Maura felt the tears on her face before she realised she was crying. She leaned forward and wiped at the end of her nose. Doctor Neuman handed her a tissue. She dabbed it against her cheek. Her emotions overwhelmed her. She choked back the tears and forced herself to speak through them.

"When I bought the house I was alone. My life revolved around working. I read the journals that helped me to progress as a medical examiner, in my bedroom. I pieced together the cases that made my career sitting at the dining table. For most of my life I've been alone. Until I met Jane. She introduced me to so many people and I had friends for the first time. Real, adult friends who treated me with respect and showed me the love and kindness I always wanted." She paused. She swallowed the lump that settled in the back of her throat. "It's where I learned to be the me I am today. Someone who can talk to people without being afraid, who can have a career that doesn't involve spending hours with corpses. Where I learned to not be afraid. It's the only home that's felt happy."

"How did those changes come about?"

" _Jane_. She taught me that confidence can come from within. She pushed me in the ways that mattered. She believed I could do it, and after a while I could. She didn't lose hope or interest when I scared people away and she made every moment easier to handle."

Doctor Neuman smiled. "And what changes have you made to the house since you moved in?"

"Changes?" Maura frowned.

"Have you redecorated? Knocked down a wall? Built a vegetable garden?"

"We redecorated a couple of times."

"What was the wallpaper like when you first moved in?"

"I think it was green in the living room, I don't really recall."

"Maura." Doctor Neuman leaned forward. "It sounds to me like your house has been part of a massive transition in your life. It's been the place where you started out alone and now you've changed and you have an amazing family. But I wonder how much of it is the house, and how much of it is the people?"

"What do you mean?"

"The way you talk about your home is not about the items you keep in it. Your memories are not about objects. They're about _people_. Your home is not bricks and mortar. Your home is the people you've filled your house with."

"I wish that made it easier to let it go," she said, brushing the last remaining tears from her eyelids.

"What's the one thing you think about when you think about letting go?"

"Letting go of Amelia."

Doctor Neuman frowned. "Do you think if you let go of the house you have to let go of your daughter?"

"We _lost_ her in the house. Our whole world fell apart in the house. How can I let go of that?"

"Letting go of a place does not have to mean letting go of the feelings we felt whilst in said place. Nor does it have to mean letting go of the memories we share with our loved ones." She paused. "Maura, what is your favourite memory from growing up?"

"When I was four years old my mother gave me a doll as a gift. She'd spent a month in Europe and I was looked after by the nanny. The doll was her way of making up for her absence. I loved that doll like it was a companion. It helped me through my earlier childhood right up until I went to boarding school."

"Why did you choose that memory?"

"It makes me feel happy, it was a moment of joy in an otherwise lonely childhood."

"I'm not trying to force you to make a decision either way," Doctor Neuman said. "But I want you to consider that your memories are attached to your feelings, and not to the places we experienced them. You remember the doll and you remember the joy, I imagine you don't remember the finer details of your childhood home."

"No." She glanced at the floor. "How can it be that the one thing holding me to to the house above all else is the one thing keeping Jane away?"

"As I'm sure you know, we all deal with grief in different ways. From listening to you over the past few weeks, I've come to understand that you embrace changes in your life. You find the reason to hold onto something and you let it become part of you."

"Yes."

"But Jane doesn't. She pushes it away. She hides it in a box, and no amount of progress is going to change that overnight."

She sighed. "We have to decide whether we hold onto a house that brings me peace, or let go of a house that brings Jane heartache."

"I know right now it may seem like an impossible decision. What may help Jane get better could make you feel worse. I don't say this to hurt you, I say it because I recognise a strength in you that tells me you can handle this."

"I just don't know what to do."

"Perhaps this is another occasion when you need to give yourself and Jane some time. Maybe something will change for one of you."

x

Clutching Maggie around the middle, Jane perched on a swing and moved back and forth whilst Toby kicked his legs out beside her. She watched him continue to push himself forward, before swinging back again.

"Watch me go all the way round, Mama," he shouted, kicking again, until he went higher.

"You're going really high," Jane said. She picked up Maggie's hand and held it up towards Toby. "Watch your brother swinging really high."

"How long til Mommy gets back?" he asked. "I wanna show her my swinging."

"She'll be here soon." Jane pressed her lips to the top of Maggie's head. "We got this, kid."

A few minutes later, Jane stopped swinging. Spotting Maura across the field, she stood up and walked toward her. There was something in the way she walked, with her shoulders slouched, that bothered her.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

Maura pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'm tired. I want to go home."

"Wait," Jane tucked her hand around Maggie and reached her other one out to Maura's arm. "You were happy before your session. What happened?"

"Therapy happened, Jane." She sighed. "I don't want to talk about it. I need to process."

"Okay." Her heart ached. Maura's mood had dropped and not knowing why made her question everything. "If it's about me."

"Not everything is about _you_."

"No," she said. "I didn't mean."

"I said I don't want to talk about it." Maura wrapped her arms around her chest. "I'm sorry. Please don't push me."

"Okay." Jane lifted Maggie out toward Maura and she scooped her up. "We had a nice time. Toby wants to show you his swinging."

"Quickly," Maura said, following Jane across to the swing set. Jane tried to ignore it, but she could hear the tears in her voice. "I'd really just like to go home."

After showing Maura his swinging, Toby jumped off the swing and wrapped his arms around Jane's waist.

"I love you Mama."

"I love you too, kid," she said, wrapping her arms around his back. "I think Mommy could use a hug."

He turned around and wrapped his arms around Maura. She closed her eyes and placed a hand against his back. "Thank you."

"Why don't you stay with me tonight?" Jane asked, on the walk back to the car. "If Ma or Ashley can babysit, then you can have a night off."

"It's fine."

"You said you were tired. You can go straight to bed without having to get the kids ready, or you can sit up watching cop shows and drinking wine. Whatever you want to do."

The faintest smile crept across Maura's mouth. "Why would I want to watch cop shows?"

"They're pretty good," Jane said. "There's this one where there's a psychic author and he falls in love with the hot female detective."

"It sounds like you've been making use of your time alone."

Jane wrapped an arm around Maura's shoulder. "I've gotta do something with the lonely days and it's a bit like being back to work, only without the hassle of having to solve a murder."


	32. Chapter 31

**Author Notes** **: It seems this website is having a few issues at the moment, but hopefully you're still seeing my fic. I may update again in the next 24 hours so it's probably not going to show up higher on the list or suggest there's been another update. It doesn't like if you update multiple times in a day! But I have chapters to get done, so keep an eye out if you don't get alert emails. We're edging closer to the end!**

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Maura fell back against the lounge rug, her chest heaved with every tired breath. Jane landed on top of her, a heavy weight she didn't desire to remove. She reached up and captured Jane's lips, tugging her closer with her hands tucked around the back of her neck. She pushed her thigh between Jane's legs and rolled her over, peppering kisses along her collarbone.

"Not yet," Jane whispered, gasping for breath. She placed a hand against Maura's shoulder and pushed her away.

Maura rolled back onto the floor and closed her eyes. She waited for her heart rate to slow and her breathing to relax. She clung to Jane's hand, desperate to feel her close.

"That wasn't what I had in mind when I suggested you stay over," Jane said, squeezing her hand. "I thought we could talk."

"I'm done talking," Maura said, sitting up. She tucked her knees against her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Every breath slowed her down, until she gradually reached a steadier heart rate. "All we do is talk."

"We don't have to talk if you don't want," Jane said. "Though I do wanna talk to you about something."

"Does it involve feelings?"

"No."

"What is it?"

"I wanna move out of the city."

Standing up, Maura walked into the bedroom and slammed the door. She didn't want to talk about houses. She didn't want to think about moving. She perched on the edge of the bed and wrapped the sheets around her, creating a cocoon.

"Maura."

Jane tapped on the door a few moments later. She closed her eyes and curled up on the bed. Eventually, the door squealed open. Maura made a mental note to oil the hinges and opened her eyes.

"I don't want to talk about moving." She lifted the sheets up around her head.

The bed moved as Jane sat down on the edge of it. Her hand moved across the sheet over Maura's arm. "Is that what's wrong? You don't want to move?"

"I said I don't want to talk about it, Jane."

"I know." She paused. "Just answer me this one question, and then we can go back to multiple orgasms on the kitchen floor."

Maura sighed and threw the sheet away from her face. "We've never had multiple orgasms on the kitchen floor."

"More reason to make it happen."

"You have one question, which one would you like me to answer?"

Jane's eyebrows pulled together. "Why do you have a problem with moving?"

"I didn't say that I did. But, I do. I don't have a problem with it exactly, I just don't know if I want to leave the house where we've lived our whole lives together. All of our memories are there, everything that made us us. It's the only place I've ever truly felt happy."

Jane lay down beside her, her eyes fixed on Maura's. She stared back, searching Jane's eyes for some signal as to what she was thinking. Without speaking, she trailed her hand across Maura's cheek.

"So, you don't want to move, and I can't come home."

"We're stuck between a rock and a hard place, and there is no solution."

"Let's forget the house for a moment," Jane said. "Would you be open to living somewhere else?"

"I always enjoyed visiting our country retreat in the summer."

"Your country retreat?" Jane raised an eyebrow. "Why is this the first time I'm hearing about the Isles family country retreat?"

"My parents sold it when I was twenty-six."

"I have another suggestion, if you'd like to hear it?" Maura nodded. "We keep the house, but rent it out. Then we move to some small town outside of Boston and rent a little house, with lots of land, near a good school. For two years. We try it out and see if we like it, and if we don't we come home. If we do, we reconsider moving forever."

"I thought you loved Boston."

"I do love Boston, but a lot's happened to us. I know our house means a lot to you, the memories we have don't just go away. All I know is that I can't live there anymore, Maura. I don't want us to live in separate houses. I want us to be together, as a family. The only way we can do that is if we think of another option."

"I can't sell the house."

"Then we don't sell the house." Jane scooted closer. Maura leaned in and rubbed her nose against Jane's. "Would you be open to living somewhere else?"

Another house, another town. Like Jane, she'd never considered leaving the city before. Not long term. She'd taken placements in Africa, and spent months in Europe, but to live somewhere entirely new?

"Yes."

"If we keep the house, can we live somewhere else?"

"It's the only way?"

"For now." Jane shrugged. "Maybe in a couple years I'll feel different."

"Ly."

"Lee?"

"Differently."

Jane rolled her eyes. "What do you say?"

"I say," Maura began. "That I have a job I'm supposed to be returning to. They can't hold my position indefinitely. How far out of the city are we planning on going?"

"An hours commute."

"In good traffic or bad?"

"Hmm. Good."

Maura rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. Jane shifted at her side and straddled her, her hips pressed against Maura's. She stared down, taking over her field of vision. Her body reacted. Jane's naked form evidently the cause. She stared at her breasts hanging down toward her, so close she could touch them.

"Can we have sex in the kitchen now?"

"I'm thinking." She was trying to think but Jane's body made it harder.

"What about?"

"Give me a minute to think some more and I'll tell you." She closed her eyes. "You might want to get off me, you're distracting."

Jane removed herself from her body and left the room. Maura turned onto her front and glanced around the room. She tried to imagine it was their new bedroom, in a new house. She didn't hate it. It could do with new furniture, something contemporary. The walls needed a fresh lick of paint. All in all, it could be a great place to spend her nights.

"Jane?" She climbed off the bed and tucked the sheet tightly around her middle, following Jane in the direction of the lounge. "I've finished thinking."

She found her in the kitchen, crouched down in the corner, butt naked with her head in the refrigerator. Maura pressed her lips together to disguise the smirk. She shuffled forward and leaned down, smacking Jane on the buttocks.

"Ow!" Jane jumped up, the refrigerator door closed. "What d'ya do that for?"

"Couldn't resist," Maura said, wrapping her arms around Jane's waist and tucking her hands around her shapely behind. "I've finished thinking."

"About multiple orgasms on the kitchen floor?" Maura shook her about. "What did you think about?"

"I've been keeping busy for such a long time that when you had your breakdown, I wasn't prepared to face it all day every day. The children have helped keep me occupied but not working has reminded me how much I enjoy spending time with my family."

Tangling her fingers up in the strands of Maura's hair, Jane leaned in and pressed her lips to Maura's neck, carefully working her way across her jawbone.

"Are you listening to me?"

"Uh-huh."

"Jane, stop," Maura said, pushing her back. "Listen to me."

"Okay, listening," she said, staring into her eyes.

"Keep your hands up here," Maura said, raising an eyebrow. Jane held her hands up in front of her, pouting. "A long time ago I had a dream of retiring to the countryside, or the beach, and writing novels. Maybe now's the time to put my career down for a while. To focus on helping you get better, and rebuilding our family so that we can cope with whatever life decides to throw at us next."

Jane stepped back and placed her hands on her hips. "You want to write novels."

"I believe everybody has a book in them."

"What kind of novels?" Jane raised an eyebrow. "Sexy novels?"

Maura laughed. "No, Jane. I think I could utilise our expertise in solving murders to write crime novels."

"Sexy crime novels?"

Maura twisted her lips from one side of her mouth to the other. "Maybe."

"What would your first novel be about?" Jane reached her arms back around Maura's waist and pulled her close.

"I was thinking of having two characters," Maura said. "A hot, tall Italian detective, and a slightly shorter, Caucasian medical examiner."

"What are their names?"

"Fellula and Jennifer."

"Fellula?" Jane stared at her. "You are not naming the hot, tall Italian Fellula."

"Why not? What name would you suggest?"

"Jane."

"Jane."

"Jane and Maura. The hot Italian detective and smoking hot medical examiner."

Maura rested her forehead against Jane's and moved her hands up the sides of her arms. "What would Jane and Maura do?"

"Well, Jane would be brooding and moody, and Maura would be quiet and intelligent. But when they get in the bedroom the sex is like nothing you've ever heard of before."

"In what way?"

Jane pressed her lips to Maura's ear, her fingers trailing down between her legs. The more words she spoke, the harder it was for Maura to stay standing. Her knees buckled and she crumbled to the floor, pulling Jane down with her.

x

"What are you doing?" Jane shouted, holding her beer up toward the television. "Don't stop at second, get to third you jackass."

Ashley cracked open a bottle and sipped. "He's injured, Ma."

"He's got two bases left, could have had one of them done by now. I don't care if he's injured, he's in the middle of a game and he's screwing it up."

"Says the woman who hobbled away from first base during the county championship in nineteen ninety three."

Jane turned her head, her cheeks flushed. She supped on her beer and put the bottle onto the coffee table. "How did you know about that?"

"Frankie showed me some old home movies."

"D'ya wanna know why I hobbled away?"

"Cause it's one rule for you and another for the professionals?" Ashley asked.

"No." Jane smiled. "Cause I was pregnant with you and I was gonna hurl. I twisted my ankle trying to carry on when I felt like I was about to faint."

"Oh." Ashley smiled back. "I didn't know that."

"Nobody did. They just think I had an injury. My parents didn't even know I was pregnant at that point."

"That's weird."

"What is?"

"I was there, at the game."

"Yeah, you were there," Jane said. "Screwing the championship up for us!"

"I'm sorry for being a difficult foetus," Ashley said, rolling her eyes.

Jane sighed and leaned back against the couch. She turned and watched Ashley as she carried on watching the game. Sometimes it still felt like a dream, having her there, having her in her life.

"I'm proud of you, kid."

"Of me?" Ashley asked, turning her head, the crease between her eyebrows deepened. "All I've done lately is screw up."

Jane gripped her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Everybody screws up sometimes. We make mistakes. We fall in love with the wrong people. We get pregnant at seventeen. It's how we deal with the mistakes that matters. I didn't raise you, so I can't say that I raised you right, but your parents did. I'm so glad you tracked me down. I don't know what I've have done without you these past few years."

"You'd have survived," Ashley said, shrugging.

"I didn't realise how much I wanted you in my life again, until you were back in it." Jane picked up her beer. "Having you was one of the best things I ever did. I've screwed up a lot over the years and getting pregnant in high school was always my biggest screw up. But having you was one of the best things."

Maggie's cries travelled into the room. Jane turned. Ashley rested a hand on her shoulder. "I'll go."

"No," she said, standing up. She breathed in slowly. She could feel herself hitting the edge of her fear. "I need to do this. I need to face the difficult moments sometime."

"I'm here, if you need me," Ashley said.

"I know."

Walking across the room, Jane pushed the bedroom door open and leaned over the edge of the travel cot. Maggie's face lit up in bright red, tears coated her cheeks. She was crying. She wasn't an alien, it wasn't a frightening experience. Jane leaned down and scooped her up. She wriggled in her arms.

"Shh, Magpie," she whispered, holding her against her chest and placing her mouth beside her ear. "You're okay. Mama's here. Shh."

She twisted round, moving across the room as she jiggled her about. Jane lifted her up and checked her diaper for any smell: clean. She rested the back of her hand across her forehead: normal.

"It's not time for your bottle," Jane said, balancing her against one arm. She carried her out into the living room and sat down, placing her on her back against her knees. She jiggled her legs until Maggie stopped crying and stared up at her with wide eyes. "That's better."

"You're doing really well with her," Ashley said, reaching out. Maggie wrapped her tiny fingers around her thumb.

"I couldn't do it without everyone's help." She kept up the movement of her legs. "Maura had to go to a meeting at work. She could have asked you to babysit, but this is better. I get to look after Maggie and spend time with you."

"I used to think I didn't want kids, but Toby and Maggie made me reconsider."

Jane froze. She turned her head to one side. "Kids? As in make me a grandma?"

"That's usually what happens when people have children," Ashley said, raising an eyebrow.

"No, no, no." Jane shook her head. "I'm too young to be a grandma."

"I didn't say I wanted them right now."

"But you're in your twenties. You're gonna want them soon."

"I guess." She smirked. "You look like you're about to throw up."

"This is the only problem with having you when I did," Jane said. "My youngest is barely half a year old, and you're already thinking about children."

Ashley leaned back in her seat and lowered her head. "What happened with Chaz, for a moment I thought I might have been pregnant."

Jane turned to her, her eyes wide. "What?"

"I wasn't," she said.

"But you thought you were?" She nodded. "When did that happened?"

"You were in jail. Chaz was still in the hospital."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I know you didn't approve of him."

"It's not that I didn't approve," Jane said, trailing her fingers down Maggie's shoulders as she kicked and wriggled on her shaking knees. "He was never good enough for you."

"I know that, now." Ashley shrugged. "I don't know why I thought it was okay to be the other woman, especially when there were kids involved. It was so intense and he said and did all of the right things in the beginning."

"Like I said earlier." Jane reached for her hand. "We all make mistakes."

"I'm sorry I put you through all of that."

"You don't need to be sorry. Chaz was the senior detective. He was as corrupt as they come. The corrupt ones are usually the most charming."

"I know, but what happened made all of this happen."

Jane sighed. She held onto Maggie's hands. "I was sick long before I took that job, I just didn't realise it. All of this needed to happen. I hate what I've put you all through, but I know it had to happen. If it didn't, I dread to think what would have."

"I'm glad you're okay, Ma," Ashley said, wrapping a hand around Jane's arm and leaning her head against her shoulder.

"Me too, kid," she said, lifting Maggie up and sitting her up against her chest. "What do you say, Magpie, shall we watch some more baseball?"


	33. Chapter 32

**Author Note** **: We're so close! I can feel the end. I'm running out of time to finish tonight and have very little time tomorrow. This isn't good. We'll see. I'll try my best. Though this chapter may get lost in the world that is more than one update in 24 hours. I hope you like it.**

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"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Maura asked, handing Maggie to Jane and placing the diaper bag on the floor. "I'd have asked Angela but she's had to go into work, and Ashley's busy."

"She's my kid, Maura, of course it's fine."

She ran her fingers through Maggie's hair. "I'm going to be a few hours. If it gets too much much, ring somebody. Any of us."

"We'll be fine," Jane said.

"I know. But if you're not."

"Me and Maggie are gonna hang out for a while, and then we'll go pick Toby up from school," Jane said. "Normal parent stuff."

Maura hovered in the doorway, her eyes fixed on Jane. Jane stared back, waiting for Maura to leave. She appreciated the concern, but she was ready to look after her daughter for a few hours alone. She raised her eyebrows and signalled towards the corridor.

"Are you sure?"

Jane sighed. "We'll be fine, won't we Magpie?"

"Magpie?"

"It's a nickname," she said. "Is that okay?"

"They're arrogant scavengers, why would you name our child after an unfavourable bird?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "It's a nickname, Maur. Her name is Mag-gie, the bird is Mag-pie, that's the only reason I chose it."

"Okay," she frowned. "I'm not sure I like it."

"Then we'll only use it when Mommy isn't around," Jane said, turning her attention to the baby.

"I suppose that would be okay."

"Say bye bye Mommy," Jane said, holding Maggie's hand up and moving it from side to side.

"Bye Maggie," Maura said, leaning down and kissing her on the head. "I'll be three hours max."

Jane leaned in and captured Maura's lips. She cupped her cheek and deepened the kiss, her tongue slipped between her lips and danced with Maura's. She pulled back slowly, hungry for more, unwilling to give her up. Their lips parted and Jane smiled.

"That's fine, just don't forget I have a therapy appointment at five."

Maura tucked her bottom lip under her teeth and smiled back. "I'll be back before then, I promise."

Closing the door to the apartment, Jane carried Maggie into the living room and sat on the couch, resting her on her lap. She tucked her hands around her chest and held her steady.

"How about we watch some of that psychic author cop show we love so much?"

x

Sliding onto the barstool, Maura placed her hands in front of her and leaned towards Angela.

"The food?"

"The chef is preparing it as we speak."

"Drinks?" Angela raised an eyebrow and stared at her. Maura glanced from side to side at the bottles of beer and spirits. "Oh, right, of course."

"I have this sorted, Maura," she said. "Go to your therapy session, go to your massage, see your boss. Do whatever it is you needed to do this afternoon. Don't worry about a thing here."

"I'm not," Maura said. "I'm worried about Jane."

"She'll be fine. She's a good mother, she just lost her way a bit with Mags. I promise to call her soon to make sure she's okay. Would that help?"

"Thank you, Angela. It would."

"Now get out of here before I have to throw you out."

x

Swinging the baby in her arms, Jane rocked her back and forth, juggling a bottle in one hand and the baby in the other. She perched on the edge of the couch and turned Maggie onto her back, pushing the nipple of the bottle toward her mouth.

"There's a good girl," Jane said, moving her arm slowly back and forth. Maggie suckled, one hand resting against the side of the bottle as she ate hungrily. Her large eyes stared up to Jane. The bottle dropped from her open mouth. Jane shook her head. "Now that's not how we eat, baby girl."

Maggie's lips curved and she let out a giggle, her eyes closed and she laughed.

"That's how we live though," Jane said, leaning closer and putting on a silly voice. Maggie continued laughing. "Do you like it when I talk like that?"

She pushed the bottle back up to her lips. A loud knock on the door pulled her attention away. She placed the bottle on the table and lifted Maggie onto her shoulder so that she could answer the door.

"Dean." She stepped back. Her eyes wide.

"Good afternoon, Jane."

She closed her mouth, then opened it again, but no words came out. She glanced at the baby, her face rested on Jane's shoulder. She hiccupped and vomited across Jane's shirt. She cursed, then cursed again at cursing in front of the baby.

"I'm sorry," Dean said. "I came at a bad time."

"Come in," Jane said, stepping to one side. She pulled Maggie from her shoulder and placed her into the bouncer they'd bought for when she visited. Strapping her in, Jane disappeared into the kitchen to clean up.

"I wanted to come and see you," Dean shouted, then appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. "I wanted to apologise for making things more difficult for you."

"The case?"

"Yeah." He stepped toward her. "We should have asked more questions, been more rigorous on the testing. You should never have been put into that situation."

Jane shrugged. She didn't know whether it was a bad thing or not. It pushed her in the direction she needed to go and for that reason alone, she couldn't hate Dean for his part in her breakdown.

"I appreciate you coming to see me." Jane wiped at her shirt with a cloth and tossed it back into the sink. She returned to the living room, Dean on her tail. "I'm sorry, I have to look after my daughter."

"She's beautiful," he said, leaning down and stroking her cheek with his finger. "Hello there. She looks just like you."

"Poor kid."

"You're kidding, right?" He raised an eyebrow. "You're as beautiful as you were when I first met you."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Are you hitting on me?"

"No," he said. "That would be inappropriate for many reasons, least not the one that involves you being married to a _woman_."

"Want a drink?"

"Sure."

"Watch Maggie while I make some coffee?"

He unbuckled the bouncer and scooped her into his arms, following Jane through to the kitchen.

"That's not what I meant when I said watch her," Jane said, turning the kettle on. She didn't mind. Maggie stared at him, her tiny fingers outstretched to the coating of hairs across his chin. "What happened with the case?"

"We got him," Dean said. "He pleaded guilty, he's looking at a long time in the slammer. It's all thanks to you."

"I didn't do much," Jane said, frowning. "I don't think I did. I don't really remember much about being inside."

"Probably for the best."

"Thanks for coming to see me," Jane said, carrying the mugs of coffee into the living room. Dean followed and sat beside her, resting Maggie on his knee.

"You're getting better, right?"

"One day at a time."

"Good. You look well."

"Thanks. You too."

x

Unlocking the front door of the apartment, Maura headed straight for the living room. She pushed open the door. The curve of her smile reached her eyes at the sight of Toby playing with his sister on the floor. Jane held a pot of paint out in front of them and Toby dipped his fingers into it, smashing his hand down on a blank sheet of paper.

"Now we do Maggie," Jane said, lifting one hand up. Toby helped push her hand into the paint and spread her fingers across the sheet of paper.

Clearing her throat, Maura stepped forward. "It looks like we're having some fun."

Toby jumped up and ran toward her, his paint covered hands outstretched. Maura dropped her purse and jacket on the floor and held her hands out in front of her, stopping him at a distance.

"I'd love to give you a hug, but you need to wash your hands first," Maura said, putting a hand on each shoulder and turning him around. "Finish what you're doing."

"We're painting our handprints on paper," Toby said. "Wanna see?"

Maura perched on the edge of the couch and stared down at their custom artwork. "That looks wonderful."

"That's my hand," Toby said, pointing to his print on the paper. "That's Maggie's. It's Mama's turn now, then your turn."

"My turn?"

"We thought we'd make a family portrait," Jane said. "We're gonna leave space for Ash."

Unable to control the curve of her mouth, Maura brushed a couple of tears from the edge of her cheek. "That's a beautiful idea."

"Mama said we can hang it up in our new house."

"Our new house?" Maura raised an eyebrow. "I didn't realise we were telling people about our new house."

"It's fine, Maur," Jane said. "I didn't say it was a definite. I just told him we might be moving."

"I want a space bedroom," Toby said. "And, and, a big garden to play baseball in. And I want a dog, and a turtle, and cats, and chickens."

"That's a lot of things."

"If we get a really big house then it's not a lot of things."

"Kid makes a point, Maur," Jane said.

Once they'd finished the handprint portrait and cleaned up, Maura placed Maggie into her car seat and followed Jane into the bedroom.

"You nearly ready?"

"Kids okay?"

"Toby's watching cartoons," Maura said. "He's also watching Maggie."

"I'll be out soon," Jane said, lowering her sweatpants, spotted with paint, and picking up a fresh pair of slacks.

Maura closed the door behind her and stepped forward. She let her eyes trail down Jane's body. "It was amazing what you did earlier."

"The picture?" Jane shrugged. "It was nothing. Just a bit of fun."

"No." Maura closed the gap and took the slacks from her hand, tossing them onto the bed. "We've been together for so long that I think there's no possible way for me to love you any more than I already do. Then I watch you with our children and it's like my heart just grew."

She stepped closer still, pushing Jane backward until she hit the wall. "What's going on, Maur?"

"I love you so much. All I can think about is showing you." She leaned in, capturing her lips, moving her mouth over Jane's until she parted her mouth and Maura could push her tongue against hers.

"This is a surprise," Jane replied, before Maura stole her lips again.

Trailing her hands over Jane's hips, she moved one down between her legs and leaned closer still, pushing her hand up against the edge of Jane's underwear.

"I love you too, but I have to go in a minute," Jane said. She closed her eyes and gasped for air. "Maybe a few more minutes wouldn't hurt."

x

Pulling her slacks up around her hips and zipping them up, Jane ran her hands down her thighs. She peered across the room at Maura, lay on the bed, staring at her.

"You said I was insatiable," Jane said. "I think you were projecting."

"I wish you didn't have to go."

"Maybe I don't." Maura frowned. "Hear me out. I've not missed one therapy session since I started. I've had a lot of good days recently, and I know the difficult days aren't over. But maybe for today I can pretend that I'm okay again."

"You want to skip therapy?"

"I want to stay at home and make love to my wife over and over and over again."

"Even if you do stay at home, we don't have time to make love."

Jane raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"I said we'd meet your mother for dinner at the Dirty Robber."

"Do we have to?" Jane asked, slouching.

"Yes, we do."

"Can we send the kids home with her and make love all night then?"

Maura smirked. "I think we can try and arrange that."

x

Following Maura into the Dirty Robber, Jane jumped when the room erupted, people springing from every nook and cranny. She stared around at friends, and old colleagues, who cluttered the bar.

"What the hell?" Jane asked, turning to Maura and back to the crowd.

Korsak walked forward, a bottle of beer in his hand. He passed it across to her. "I don't want to use up all of the speeches now, we'll save that for later. We really wanted to do something to show you how much we all care about you, and how glad we are to see that you're getting better."

"So, this is a get well soon we're glad you're already better party?" Jane asked, lifting the beer to her mouth.

"Something like that. There's a load of guys from the precinct, old friends. There's food, music, and several hours ahead of us. So, enjoy. You deserve it. To Jane."

Everyone lifted up a glass. "To Jane."

Jane held her bottle up and turned around, showing it to everyone before she turned back to Maura. The room buzzed as everyone returned to conversations.

"Did you do this?"

"We all did."

"Thank you." She stepped forward and pressed her lips to Maura's. "I love you."

"Ew," Toby shouted, running off across the room. He wrapped his arms around Frankie and tugged at his jacket. Frankie lifted him into the air and span him round.

Jane ran a hand down the side of Maura's head and captured her lips again. "I don't know what I did to deserve you."

"Go," Maura said, lifted Maggie onto her other hip. "Say hi to everyone."

She made her way around the room, greeting old friends and unforgettable acquaintances. Finally, she stopped by the bar.

"Ma," she said, reaching a hand out to her mother. "I don't know what we would have done if you weren't part of our lives."

Walking around the edge of the bar, she scooped Jane up into her arms, holding her tightly. "You, Jane Clementine Rizzoli, are the light of my life. I am so proud of you, of everything that you've overcome. I always knew you were made of strong stuff from the day you broke your leg and I was the only one crying. But I never knew just how strong you could be."

"Ma," she said again, holding back the tears. "Thank you, for being there for me even when I resisted it."

"I think you know now why I do the things I do."

She nodded. "I love you."

Angela trailed her thumb across Jane's cheek, brushing the tears away. "I love you too, Janie."


	34. Epilogue

**Author Notes** **: Thank you so much to each and every one of you who has been part of this journey. It's been a rollercoaster, but I appreciate you all for sticking it out and seeing where this goes. We're at the end now. This is it. Despite certain people whispering ideas into my ear about a fourth part, I think I need to focus on the other stories I have to finish. I hope to see some of you again on other stories, until then, thank you again.**

* * *

 **Epilogue**

The boxes piled up in the centre of the living room. Jane sat Maggie on top of the small tower and leaned down to kiss her nose. She giggled, and kicked her legs, as Jane kissed her nose again. She moved her fingers across her middle, tickling her in quick bursts as she laughed uncontrollably.

"Mama," Toby said, running into the room. "Did you see my new bedroom? It's this big."

He held his hands out in front of him, as wide as they could go. Jane placed Maggie on her hip. "Wow, that's so awesome. You ready to paint it tomorrow like we promised?"

"Yes, please." He twisted round as if to run off, then paused. "When can we go play baseball?"

"After we've unpacked," Maura said, entering the room with another box. She placed it down beside the small tower. "There's a lot to do, we've got plenty of time for baseball before school starts."

"But we're going to China," Toby said.

"After we get back there's still a couple of weeks."

"Mama?" he asked, turning to Jane.

"Mommy's right, kid," she said, passing Maggie across to Maura. "I'll get the rest of the boxes from the car. Help Mommy unpack the lunch we prepared."

He stamped his feet, his bottom lip stuck out as he marched toward the kitchen. Jane's shoulders sunk. Maura ran a hand across her shoulder. "He'll get over it."

"He'd better do," she said. "I hope that isn't how he's going to be as a teenager, all stompy and angry."

"Stompy?" Maura laughed. "I'm glad we don't have to worry about that for a few years."

Jane trailed her lips across Maura's as she walked past and headed for the door. Maura sighed. "Your Mommy loves to leave me a little present to sort out, doesn't she?"

Smirking, Jane walked down the front walk to the car. Ashley lifted a box out of the trunk and stumbled toward her. She placed it down on the floor again.

"When are we having lunch? I have to get back to the apartment, I'm meeting some friends for dinner."

"Maura's sorting it after she's changed Maggie's diaper," Jane said, retrieving the box from the floor. "Thanks for helping us move."

"I wanted to come and see the place," Ashley said. "Though I can't wait to have my own space."

"I bet."

"I'm gonna miss you guys."

Jane reached her hand out from under the box and gripped Ashley's. "You're welcome here any time, we've got a spare room, and it's only forty-five minutes to the city. Don't be a stranger. Show up whenever you want. Even if it's just for a chat."

"Thanks."

Balancing the box against her knee, Jane pushed her hand into her pocket and pulled out a set of keys. She placed the box back on the floor and handed them over to Ashley. "Doesn't matter if we're in or not, this is your home. Okay?"

Ashley sprang forward, wrapping her arms tightly around Jane's shoulders and giving her a squeeze. Jane placed a hand on her back and closed her eyes. She was thankful for the last few months apart from her daughter, if only because it made the moment of saying goodbye easier.

"Let's get these boxes inside and go eat," Jane said, abandoning the box on the floor and heading for the trunk. She brushed her knuckles across her cheeks and picked up another box, then piled a smaller one on top. She balanced them on the edge of the car and pulled down the lid of the trunk. "Think that's the lot."

In the kitchen, Toby stood on a stool and placed plastic cutlery into various different pots. Maggie sat in her high chair, smashing a slice of banana up between her chubby fingers. Jane stood in the doorway, watching. Ashley brushed past her and stole a slice of fruit from one of the pots on the table.

"That's cheating," Toby said, putting his hands on his hips.

"I'm hungry," Ashley said.

"So?"

"So, I wanted some fruit."

He pouted and returned to distributing the cutlery. Maura pulled the bag away. "We only need one in each pot, save the rest for our next picnic."

Jane's heart swelled at the sight of her family, together. She retreated into the living room and opened one of the boxes. She pulled out the framed picture of their handprints and carried it into the kitchen.

"There a hook in here?" she asked.

Busily picking up pots from the counter, Maura nodded across the wall and carried them out into the garden. Toby ran off ahead of her, followed by Ashley carrying Maggie. Maura returned a moment later as Jane lifted the picture onto the wall.

"Perfect," Maura said, wrapping a hand around her waist and placing her lips against her cheek. "Come and eat."

"I'm not very hungry," she said, turning into Maura's embrace.

"What's wrong?"

"Everything's different."

Maura frowned. "I thought that was the desired effect of the move, that we make changes to our lives that we couldn't have as easily in Boston."

"It is," she said. "I didn't realise how hard it would be living in a different town to Ash, and Ma and Frankie."

"There's so close we can visit all the time."

"I know. It's just different."

"Do you regret it?"

"No. Just feeling sad is all."

Maura pulled out of their embrace and gripped Jane's hand. "Come eat, or sit and watch us eat. Let's just enjoy the afternoon."

"Okay." She placed her hands on Maura's hips and followed her out into the garden.

x

The children were asleep. Maura carried a bottle of wine out into the garden and sat down beside Jane on the floor. She wrapped the blanket covering her back around Maura and held her close. She poured the wine into two glasses and handed one to Jane.

"To us."

"To us," Jane repeated, clinking her glass against Maura's.

They sat side by side, arm in arm for a while, silently staring up at the dark night's sky. Stars twinkled in the distance. Maura nuzzled her nose against the side of Jane's neck. They'd made the right decision, she had never been more sure of anything in her life. Despite the sadness of saying goodbye to their loved ones in Boston, the fresh start was the right thing for them all.

"How long do you think it'll take for us to get so bored we get jobs?" Jane asked.

"You lasted five years," Maura said. "I didn't think you'd last five minutes."

"Hey!"

"You like to be busy."

"True." She squeezed tighter against Maura's shoulder. "Helps that Maggie's too little for school."

"I can't believe she'll a year old in a couple of months."

Jane sighed. "I can't believe it's been that long since everything started and I was close to my breakdown."

Maura pulled back and trailed her fingers across Jane's cheek. "The last couple of months in Boston did you the world of good. Do you want to carry on seeing your therapist?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Of course you have a choice." Maura leaned in, resting her forehead against Jane's. "Your medication is working, you're happier. There's more good days than bad days, and I haven't seen Maggie so happy."

"Maybe a couple more sessions, it's not like I'll ever really get over it," Jane said, grasping Maura's hands and holding them up to her mouth. "Do you ever wonder what our life would be like if Amelia was still here?"

"She'd be at school," Maura said, imagining their daughter, with big dark eyes and dark brown hair. She thought about it a lot. What she'd look like, what she'd sound like. The things she would have enjoyed, or hated. "Her and Toby would be the best of friends."

"Or hate each other." Maura's eyes opened wide. She didn't like the thought of that. "I forget you were an only child. Having siblings sucks. You want to do the same thing at the same time but you can't. Your parents are too busy with one kid. It's not easy being a brother or sister."

Maura lowered her gaze. "Do you think Toby and Maggie will still get along when Maggie's older?"

Jane sighed. "I think they'll love each other like only siblings can. They may want to tear each other apart from time to time, but it's not all bad."

"Jane?"

"Yeah?"

"Maybe we could plant a tree for her, in the garden."

Leaning back into Jane's arms, Maura clung to Jane's hands, wrapped tightly around her chest. She felt the gentle tickling of Jane's breath on the back of her neck, the tingling sensation that travelled through her own body.

"That's a great idea," Jane said. "Can we get some chickens too?"

"You want chickens?"

"Why not? We could have a whole farm."

Maura laughed. "The garden isn't that big, but chickens would be educational and we could eat the eggs."

"What about a cow? Then we could make our own cheese and ice cream."

"Jane," she said, turning her face. She pressed her lips together to disguise a smile. "Maybe we could have a goat instead."

"Billy!"

"Billy?"

"Billy goat."

Maura leaned across and pressed her lips to Jane's, capturing her mouth. "I love you, don't ever change."

 **THE END. FIN. NO MORE. THANK YOU. GOODBYE.**


End file.
